A Day in the Life of...

saturday august 30th was a very tiring and productive day for me.  the weather was perfect in vancouver so this only encouraged me to pursue my original plans for this day.  at 4pm, i was supposed to meet at the art gallery in the middle of downtown vancouver.  i know, i know, most of you are asking yourselves, "who is fatty meeting? he has no friends!"

well, maybe, ok true, whatever, but thats about to change! suckers

a couple weeks ago while i was riding around, a fellow bicyclist gave me a flier for an alley cat bike race.  for those who dont know what an alley cat bike race is.....its a bike race idiot! shut up!

ok, theres more to it.  instead of just a start to finish style race....an alley cat contains many checkpoints for the sexy racers to get to.  this particular race had 74 checkpoints with a 3 hour time limit.  so pretty much do as many checkpoints as you can in the time allowed.  each checkpoint had a designated dollar amount (the more the checkpoint was, the harder it was to get or find)  the person with the most "money" collected was the HANDSOME VICTOR! 

i arrive a little before 4pm.  and check in with the organizer of the race, whose name was ottawa.  we all just hang out until about 4:50, when the race actually started.  when you checked in, the organizer gave you the manifest.  on that manifest were 6 locations.  i, being a vancouver newb, had no idea where ANY of these locations were.  i flip over the paper hoping for the complimentary map (just like the raleigh alley cats in the past).  however, there was no map.  shit.  im screwed.  im going to get the DFL* award and swift kick in the nuts.

*DFL means "Dead Fucking Last", clever, i know

anyways,  while we were waiting for the race to start, people were looking over the manifest and figuring out their "leet route" and i was just twiddling my sausage thumbs.  

alright graham! time to talk to someone.  my first verbal victim was nick.  he had a map and had just placed it down.  i asked to take a look at the map and i proceeded to ask him where the checkpoints were.  he was cool and actually ended up getting 2nd place in the race. 

the race was about to start but we were to put our bikes on the steps to the art gallery.  however, there were post-wedding photos being taken of the whole wedding party on the steps.  this minor speed bump wasnt going to be a buzz kill on ottawa's original master plan.  so there we were, improving the wedding pictures with our bikes, while the wedding crew were baffled by our "act of kindness".

it was 4:50 and ottawa said that everyone had to be back at 8pm......READY, SET, GO!

i hop on my bike and go to the nearest checkpoint.  it was a park.  i get there and i dont see anyone.  i just see a park with some dogs and families.  i ride around the park like a loose jackass looking for something to eat.  about the second time around, 2 girls finally wave at me so i bolt over there to get them to sign my paper.  well, instead of signing my paper, they gave me another manifest with about 11 other checkpoints.  crap.  another manifest that looks like gibberish to me.  whatever, ill figure that out later, ill just stick to the first manifest.  i book it!

i make it to another checkpoint where im greeted by a drunk twosome yelling, "no, you have to go get us a beer before we give you the other manifest!" there were several cans of beer there so i just assumed this was "standard procedure"

while im making a run to whatever corner store i could find, im thinking to myself, "i cant believe i have to leave and go back there for the second time AND theres another manifest!?"

i get back with the cheapest beer i could find.  they gave me a manifest and off i go!

im still sticking to the original manifest because those were the only ones i knew where they were.  thanks nick and nicks map.  the next thing i know, im holding 6 manifests with about 10-12 checkpoints on each manifest.  WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?

i bite the bullet and run into a store to buy a map.  i sit down and figure out whats going on.  i start riding towards two close checkpoints.  this is where my luck turns from awful to awesome.  i bump into jesse, a dude with a gnar gnar makino track bike.  my plan changed from looking at the manifests to trying to keep up with jesse.  (he looked like he knew what he was doing)

surprisingly enough, i kept up with him through the whole time.  he was fast but would get stuck at some lights, giving me enough time to catch up.  my legs were burning and all of a sudden i look down to see the front part of my saddle inside my jeans.  how the hell?  oh great, i totally ripped a hole in my crotch and now my saddle keeps creeping in like my fat hand into a (insert any food item here) jar.

if anyone asks, just say that my inner thigh muscle burst out of its denim jail for a taste of true freedom.  

most of the checkpoints were random questions like "whats the building name at 1337 diarrhea lane?" or how many benches are at nelson park? etc etc.  at one checkpoint, jesse was kind enough to let me copy down about 8 answers.  yes, mom, i cheated, sorry.  but a man has to do what a man has to do, right dad? 

the race itself was grueling but an awesome way to see the vast city of vancouver and all of its neighborhoods.  it was really fun aside from trying not to throw up from the largest amount of physical exertion ive juiced out in a very long time.

the race finally ended and i handed in my 6 manifests.  im pretty sure one of the 6 was completely blank, i didnt really want to go into the middle of stanley park and go to the aquarium.  stanley park is actually the huge wooded area in the picture at the top of this page.  it was on the complete opposite side from every other checkpoint.  so screw you baby beluga!

so, after the race, everyone just hung out at the art gallery, waiting for all the racers to make it back.  at this point, jesse, geoff, allen, and myself went to go grab some pizza.  allen was another group rider that rode with jesse and i for a little bit of the race and geoff was just another guy that i met at the race.  it was wild that mostly everyone at the race was a courier except for me.  geoff was a courier all this past summer but had quit because school is starting up.  he is attending the vancouver film school.  he was a really cool guy who has already added me on facebook (woot woot)

allen didnt do a lot of talking so i dont know much about him other than he was a nice guy.  (didnt yell at any old ladies or try to fight any kids or anything)

once everyone made it safely back to the art gallery, ottawa announced that awards were to be given out at his house.  however,  his house was located waaaayyy east, further than any checkpoint.

whatever, this will be a good way to actually hang out with people from vancouver.  so as a group, we make the trip out there.  we finally arrive and my sweat status was through the roof.  people and bikes were everywhere.....a couple of kegs and a few people smoking weed while a metallica cd played continuously in the background.  at first i thought it was just one or two songs from a playlist but then realized that, no, they put the whole metallica cd on.  it was great.

i mainly hung out with geoff and jesse.  cool cats.  i met this guy named jeff who told me that he goes by "ransom mother fucker" or "ransom mo fo" for short.  he said too many people around here were named jeff.  he was right.  i mean, his name was jeff, i already met a guy named geoff and im pretty sure ottawa's real name was jeff.  oh, and he told me that he only responds to "ransom mother fucker" if you say it with anger, regardless what was said after that.  i can only imagine his family dinners:

mom:  "jeff?"

*no response*

mom: "jeeffff sweetie?"

*no response*

mom: "RANSOM MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

jeff: "yes mom?"

mom: "can you pass the salt?"

jeff: "oh yeah, here ya go mom, i love you"

mom: "i love you too son"

yep, just like that. every night.

everyone there was pretty cool.  some were really punk, others just loved to bike.  there was one guy, that i forgot to introduce myself to so i dont know his name, but he was hilarious.  his name will be jeff #87 for now until i see him again and figure out his name. (which will probably be jeff)

anyways, this guy was the same drunk that made me get him a beer at one of the checkpoints (mind you, he was already drunk at 5pm, possibly way earlier)  anyways, you know how most people when they get really drunk, they get obnoxious and mean?  just a plain ol' asshole?  well with jeff #87, it was the complete opposite.  he became everyones best friend and would die for them all.  regardless what was said about anyone, he would jump in and interrupt with, "look, i dont care what you think about (person of topic) but hes an awesome guy, and yeah" or "i know we give him a hard time, but hes really one of my best friends" or even "look, if you wanna talk shit about this guy, you have to go through me first! LOOK AT THESE MUSCLES!" (he probably weighed like 150 and no one was talking shit anyways)

he was awesome.  he made it his mission to make sure everyone was having a "wicked" time and that everyone loved the race.

