A Day in the Life of...

saturday august 30th was a very tiring and productive day for me.  the weather was perfect in vancouver so this only encouraged me to pursue my original plans for this day.  at 4pm, i was supposed to meet at the art gallery in the middle of downtown vancouver.  i know, i know, most of you are asking yourselves, "who is fatty meeting? he has no friends!"

well, maybe, ok true, whatever, but thats about to change! suckers

a couple weeks ago while i was riding around, a fellow bicyclist gave me a flier for an alley cat bike race.  for those who dont know what an alley cat bike race is.....its a bike race idiot! shut up!

ok, theres more to it.  instead of just a start to finish style race....an alley cat contains many checkpoints for the sexy racers to get to.  this particular race had 74 checkpoints with a 3 hour time limit.  so pretty much do as many checkpoints as you can in the time allowed.  each checkpoint had a designated dollar amount (the more the checkpoint was, the harder it was to get or find)  the person with the most "money" collected was the HANDSOME VICTOR! 

i arrive a little before 4pm.  and check in with the organizer of the race, whose name was ottawa.  we all just hang out until about 4:50, when the race actually started.  when you checked in, the organizer gave you the manifest.  on that manifest were 6 locations.  i, being a vancouver newb, had no idea where ANY of these locations were.  i flip over the paper hoping for the complimentary map (just like the raleigh alley cats in the past).  however, there was no map.  shit.  im screwed.  im going to get the DFL* award and swift kick in the nuts.

*DFL means "Dead Fucking Last", clever, i know

anyways,  while we were waiting for the race to start, people were looking over the manifest and figuring out their "leet route" and i was just twiddling my sausage thumbs.  

alright graham! time to talk to someone.  my first verbal victim was nick.  he had a map and had just placed it down.  i asked to take a look at the map and i proceeded to ask him where the checkpoints were.  he was cool and actually ended up getting 2nd place in the race. 

the race was about to start but we were to put our bikes on the steps to the art gallery.  however, there were post-wedding photos being taken of the whole wedding party on the steps.  this minor speed bump wasnt going to be a buzz kill on ottawa's original master plan.  so there we were, improving the wedding pictures with our bikes, while the wedding crew were baffled by our "act of kindness".

it was 4:50 and ottawa said that everyone had to be back at 8pm......READY, SET, GO!

i hop on my bike and go to the nearest checkpoint.  it was a park.  i get there and i dont see anyone.  i just see a park with some dogs and families.  i ride around the park like a loose jackass looking for something to eat.  about the second time around, 2 girls finally wave at me so i bolt over there to get them to sign my paper.  well, instead of signing my paper, they gave me another manifest with about 11 other checkpoints.  crap.  another manifest that looks like gibberish to me.  whatever, ill figure that out later, ill just stick to the first manifest.  i book it!

i make it to another checkpoint where im greeted by a drunk twosome yelling, "no, you have to go get us a beer before we give you the other manifest!" there were several cans of beer there so i just assumed this was "standard procedure"

while im making a run to whatever corner store i could find, im thinking to myself, "i cant believe i have to leave and go back there for the second time AND theres another manifest!?"

i get back with the cheapest beer i could find.  they gave me a manifest and off i go!

im still sticking to the original manifest because those were the only ones i knew where they were.  thanks nick and nicks map.  the next thing i know, im holding 6 manifests with about 10-12 checkpoints on each manifest.  WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?

i bite the bullet and run into a store to buy a map.  i sit down and figure out whats going on.  i start riding towards two close checkpoints.  this is where my luck turns from awful to awesome.  i bump into jesse, a dude with a gnar gnar makino track bike.  my plan changed from looking at the manifests to trying to keep up with jesse.  (he looked like he knew what he was doing)

surprisingly enough, i kept up with him through the whole time.  he was fast but would get stuck at some lights, giving me enough time to catch up.  my legs were burning and all of a sudden i look down to see the front part of my saddle inside my jeans.  how the hell?  oh great, i totally ripped a hole in my crotch and now my saddle keeps creeping in like my fat hand into a (insert any food item here) jar.

if anyone asks, just say that my inner thigh muscle burst out of its denim jail for a taste of true freedom.  

most of the checkpoints were random questions like "whats the building name at 1337 diarrhea lane?" or how many benches are at nelson park? etc etc.  at one checkpoint, jesse was kind enough to let me copy down about 8 answers.  yes, mom, i cheated, sorry.  but a man has to do what a man has to do, right dad? 

the race itself was grueling but an awesome way to see the vast city of vancouver and all of its neighborhoods.  it was really fun aside from trying not to throw up from the largest amount of physical exertion ive juiced out in a very long time.

the race finally ended and i handed in my 6 manifests.  im pretty sure one of the 6 was completely blank, i didnt really want to go into the middle of stanley park and go to the aquarium.  stanley park is actually the huge wooded area in the picture at the top of this page.  it was on the complete opposite side from every other checkpoint.  so screw you baby beluga!

so, after the race, everyone just hung out at the art gallery, waiting for all the racers to make it back.  at this point, jesse, geoff, allen, and myself went to go grab some pizza.  allen was another group rider that rode with jesse and i for a little bit of the race and geoff was just another guy that i met at the race.  it was wild that mostly everyone at the race was a courier except for me.  geoff was a courier all this past summer but had quit because school is starting up.  he is attending the vancouver film school.  he was a really cool guy who has already added me on facebook (woot woot)

allen didnt do a lot of talking so i dont know much about him other than he was a nice guy.  (didnt yell at any old ladies or try to fight any kids or anything)

once everyone made it safely back to the art gallery, ottawa announced that awards were to be given out at his house.  however,  his house was located waaaayyy east, further than any checkpoint.

