Jeffron the Immortal part 1

i know its been forever since i last updated my private journal but diary, i have NOT forgotten you.  im sure you think that ive been completely useless and boring that i have nothing good to contribute to this journal BUT YOU WOULD BE IN THE WRONG!  

i havent been writing in this thing due to lack of adventure but rather SO MANY adventures that i havent had time to reflect and share my stories of wanton mirth.  the reason for this sudden influx of adventures/mischievous festivities is due to the fact that my good friend and co-creator of the world renowned organization squad hercules/team self respect is visiting from north carolina:

JEFFRON THE IMMORTAL!

yeah thats right, ready to party. no rules.

as you can see in the title of this blog....it says part 1....yeah thats right....there are SO many stories that it will be impossible (impossible as in i dont want to do it) for me to write everything down in one post.  sooooo get ready ladies and gentlemen dressed as ladies, you are in for a treat.  a treat that you have TO READ to reach its sweet sugary center.

it all starts on thursday march 19th when i borrow lucas' sex ride (toyota rav-4) and head down to seattle to pick up jeffron who was down there for a couple days visiting his sweatpants wearing friend.  i say seattle because thats what jeffron told me.  however when i google mapped the address he gave me it ended up being over an hour south of seattle.  whatever, this wasnt going to stop me!  so i hit the road EARLY so i could meet them 200 miles away for lunch.  about 4 hours later, i get there late but we still take in 6000 calories of 100% american pancakes at this restaurant south of seattle.

why did it take 4 hours?  oh ill tell you, geez, i really dont know why you are yelling at me.

well, on my way out of vancouver, i hit traffic.  no worries, minor set back.  then i get to the border and this was the major set back.  i get to the border and quickly swallow all my canadian paraphernalia  (hockey pucks, maple syrup, anti-freerdom posters, and lsd) so that wouldnt be scrutinized by the 'murcans.  as im acting cool, i hand the officer my passport and give him a little wink.

officer:  "where are you headed?"

me: "seattle to pick up a friend" (i opted not to explain the whole south of seattle deal)

officer: "is this your car"

me: "no"

officer: "ok, go inside, YOU WILL BE SCRUTINIZED!!!"

well, ok maybe he didnt say that verbatim but his tone definitely painted a frightening picture.  so i park, go inside and start showing the skins.

apparently, they dont like people going across the border without their "own" car.  foolish really.  we talked forever and they asked me to go get the license plate number and registration.  i start panicking about 10 minutes later when i cant find the registration or anything in the car that proved it belonged to my friend luke.  i did find luke's fife but i dont know if they had the technology for a 15 minutes saliva/dna test at the border so i decided that going in with the license plate number and fife wasnt the best of plans.

they then asked if i had a note of consent from luke saying it was ok to use his car.....which i thought was hilarious because apparently going on a field trip and getting into another border requires the same little piece of paper and statement of: "yes, my little graham can do this"

"can you call him and let him talk to us?" says the officer....which would be perfect IF LUKE WOULD BUY A FREAKING CELL PHONE!!!  but thats for another day.  the best question the officers asked me was about jeffron himself: 

officer: "what are you going to be doing in the states?"

me: "oh, im picking up a friend from seattle"

officer: "what kind of friend?"

me: (was was completely thrown off guard by the question and EVERY bone in my body had to resist the temptation of making this into a big joke) "a good one?"

finally, they let me go once they realized that i was THE graham bennett that obama met with to finalize a new national holiday.  thats rights kids...obama's major plan of action is making my dreams come true...