AWARDS TIME!!!

ottawa gets up and starts to announce the winners.  he said, "no bullshit! im going straight to what matters! FIRST PLACE FIRST!"

people were confused because in a traditional award ceremony, you do the runners up before announcing the HANDSOME VICTOR! but whatever, he can do what he wants.  but after he announced the winner, i soon realized his reason for announcing the first place first.  he had a table of prizes and he didnt want to sort through them and figure out what prize matched with each place.  clever ottawa (or lazy, whatever)

the winner got 200 bucks! that was pretty awesome.  and second place (nick) received a custom paint job from this guy.  "ill hook you up brother! just come on by my house and ill paint any frame you want!"  nick didnt seem very pleased.  the rest of the winners got to choose their own prize.  the rest of the prizes ranged from handle bars, hubs, pedals, steel toe clips, t-shirts, and a biking hat.  jesse got third place! he was stoked and later told me that he has never done that well.

right before ottawa was about to announce the 4th place winner, jeff #87 yells and interrupts him.  "alright, before we continue, lets give a hand to ottawa for putting on this awesome race!"  everyone applauded.  alright, thanks jeff #87, can we continue?

everyone was having a great time picking out their prizes then all of a sudden ottawa announces the 6th place winner......"GRAHAM!"

i start applauding the winner for a split second and the realize that he called my name! i bust out laughing and pumping my fists of fury in the air.  i point to jesse (in manly gratitude) and hes flipping out too because he knows that without him, i probably would have finished last.  nick yells out, "the out-of-towner!!"  which makes people cheer even more.  im not going to lie, it made me feel preeeetttty cool.  (i mean, I AM cool, right?.......my mom this so.."if i were your age and werent your mom...I would date you!" thanks mom)

i got up to choose my prize and i ended up choosing the biking hat.  it was yellow. and it ruled.  ive never owned a biking hat and ive always kinda wanted to.  so there ya go.  i think like the top 10 people got prizes.  good times.

the party continues with "wanton mirth" but all i was thinking about was laying down and resting my legs.  i was so fat.  i mean, i was so tired from the race.

i say my goodbyes and jesse says, i dont have a phone but we all hang out at the art gallery like everyday.  geoff asks for my email address because he said he would look me up on facebook.

excellent.

friend count: LIKE A MILLION...or at least a few more than before

i ask for directions back to kits (my stomping grounds).  fortunately it was just like 2 roads.  however, since i was currently way east and i live west of downtown, i knew i would be biking for a while.  well, about an hour later, i make it back to my place.  so after a full 3 hour race, and then another hour getting home, my body was ruined.  i take a shower (naked), drink water while watching mr. show, and then hit the hay, only to awake at 2pm the next day.  but whatever, i needed the rest. SO BACK OFF!

i wake up, get naked again to shower (wink wink blush) and was disappointed that my 200 pound rump roast was still hanging off my torso.  i did all that work yesterday and theres no results!!?? this is bogus.

San Francisco - Part 2

well, i made it home (vancouver) safely and now i think im ready to write part 2 of my san fran adventure.  now, ill go through all the little stories before i end with the grand finale....the ultimate highlight of the trip and possibly the history of mankind.  dakota is still wrestling with herself on whether or not this highlight is a good or bad thing.  i think its the best thing....and whatever i say goes.  dakota! SIT DOWN AND LIVE WITH IT!

now, during the week, adult dakota had to go to work everyday.  and that left me, alone, crying, and trying to figure out how to turn on dakotas impossible shower.  its ridiculous....and im not used to turning on and off showers because i used to just hop in whenever karibbean was in the BZL wet room.  and i would just let him "work the plumbing".

i should email this blog to karibbean's parents.

anyways, i was a bum and would wake up around lunch time.  i would be the worst (sexiest....ok, fattest) san fran tour guide ever.  once i was up, i would just walk around the different neighborhoods and try to "blend in".  it was neat walking around, riding the bus, and seeing all types of things.  i would go into all the cool bike shops that sf nick told me about and i would look at all the premium track bikes that i couldnt afford (thanks dakota, sf drained my wallet! just kidding, it was worth it) oh and speaking of sf nick, i got him a little "thank you" gift from SF so if you are reading this nick, then look out for the mail. ill probably send it to endless grind. 

well one morning, i wanted to actually go see something rather than just walk around aimlessly so i decided to go to the golden gate park and go the the de youngs observatory tower.  well, golden gate park is pretty big so i just started walking around in it (aimlessly) to try to find that stupid tower.  well dakota failed to mention that "golden gate park" really meant "hippie and bum marijuanaland".  so there i was, walking around the very people that Purel had in mind when they created their hand sanitizer.  

whatever, this aint no thang.  all of a sudden a this man, while riding on his bike (probably made of hemp, used toilet paper tubes, and an old vcr) swerves toward me and loudly barks in my ear.  now, im very surprised i didnt jump up in fright or at least flinch a little.  but luckily for me, i was listening to my ipod, and his bark matched up perfectly to the song i was listening to:  advent - blackout

finally i make it to the tower.  i climb many flights of stairs (via elevator) to get to the top.  im exhausted.  what? no, refreshments? this place is bogus.  well, besides the no complimentary treats or hand shakes, the tower was pretty awesome.  you could really see the whole city from up there and if i was smart, then i would but the picture of the magnificent view right here:

but im not smart.  so, google it or something, im sure you can find a picture taken from someone smart.  wait, ill google it!  heres one.

so that was pretty awesome.  well, time to go get dakota from work!  every night, dakota and i would fill our mouths with delicious foods from all the coolest restaurants.  it was great (expensive).  but worth every penny.  sf nick would live vicariously through our stomachs as we would go to his favorite restaurants.  him and i actually had a conversation about this:

nick - "look, i dont think this is working, i dont taste anything"

me - "ok, ill eat more and then maybe you can taste it!"

nick -  "no, it wont work, youre an idiot" 

me -  "im the idiot? LISTEN TURKEY! I WANNA EAT MORE OF THIS HERE FOODS SO LAY OFF BUB!"

nick - "i dont know why you are being so hostile"

me - "you just dont get it. DEAL WITH IT! HIT THE HIGHWAY! ITS MY WAY"

so i hung up my imaginary phone, walked out of the bathroom, and dakota asked who i was talking to and i just quickly changed the subject.

for my last night, dakota wanted me to experience bubble tea.  for any of you that dont know what bubble tea is, you can make it yourself! (well a bubble tea alternative at least) all you have to do is go get a smoothie.  then get a bag of gummy bears.  open the bag of gummy bears and empty the entire thing in the smoothie.  then use a 1 inch in diameter PVC pipe as a straw and GO TO TOWN ON THAT BABY!

so it was pretty good and weird at the same time.  i was already full from dinner and then i decide to put a pound of nerf balls in my belly.  my stomach just looked at me and asked if i was fucking loony or something.  it wasnt happy.  but i didnt throw up (im a professional).  every night, dakota and i would watch movies.  we watched sleepaway camp and almost all the indiana jones (as well as a couple episodes of mad men and project runway.....dakota wanted play "designer" and wanted to dress me up but couldnt find anything big enough to use).  those movies were awesome...."harrison ford is so sexy, i would french him so hard" - cobra rhodes.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP TIME!

while dakota was at work, we were talking to each other on the internets and were trying to figure out what adventure to go on that evening.  i remember passing by one thing and thought it might be an option for us to do.  i pitched the idea to dakota (half joking, half serious).  she thought about it and said "sure".  i was so glad that she agreed because i knew this was going to be awesome.  

we met up after she got off work and we headed to the castro theatre.  and there was already a line forming.  we stop by walgreens to sneak some candy in the theatre and to get cash back (this was a cash only type of places, 0ld sk00oo00ol) i sneak in trolli peach o's.  they are so delicious.

we finally get our tickets and walk in only to be given a gift bag full of goodies.  wow, i like this theatre.  now, ill admit, for a split second i was worried that no one was going to be as enthusiastic as i was hoping for.  my fears immediately vanished when we walked into the already full theater of excited people wearing golden paper crowns.  where the hell did everyone get the crowns? ohhhh wait, the gift bag!

we sit down and open the gift bag to discover a golden crown, pearl necklace, fork, plastic clapper that was shaped as a fish, glow stick, noise maker, and bubbles.

i put on my crown, crack my glow stick, look at dakota with a stupid grin and say, "this is going to be the best night of your life!" 

now, i know most of you are on the edge of your seats to find out what this magical night was all about. well its just going to have to wait

SING-A-LONG TO THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!

ok i couldnt wait any longer.  this night was probably the gayest/best thing ive done in my whole career as a human being.  but we pretty much had no choice.  when dakota and i walked by it one day, it was just destined that we would find ourselves in the same line.  if the theatre was just playing the little mermaid by itself, we probably wouldnt have gone (maybe) but this however was the rocky horror picture show for little girls....or in this case, middle-aged gay men.  the castro is the gay neighborhood in san francisco. soooo, it was amazing.  the whole movie invited the participation of the zestful crowd to sing, yell, and do whatever the spirit of disney made you do.

for ever song in the little mermaid, lyrics would grace the screen so that everyone could sing a long.  its funny how many songs that are in the movie and how you could only remember the first verse.  

along with the singing, there were cues in the movie for everyone to yell.  when the sharks were on the screen, the audience would yell, "look out!" or "get out of there ariel!" 

here were some other cues:

ursula: boo and hiss

sebastian's walk: use the clappers

ariel in new outfit: oooohh and aaahhhh

prince eric: woot and hollar (this was the easiest for everyone for some reason)

whenever you want ariel and prince eric to kiss:  make kissing noises

when they DID kiss:  pull the sting of the noise maker

when ariel was taking a bath: blow the bubbles

im probably forgetting some but other than those, the audience pretty much just yelled the entire time...laughing and making random comments.  it was my kind of theatre.  i would just yell, "shes such a babe dog!" whenever ariel was on the screen. 