whatever, this will be a good way to actually hang out with people from vancouver.  so as a group, we make the trip out there.  we finally arrive and my sweat status was through the roof.  people and bikes were everywhere.....a couple of kegs and a few people smoking weed while a metallica cd played continuously in the background.  at first i thought it was just one or two songs from a playlist but then realized that, no, they put the whole metallica cd on.  it was great.

i mainly hung out with geoff and jesse.  cool cats.  i met this guy named jeff who told me that he goes by "ransom mother fucker" or "ransom mo fo" for short.  he said too many people around here were named jeff.  he was right.  i mean, his name was jeff, i already met a guy named geoff and im pretty sure ottawa's real name was jeff.  oh, and he told me that he only responds to "ransom mother fucker" if you say it with anger, regardless what was said after that.  i can only imagine his family dinners:

mom:  "jeff?"

*no response*

mom: "jeeffff sweetie?"

*no response*

mom: "RANSOM MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

jeff: "yes mom?"

mom: "can you pass the salt?"

jeff: "oh yeah, here ya go mom, i love you"

mom: "i love you too son"

yep, just like that. every night.

everyone there was pretty cool.  some were really punk, others just loved to bike.  there was one guy, that i forgot to introduce myself to so i dont know his name, but he was hilarious.  his name will be jeff #87 for now until i see him again and figure out his name. (which will probably be jeff)

anyways, this guy was the same drunk that made me get him a beer at one of the checkpoints (mind you, he was already drunk at 5pm, possibly way earlier)  anyways, you know how most people when they get really drunk, they get obnoxious and mean?  just a plain ol' asshole?  well with jeff #87, it was the complete opposite.  he became everyones best friend and would die for them all.  regardless what was said about anyone, he would jump in and interrupt with, "look, i dont care what you think about (person of topic) but hes an awesome guy, and yeah" or "i know we give him a hard time, but hes really one of my best friends" or even "look, if you wanna talk shit about this guy, you have to go through me first! LOOK AT THESE MUSCLES!" (he probably weighed like 150 and no one was talking shit anyways)

he was awesome.  he made it his mission to make sure everyone was having a "wicked" time and that everyone loved the race.

AWARDS TIME!!!

ottawa gets up and starts to announce the winners.  he said, "no bullshit! im going straight to what matters! FIRST PLACE FIRST!"

people were confused because in a traditional award ceremony, you do the runners up before announcing the HANDSOME VICTOR! but whatever, he can do what he wants.  but after he announced the winner, i soon realized his reason for announcing the first place first.  he had a table of prizes and he didnt want to sort through them and figure out what prize matched with each place.  clever ottawa (or lazy, whatever)

the winner got 200 bucks! that was pretty awesome.  and second place (nick) received a custom paint job from this guy.  "ill hook you up brother! just come on by my house and ill paint any frame you want!"  nick didnt seem very pleased.  the rest of the winners got to choose their own prize.  the rest of the prizes ranged from handle bars, hubs, pedals, steel toe clips, t-shirts, and a biking hat.  jesse got third place! he was stoked and later told me that he has never done that well.

right before ottawa was about to announce the 4th place winner, jeff #87 yells and interrupts him.  "alright, before we continue, lets give a hand to ottawa for putting on this awesome race!"  everyone applauded.  alright, thanks jeff #87, can we continue?

everyone was having a great time picking out their prizes then all of a sudden ottawa announces the 6th place winner......"GRAHAM!"

i start applauding the winner for a split second and the realize that he called my name! i bust out laughing and pumping my fists of fury in the air.  i point to jesse (in manly gratitude) and hes flipping out too because he knows that without him, i probably would have finished last.  nick yells out, "the out-of-towner!!"  which makes people cheer even more.  im not going to lie, it made me feel preeeetttty cool.  (i mean, I AM cool, right?.......my mom this so.."if i were your age and werent your mom...I would date you!" thanks mom)

i got up to choose my prize and i ended up choosing the biking hat.  it was yellow. and it ruled.  ive never owned a biking hat and ive always kinda wanted to.  so there ya go.  i think like the top 10 people got prizes.  good times.

the party continues with "wanton mirth" but all i was thinking about was laying down and resting my legs.  i was so fat.  i mean, i was so tired from the race.

i say my goodbyes and jesse says, i dont have a phone but we all hang out at the art gallery like everyday.  geoff asks for my email address because he said he would look me up on facebook.

excellent.

friend count: LIKE A MILLION...or at least a few more than before

i ask for directions back to kits (my stomping grounds).  fortunately it was just like 2 roads.  however, since i was currently way east and i live west of downtown, i knew i would be biking for a while.  well, about an hour later, i make it back to my place.  so after a full 3 hour race, and then another hour getting home, my body was ruined.  i take a shower (naked), drink water while watching mr. show, and then hit the hay, only to awake at 2pm the next day.  but whatever, i needed the rest. SO BACK OFF!

i wake up, get naked again to shower (wink wink blush) and was disappointed that my 200 pound rump roast was still hanging off my torso.  i did all that work yesterday and theres no results!!?? this is bogus.