MOVING

hosts. ill be on wordpress now. sorry blogger. you still look great.

http://fatflanagan.wordpress.com/

pipe it.

George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 3

let's talk about bacon. now, this was no ordinary bacon. this was the type of bacon that probably knew truths about life...mainly in mathematics. dont ask me how! it was just special. something extraordinary. one person that was supposed to be present but was out of town was our semi-sweet friend nomi. she is what we like to call a non-jewish jew. let's get one thing straight....she isnt jewish....her parents arent jewish....but she did however grow up in israel so we can say that she is culturally jewish. one of these habits she adopted was not eating pork. theres no reason for this other than her cultural upbringing. so she doesnt eat pork...no big deal. i dont give her crap for not eating pork just like she doesnt give me crap for being straight edge. i mean, she is so respectful of my choice and the reason that i choose to be straight edge that i often send her handwritten thank you notes in the mail with hearts and pictures of me expression my gratitude. these expression range from a classy headshot to an interactive picture such as me hugging a puppy with printed off picture of nomi's face as a mask. SOoooOOoooOoooo cuuuute!!!111onewon.

anyways, all that chit chat was to say that this bacon would have won even NOMI's heart. she would have seen it and knew her no-pork run was over. the shine of the maple syrup beamed through the air like rays of delicious light as the aroma filled our noses. as we were about to dig into george's amazing breakfast, i looked up to see eva drooling, which is actually cleaning her face from the dinner the night prior. thollanders eyes were in the back of his skull as he hypnotically tried to eat the air. laura was rolling up her sleeves in preparation for the bacon grease overflow. anna was rubbing the extra bacon grease on george's bald head because thats what you do in marriage. paul was for some reason taking his clothes off. and lars.....lars? dammit lars! GET OUT OF THE HOT TUB! IT'S BREAKFAST TIME!!!

this was by far the best bacon ive ever had. perfectly cooked with a glaze of maple syrup and probably a bunch of other stuff that george used. black magic being one of them! the scrambled eggs were the perfect consistency with cheese and herbs. hashbrowns? YES PLEASE! we devoured this magnificent meal with no shame. fat bodies....healthy minds.

the afternoon was devoted to digesting the breakfast as well as playing darts and pool. which i rule at by the way. i beat EVERYONE....EVERY TIME! well except george at darts. but he's on a team....so he doesnt count! he's cheating. he couldnt play for long because he had to start cooking dinner. george was the hero of the weekend because of his cooking skills. it was ridiculous, i say!

the ham he prepared for dinner was incredible. i think what made the ham taste so delicious was its combo of spices, herbs, and human seasoning. "human seasoning?" the untrained chef asks. well because george is the king of multi-tasking....he decided to cook the hunk of ham in the hot tub with all of us in it.

this sound disgusting but take the word of everyone there.....IT WAS MAGICAL! the human broth hot tub was the secret ingredient in giving the ham the desired flavor. i can hear anna saying, "SSSSSICK!" as she reads this or more accurately, quickly skims this. sorry anna, no pictures this time. well how about this one. that should appease you.

dont judge us. nor george's unorthodox cooking methods. though seemingly disgusting, THEY PRODUCE RESULTS! and not the result i got from the doctor confirming my type-2 diabetes or the result of my american apparel model audition:

but POSITIVE results. wait, i cant say 'positive' because the diabetes test was a positive and the doctor was also positively sure that i ate one of the medical instruments when she was out of the room. YOU CANT PROVE ANYTHING. so i guess the results that george's cooking produces are.....

mathematically complete. by that, i mean they complete people. everyone is, whether they believe it or not, incomplete until they eat from george's kitchen. here is a documentary explaining this phenomenon.

sidenote: this clip is SO MUCH MORE RIDICULOUS when you realize that they are in a room full of people.

im done writing. making that picture took far too much time and effort. so, the weekend was amazing. feel good, look good, do good, eat good, laugh good. i am very thankful to have such amazing friends.

philosophical dinosaurs

christian historians/RV owners

mennonite inventors

crazy artists

pious drummers

loving feminists

sexy chefs

especially the ones that can cook....BECAUSE I LOVE TO EAT.

endnote: mom, i do NOT have diabetes. please dont think that i went to some canadian doctor who told me i had diabetes. dont send anymore articles about childhood obesity or proper eating habits. thank you. i love you.