my favorite cue was the ursula one.  it was great because ursula herself never actually received any boos or hisses.  however her two evil eels, that would appear on screen every time before she would appear, received ALL the boos and hisses.  by the time ursula actually appeared, everyone was pretty much over the boos and hisses and was ready to yell something else. 

like i said before, i was a little worried that people werent going to get "into it" but it was completely the opposite.  if it got any crazier, the place was going to explode......the gayest explosion ever.  during the song "unda da sea", everyone was singing as loud as they could and more than half of the theater got up and went to the front to dance and sing all together.  it was ridiculous and made me miss the BZL and raleigh dance parties. 

the only three little girls that were there didnt know what the fuck was going on.

dakota didnt know if the sing-a-long to the little mermaid, being the highlight of the trip, was a good or bad thing.  i assured her that nothing in the world would top that and it made the san fran trip of 2008 the best trip in the world!

here are some pictures from the trip:

full house

 dakota just got "PASSIONATE", she was jealous   

me: excited, dakota: unimpressed

 

brothers bennett

others can be found on the facebooks and my flickr but there werent many pictures

San Francisco - Part 1

well i pretty much rule the traveling world right now.  if cant tell from the title of this post, then you are an idiot.  im in san francisco right now.  well i was hanging alone in vancouver,  i was talking to dakota one evening and i decided to plan a trip down there before school starts because my time would be packed with reading and writing....or trying to read and trying to write.  in other words, dakota and i were sick of not hanging out with humans so we decided to plan an elaborate trip to avoid loneliness.  or not, whatever, im over it.  so i get on the internets and try to research the fastest and cheapest way to get to san fran from vancouver.  

TRAIN! of course, the wonderful steel worm of magic! that will be fun and cheap! wrong.  not only was it not as cheap as i thought but it would take around 24 hours to get to my destination.  so this little engine that could...could go ahead and eat shit and LIVE (live for a very long time in horrible shame of eating shit)

fine.  ill just fly there like an idiot.  so regardless how close vancouver is from seattle, the plane tickets were drastically different because i guess it really takes a lot of energy to cross an imaginary border.  so, as you read before, i found a great little way to get from vancouver to seattle.  so i book my flight from seattle to san fran and i also book my ride with quick shuttle.  and of course, i have to choose the miserably early pick up time with the shuttle.  

i thought that i wasnt going to have to walk in the wee hours of the morning to that pick up spot in a long time but i was wrong.  the first time i was in my suit and thought that was bad.  this time im walking with my full messenger bag and a rolling suitcase.  now, this time i decided not to chance my speed walking skills but rather my stay up all night skills.  i pack.  watch 2 movies.  then at 3:30am, i went to calhouns coffee.  hang out and read the paper like im getting a REALLY early start on the day, what a prick.  and then casually walked to the pick up.  

we get to customs really early but are held up because:

a) their computers crashed

b) this woman*

*ok now we are in a special place in the customs building where all the buses go.  and in this place, only one bus can go at a time.  so, there is only ONE, i repeat ONE line. ever.  well, there was one customs agent working so the line was for him.  however, another agent opened his stationed up and said, "i can take whoever is next!"......nothing happened.  however, everyone in the line is looking at the woman in front.  i guess she is too busy trying to count the freckles on her nose to listen to any direct orders.  the agent repeats, "i can help whoever is next" and then the bus driver starts yelling, "ma'am! go over there! COME ON!".......the woman finally looks up and asks, "who? me?"........................at this point im screaming in my head, "WHO ELSE!! HOLY CRAP SOMEONE SHOOT ME!!!"  but good thing i can control my outer and inner monologue with excellent precision.

nothing really happened with the flight other than i was smart to pack a hoodie in my carry on because the plane was a coooool 20 degrees fahrenheit. (seems like an airplane standard) also (i have to say fahrenheit now because if any canadians see 20 degrees, they would think, "that plane ride must have felt great, eh?")

i land and faithful dakota meets me at the airport.  once we arrive at her "dope pad", as she calls it, i put my stuff down.  now,  the adventures can finally begin!

i have been here for a couple days so i will talk about the memorable moments.  ok, well everything is memorable because san fran rules (great food), so here are some of the MOST memorable moments:

chapter 1 -  buses

now, san francisco must have the best bus/subway system ever because it brings out the best in people.  while riding on these special modes of transportation, regardless of how short the ride is, dakota and i can witness the best of human kind.  there are four specific events that i bring pleasure to the memory department of the brain.  

1)  "someone dropped a phone!......its gotta zebra cover.....ohhhh thats soooo cute...im down wit da zebras!" - all said by one person, couldnt see who but i assume it was this woman.

2) there were 4 teens that hopped on the bus.  they all had shopping bags full of expensive merchandise and ears covered in iphones.  they were hysterical and did i mention that they had to be like 14 years old MAX.  braces.  this one girl wouldnt shut the fuck up.  screaming on the phone for the recipient of this lucky phone call to get her a bottled water! "OH MY GAAAHHH, PLEASE GET ME A BOTTLE WATER, IM SO DRUNK!"  it was 3 pm, a totally unacceptable time for a 14 year hold to split a zima with 3 of her bestest friends, am i right?  this water bottle conversation lasted around 10 minutes and included a couple more different lucky recipients of the demand.  the other was trying to comfort another girl saying, "once we get off this bus then you will feel better."  i wanted them to throw up on each other.  but just on themselves or in their shopping bags so they wouldnt bother anyone else.  ooooor, i wish they werent drunk, that would be a healthier wish.  where were their parents? unsurprisingly, their names were:

-mary

-ashley

-mary ashley

-mary ashley-ashleigh

3)  while on the BART (bay area rapid transit...i looked it up, dakota) there are rear exits that have stairs that go up and down when the doors open and close.  now, there must have been something wrong with the stairs because when the door opened, the stairs did not go down.  this didnt stop a couple young gentlemen to jump on regardless of the unsafe stair situation.  they also decided to ignore the driver over the intercom yelling, "enter through the front only! dont enter through the back!"  anyways, they entered through the back and i didnt think the driver was going to care at all.  however, the the driver walked back and started yelling at these two rebels.  "ARE YOU IGNORANT OR JUST STUPID!!??!?" the driver yelled with fire in his eyes.  the rebels sat silently in shame because the driver didnt give them any other option other than IGNORANT or STUPID.  the rebels, realizing defeat, looked down at the ground (holding hands in fear).  

the driver walked back to the front of the car and with one final squirt of icing on the cake, gets on the intercom and says, "stupid is as stupid does".  driver - 1   rebels - 0

4)  this last one is not funny as its sad.  with a packed bus, there is no way around bumping into people when trying to get to the exit.  however, one woman decides to take out her frustration on an innocent middle aged woman.  "you bumped in my space bitch! just say excuse me, i dont care, bitch, you got a mouth, USE IT BITCH!!! bitch bitch" yadda yadda yadda "bitch bitch" something else was said here "bitch, bitch"  the other woman, just kept saying sorry and was mainly just confused that this conversation was still going on.  also a little amazed that one person can utter the word bitch a hundred times a minute.

like i said, the bus system brings out the best in people.  wow.

chapter 2 - the fishermans wharf

dakota and i wander down to the fishermans wharf to walk around and people watch.  we go into the "old school machines museum" where there were tons of quarter driven machines and pre-arcade fun.  it was really neat not only to see the old school games but to see the big "show" machines that would have song and dance routines or even dramatic and action routines.  pay a quarter and watch the original television?  i guess. i was cool.   i ruled at this machine.  dakota....not as good.  

there was also an old school black and white photo booth but we opted not to do that because WE ALREADY DID THAAAAT somewhere else......twice.

after the machine place, we walked outside to see a one man band.  so we give him some audience.  now, while he was tuning up, he was trying to get the crowd ready.  i try to help him out by yelling, "YAY!!!" really loud and then he smiled and we made eye contact (foolishly).  now, normally eye contact isnt that bad but in this situation, eye contact means that im his new best friend and he can rely on my to help him keep the crowd excited.  so for the rest of the show (3 whole songs), he kept staring at me as if i were his long lost son....or brother or something, he was young.  whatever, it was creepy and awkward.

oooo taffy shop! lets go in there!  dakota agreed (didnt want to argue with a fat man about candy) so we went inside.  i had a bucket in my hand and was filling it up with many exotic flavors of taffy like: chocolate or strawberry.  very rare flavors.  while i was elbow deep in a barrel of taffy (because the bottom pieces are the most delicious), dakota tried to get a picture of my fat ass and by doing so, she dropped her camera and messed up the lens.  it was all cockeyed.  she is sad, i am happy (because of the taffy, not the broken camera) so we left the store.  

me, being a genius, was able to fix the camera by carefully (forcefully) maneuvering (bending) the lens back into place.  dakota owes me a million dollars.  with this victory, dakota and i decide to celebrate with toffee!! we open the toffee and go to town. 