GRAHAM BENNETT'S CLEAN UP DAY!

its the day after easter where the entire nation devotes one day to eat all the left over easter candies.  finally im going to get a little respect!  i presented the idea to obama and he just looked at me, smiled, handed me a cadbury creme egg, winked, and said, "2009....no bullshit!"

so they let me by but said that i may or may not be able to get back into canada because of the following reasons:

1) im not a canadian citizen

2) i just picked up another non-canadian citizen

3) im driving a car that isnt mine

4) a car that is not registered in british columbia

5) a car that is registered in texas (not the best of states to represent internationally)

6) no proof of consent from the real owner of the car

BUUUUUT i was going to let future graham worry about that noise.

so off to pick jeffron up!  the plan was to pick him up and hang out in seattle for the day and party with our mutual friend jussy.  however, after the delays, lunch, and the fact that we were far south of seattle, we ended up getting to seattle at 3:30.  jussy had class at 4.  great.  fortunately, the random exit in the middle of downtown, and the random parking garage that we picked ended up only being 4 blocks away from jussy lived.  DESTINY!  so we were able to see jussy for 15 minutes, and walk him (like responsible parents) to class.

after that, jeffron and i went to pike place.  now, jussy told us that we would be immediately stabbed by locals if he called it pike's place.  so of course, as decent human beings with common courtesy, we made sure to say pike's's'ss place as much as possible.  solid tourists.  we went to the first starbucks which was goodtimes great fun.  oh heres jeffron in the first starbucks.  

ALRIGHT SCREW SEATTLE! ON TO SWEET VANCOUVER!

it was supper time so we decided to stop in some sketchy mexican place to fill out bellies with authentic mexican food before entering into the country with a poor sense of what mexican food is.  it was a pretty normal experience with one main highlight....the bowl of cheese.

back in north carolina, all the mexican restaurants offer the option of a delicious saucer of melted cheese to dip your chips in instead of the regular salsa.  so i immediately asked for that at this place.  they looked at me like i was stupid which caused a 5 minute discussion on what cheese dip was and what i wanted.  finally i said, its just a bowl of melted cheese and the lady looked at me, said something in spanish, smiled, and the backed away slowly.

success?

wrong.  15 minutes later she brings a huge bowl of about 3 pounds of cheese melted with some jalapenos thrown on top.  not exactly what i envisioned would be the cause of my death.  now this sounds like heaven to some people like laura but to the NORMAL person who likes NORMAL amounts of cheese...this was borderline illegal.  the best(worst) part was that this oozing mass was solidifying FAST.  so for someone (or a more appropriate party of 20) would have to eat this monstrosity in 2.5 minutes.  laura would be able to pick this up and down the entire thing before realizing that the bowl was a thousand degrees and melting her hands.  gross laura.

disgusting

while at the restaurant (and waiting to see if we would die from the injection of cheese), we started worrying about getting across the border.  so i may or may not have forged a letter of consent.  i wrote a professional letter stating my purpose and luke's approval as he wrote it.  and then i signed luke's name on it.  illegal? yes. immoral? maybe. jealous? i know you are.

so we get to the border and butterflies were fluttering in my stomach....slowing fluttering due to the amount of cheese covering their dainty wings but fluttering nonetheless.  we get to the border and the canadian officer looks at the passports and says, "why were you in the state?"

i respond with, "oh i just picked up my friend from the airport, hes visiting me in vancouver for a bit"

canadian officer: "driver, did you buy anything while you were down there?"

me: "no"

canadian officer: "ok, youre good to go"

OH YES THAT WAS SO EASY! and i didnt even have to use my fake (sneaky) note which would have totally worked by the way.  he was totally cool and didnt even ask if i was driving my own car.  

so moral of the story:

its really easy to get into canada.  and the united states hates foreigners.

generalizing? dont mind if i do!

Contemporary Christian Music

this is a paper that i turned in for my christian thought and culture class...

Contemporary Christian Music: When are Christians Going to Stop Being Assholes?

As worshipping progressed from the traditional style of organs and hymns to the “contemporary” style of acoustic guitars and goatees, it seems that the church has made a natural and needed shift in time but has lost a lot of what it means to worship. This paper is a critique on the new generation of worship music that has swarmed many North American churches, retail stores and iPods. I will not suggest that we revert back to strictly hymns and organs for that would be placing importance on a particular method in a specific time and culture instead of realizing that our vernacular is different than theirs. The main principles that I will discuss can be easily translated to other cultures and other times…and that’s precisely the point. As churches, regardless of location or time in the world, think intentionally about how they will worship, they need to realize that the timeless truth of Jesus Christ will be expressed through different vehicles of time, culture, and language. However, since I am a white American male, I will be focusing on the North American Church that has decided to employ this new worship music that we call “contemporary”. The need for progression and genuine expression of art in our current culture must be coupled with the vital examination of what our intentions are and whom we are truly worshipping. Truth, honesty and integrity must trump cheap tricks and short-lived fads in order to honor and worship God.