I just Googled "the greatest moment of my life"

before i proceed to part 3 of 'George and the Magical Hot Tub', I'd like to share a little something i like to call: pure gold.

canada finally got 'streetview' on google maps and for those that don't know what 'streetview' is, it's similar to street cred but way better. this little internet device allows your to walk the streets (one big step down the middle of the road at a time) of your favorite cities and neighborhoods. it's quite helpful for a couple reasons:

1) showing your friends where your home is

2) showing your stubborn friends that there IS a dairy queen on broadway and trafalgar

3) fantasizing that you are godzilla who destroys cities with snail like speed but can only take out objects that are 3 feet from the street

so pretty much it's the greatest feature of google. theyre really doing it.

the reason it took so long for canada to get this feature is because when google gave them the choice of getting the streetview feature or drinking maple syrup for 3 years straight...well canada obviously chose the latter. google, when (not if) you read this, please promise me that next time you think of an incredible idea and need to offer it to a country, give them another option like "make your own milkshake" or "play in the ball pit at a local fastfood restaurant" JUST to see the look on their faces....and also see what they choose...

so iain and i were hanging out at the bus stop on 4th and trafalgar...looking so super cool when iain pointed and yelled: "LOOK! google car!"

as it passes us, making my family proud was the only thing on my mind. so my middle finger saluted the fruits of 21st century technology. granddad bennett, for one, would be shedding tears of joy as he witnessed his legacy live on. the year was 1969 and granddad bennett was in a middle finger tournament which was the most elite tourney of that time. competitors from all over the globe came to fight over the rigorous course of both physical and psychological extremes. after the 72 hours of battling, my granddad came out the victor. receiving the trophy that trumps all trophies. gold plated....with a wooden middle finger at the top signifying who truly is the master. well, a few years ago for christmas, my granddad passed this on to his successor. at the time i didnt think i was worthy but my granddad saw the needed potential.

for years the trophy sat on my shelf as i passed by it knowing i didnt deserve it....until yesterday. iain ran up to be with his laptop in hand and a smile that would destroy even the meanest of bullies. he showed me something. something magnificent. yesterday was when i became my full ethos. behold:

DESTINY!!

we did it, granddad. we did it.

p.s. the trophy really does exist and my granddad did win it in 1969 and passed it along to me....that part i DIDNT make up.

George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 2

ok, time is going by and my memory is fading so let's see how well i can keep up this story to the accuracy it deserves. the first night (friday) was very relaxing and everyone just settling in with nothing more to do other than stargazing and hot tubbin'. thollander and i took the cold basement because we were the only ones that would see that as an upgrade from our normal sleeping situation. everyone wins. lars slept in the hot tub and wasnt killed because of his superior method. saturday morning came around and i actually woke up fairly early in regards to graham time......i was up and walking around in the AMs. ate a delicious pop tart and drank some coffee as i stood outside admiring the river and morning breeze. the cool zephyr chilled my white thighs, which were exposed because my robe came undone, as the coffee soothed my insides.

the weekend was obviously on a great start. i cant speak for the others that stayed in the cabin saturday but laura, george and i went into town to shop for groceries. the plan was that laura was going to cook saturday night and george was going to cook everything else (sunday morning and sunday night). lunches were no rules...everyone on their own. i was in charge of making sure they chose the appropriate foods because i was the representative of the eating crew. however my main responsibilities were dedicated to the dessert realm because according to my blood sugar level, i was the expert.

we finally departed from the grocery store with the car packed of fresh goodies. im glad i was there for the process because george was obviously inspired by my presence when he chose the basketball sized ham as his main course for sunday nights dinner. sweeeeeet sweeeeet ham.