IT WAS GROSS!!! every flavor i got was garbage and this put a damper on the whole evening.  i couldnt get over it.  (this lasted about 5 minutes because i quickly forgot about it when dakota started talking about going to see the Full House house sometime this trip) 

chapter 3 -  everything else

so i looked up where the word 'blog' came from and it is a combo of 'web log'....i didnt know that....dakota laughed at me forever called me names and viciously tormenting me.  shes a meany.  im an idiot.

night 1 was interrupted by uncontrollable laughter.  the HAs and HEs were coming from me because while laying on the ground in my sleeping bag, i realize how HILARIOUS the word sleeping bag is.  i mean, think about it......oh look everyone, im SLEEPING in a BAG! im in a sleeping bag! a BAG! i laughed pretty hard to myself and when i tried to explain this to dakota, the second wave of her hateful name calling and tormenting began.  she thought that i was an idiot.  sleeping bag.

my brother steve, who lives in santa rosa, came down for a couple hours to hang out.  it was awesome to see him (jealous martha?).  nothing too exciting happened....we just hung out and went to some cool stores like upper playground.  it was just good to spend time with my own damn brother.

last night, dakota and i went to an ice creamery near her apartment.  the line was around the block and we waited in it for about 30 minutes.  i kept looking at dakota and telling her, "this better he awesome dakota or im going to kill you."  she was lucky.  i had a sundae with a scoop of coffee, scoop of vanilla, brownie bits, and hot fudge.  it was great.  i told dakota that if i lived here, i would become friends with the dudes that worked at that creamery.  not only for free ice cream (i mean that should be a good enough reason alone) but also they looked like they were "BZL material"

conclusion - 

good times so far.  san fran is really cool.  the food is AWESOME.  special thanks to sf nick for giving me quality shops and restaurants to go to.  ill make sure to hook you up with something special!

Vancouver Week 3 - no more vancouver weeks because i dont want to have to keep figuring out what event corresponds with what week!!

well this is probably going to be the continuing of the 22 short stories about fatso fattypants.  ill have to admit that nothing major has happened, only small stories.  i will also have to admit that ive become quite the lazy piece of shit.  i find myself waking up around 12:30pm or so, and sometimes not ever getting dressed (there was that one time i had to put pants on to check the mail)

since i had to leave my horse breeding business resources in raleigh, i have no important meetings to go to so i rarely set my alarm.  now i know some of you are saying, "i think we need to go to target to get some more toilet paper.....or is it tissue?" 

while others are saying, "hey graham! you have a whole new city to explore and put up Pratt stickers!"

well yes, i could do that but after a couple weeks, i will have to admit that it is hard getting motivated when you have no one to do things with....sad face....two bite brownie...happy face.  soooo i try to entertain myself through alternative vices.  

here are some of the things ive picked up or tried to pick up:

1) art.  maybe ill get into art again.  i was in AP art in high school....even though i didnt put any effort at all into it....sorry becky.  this recent decision to doodle again sprouted because of the response of the current market...or lack there of.  while searching craigslist and ebay for works of art to fill the dead walls of my off white apartment, i didnt find anything of value and all my search results fell short of my high class demands.  so i am going to take on the task of making the art that i want.  if i want a dinosaur riding a bicycle, then I will paint it.  and if i want a naked man fighting a dragon beast then I WILL PAINT IT or maybe charcoal that one, i think that one would look nice if it were out of charcoal.  

2) leather jackets.  well i ended up buying that leather jacket that jared was selling.  its neat. i like it.  now i just need to get my motorcycle up here so i can put that jacket to the ultimate test!  

3) movie critic.  since i dont really have any friends here, my nights are pretty open.  i usually fill those nights with a movie or 5.  blockbuster really likes me.  and i know they like me when im looking around in their store and my bag keeps bumping the shelf behind me but i dont really hear anything because my ears are plugged with headphones playing the latest tunes.  anyways, i watch a lot of movies and i just finished watching all the Saw movies.  very interesting.  i also saw smart people and it was really good.  and i now have a crush on ellen page.  and she is less that 2 years younger than me so that means i can say "i have a crush on ellen page" and it wont sound creepy.  oh and thanks to imdb, i found out that she is canadian and I'M pretty much canadian now (i have my own canadian bank account thank you very much) soooo we are going to go out for milkshakes.  boom! YES! so point of the story is that i like movies. the end.

4) coffee extraordinaire.  i bought a french press.  ive used it once and it tasted like diarrhea shit.  ill try again later.

im your regular renaissance man.

NC State - Reflection Paper

alright well when i was an undergrad lad, a couple of my fellow chums and i got into a little campus mischief.  this was the result.  

Graham Bennett

04-24-06

Reflection Paper

About a fortnight ago I was written up, charged, and found guilty for disorderly conduct. The reason for this is a lengthy, interesting story. It was a Friday and wonderful Friday at that. Matthew Bateson, Kalib Smith, and I were going to take the advantage of a lovely day to play outside and have some fun. Little did we know, our innocent intentions could have caused an accident.

My friends and I decided to play campus golf on the beautiful Friday. Campus golf is where you play golf, on campus, but with tennis balls instead of golf balls. Playing campus golf with golf balls would be just plain foolish because you could seriously hurt somebody or break someone’s property, such as windows, cars, or IPODs. We started at the Court of Carolina because there is good grass there to play. We played around the campus at the various grass spots. It was a lot of fun and harmless. Everyone that was around us found that campus golf was very interesting and funny. They loved watching us play. We never hit anyone with the balls and everyone around was aware that we were playing so everyone was safe. During the entire course of play, the intention was to have a good time. The weather was great, my amigos were there, and we were looking to have a swell Friday afternoon. Never was there any intention of having fun at the expense of another person. In regards to the Court, it was great grass. There were hardly any people laying out getting sweet tans, so we thought it would be the perfect starting point.

As we moved along campus, in a safe and cautious way so we wouldn’t hurt or offend anyone, we went through the brickyard. It was during class time so the college students were immersed in their studies instead of loitering in the brickyard. Because of their responsibility, no one was in harms way of our balls going through the brickyard. For the people relaxing in between classes at the Atrium, they were very amused and greatly enjoyed our excellent display of a harmless, fun game of campus golf. I personally received many compliments on my graceful swing. On the contrary, Kalib was mocked and booed for his lack of participation in the fun and exciting game. A real lackluster performance was earning him no “kudos” from the many attractive human females sunning their righteous bods whilst appreciating the subtle geometry of the brickyard parabolas. Needless to say, everyone that sunny Friday who came in contact with us three experienced wanton mirth and a welcome break from the tedium of their studies.

Along through campus we went, through the brickyard and to the attractively landscaped area adjacent to the Fox Science Teaching Lab. Kalib was on his phone at the time so he could not experience the sheer exhilaration of the fast growing sport of campus golf. After all this time through campus, we never once hit a student, car, nor well respected college professor. Many spectators erroneously thought that our main objective was to get a birdie on each hole, but in actuality, our main objective was to have a very safe day and not to put anyone or anything in harms way. Our intentions were never malicious but only to enjoy the great Friday and create new friendships with many fine NC State students. After passing the FoxTrot (the area behind Fox Science Teaching Lab, personally I would like to call it WolfTrot), we approached Dan Allen Drive. This is where our seemingly perfect day went astray.

As we approached Dan Allen Drive, Kalib was still on the phone, so he hadn’t been participating as Matthew and I were. Matthew and I agreed that playing on Dan Allen Drive was not safe because the mere image of many innocent civilians being brutally injured by a Wolfline bus going wildly haywire after the bus driver being distracted by our perfect swing and a fluorescent yellow tennis ball flying through the air went through our heads. It is a very similar concept described in the action packed drama thriller that propelled Ashton Kutcher (of tv’s “That 70’s Show”) from small-screen teen idol to the silver-screen heartthrob that won Demi Moore’s heart, “The Butterfly Effect”. Where a small action, such as hitting a tennis ball could possibly result in a horrific bloodshed on a sunny Friday afternoon on a once peaceful campus thoroughfare, Dan Allen Drive. After realizing the possibilities, we decided to grab our balls and walk down Dan Allen to emerge at Tucker beach and continue our rigorous game of campus golf. As we were walking down Dan Allen, Matthew and I were passing the tennis ball back and forth to strengthen our hand/eye coordination in a light-hearted fashion. On a slip of the wrist, the ball was expelled from our grasp and onto the sidewalk. There it rolled from the sidewalk to Dan Allen Drive and rolled down the curbside all the way to the intersection of Dan Allen Drive and Yarborough Drive. We quickly ran down to retrieve AWOL tennis ball. That particular tennis ball was my favorite because I wrote “I LOVE YOU” on it and I was not about to lose it. I mean, let’s face it: this was no ordinary ball. Painstakingly inscribed with an uplifting message of love to anyone who should find it (perhaps a lost soul, experiencing a dearth of joy and a surplus of malevolence from the cruel and gnarled hand of fate) I still felt not quite ready to let my love spread its wings and fly. Sometimes you just have to hold on to your favorite ball a little while longer. Having retrieved the tennis ball, we were down at the intersection where we ran into a few fellow co-eds who we were quite fond of; we were exchanging words of goodwill and delightful stories of the day.