Art: Reflecting the Times

Responding to the times and reflecting on any given era sparks a mass suspicion in the minds of a lot of Christians because it might look dangerously close to being shaped by the times.1  One of the big problems we have today is our inability as a church to look at church history as a progression of methods but rather we take what we have today for granted. Marva Dawn states in her book, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down:

“…the idolatry of traditionalism, which causes us to do everything as it’s always been done, to such an extent that worship remains boring and stale.”2 

She goes on to state that the best remedy to this is not throwing everything out. I will whole heartily agree that there are truths in the hymns of Isaac Watts, John and Charles Wesley that we should not throw out just for the sake of being on the “cutting edge”. However, this is where I hate the words “traditional” and “contemporary” when describing the two styles of worship because it implies that the “traditional” was never “contemporary” and this is a foolish mistake. When hymns were first introduced in the 18th century, they were extremely revolutionary and created a completely new standard of worship. They were secular in style, personal and culturally relevant in content, and absolutely shocked the “traditional” form of worship.3   Does this sound familiar? We should not focus the particular vehicle of expression but accept that worship has always been progressing and been a series of experimentations.

Recruitment: First Mistake

This is the starting point to the downfall of our current contemporary movement. Once the purpose of worship is to attract and recruit the unredeemed world then it ceases to become worship. This seems harsh but this needs to be rule number one in every church:

“Worship is easily corrupted when it is treated as a recruitment device, for that shifts its focus from honoring God to pleasing those who profess to honor God.”4

There is a huge difference in honestly honoring God with the worship your church community uses and putting on a face to “win souls”. One is genuine and one is fake and pathetic. The point of worshipping is not to look cool or making people feel good but it is to WORSHIP GOD and ONLY GOD! I will discuss the topic of styles later but first thing is first: worship is not a marketing tool.

Sacred versus Secular: Christian?

Let’s get down to the basics: worship music is “Christian” music, right? The generic consensus of what makes a song sacred has something to do with its content. However, I am going to argue that it is not that simple because just because the name “Jesus” is in the song doesn’t necessarily make it sacred or should be used in worship. Also, what do we do with instrumental music that expresses appropriate responses that words can’t? Many contemporary Christian artists in their quest to be relevant and be “in the world but not of the world” have created a parallel world that mimics the secular world. This “Christian bubble” of a music scene has not produced a Kingdom of God on earth but rather took aspects of the world and retreated to a “safe haven” that is just as full of idols of greed, fame, pride, etc. as the secular music scene.

“Christian pop is the hymnody of idolatry, the self’s worship of the self…[and] it exalts consumption over creation and self-promotion over service.”5  

Frankforter is unrelenting but I will have to agree with him whenever I see those huge Christian concerts and feel more disconnected with God than when I’m listening to a secular artist scream his lungs out about the hopelessness and hatred of life. With one I just see an unoriginal shadow who is ripping off the latest pop star while singing the newest “Christian phrase” and the other I see the honest depiction of a broken man who’s completely frustrated with the world and longing to feel something real. I see the “secular” song more sacred because it reveals the true nature of humans, the lament I have for the world, and the real need for Jesus…and calls me to love and serve.
Equating worship music to the Eucharist will create a safe standard. Bread and wine are just bread and wine unless it’s coupled with the Word. This, I realized, is essential to worship music. Frankforter states,

“A joyful noise is a natural, spontaneous, and appropriate response to the discovery of the reality of the Bible’s God. But it is only a response; it is not the cause of the worshiper’s sense of the divine presence.”6 

I’m not saying that every song from the contemporary music culture is dispensable, but for it to be worship, it needs to be coupled with the Word and to be used as an honest response to that Word.