that night laura made an AWESOME lasagna. super fun dinner that followed the game of "crazy heads". well, i think thats what the game is called, i kinda forgot and instead of asking lars, im just going to guess. and yes, this is yet ANOTHER invention from lars. its really exciting having a real life inventor as a friend. im inspired to invent my own inventions such as: the natural pillow. this has probably been discovered before but im going to take the 'lars technique of attributing self credit to something pre-existing'. it all started when i was at the water fountain and in the corner of my eye, i saw susie approaching. at first i was struck with the irrational fear of her coming up and hitting the back of my head down to crush all my teeth on the metal spigot. but what really happened was probably just as crushing. as my head was recently buzzed, revealed the contour of my skull...she gently grabbed my head fat roll on the back of my noggin and said..."oh what is the scientific name for this fat roll?" NOOOOOOOOO!! is what i screamed inside but then i though, hey, i could use that as a pillow. BOOM! world inventor.

anyways, 'crazy heads' is the most ridiculous game ive ever played and im pretty sure we all lost 10% of our IQs for it. leaving the group still in the "intelligent" realm while i was finally bumped down to the level of smart dog. or mario lopez. the game is simple both in the rules of play and the intellect needed from the players. this game is all about speed. you pick a card from a deck of playing cards and without any noise or the use of your hands, you write out the number or letter with your.....wait for it.......HEAD!!111onewon. CRAZY HEADS! SO ZANY! CRAZY!! AAHHHHH!! LOSIN' MY MIND! well as inane as it sounds, it was actually really fun. especially when everyone became crazy and competitive. we really got into it....which is hilarious to think of us getting "serious" about crazy heads. we should really be ashamed of ourselves. good thing we had a hot tub there to loosin' up the neck muscles.

throughout the entire weekend, we played darts and pool. now this was great. because i love sports, yes i said sports, where i dont have to run around and/or get hit with a ball. and believe it or not...im pretty much a shark in both areas of pub games. george pretty much destroyed everyone in darts....for very good reason. george, a sexy young man of 33, has just become a member of a darts team. this is definitely something to brag about because george can say that he is the youngest member EVER at the LEGION! i dont know what kind of lottery george won but he got the "in" at LEEEEEEGION! an exclusive lounge for the elderly...mainly retired vets. i have yet to join him but word on the street is that rumors of my dart skills have spread like a buffet table at the LEGION and they are looking for younger chaps so that the average age of the team goes from 103 to 94. im always willing to help out. especially when it gives me two boy scout merit badges.....two birds with one stone!

"wouldnt you get 3 merit badges for this event?" asks the guy whose brain is made of used espresso cakes. NO! ill only get 'darts' and 'aide to the elderly'.....i earned my 'buffet' badge LONG AGO when i was a new born and stole all my moms hospital food. it wasnt technically a buffet but the officials in the boy scout world were nonetheless impressed with my speed and agility...especially with such tiny hands.

oh, i found a picture of george and the LEEEEGION MEN!!!

they look great.

theres a short waiting list...because the LEGION is a "one out, one in" kind of place. but its the true 'one out, one in' kinda policy because it deals with life and death.

i really did it with that whole 'legion rant'....a little off topic. whatever. what else happened at the cabin?

there will be a part 3 that is dedicated to bacon...

George and the Magical Hot Tub

pathetic. this is one word that describes my blog habit. my weekly cinnamon roll/blog writing has been distracted by a little thing called: heart disease. now before my moms calls my canadian phone with her american phone to frantically ask me if i really have heart disease....i must admit that i dont. but im sure im pretty close. however, the start of the new school year has definitely been a challenge in trying to find ample time for blog world words.

so im here. now. writing a blog. of course about something that happened over a week ago. i lament not writing enough about my family vacation because the bennett family dynamic makes for good comedy. especially the in(s)ane personality of my mother. that 's' is in parentheses because she is absolutely insane but she its the inane type of insanity instead of the, you know, stabby type of insanity.

however, i have to cut my loses and realize that writing about something that happened months ago would only lead to the worst retelling of a story in history. so on to the story that calls for the title of the blog.

not this past weekend but the weekend prior, a group of went on an excursion to anna's parents cabin in the mountains of washington state. the team: lars, laura, eva, anna, george, paul, thollander, and graham flanagan bennett junior. anna, george and i were in the first car that left at 10am (1pm). those two times are anna's planned time, and anna's actual time of leaving. shes about as punctual as thollanders "clock" he bought from a dollar store. heres a little advice: dont buy an alarm clock from a dollar store....actually, just dont buy anything period from a dollar store if you need something reliable.

the drive wasnt that bad but the highlight of the drive up was a nice little country convenience store we stopped in, in small bum town, washington. i walk in to take a gander at all the great merchandise when my eye catches something quite incredible. a t-shirt. however, this was no ordinary t-shirt but a t-shirt that made you say "oh oh" when you saw it. at first glance, the shirt looked like a budweiser logo but upon closer inspection....it was actually a logo for "buttweiser" and there were three cartoon drawings of butts with thongs. wow.

oh this a whole rack of t-shirts? YES! so george and i start flipping through the selection and come across some gems. there was a michael jackson tribute one, which i ended up buying (of course). however, i do regret not buying the best t-shirt in the store...i really dont know what i was thinking. let me paint the picture of the shirt for you...

as you gaze at the majestic shirt, the first thing you notice is cartoon moose in the middle. what is the moose doing? oh, he is having sexual intercourse. who is the moose having sex with? would obviously be a poor question to ask in this particular case, but rather WHAT is the moose having sex with? a cut down tree, of course! since this is a cartoon, the artist took the liberty in letting the tree have the ability to speak because in a speech box from the tree was not words of love but rather, "what the f--?" due to future public presentation of the shirt by a lucky consumer, the artist had to censor the "f-word" to keep the classiness of the shirt. im glad he did that because i didnt want the picture of the moose humping the tree to lose its classiness...

this lovely picture was surrounded my some words, which formed the best poetry of the 21st century. above the picture was: "when i get drunk..." and below: "i make mistakes!"

incredible. and i fully regret not buying it.

so we arrive at the cabin friday evening and i immediately find a robe to put on. my swim trunks, michael jackson(with the sleeves torn off), and the robe was my official outfit for the entire weekend. after the grand tour, i came to the conclusion that the cabin was totally delicious. a couple "selling points" were: pool table, dart board, and the hot tub. however, the true hidden gem of the weekend was: george. george is anna's husband who is totally awesome. im glad he exists.

big statement? i dont care. i can say whatever i want in this here blog. george was the super glue of the trip as he was responsible for the majority of the cooking. i, of course, was responsible for the majority of the eating. the first example of this was the "quick dinner" we had our first night. "hey graham, you want a grilled cheese?" asked george. immediately my response was YES because i love grilled cheeses. hot cheese? dont mind if i do thank you very much!

while waiting for my sandwich, i decide to spend my time wisely so i started cleaning out all my bellybutton lint. after the last piece is pulled out, i realized i had enough to make a completely new shirt. yay goody, a FREE shirt! go green people. right as i was starting to assemble my new creation, george hands me the sandwich.

grilled cheese? george thinks THIS is a grilled cheese? this king sandwich was yes grilled but with: cheddar cheese, turkey, mayonnaise, honey mustard, tomato, caramelized onions AND pure lust. my eyes went dead when i consumed this hearty sandwich--shameless.

the rest of the peoples arrived later and the hot tubbin' began. oh, well the hot tubbin' started for anna the second we walked in...hours before the rest of us. you know, there are some girls that arent as "domesticated" as other traditional housewives, which is fine...but i believe anna takes this anti-standard to a new level. its as if someone tried to domesticate a dinosaur for the purpose of being a guide-dino for the blind....its just not gonna happen and more than likely someone will be killed.

so anyways, since the rest of the team arrived late, the night was just hot tubbin'. and thanks to lars, whose family not only brought hot tubs to canada BUT also invented the most efficient hot tub sitting position to maximize hot tubbin' time. someone employing this maneuver can stay in the hot tub for DAYS without dying. now, i would love to share this knowledge....but this particular move is going to have to cost you...

ok thats good for now...ill discuss more about the delicious foods and good times in a little bit.