While conversing with one another, a local constable who was diligently patrolling the area, decided to investigate the situation because his vigilant eye spotted our golf clubs. His strong moral compass indicated a possible crime in progress. However he had nothing to worry about because we were merely enjoying the day and our intentions were in no way malicious. The responsible police authority, once hearing we were just playing campus golf and not playing on the roads, told us to be careful and drove off to his regularly scheduled patrolling. Quickly, we saw the specially equipped Chevy Impala Cruiser barrel down Dan Allen towards our threesome. Kalib was the only one who said a swear word.

We, knowing we perpetrated no wrongdoing, coolly stood our ground and did not make a scene by attempting to flee. The officer of the law took us aside and told us that someone called in a report that their car was struck by a flying golf ball. We immediately knew that this report was not aimed at us because we neither struck a vehicle nor did we have golf balls. Nevertheless, we cooperated with the two fine police gentlemen, in the spirit of civic dutifulness that is the hallmark of all of our endeavors. One of the officers actually put “very cooperative” on my citation. That is where I conclude my account of that fateful Friday where I received the charge of disorderly conduct.

The next step of the process was to meet with Susan Trageser and talk about my charges and who Graham Bennett was. During our meeting, I explained what happened that Friday and she explained the meaning of “disorderly conduct”. After hearing her definition, which was that my actions could have potentially caused an accident, and upon realizing that even though I didn’t cause an accident, I could have, waves of shame began to caress my nubile flesh. I realized that my initial probing into the viability of the seemingly harmless pastime in which I naively engaged could have, despite my lofty intentions, resulted in an array of potential campus cataclysms. My decision making of tossing the tennis ball along side the Drive of Dan Allen was initially harmless but upon further review, having been enlightened by Susan, I realized my grave error: the fact that a florescent yellow rolling object down the side of the street could distract many motorists and cause a plethora of either minor or major accidents. Somber reflection after the fact caused me to come face to face with imagined scenarios which made me realize just how irresponsible my actions were. Had WRAL-5 anchor David Crabtree (my idol, by the way) been present, I would have felt even more foolish. This is not the behavior becoming of a well-intentioned youth studiously dedicated to his family, university, and future career. The image of Chad careening his lifted Ford Bronco into little Susie or a particularly zaftig Phi Delt haunts me because I would know that my carelessness on Dan Allen would have been the cause of that tragedy. In fact, I am scared of walking on the sidewalk with a zesty summer blouse (this can refer to a men’s shirt as well as a woman’s) on because I could potentially distract a hard working UPS driver from his rigorous, yet underrated and vital, errands of commerce.

Another vital lesson of this whole ordeal was that I learned that my irresponsible actions led Kalib astray from his pure innocent soul. Matthew and I wanted to bring Kalib along to experience the joy of campus golf. Maybe it was his sixth sense, but Kalib never fully participated because somehow he knew our carefree gallivanting would go horribly awry. Maybe subconsciously, Kalib knew that even though our playful games were fun and brought joy to many people, they could just have easily brought undeserved woe to our fair scholastic community. Some days I wish Kalib would have spoken up but instead his silence cost us dearly. Yet it is childish of me to attribute my actions to any fault of Kalib because it was ultimately my (foolhardy) decision. I wish that my run in with the law has no lasting effects on poor Kalib because I wish to be a moral role model to my life partner.

As to the question of what I would do if I ever find myself in a similar situation, it will never happen. But if on the rare occasion I am carrying a sports-oriented ball in public, I would choose quickly to conceal it in either my pocket or a safe satchel, where it can be protected and away from vehicles and pedestrians. I’ve learned that when it comes to safety, motor vehicles should never be taken for granted or underestimated as the potentially hurtling missiles of jaywalker carnage that a momentary distraction could render even a seemingly benign Kia Sportage or Toyota RAV-4. Public safety should not be trifled with. I’m glad that Susan brought to my attention of my irresponsible actions of that day. She gave me a newly found respect for the vehicles around me and that I should never do anything flamboyant to potentially cause one of these vehicles to run out of control.

In conclusion, I’ve come to look upon these unfortunate proceedings as a valuable learning experience. Although I behaved erroneously, from the lessons learned I will walk away a changed and matured human male. The next time some friends and I decide to have a little fun and rant around pretending to be the next PGA pro, I will think about all the possible and potentially harming consequences before beginning anything that can be called a “good time”. I just hope that I haven’t made any lingering negative effects on NC State’s students, drivers, or Kalib. I hope they don’t take my lapse in judgment as indicative of my true nature and are not tempted to repeat anything they might have learned from my poor example. Once again, I heartily apologize for my misconduct, which shall not be reoccurring.

The End

special thanks to cobra rhodes for helping me construct this masterpiece.

Vancouver Week 2 - 22 short stories about graham

alright, well nothing big has happened lately but i guess i can write about a lot of little things. and according to my math skills, youre good at math right, a lot of little things equals one big thing. hopefully i can remember all of them so this post is worthwhile. so a couple days ago i woke up determined to be productive and not to be such a bum. i wake up to an awful melody from my new cell phone. oh, for those who dont know, the iphone is no longer because the service for it up hither is too expensive and lame because rogers wireless is lame. i can tell you now that SOMEONE will not be receiving an authentic Bro-Zone Lair christmas card (btw, call me karibbean, no wait, email me and tell me whats a good time to call and then ill call you through the cheap and delicious skype)

anyways, back to the awful melody. apparently the cell phone i got was one from when i was in middle school (1970s) it was a very high tech middle school (fcds private school, it was mandatory for every student to have palm pilots, look it up). so every tone and melody on this phone is super high pitched and atrocious. it doesnt even have any old classical music turned into ringtones. it was just run of the mill, stupid, lets see how high pitched and annoying we can get this to sound, ringtones. well it worked, im up. are you happy? im not. for the past year ive had the well-deserved privilege of waking up to karibbean's hot breath in my ear while he says, "wake up my angel, time to take your throne in this world and be showered with gifts from common folk as you watch the cast of arrested development perform the live version of arrested development in the Bro-Zone Lair livin' room......oh and its your turn to take out the trash"

IM UP!

i eat a banana and drink a glass of milk. i dress my self like an adult and then i hope on my bike and go to the log cabin coffee shop. i stay there for only a couple hours, wasting it away surfing the internet and discovering new ways to use Nutella. i hop on my bike and head east. im meeting jared, the guy who obviously doesnt know any phone etiquette but just so happens to be selling a vintage motorcycle jacket. i get there. sweat status: dripping. "hey man, i know im really juicy but let me put on that leather jacket to cool me off, yeah, thats it"

well, it fit, and it looks GREAT! its the style that ive been looking for too. (leather daddy)

i didnt buy it just then because i wanted to think about it some more. and i also had zero cash on me. so yeah thinking.

i get on my bicycle and head back towards calhouns to "read" (vid chat to thomas and look on every craigslist ad ever!) before i get to calhouns i pass a bike shop that looks "with it" so i stop in. i chat with one of the workers there and he told me about the seaside route and that intrigued my senses. i have to buy something now. it is vancouver and so it rains a lot. every bike i see has a fender on it so i guess i have to "be cool" and get one. i put it on (even though it isnt raining) but whatever, i dont want to put it in my bag, SO GET OFF MY BACK! i get to calhouns but i just stay there for about an hour or so because i decide to become active. i start heading north towards the bay and then i see signs that tell me where the seaside route is (im such a pushover when it comes to city signs, they are so convincing and sleek) i see the bay! it looks so watery.

i follow the path and it goes by all the beaches....they are FULL of people sunning their righteous bods. hot bods.  i dont know these people so i continue pedaling. it gets kinda crowded and the next thing i know, im pedaling right through a wedding. shit, im way underdressed. i book it out of there and continue on this nice semi-flat route. its lovely.

the terrain starts to get steeper and i find myself on a hill. no worries, hills are alright, whatever. even though i dont have a hill friendly ratio on my fixed gear. well the hill doesnt end and gravity is hitting my fat body with full force. oh! a field with a great view, this is a perfect spot to ponder lifes questions and to enjoy the scenery and to think of poetic GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING HILL ILL KILL YOU WITH MY TEETH!

shade rules. thats one thing that i noticed almost immediately when i got to the west coast. it gets hot but its not humid. north carolina is humid. during the summers, its hot and wet. it feels like you are swimming through an obese guys (my) armpit. oh oh is this going to be a refreshing zephyr? false, it is just a fire-breathing dragon that is whispering sweet nothings with his 1000 degree breath as it burns your face. the shade in north carolina just feels dirty YMCA sauna but with less naked old men.