Production: Accountability

Michelle K. Baker-Wright brings up an important issue of production in her work, Intimacy and Orthodoxy:

“Thus, many over-personalized worship songs are written in isolation, studio recorded, published, and distributed to thousands of churches that will replicate the same cultural and theological paradigms without any discernment process.”7

For the church to appropriately worship, there needs to be in full communication between the artists and the clergy. Artists need to be their own theologian to fully present the character of God. If you focus more on getting the right style than on the words to attract people (re: recruitment), then you will end up having a lifeless jingle that will sound catchy but wont correctly represent the God who you are worshipping.

Themes: Incomplete

As we entered into the modern world, the importance of individuality rose and the affects of this are clearly seen in the lyrics of popular contemporary Christian music. Most critics will agree that the “Me and My Jesus” mentality in the current worship needs to be altered in order to fully honor God. I can’t stress enough of how Marva Dawn is a champion in this area. She states:

“Such worship fosters the basic perspective that faith depends on how well we notice God’s glory, rather than of the gift of God’s revelation that God’s grace enables us to receive.”8 

She explains that the cause of this is the contemporary confusion of praise and “happiness”. Focusing on happiness makes us forget that God’s glory is through Christ’s sacrifice and the suffering of God’s people.9   This sort of repetitive optimism can actually be very spiritually disturbing.

“Only upbeat and happy songs are destructive to worshippers because it denies the realities of doubts concerning God, hiddenness of God, and the feeling of abandonment by God that cloud believers going through difficult times.”10 

The fear of looking weak is a twisted idea of our generation because we need to be reminded that redemption is not through the glory of the church but through the crucified Messiah. Thus, a full range of themes should be incorporated in worship, not by focusing on us, but by proclaiming God’s truth and God’s character. Songs of lament need to make its way to our churches. Songs of frustration should frighten us. Songs of mission should promote service. Songs of the Body of Christ should make us forget the individual. The range of themes should reflect the range of responses we have to the Word. As Marva Dawn puts it:

“Instead of recognizing the inadequacy of worship that teaches only one aspect of our relationship to God, [people in difficult times] blame themselves for inadequate faith.”11 

Style: Inspiring versus Imitating

So far I have said little about the actual style of music that should represent worship and I’ve done this on purpose because when it comes to worship, the methods are temporal and always in reform. The important thing a church needs to realize is:

“Hope lies not in discovering a single program or strategy to be imposed to all churches, but in trusting the power of grace to guide each in discovering how it can best worship with integrity. Worshipers must become explorers who risk forays into uncharted territory.”12 

As Christians, we are the ones that in face of God see the wickedness of life and yet at the same time see the ultimate glory of God. If anyone, we are the ones that know true sorrow and true joy. So, why is it that we have settled for cheap imitations of the world around us? We are the ones that should be inspiring instead of imitating. Do we have such little faith that we feel we need to copy what is popular in the unredeemed world to attract an audience? We need to be innovative and the forerunners of musical talent at the same time respectful of the past. If we find truth in an old hymn, then it would be foolish for us to discount it just because it’s “old".13  My church back home would sometimes take the lyrics of old hymns and put it with contemporary music.14   Style needs to honestly reflect each particular church.15   

Conclusion: Epiklesis

Throughout this paper I have touched on some of the aspects of the contemporary worship movement that need serious reconsideration and as a classic critic, I’ve pointed out the short-comings without offering specific remedies or a qualified 12 step program. The only real answer to church health and proper progression is taking the third person of the Trinity seriously. Truly evoking the Holy Spirit to guide each church will reveal what God’s character is and how each specific church and culture should respond and worship. The worship methods of every community will be vastly different but the lasting substance of worship should be consistent: followers who are being led by the Holy Spirit in creating authentic worship in response to the Word and in the language and style of their cultural identity. Inspiring the unredeemed world with their ability to see the world through the eyes of a true and living God and responding with a wide range of emotions to the complex themes of the Bible.