Family Vacation 2k9: the Sociology of Mom

well its been a while since ive posted so the people who read only this to stay in touch with me are probably very worried on my whereabouts...and im interested to understand what their image of me is if they only get a taste from my cyber life. i mean, everything i write in this private journal is 100% accurate. i hate people who employ hyperbole....they are straight up liars in my book.

speaking of which, you should buy my book here: GRAHAM'S BOOK

instead of conventional packaging, each book is delivered to the new master chef in a big jar of mayonnaise. just screw off the 10 inch wide cap, dunk hand in vat, pull out book, lick clean, turn to page 32, and start making your very own spaghetti and meatmayonnaiseballs. now, for all you health nuts out there (martha), you can turn to page 67 for a 'lighter' meal:

4 tablespoons of mayonnaise

4 skittles

dont throw the tablespoon in the sink because this is pretty much what youll be using. its called the "graham's 4 bite anti-depressant". total calories: 510. my advice is not to strain the body in any way because your cholesterol will be the through the roof.

dangerous? maybe. BUT pages 390-400 are dedicated to troubleshooting body malfunctions. youre gonna need to read those pages.

ANYWAYS, i feel so stupid self-promoting my book. i dont mean to squeeze my own pepper here, but...im pretty proud of my first book.

aside from writing and publishing my book, my family came to vancouver from august 9th to the 18th for our family summer vacation extraordinaire. in the midst of the christmas 2k8 disaster, we managed to plan our vacation in vancouver. we thought that since i was already up here and taking summer school, it wouldve been to hard to figure out summer schedules to work out with my parents and two siblings....steve and martha.

this rift in my normal life was filled with family funtimes (clownings) with a dash of arguments and awkwardtimes. my mom, though thoroughly trained in the arts of being a southern belle, sometimes exhibits a complete lack of social awareness. but at least she looks great! same haircut since she won miss western high in high school.

so since you are asking the question, "how is mommy j socially unaware sometimes?" then i have no choice to present the family vacation not in chronological order.

incident 1 of 902938457:

as i was driving the rental car around vancouver and various tourist-friendly places around vancouver, i realized that i was an adult. i know there are several different questionable factors that go into the determination of an adult, such as:

voting age, drinking age, puberty, homeowning, financial independence, out of school, being a parent, killing a lion, various other tribal rites etc etc, the list goes on and on but i was never sure if i was an adult or not until this trip. upon extensive investigation, i have come to the conclusion that the only way you can be an adult is IF you are the one that drives in a vacation.

this responsibility is only deemed fit for a full-fledged adult. and once you are an adult, you must pronounce the word 'adult' correctly: with the emphasis on the A syllable rather than the U. not uhdUlt but A-dult. the A is like the A in 'apple'....you would never say, "excuse me martha, the uh-pple pie that you refuse to eat because you are some sort of health nut has now managed to make its way all over evas face"

so as adult me was driving the family-filled rental car to victoria, bc for a day or two, we had to take a ferry. we end up being late to the first ferry because we just had to stop in a white spot restaurant which is like a canadian classier Denny's. the breakfasts we had were simply shameful and my dad and i felt awful afterwards. my sister of course filled her new stomach...she replaced her God-given stomach with an empty hacky-sack she stole from a hippie when he was cleaning out his bong with diet coke...with a piece of toast and a couple bites of yogurt. im hesitant to say "bites" when talking about yogurt but "sips" definitely doesnt work and "slurps" might not be academically acceptable which shouldnt bother me since i care SO MUCH about being academically appropriate in this blog.

anyways, God told me he was thoroughly disappointed in my sisters decision to use a used hacky-sack when he clearly created the beach ball as a suitable stomach replacement. quit laughing. start learning.

we finally drive onto the ferry along with several other motor vehicles on a collective quest for victoria on vancouver island. we park and begin to get out of the car in order to go upstairs and snag prime seats on the ferry. and let me tell you, snagging prime seats on a ferry is serious business. my dad, sister and i were out of the car ready to go in seconds...my mom however, likes to take her sweet time getting out of the car. it doesnt matter where we are or where we have to be, my mom WILL spend 10 minutes deciding which visor is best for the specific occasion.

so as my mother was meticulously gathering her things to put in her zesty summer tote bag, my sister and dad made a run for it. i, of course being the the favorite of the family, stayed so my mother wouldnt be alone. things were looking encouraging when one of her legs was out of the opened door. however, this is where things got socially awkward.

since her door was open, she was blocking the back door of another car beside us. the drive had walked around and was waiting for my mom so he could get into his car and retrieve his child from the car seat. this particular stranger wasnt prepared for my mom's inability to exit a car in race car drivers speed, much less 10 minutes.

now, this could have been an innocent mistake, HOWEVER, my mom made eye contact with the guy waiting and completely knew he was waiting on her. this social exchange of recognizing each other's purpose and existence would lead to a couple of normal responses:

1) "oh sorry, i didnt know you were there, let me get out of the way" and then grab your things to exit the car so you arent in the way

OR, if you plan on taking a nap first or finish a 1500 piece puzzle before exiting a car like my mother, then this response is acceptable:

2) "oh sorry, i think ill be a while, let me shut this door so you can get your things for a minute" and then pull your leg in and shut the door.

unfortunately, my mother took the unorthodox road which was to smile and stay put. the guy stood patiently as i apologized and begged my mother to hurry up or at least shut the door. "oh that isnt that awkward of an incident" you may say...well this lasted FOREVER! even one minute of two strangers staring at one another with "what the hell is going on?" faces feels like an eternity.

i was pleading with my mother but apparently gathering the right possessions requires full attention and the need to block any outside sound or influence. as i was speaking to her, i could just see her looking into her tote bag, not acknowledging my existence (much less the poor miserable and surprisingly patient stranger), mouthing to herself, "i wonder if im going to need my hairdryer for this hour long ferry ride.."

internal humiliation burns began to weaken my body and the rest of my strength was dedicated to informing this stranger, who actually had time to makeshift a stool out of the stinks and trash he found around his car, about my mothers car-exiting condition and apologizing for wasting his life.

as the last water buffalo was crammed in the spacious tote bag, my mom finally exited the car. SUCCESS! finally the guy was able to get his child, who was now 13 years old, out of the car to be reunited with the family.

as i was questioning my mom about her thought process in that situation, she said, "well i knew he was there!" to which i responded with, "yes i know, which makes things worse!" but she explained that she translated the courteous smile from the gentleman on their first eye contact exchange to mean, "oh hello ma'am, i need to get my child out of that seat and your door is granting me sub-optimal access, but thats ok, take as long as you want."

since i was an Adult now, i thoroughly and firmly explained to my mother of her social faux pas. so which is replied, "i dont know why you are yelling at me."

i ended my lecture on social courtesy and manner with, "quit crying. start learning."

we finally begin out voyage to the upper decks to take in the beautiful british columbia scenery. suddenly we are halted by a sea of people returning to their cars. whats this? then my dad and sister appear to inform us that the ferry ride was over. great. all that effort for NOTHING.

The Wax Mistake, continued

so there i was, standing in the nunnery kitchen with a back that would make a baby say, "damn i need to shave my behind". i was smiling more because the pain was over. my skin was rosy red and starting to inflame. of course the blood was still squirting because every open pore was like a busted door in the jail cell of grahamskin prison. ESCAPE!

i thought i was done. no problem here. then nomi looked at me and said, "well now its weird because your back is bald and your chest is full"

then the discussion of waxing my chest was hot on everyone's minds. except mine of course. no no no no no nono noooooo i pleaded but they kept arguing for it. eva and nomi were CERTAIN that if they just wax off the top corners then it wold look so much better. i, knowing the ways of the chest hairs, KNEW this was a bad idea. the idea of a unnatural line across the top of the chest hair was the worst idea ever. because it would look so out of place. people would see it and say, "well i know thats not natural, did he wax only part of it....to try to shape it? what a freak!"

however, they wouldnt budge on their foolish idea and insisted i was wrong. "it would look so much better if those top corners were gone..." thollander decides to chime in by siding with the idiot ladies.

"COME ON! THOLLANDER! you know damn well that this is a horrible idea!" i yelled

"oh yeah, most definitely" he replied

i hate thollander because all he wants is misery in my life. nomi and eva were just foolish but thollander knew better!

finally i cracked and decided to let them wax the top corners so they would KNOW that they were wrong and i was right. and they would finally see how STUPID it was going to look. nomi was giddy as she was nuking the lava wax. hated life i did.

as she applied the liquid death to my chest, any sort of endorphins that were running through my adrenaline filled body were exhausted during the back episode. the pain was so much worse. she ripped away. stood back. and busted out laughing because of how dumb it looked. OF COURSE IT LOOKS DUMB! i called it. i would love to say i won this argument but i feel i lost since chest hairs were ripped from my body.

i wanted to leave it. i was done. this was so stupid.

but nomi's peer pressure kicked in again and at this point, i wasnt thinking clearly at all. i was a mess. im pretty sure she had in mind that she was going to take on my whole chest inch by inch.

"theres that little part in the middle that pops out above your shirt, let me get that at least.."

fine. whatever. dammit.

she ripped throat.

everyone is laughing at this point as i go to the mirror to assess the situation. was it halloween? my chest looked like a hideous heart. this asymmetrical line that ran across the top of my chest signified the level of hatred i had in my body. when people say, "ive had it up to here!" they have to make some indicator with their hand but this is never an accurate portrayal. i, on the other hand, had a distinct line that you could see.

coincidentally, it was the same level of dignity that id lost.

this looked horrible. i had to think quickly for a way to redeem this tragedy. uhh, lets make it into a joke! we need to make it look horrible so people know its a joke rather than onlookers trying to figure out what the hell i was doing because NO ONE shapes their chest hair!

i act as if i walk around with my shirt popped off all the time and this would be a serious problem BUT nonetheless, if i find myself at the beach soon, then i want to be prepared to impress all the beach babes that have augustinian metaphysics.

in my stupor, i threw out the suggestion of taking away my sternum! TAKE IT AWAY! whatever, we needed to make it look obvious that it was not serious! ANYTHING! nomi's vietnamese hands (she isnt vietnamese, she just has vietnamese hands....apparently...ask her) stoked my zaftig chest with hot dripping wax. my sternum was covered. the density of the sternum forest was impressive....one could get lost in there....dreams fulfilled.

she grabbed the waxing strip and yanked upwards to the sky. now, my back was a bleeder but my chest apparently is hemophiliac. wow, it seemed like every single pore was ready to BLEED! and bled it did. it was miserable. and to make things worse, my sternum forest was apparently quite resilient like my phoenix wings. because nomi had to go over that spot at least 4 times. great.

we got done and took a look at the "progress". it was horrible. i had two perfect square patches of hair on each titte brother. although the "joke" was the objective, it seemed like attaining it wasnt satisfactory. i looked/felt like an idiot. thollander was quite pleased with this new look of mine.

the parts of my chest that were waxed were already WAY WORSE than my back and honest, my tattoo was less painful than this. i really didnt expect there to be so much blood stowed away behind the skin of my chest. i already knew my pectorals werent muscle but i just assumed the cavity was filled with some sort of semi-solid carbohydrate, not blood. but i guess im learning something new everyday.

so im standing in the kitchen with nomi, eva, and matt around me laughing at me. i really wish someone could see in the window because they would have seen what looked like a shirtless rhinoceros standing in the middle of a laughing parade. clearly being mocked for its rotund figure.....and of course its abnormal hair growth.

after several HOURS(minutes) of debating...we finally decided to just go ahead and take the rest of the chest off. i was really reluctant but gave in to the three's recommendation. i sat down and nomi proceeded to heat up the wax once again.

she painstakingly worked her way down my chest. loving every minute of it. and by "painstakingly" i mean, she was working hard and i was receiving all the pain. she approached the hair around my nipplez and was delicately working her way around my nipple as to avoid the potential of a nipple removal. i have to hand it to my chest...it LOVED its hairs. it fought good and hard to keep the hairs but after the 3-4 times nomi had to go over the same spots, the chest would cry blood for each hair. EACH HAIR.

nomi was getting impatient with the need for a tedious nipple application so i just saw her stare at my nipple, touch the outside of it with the wax application strip, hesitate, and then just smear a big glop of wax across my nipple. well clearly she didnt want to bother with it anymore. luckily it wasnt ripped off. because, you know, as a guy, i really need those and all.

so the event was finally in its closing and i felt great. "great" means "waves of shame" in this context. i hate my life.

this was a few weeks ago and my back is still covered in red bumps. awesome.