the shade and breezes up here actually feel great. after i catch my breath and rest up for bit, i get back on my bike and make it up the hill. i end up at UBC's campus! awesome, my college is on this campus....ill say hey. silently of course because i dont actually know anyone. i hang out there and read for a while. its nice. now, its time to figure out how long it takes me to get home. now, i definitely wont be going the seaside route because that was super long and in the wrong direction. there was a quick way back. it was pretty easy, it took about 16 minutes. horray!

since i dont know anyone, my nights are filled with talking to dakota (west coast timezzzzz) and watching movies. i just pick movies that i have little to no knowledge about so i can experience something new (i guess thats a new trend of mine)

one movie in particular was called Rocket Science. it was about some stuttering high schooler who tries to join the debate team or something. anyways, the movie was pretty entertaining but it had some really hilarious gems in it and this was one of those gems:

Check out my new band on MTV!! suck on that! BLAKE!

creepy...thank you zach for showing me this video

a) yes i would do goofy stuff on stage
b) i wouldnt suck as singing and then try to sing (grindcore vocals all the way!)
c) it does kinda look like me

Vancouver Week 2 - Billy's friend

ive made it a week and they havent kicked me out yet, thats good for the spirit.  so my mom just left.  oh, by the way, my mom came up here for a few days to help me get settled in.  (im not going to say no to a freebie) it was nice going around and shopping but i didnt see it as "blog" worthy.  

if trip after trip to every thrift store in vancouver looking for the perfect side table wasnt annoying enough, then my mom explaining for 20 minutes what exactly a key ring hook thing for the wall was so that i would know exactly what i was saying no to definitely was.

she really wanted key ring hooks.  its just not my style.  

but i couldnt complain at all because she was up here helping me get settled in and putting furniture in my empty apartment.  i might add that her price negotiating techniques became quite brutal toward the end:

her walking up to the clerk with 2 nice big pots in her hand...

"how much for these"

"oh, just 5 dolla.."

"TOO MUCH!"

wow mom, just leave him alone...

so we shopped and shopped. and now my apartment is COD 4 Teh WIiiin!!!1111one

now, she left around 1030am and i hung out for a bit, ate lunch, and then got on my bike (which was delivered the day before) and started riding.  i start heading toward downtown to ride around and explore.  it only took about 15 minutes for me to get downtown which was pretty sweet.  and riding over the bridge was really cool.  

however, i also had plans too.  this is one of the first things that i had actually planned while i was up here.  every other day was:  wake up (optional), do whatever, eat (mandatory), blog?, gaze at pictures of BZL members. 

but however, today was different.

so, billy reed, a fellow man in north carolina has a friend up in vancouver that he told me to contact once i got up here.  so with the technologies of the facebooks, i added her as a friend and explained that i was billys friend as well.  we messaged back and forth a little bit talking about vancouver and other random things.  so we planned to meet up so she can "teach me the ropes"....not the "ropes" that are "taught" at the annual BZL masquerade but rather some vancouver secrets.

so she told me about a coffee/dessert place called chiccos cafe that was supposed to be premium.  she loved that place and wanted to meet there so of course i asked if the desserts were "family-sized" and with a confused pause, i just said nevermind, ill meet you there.  

i get to the place about 15 minutes early so i could catch my breathe and air dry so i wouldnt be covered in sweat when i met her.  (north carolina chivalry, take note, do it)

15 minutes later:

sweat status: moist

sweet status: coolest guy ever

(why did i laugh when i typed 'moist'?)

natalie walks up.  she is wearing a baby blue and white cute little summer fun dress skirt one piece get it gurl and im just so glad that i changed right before i left because that would have been so awkward meeting for the first time with the same exact outfit.

i order a delicious strawberry slush and she gets a green tea latte which she claims is the best green tea latte in the world.  we'll see about that.

pretty much my drink is a strawberry smoothie type deal and im thinking it will come with a regular straw.  no, i was wrong.  i look at my cup and for some reason they have stuck what looks like a green 1 inch in diameter PVC pipe.  after one sip, a third of the drink is gone and i have a brutal brain freeze.  i try to play it cool and act like nothing is wrong which probably looked like i was holding in the biggest fart ever, straining to laugh and look like im listening when in reality all i can think of is my frozen head and this stupid straw. 

we talk and hang out, for almost 2 hours with only a couple awkward silences and me breaking those awkward silences with "that building looks neat, wow", "wow, i really cant get over this straw!" or "excuse while destroy the bathroom"

overall it was great, and good to meet someone.  ill definitely hang with her again.  

friend count: 2

i had to depart from our meeting because i was meeting my landlord at the house because he wanted to take me out for sushi.  he told me a place that he likes that has big sushi.  i bike home and hop in the shower because my sweat status went from moist to soaked in a matter of 20 minutes. 

we get to the place and its a tiny little hole in the wall but the prices were great and the sushi was big.  i wasnt that hungry because of the biking so i just order 2 rolls.  spicy tuna and bbq eel w/egg.  i get my sushi and todd wasnt joking.  the rolls were huge! they had to have been like 2 inches in diameter.  you really couldnt eat them in one bite (which sucks for sushi because after one bite, the roll pretty much falls apart, pissing me off).  i could only eat half of each (for those that are stupid in math, thats the same as just one roll).  

todd told be that they had a house roll that was about 4 inches in diameter.  now the picture below shows the three sizes of rolls.  the small ones were regular rolls that are the same size as every other roll that ive had at over places.  next up was mid-sized which were all the rolls wrapped in rice (i had these).  and the one that looks like a baby is the house roll.  

they were tasty like a cheese toast with sugar (karibbeans favorite treat)

small side story: 

when i get home, i call up this guy named jared.  you see, jared is a guy who is selling a totally awesome leather jacket that ive been looking for to go with my cafe racer.  my cafe racer is almost done.  i cant wait.  because its so close (wiring, starting it, tuning it) im just getting my friend and parts guy john to finish it while im up here.  anyways, i was initially pissed off with the conversation because this is how it started:

"hello"

"hey, can i speak with jared"

"yeah"

pause

pause

pause

"oh, is this jared?"

"yeah"

"oh ok, well, i was calling about the motorcycle jacket"

yadda 

yadda 

yadda

and so forth

come on, i hate that

Vancouver Week 1 - Meeting People with Thomas

im new here so i pretty much dont know anyone.  im sitting in calhoun's which is my morning times/helios substitute.  calhoun's is great because:

a) its open 24 hours

b) coffee bar + a delicious bakery

3) it looks like a log cabin (from the inside)

d) it has christmas lights on the windows, in the summer even! OMG ZANY!!!!!111one and yes, regardless what you think, sam metzler, it IS summer here too

now dont get me wrong raleigh, ill always love MT and helios because:

a) free drinks

b) sexy service (i mean, ladies (spago), have you SEEN jeffron the immortal???) GET IT GURL! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WAAAANT!!!

so while im surfing the internets (the missed connections section in the seattle craigslist, hoping to find one about me when i was there that one day) and drinking my medium iced vanilla latte, i get a vid chat invitation from thomas "bernie pickle" schambach.  of course i was talking (via my fingers) with him on ichat, so i declined the vid chat and told him that i was in public.  he quickly, and may i say harshly, refused to accept my denial and insisted that even though i was in public, we should talk anyways on vid chat because people talk in coffee shops anyways.  i succumbed to his demands.  

so as we talk like the scholars we are, exchanging political news and wise anecdotes, thomas gets the lovely idea to have some innocent fun with a stranger.  i of course agree because of what happened last time.

now, thomas is in a dark room and the only light that is illuminating his man face is the light that is coming from his laptop monitor window tv part.  so for me to see him, he has to get all the way up to the camera.  i have him on full screen so his face is now life-size.  keep this in mind.

anyways, there is a human female that is sitting behind me that i have chosen to be our victim, i mean, gift recipient.  shes studying at the moment so this little surprise will surely cheer her up from the life sucking work of...what ever she was studying at the time, im sure it was life sucking.  i get up, turn around, and place the laptop with the blacked out monitor on the corner of her table and say in the most soothing voice ever, "can you watch this, i have to go to the bathroom"

sidenote:  canada doesnt know what i mean when i say 'bathroom'.  canada only understands 'washroom'

she of course responds with a not-as-smooth-as-mine voice, "sure"

score.

i walk away, grinning ear to ear and giddy as a schoolboy.  i get to the bathroom (originally not needing to go) desperately find a urinal to relieve myself from all the excitement.

meanwhile:  

little schoolgirl studypants was working hard until thomas appears from the darkness.  his face is filling the screen and starts to talk to her.  "hey, hello, heeellllooooo.....im thomas was north carolinaaaaa"

she, thinking that it was a video, starts to watch.  after realizing that it wasnt a video, panically says, "holy shit, you are talking to me!!"

now, im not really sure what was said between her and thomas during the couple minutes i was in the bathroom looking cool, you will just have to ask him.  

im come out of the bathroom with great relief that she was smiling and talking rather than pissed off and my laptop broken on the floor.  i walk over and stand beside her to talk to thomas and we laugh and giggle and laugh.  i introduce myself and tell her that im glad that she has met thomas.  so thomas exits and i ask if i can join her because im new in town and dont know anyone.  she said yes so:

friend count: 1

we hang out and talk a bit but i didnt want to stay too long because i could tell that she needed to study.  after about 20 minutes or so of talking to each other with our mouths, i told her it was lovely to meet her and i turned around back to my table.  

thomas asked if i was married yet and i had to inform him that i was not.  i stayed in calhoun's for another 30 minutes or so until i got up to go.  before i walked out, i turned to study girl and i told her that i would love to steal some non-tourist tips from her sometime.  she asked if i was on facebook, and for me to add her.  she wrote her full name on a piece of paper and handed it to me.  

i told thomas what her full name was and a little bit later, he sent me a link to an IMDb page.  well apparently this calhoun's cafe study girl does a little producing and acting in vancouver.  and reviewing her resume, she has done some short films, theater, tv spots BUT most importantly, shes into improv.  now, goody for me because i would love to perform comedic improvisation in vancouver (nothing will replace Really Special People) so if i bother this girl enough, she may point me to the right people to get set up with a troupe! score. make people laugh. come on. yes. 

now, some of you may want to know who this mystery super famous super star is but i have chosen to respect her privacy because im sure she doesnt want a bunch of north carolina geniuses (idiots) contacting her to warn her about a fat problem in vancouver and that she should run for the hills.  hilarious. false.

good times.  meeting people is easy and fun (if you follow thomas and my plan)

Vancouver Week 1 - Seattle for the day

Its 4:45am and im waking up.  why am i waking up, i just went to bed a few hours ago! but whatever, its the plan.  i get out of bed and realize that theres no time to shower.  i look at my hair and make sure its somewhat acceptable.  it is.  obviously.  im a perfect human being.  i look great.   i put on my all black three button suit with a black shirt and turquoise tie.  don don would definitely think im good enough for a poke. 

im about to put my black dress shoes on but i opted for the red saucony sneakers.  i have to walk 3 miles to the quick shuttle pick up.  so i pack my bag with my dress shoes, rain jacket, and my passport.  im going to seattle today.  

i start speed walking in the pitch black vancouver towards the shuttle stop.  i really wish i could have taken a bus to the shuttle stop but alas, i pick the time where the buses arent running at all.  im glad i took fitness walking for my PE at NC State because it is really coming into hand.  i get there at 5:40 so i had time to stop in a shop for some water.  the shuttle picked us up at 5:55.  the shuttle ride wasnt bad, it was your typical school trip bus with a bus driver who thought he was a comedian.  the only time he was funny was when he was explaining that he and the other passengers would form a vicious mob to destroy anyone who would mess up the customs procedures when we crossed the border.  i giggled while everyone else failed to pay attention.

the shuttle was supposed to arrive at the best western in downtown seattle at 9:15 am, giving me ample time to catch a cab to the church.  oh, justin harvey is getting married today! thats where im going.  

its 9:15, and i cant even see the downtown yet.  come on, mr hilarious bus driver, move it.  

finally the shittle arrives at 9:45.  i run in the best western to withdraw cash from the ATM.  im pissed about how late i am and the $3.25 fee to withdraw money out of this piece of shit ATM was the cherry on top of my ill kill you sunday.  someone needs to give me a freaking break here please come on please.

well i caught one, right as i walk outside, a taxi rolled by and i hailed it.  he sped like crazy so i could get there on time.  of what i could see out the window, seattle looked like a pretty cool city.  we arrived at the church, i gave him the fare and frenched him. 

i run up the stairs and fling open the door and bolt in (thinking that ill have at least a foyer or hallway to catch my breathe and collect myself), however, there is no foyer or hallway, just a wedding staring at me as if going to yell "fire!" or "stuff is free of there! COME ON, LETS GET THAT FREE STUFF!" 

its 9:59 am.  goody yay.  it hasnt started yet.  i walk over to the back corner and grab a seat next to these people that looked my age.  the guy and gal sitting right beside me look at me and curiously ask, "what the hell have you been running from?"

i laugh and share my little adventure story and that i was so lucky to make it on time.  all of a sudden, the guy beside them, on the other side, peers around and asks, "are you graham?"  i of course respond with, "yes" (because that is the correct answer to that certain question) that was nathan, he was going to let me stay at his house but i had already reserved a shuttle ride back that very night.  the other two introduced themselves.  luke and anna.  they were nice.  luke went to mars hill with jussy.

the wedding was starting so we had to stop talking.  the wedding was really small (about 30 or so) but really beautiful.  it was awesome seeing jussy up there, i was trying to remember the last time that i saw jussy.  its been too long.  the service was great.  there were two pastors.  one giant man leading the service and one lady with crocs on with her robe served communion to jussy and skye.  

after the wedding, everyone went downstairs to the reception.  the reception had brunch food since it was an early wedding.  ill just say that the scones with strawberry jam and sweet whip cream was AWESOME.  but when i was looking at the scones, all i wanted was a bojangles chicken biscuit.  gimme that biscuit. 

i sat at a 7 person table with luke and anna, and two other couples.  i was the 7th wheel.  it was great.  it was a lot of fun chatting with everyone and visiting with jussy.  i got to meet skye but i didnt get a chance to really talk to her and get to know her.  but they were so busy entertaining everyone.  

while eating, jussys relative (uncle or granddad) came by the table to talk and with a super thick southern accent said, "ya cane ahways tell uh virginian cuz wheneva tha elbow is bendin', the mouth is openin' hehaheha"

the table didnt understand at all.  then all 6 of them looked at me to translate.  well i kind of understood but wasnt 100% sure.  im used to the thick southern accent, but that was hard to make out even for me.  however, knowing it was supposed to be a joke, the table just laughed along to escape another awkward minute.

the groom and bride getaway was great because jussy and skye rode off in matching red scooters.  

ok time out for a minute:  this drunk white guy has decided to invite himself to the table beside mine in the coffee shop.  the table beside consists of two gentlemen from the middle east.  im not sure where.  however, this drunk white guy is explaining that hes everything.  that hes native american and he starts listing different tribes.  one of the guys at the table laughs and says, "you arent redskin, you are a white man" and the drunk white guys responds with, "hey dude, i can be arab too, i mean look at this nose...eh? eh?....we are brothers man!"

ok game on.

so jussy and skye ride off with their matching scooters.  gimme that scooter.

its 12:15pm and my shuttle doesnt leave until 7:30 pm.  i have to figure out what im going to do for the rest of the day.  luckily, luke and anna, finding out that i have nothing to do, offer for me to hang with them the rest of the day.  excellent.

we go back to their place and rest up for a bit.  we watch some olympic rowing and end up taking a nap for about an hour or so.  that was nice.  

i told them that i didnt want to mess up their day so we could do whatever they were going to do.  back to school shopping!!! this was really cool because i got to go to some shops and see some of seattle.  we go into some thrift stores, chai houses, and a pizza joint.  i bought their pizza to pay them back for letting me hang for the day.  

they were kind enough to drop me off at the best western so i could catch my shuttle.  the shuttle was actually a little early so that was cool.  the drive back as way better because it was super fast.  the customs procedures getting into canada were way faster than getting into the US.  $50 bucks round trip from vancouver to seattle. cant beat that.  

i get home around 11ish and start talking to dakota online.  thats one thing that her and i can share while living on the west coast.  we can talk to each other on the internets while the east coast babbies are asleep.  karibbean is probably dreaming of not mouth kissing a girl but rather having a BZL tea party.  

oh, by the way, about the canadian tipping etiquette.  i was totally wrong.  remind me that i owe that laddy some tip monies the next time i see her.  apparently they tip around 15% here.  thanks googles.

Vancouver Week 1 - Ronnie

its a really weird feeling waking up and the only real responsibility you have is feeding yourself.  well everyone knows that responsibility is more or less a gluttonous privilege of mine.  so i continue with my ritual of waking up, showering, and heading out to walk around.  ill go down to broadway, my new stomping grounds, to find a restaurant for me to destroy.  i pass by a diner style burger joint that looks like it will do me well.  

i walk in and say, "hardcore party of one please".  the hostess looks at me and says that i can sit at the counter.  the counter is kind of full and i didnt want to sit next to anyone. (i guess the whole human desire to have companionship is beaten out by the human desire to protect his food, this is my food, dont even look at it, i know you have your own food, but seriously this is my food, ill kill you, and you then you will be my food)  

i see a open spot in the far corner so i wont have to sit right beside someone.  i sit down and immediately i am yelled at. 

"someone is actually sitting there im sorry"

"oh, ok, well can i sit there?" pointing to the two seater table behind me

"no, thats for 2 people"

shit

ok, so i have to sit in the middle of some people, whatever, im over it. ill eat and itll be great.  a shirley temple is delivered to the empty, but should have been mine, seat beside me so i assume theres a little girl sitting beside me who will try to play saved by the bell with me and insist that ill play zach morris or something because thats what little girls do. martha.

a man comes out of the bathroom with a backwards tan kangol hat and just enough facial hair to form the period at the end of this sentence.  however upon sitting down, his facial is made up of 4 pieces.  darius, take note.  2 thin one inch strips on his top lip.  gap in the middle of course.  1 tiny soul patch (or the richardson tickler).  and 1 thin strip at his chin.  awesome.  

he looks at the drink that was delivered to his spot on the bar and questions the server if this is in fact the drink that he ordered.  she said yes and i said, hey, a shirley temple is a fine beverage.  he laughs and says he ordered the cherry lime soda thingy but wishes it was a little more manly.  "like that!" he exclaimed while pointing to my coca-cola classic.  no shit, i thought, coca-cola classic is the manliest drink in the world.  

apparently the server that served us our drinks decided that we werent hungry or anything because she never came back.  a man came over to take our order and he was actually the owner of the classy joint.  the stranger beside me and i explain that this was our first time to this burger place.  the shirley temple man starts joking with the owner about the girly soda that he got and yells, "i mean, what kinda place is this?!" 

we order burgers.

finally the stranger and i, knowing that we would be siting beside each other for while, decided to make our diner relationship official by introducing ourselves.  ronnie was his name.  so we started talking about everything.  mostly small talk but mainly joking around and having a great time.  i dont know how we got on the subject of living for the now but ronnie explains that we should really learn from children and their way of appreciating every moment and when people plan to much, they miss a lot around them.  of course i had to concur because our lunch was a perfect example of this.  ronnie and i could have just looked straight forward at our burgers, ate, and left.  but no, we didnt care too much about accomplishing the task of feeding ourselves and stopped to enjoy the moment.  i go on to explain that i wished i was a child again because it was so easy to make friends because kids just bother making it complicated like adults do.  "hey i like your shirt, we are friends now, if its ok with your mom, you can come over to my house to play and drink lemonade" done. easy.

when eating our burgers, the owner comes over and tells us to try eating them upside-down.  i kinda understood because i guess since the top bun was bigger, it would have caught more of the burger juice (they were really juicy).  ronnie chimes in, "well you are going to have to support my legs because im not too good at head stands"  

the owner, not really getting the joke, starts to explain to ronnie.  ronnie acted dumb and played along with the thoughtful explanation (so i thought).

burger was really good.  its no borough burger, but it was a tasty treat nonetheless.  

since i was in a diner, i had no choice but to get a nice chocolate milkshake for dessert.  however, the owner, being a great owner im sure, was a terrible server.  i wanted a damn milkshake and ronnie knew i wanted a damn milkshake but burger owner boy never came by.  so every milkshake that the server was making in front of us, ronnie treats that milkshake as my milkshake and no matter how the server was making it, he or she was definitely making wrong.  "oh theres your milkshake.....oh no....ohhh no, no! NOOO!!!!! NOT WHIPCREAM NOOOOOO, wait yes, nevermind, he does want a cherry to match my stupid drink"

needless to say, the servers were confused.  apparently to work at this burgery, you have to little to no sense of humor.  good burgers though.  good milkshakes too. (i finally got one when i got up and tracked down the owner)

ronnie was cool, we talked about so many things about music, life, and of course the philosophy of living for the moment so that you can truly appreciate life around you.  ronnie confessed that at first when he walked out of the bathroom and saw me sitting beside him he thought to himself, "fuck! get out of here, i just wanted to eat alone".  i laugh and told him that i thought the exact same thing.  but we both were happy that instead of getting pissed off that our original lunch plan was ruined, we chose to not care about our failed plan of silently eating alone and made the best of the situation.  

its funny that our plan was shit compared to the actual event that took place.  sometimes the best happenings in life arent planned but rather occur when you actually stop, look around and find something worthwhile that would have been overlooked if your plan succeeded.

Vancouver Week 1 - Stupid Show, Isnt It?

well, i'm in vancouver, bc.  north carolina? get fucked.  actually,  before you do that, please send bojangles, krispy kreme, cheerwine, and sweet tea to vancouver please thank you.  oh, and karibbean, please eat some cheese toast with sugar for me. yummers.  

lets begin with the flight over here.  just a few highlights.

1) nims island isnt as cool as it looks

2) 30 rock is a "stupid show, isnt it?" to drunk 50 year olds with pony tails who sit beside me

3) babies cry

4) drunk 50 year olds with pony tails who sit beside me hate babies that cry

i land. get my student permit from immigration. get my bags. exchange all my stupid green american dollars for super fresh canadian dollars. hop in a cab. 

after about riding in silence for about 6 minutes, i realize that i have a couple voicemails that i need to check cringing  over the roaming charges.  right as i put my phone to my right ear, right being my most premium ear (thanks dr. may), i make eye contact with the cab driver in the rear view mirror.  the second the voicemails start, he decides to make small talk....thinking somehow this little device beside my ear is not a phone but rather an audio translator that allows me to communicate with dumbass cab drivers.  no offense to cab drivers or anything....all im saying is that when you see someone on the phone, even though they have a free ear,  you shouldnt feel obligated to fill that ear with questions that even a high school reunion would be sick of.

I finally make it to my destination.  i cant wait to put my crap in the basement suite of todd and barbs cozy red house.  barb is there to welcome me with some watermelon...juicy, reminds me of darius.  todd is at work so ill have to see his award winning mustache and beard combo later. 10 year old jake is at summer camp.  7 year old breezy is there to awkwardly respond with silence when i say "hey breezy".  ill make sure not to make any zephyr jokes around her.  

i unload everything and im ready for some tasty adventures.  but before that, i wanted to check my mail.  so i go upstairs to ask barb what the internet password is but unfortunately she cant remember the 50 digit chain of numbers and letters so im SOL.  and if you dont know what SOL means then ask my grandpa bowman (moms dad).  well, he is not with this world anymore so ill just tell you.  Shit Out of Luck.  todd knows the password.  todds at work.  mustache, beard, password will all have to come later.  breezy is still looking at me.

i start walking. nothing else to do.  i arrive at broadway which is just a lovely street full of stores, restaurants, and ohhhhh yes! a kid just walked passed me and hes wearing a pirates of the caribbean cape!!!! anyways, focus graham.  broadway is cool. the end.  im walking around and all i want to say is, "dakota?....oh sorry.....masa?...oh sorry....jaime?...oh sorry...haruna?...oh sorry"  but i hold my american tongue because i dont want to be kicked out just yet.  ok next, i find a coffee shop with free internet on broadway about 14 blocks away from BZL2.  masa works there.  goody yay.  i chat away with friends, check emails from crying martha and concerned father, and read delicious news feeds about zach and karibbeans saucy love affair.  apparently scott is cured....hepatitis C YOU LATER!  whens the party?  

after some latte, internets, and the daily attempt from thomas to vid chat (every time while im in a public place) i ask the coffee lady where a good place for me to eat dinner would be.  she pointed me to a place across the street where i sat there and ate a thack on a stack burger and watched soccer.  i tipped the waitress $1 on a $16 bill.  now before you berate me of my foolish or garrett-like act, let me explain.  i was told that canada was like europe where the servers actually get paid hourly (not $2.15 an hour in the states) but actual money that they could use an hour soooo they dont really expect a tip unless they were awesome.  so this miss server lady was just ok, she refilled my drink i guess, so i gave her a dollar which was something extra.  feeling like ive made this girl happy with a little extra in her pocket, i leave and walk down broadway to explore.  

i find another coffee shop to hang out at and read, check emails, and chat with north carolina.  i hang out there till its late and then i walk home.  its weird to say thats my home.  well i guess it will be for 3 years.  holy shit, im living in vancouver, bc!  what the hell am i doing? 

i get home and on the floor is the 50 digit password that todd has slid under the door.  goody yay, i have internet at home now.  i immediately take off my clothes (you know how the BZL works, regardless of what country its in)  and i begin to watch arrested development.  a couple minutes later i hear a knock on the door.  its todd.  i quickly put some clothes on and answer the door.  his mustache and beard looks even more fantastic than i remembered it.  bryan, you gotta lot of work to do.  anywho, todd remembered that i told him that my bed wasnt coming in till the next day so he was kind enough to offer a blow up mattress.  thanks mustache.  

i lay down to sleep only after drying off the sweat from pumping up the mattress with the most bobo pump ever.  monthly workout - check.  im well on my way to becoming not the fattest thing in canada.  

good night day 1.  this air mattress is just plain ol' awful.