The church is worshipping the favor of the world and not the Triune God when it turns worship into a marketing tool. This makes us look like snakes instead of honest humans trusting in the Holy Spirit and the Power of the Word. Progression ceases when we have no faith that the Holy Spirit will guide the next generation in honoring God.


_______________________________________
1 Steve Turner, Imagine: A Vision for Christians in the Arts, (Downer’s Grove: IntraVarsity Press, 2001), 93.
2 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1995), 47.
3 Rob Des Cotes, Contemporary Worship and Our Quest for Intimate Relationship, (Regent College Thesis, 1997), 28-29.
4 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2001), xiii.
5 Ibid., 135.
6 Ibid., 136.
7 Michelle K. Baker-Wright, Intimacy and Orthodoxy, Missiology 35, no. 2 (April 2007): 169-178. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 176.
8 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, 77.
9 Ibid., 87.
10 Ibid., 88-89.
11 Ibid., 89.
12 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, 169.
13 Kara Mandryck, The Convergence Movement in Contemporary Worship, Didaskalia
(Otterburne, Man.) 17, no. 2 (2006): 19-36. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 24.
14 Vintage 21 in Raleigh, NC. The music was written specifically for that hymn to properly match the style and tone of the message with the music...NOT just putting a hymn to a popular song.
15 Imitators will be sniffed out immediately as con-artists.

Is this stealing?

its sunday so im obviously partaking in my sunday ritual which some would guess (and be wrong) that i was at church.  your wrong guess would be close though....i am at grounds for coffee eating a marvelous cinnamon roll and drinking incredibly hot and black coffee.  i have made this a graham bennett sacrament.   the best part about shoving this 10,000 calorie death trap down my throat is that i JUSTIFY IT!  thats right, i completely let myself off the hook by saying, "well, this will be the only big thing i eat all day."  so dinner will be just a bowl of frozen vegetables like last night (and i think the night before).

anyways, geez, the only reason i started talking about my cinnamon roll was only to say that eating a cinnamon roll may or may not be the best thing while writing in your bloggypoo.  i feel like eva when my keyboard is covered in cinnamon and frosting.  "how the hell did that get there.....EVA!!"  ohhhh it looks like eva got into the, im going to be safe and say, blueberry pie.

alright back to, or should i say, lets finally start the story at hand.  OH MY GOODNESS! this is LITERALLY a "story at hand" because im TYPING it!! that (sadly) just made my day!

so yesterday, i was at bennys bagels with lars, nerida, and maria.....having a lovely time kinda studying.  we were there for a loooong time and i was ready to leave and catch some precious vitamin d by staring straight into the sun with my eyes wide open.  apparently, thats the only way to REALLY do it (nomi).  maria was first to leave....an early strike if you ask me.  then later, nerida and i left....lars wanted to stay and "read".  well i shouldnt really put quotes around 'read' because that was exactly what he was doing instead of being aware of the cute girl that worked there that was obviously interested in him.  way to be oblivious lars.

so nerida and i were OFF!  walking down broadway, staying classy, and soaking up premium sun rays through out head windows.  she wanted to go into this consignment shop to look for a winter coat and since i was walking with her, i decided, hey...i dont have anything to do....especially not do school work like a responsible person.  however, it was to my dismay that this particular consignment shop was sexist.  sexist in a sense that it didnt cater to my manly needs by providing manly clothes.  it was a "girls only" shop......but i took caleb's nonchalant attitude towards signs like those and "model walked" right in.

nerida told me to try to find clothes that she might like.....this didnt go to well because a) i dont really know nerida that well so i obviously dont know her style and b) ive never shopped for girls....i could go shopping for my own sister and never pick out something "acceptable".

i obviously got bored quick and started playing in the small fountain they had in the store.  i was quickly reprimanded by the owner as she explained that theres bleach in that fountain.  then i made this connection:

man in "girls only" store = unattended child

or maybe its just me.  whatever, im over it.

after nerida tried on the entire store and didnt buy anything, we were OFF AGAIN!  this time to blockbuster.

we spend around 3.2 hours in blockbuster trying to figure out what the best movie is to show a bunch of 6th grade girls.  and no, im not hanging out with 6th grade girls, thats nerida's "hobby".  i didnt even hang out with 6th grade girls when i was in 6th grade.  i take that back, i had my first kiss in 6th grade from a girl in braces and after the kiss, my entire face was soaking wet with saliva.  it was AWESOME (at the time) but kinda gross thinking about it now.

we finally made out professional choices:

i got Holes.  and nerida got Penelope and Wall-E in the hopes that those little girls hadnt seen either.

boom!

while in line, there was a huge bowl of cadbury cream eggs that i of course cant resist.  when we get to the register, i try to "negotiate" with the counter lady as i proposed her this fair offer:

"hello lady, is there a deal where we get three movies and get a discount AND a free cadbury egg?"

she laughed and then she went on to explain some boring blockbuster rewards plan blah blah blah WHATEVER YOUNG LADY!

after her failed sales pitch, we just said we would just get the 3 movies.  however, i looked at her and asked, "so are you saying that i have to pay for this cream egg?"

with this she looked around, smiled, and then responded with, "wwwweeeelllll, i didnt say that" wink wink 

well those 'winks' werent there, but by the tone of her voice, they were implied.  so i said, "ohhhhhh gotcha"  wink  (my wink was there FOR SURE)  and then i put the egg in my pocket.

she rang up the movies and we left.  once outside, i looked at nerida and said, "well at least i got a cream egg! GOODY YAY!"  she looked at me like i was crazy and a BRUTAL THIEF!  what an outrage!

however, since shes from australia, ill give her some slack because she didnt know that:

a) there are various north americanisms that mean "yeah you get that for free"

and 

b) i get free stuff a lot

SO THE ACCUSATIONS STARTED!!!  it was baloney.....she didnt think that "wwweelllll, i didnt say that."  (in the tone of "yeah youre getting that for free") meant that I WAS GETTING THAT FOR FREE!

so im a little hesitant to share my little consumerism secret on the internets, fearing a widespread panic of all corporations that a certain someone (me) has been getting free stuff now and again by the simplest method EVER.  and no, not stealing!

but simply......ASKING!

for some reason, ive found that if you just ask for it for free....theres a SMALL chance (but a chance nonetheless) that you will get it for free.  ive done this mainly at coffee shops but now i can add blockbuster on the list of AWESOME STORE THAT GIVE FREE MERCHANDISE TO GRAHAM FLANAGAN BENNETT JUNIOR!

its really entertaining because since the worker isnt supposed to give free things out, they get an adrenaline rush as they rebel against the "system" and give me a free cookie or coffee.  i feel like im doing the ultimate service:

1) creating excitement in the life of a worker in the midst of their mundane works of commerce

2) keeping the corporations in "check" and to let them know they arent more powerful then the everyday man or woman

3) and IM GETTING THINGS FOR FREE

so moral of the story is that if people get things for free, its not necessarily because they stole it.  AND you should give things for free a lot because you might make someone's day by giving them something that costs one dollar for free. 

Missin' U BaBby aka I HATE ZACH GILLAN

my "new and improved gluttonfest" comment in my last blog has stirred some quote on quote bad vibes in raleigh, nc where the original gluttonfest was created by myself and a few un-nameable "friends".  the original gluttonfest was a stop at five guys burger joint and then on  top of that, a visit to pretzel town or ben and jerrys ice cream parlor.  BUT I THINK, the ethiopian feast and then the stop at the gelato shop (218 flavors whatever over it) is a much more GLORIOUS gluttonfest.  anyways, one such person (zachary) let me know exactly how he felt about my discovery of the newer and better gluttonfest:

Zachary: that isn't gluttonfest, you fucking clown.
get a clue, moron.

me: spare me

Zachary: healthy food?
me: HUGE ethiopian feast and THEN TONS OF GELATO

Zachary: I don't even know you anymore.
get fucked.

so in conclusion....no more GRAHAM AND ZACH FOREVER!!!  you can find that tree with our initials in it and CHOP IT DOWN and then feed it to a gang of beavers! I HATE YOU.

below is the latest photo of the former graham and zach: