The Wax Mistake

look, ive done a lot of stupid things. my portfolio has an array of memories that range from countless visits to the hospital to one fateful visit to a prison for a "scared straight" program. warning: the video thats linked features a guy whos favorite word is the f-word. so mom, dont click it...unless you want to live vicariously through your 15 year old son.

regardless of the slew of idiotic choices ive made, the decision i made a couple weeks ago might go down in the "do not do that again" book. which is really full by the way. however, surprisingly "go to prison for a scared straight program" is not in the book. the best part of that day was that the leader of the scared straight program or the 'prison tour guide' was more imaginative and frightening than any of the prisoners. he would describe brutal scenarios and start sentences with "now, if I were a prisoner..." and then we all ate at dennys on the way back. it was awesome. remember the good times, pito? oh, you hate me and regret our friendship? well thats a shame.

back to the story:

it all started when we were discussing our trip to the lake. oh, this is in vancouver by the way. ill return to raleigh, nc stories after this but i really feel i should interject and share this gem. as i was pondering on the subject of sunscreen, i started giggling at the idea that when asking someone to put some on my back, i would have to preface that said volunteer would have to run their fingers through a few "trouble areas" on my back. the trouble areas are certain islands of unwanted hairs. now, before you think i have a body sweater, my trouble areas are not dense rainforests so whatever. my trouble areas include: phoenix wings, bat wings, rib cage fur, and the infamous lower back mat.

for those that are ignorant in the ways of body hair, ill explain each zone so you get a picture of the "party pads". the phoenix wings are hairs that are coming out of the traps in the attempt to provide the ability to fly. bat wings are the upper arm hairs that are the complete opposite of the rest of my arm. if i have a t-shirt on, the arm hairs that are exposed are short, blonde, and growing downward. however, if im at a dance party and things get "wild", then i might pop that sucker off to let my body breath. once that happens, the upper arms reveal longer, darker, and strangely anti-gravity upward growing hairs. unattractive.

the rib cage fur and the infamous lower back mat seem self explanatory. they need to go as well.

eva, who im trying not to clown as much, intelligently and eloquently suggested, "nomi could wax those off for you."

i, whose complete attention was drawn to the cartoonish amount of lettuce in her hair, almost missed her suggestion. not only was i impressed that her attention span lasted through my 30 second explanation of my "trouble areas", but that she would offer some help on the matter.

ridiculous waxing is. thats why i said yes.

nomi, was completely in agreement to this idea because of her sick obsession to either inflict pain on me or let pain happen with no effort of hers to stop it. shes a real meany. yeah thats right, 100% mean, nothing good about her. i hate her. she is the worst. or in the gillan/fresh fashion: she is the ruiner. see, the best part about nomi is that this paragraph is FULL of compliments and nice things but noooooo she will only notice the negative things. silly girl.

so the week preceding the lake trip, nomi and i kept missing a chance to wax my roly-poly flesh. i was crammed with work and didnt have the energy to wake up early. i was up late every night studying HARD with thollander at the grind. and no this was not an appropriately named late night dance club. late night dance club? are their mid-morning dance clubs? im off topic.

the waxing festivities didnt occur in time for the trip. so i strutted my stuff, hair and all, on the beach. the cold, cloudy, lake beach. good times:

we ended the laketimes and arrived back at the nunnery where we lamented that i didnt wax my back for the trip. the day was relatively early so we decided to do it then. great idea! false.

as i popped my shirt off which made michelle blush, thollander laugh, and eva throw up, nomi was microwaving the wax.

thollander and i pleaded with michelle to allow me to lay on the kitchen table for this experiment, she was firm in her sanitary principles and didnt budge. well, the kitchen floor is a close second.

i was ready and happy to rid my back of hairs that served no fashion purpose. i mean honestly, why are they there!?

from the looks of this picture, one might conclude that i dont have a serious hair problem. well thats why my back hairs were elite...they were sneaky in appearance and a victim was clueless until it was too late. "i didnt see anything but something just grazed my face!!" says the victim. terrible.

nomi immediately put her game face on and her "no bullshit, true professional" attitude kicked in as she began to prep me. by prep me, i mean, she told me it was going to hurt.

as she spread the first dollop of wax, or hot lava, my body convulsed as the boiling liquid scalded my skin. "THATS SO HOT!" i squealed. nomi, knowing her sadist nature, probably heated the wax up to an unnecessary temperature just to spite me. the picture below shows the application of the lava wax as well as thollander pointing to my beard, suggesting it should be waxed off as well. jackass.

she ripped away the first strip. and luckily, it wasnt that bad. the spreading of the hot wax was actually way worse than the tear away. for those that know me, know then when pain is upon me, my reaction is to uncontrollably laugh. if im not laughing then two things have occurred: 1) it didnt really hurt or 2) im unconscious

so my high pitched, out of control giggling and out loud laughter began to fill the ears of everyone within a mile radius of the house. nomi had no idea what to do and this really didnt help her professional attitude. her character of being the tough serious pro was quickly broken.

now before you ask, "is she wearing pants?", ill go ahead and answer that. NO!

nomi lives by a few peculiar life guidelines:

a) makes sure to mention that shes from israel in every conversation

b) go to every star trek convention

c) argue that if dogs, who have souls, could talk then it would completely change the relationship however it wouldnt really matter to us since they speak hebrew

d) never wear pants

regent college has been very tolerant of her unique lifestyle and there is actually a special part of orientation dedicated to "nomi preparation" to inform the new students.

now, if you ask her about this photo, she will argue "NO! graham is a liar, i AM wearing shorts but you just cant see them because of my long shirt and the way i was sitting!!" just to appease her, just nod and say, "of course nomi, of course" although we all know she constantly lies and never wears pants.

as nomi was ruthlessly ripping my hairs out, there were a couple immediate problems.

1) my hair, especially my phoenix wings were true fighters. real hardcore hairs that held their ground with the utmost strength and endurance. this meant that not all the hairs tore out so a second and sometimes third and fourth try was needed.

2) the hairs that DID get ripped out decided to leave holes in my skin which obviously was an invitation for blood to escape.

so not only did nomi go over the same spots 3-4 times, but those very spots were bleeding. and let me tell you, hot wax on open wounds IS SO PLEASING!! nomi really knew what i wanted in life. as nomi strategically worked her way down my back, she arrived at the infamous lower back mat which she requested a "helping hand" to hold my pants down. eva-saurus rex offered her claw for the job. so this is by far the most incriminating picture of all three of us:

note the redness where the phoenix wings formally flourished.

the entire time, michelle was heartbroken as if she was watching a torture scene however it was so mesmerizing that she couldnt resist. thollander was yelling out tips for nomi such as: "yeah go over that spot again, im pretty sure you missed a hair", "nomi, im pretty sure it works better if you pull the strip slower" or "the wax is cooling, you should nuke it more". makana provided professional photography.

the back was done and i looked great. by great, i mean my entire back was red, inflamed and covered in dots of blood. but i was smooth...thats what matter, right? the objective was successfully completed but the plan took a wrong turn and what happened next, i truly regret...

to be continued.

TRIFECTA PICTURES

ok, so i found a shoe box under my bed that said:

DO NOT OPEN unless you a) like to party or b) you want to go down memory lane

after 3 sandwiches, 2 baths, and a nap (not including the 2 naps i had in the bath tub), i finally answered both a and b because i couldnt choose just one.

i found pictures of the TRIFECTA: me, jeffron the immortal, spago

jeffron climbin' sexy graham and spagy:

oh hey! summer dresses, summer lovin', summer secrets:

bath time with jeff-kitty:

p.s. these pictures are 100% real. no funny business.

NC Summer '09: of what i can remember about raleigh

raleigh, nc aka the city of oaks is full of great people. i wish to meet those people because all i know are the CLOWNS in that city. however, this fits perfect because from the evidence of this blog alone, you know that im a clown too. a sexy clown. a clown that doesnt have to buy make up because the food that i store on my face (so i dont have to walk all the way back to the refrigerator) acts as a professional concealer that successfully scares children.

the first night in raleigh was pretty special because i was met with a warm welcome. it all started when i went to the morning times, a lovely little coffee shop that is a hang out/place of employment for a lot of my friends. its kinda like 'the max' in saved by the bell but with more awkward touching and less ac slater crotch shots. who am i kidding...jeffron the immortal alone makes up for the 'crotch shot quota' that every team should have. i would proceed to link a picture of ac slater sitting backwards in a chair as he always did in the beloved teen show however google images have failed me. so this ice cold businessman looking to get fresh with YOU will have to suffice.

i cant believe there arent thousands of pictures of ac slater in a backwards chair...there sure were a lot of these, but who the hell cares!?

so i arrived at the morning times and ol' jeffey poo was working hard (and lookin' great) as usual. we lock eyes, and run to each other in the typical slow-mo fashion that you see in various rom coms. well obviously the world just doesnt cut to slow-mo to accommodate to a romantic moment but my lethargic stumble of a run made it look like it did. mission accomplished.

side note: i just realized how lax i am with the use of "mission accomplished". it seems like either everyday activities are missions or that i have no idea what a mission really is.

spago was there as well so the trifecta was BACK IN ACTION. when i was living in raleigh, jeffron, spago, and i formed the sexiest trifecta in all of the southeast. here is a little step by step progression to illustrate the sexiness/awesomeness of the grahamjeffronspago trifecta:

warm:

warmer:

HOT SAUCE:

ok i am thoroughly disappointed in my graphic design skills. upon realizing that there were no 'trifecta' pictures, i decided to make my own awesome picture using a simple program on the computers. and hour and a half later, i have failed like non other. ive downloaded 3 'ms paint' wanna-bes for mac and 2 have failed and 1 is too good for me apparently.

im really pissed off. this is the only thing i hate about macs: THERS NO MS PAINT. with ms paint, i was a MASTER! michelangelo (the artist and the teenage mutant ninja turtle) would fall on the ground to worship the art i would create with the ms paint! but with the mac, nnooooooooooo im left with other means to eventually fail. WHAT THE HELL IS A LAYER!! AND WHY CANT I SELECT THEM BOTH! whatever, im probably just completely dense and my graphic design friends are probably giggling like little school dweebs while muttering, "omg i bet he doesnt know the ctrl+alt+f7+leetdragdiack function uh huh huhuhu huhhh" SHUT UP

FURIOUS I AM!

ok whatever, im over it.

so we hang out at the morning times until jeffron got off work around 1030ish or something. we then left and went to a new cool hip bar called the foundation. it was me, jeffron, spago, and courtney. jeffron was drinking his mandatory mountain dew (he has to drink at least 2 liters and/or base jump from one skyscraper a day to keep his sponsorship). i was drinking what sets the foundation apart from other bars: homemade sodas. boom city! homemade gingerale rules hard.

we were only there for a little bit because everyone was going to be meeting at another new hip bar called busy bee. i was so excited that i may or may not have peed a little when thinking about partying hard with all my friends! jeffron left a little early to go back to the morning times to get his bike and said he was going to meet us there. all three places were around the same block so its alllllll gravy baby.

spago, courtney, and i take the short cut down a well lit, spacious, not creepy at all alley. butterflies are battling in my belly as i take each step towards friendville 2k9. wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? is that don don in the flesh waiting to greet me with a big hug (with sweaty palms)?

his mustache glistened in the moonlight as my lethargic stumble started up as if i were running after the remains of a oscar meyer wiener car/ice cream truck collision. the butterflies in my stomach must have found my secret sugar stash in one of the artificial folds in my stomach (the ones that i had surgically put in for "future famine" reasons) because they went into extreme flutter mode and popped my belt and pant buttons off.... weird.

so there i was, running towards ol' don don with my pants quickly falling to my ankles. now, a lot of you are probably wondering..."why were his pants dropping?"

well, i think my steroid butterfly story is fine enough BUT if you need more info, well IM SORRY! the excitement and thrill of the night was so overwhelming that everything was hazy!

but honestly, who WOULDNT drop trou? i mean look at him!

as i reached him, we embraced in a brotherly love hug. it. was. magic.

then immediately, he shoved me off like i was covered in mayonnaise! (likely, but i checked, i wasnt)

whats the deal, DON DON!??

then a bunch of my friends jumped out from every nook and cranny that alley had to offer with water balloons in their hands.

IT WAS A TRAP!!!

solid move sending don don to be the bait....they knew i couldnt resist.

as im getting pummeled by water balloons, i realized that maybe my pants being down around my ankles wasnt nearly as helpful as i thought they would be. i was like a sitting duck frantically shimmering in circles as i was bathing in what i hope was just water. i managed to catch one balloon and CREAM jeffron the immortal whos "hey, im gonna go get my bike, ill meet you at busy bee" really meant "hey, im gonna leave you early so i can get you wet"

side note for nomi: note that 'get you wet' did NOT have a wink wink following it SO quit thinking what i know you are thinking. perv.

they eventually ran out of ammo and they all celebrated as if they won the game winning point in a volleyball game. nerds.

my iphone and mom's cellphone were soaked. oh no. i take them out and them off to the nearest dry hands. the iphone is fine but my moms screen was all white. aaaaawwwweeeesome! i thought mommy deary was going to kill me BUT smart thinking by yours truly, i took the battery out and let it dry up for a day. the following day, it worked perfectly! GRAHAM - 1 CELL PHONE WATER DAMAGE - 0!!!!1111onewoneleven

after that, we all went to busy bee to hang out, laugh, touch, taste, etc. we were on the back patio and it was a lovely night to sit outside completely soaking. there was another group of partiers on the patio.....a 21st birthday to be exact. it was a group of loud OMG whooooo girls and the birthday girl was wearing a crown that said "buy me a drink im 21". which i read as, "do something stupid to me". so i did that.

i walked up, and told her i was going to get her a drink. she whoooed, i gringed, and went on my way to the bar. my friend tori was working so i knew i could get something for free AND the idea in my mind wouldnt cost them much.

i told the bartender that i wanted a big glass full of EVERY SINGLE non-alcoholic liquid he had back there. so he proceeded to put in every mixer, every soda, every fruit, every energy drink, every damn thing he had! it was unbelievable. unbelievably high in sugar content.

i walked up to mary ashley ashleigh (i assume that was her name) and gave her the cool beverage. she asked what it was and i said, "oh, the famous suicide version 2.0". i then waited, stared, smiled with my hands under my chin as she took her sip of every taste imaginable.

"mmmm pretty good!" she said.

"really? i mean, yeah, of course its good!" i replied in shock.

"whats in it?" she curiously inquired

"oh, everything the bar had, except alcohol" i said truthfully

"EWWW NO! im NOT gonna drink it!!" she responded with an alcoholic fury

i wish i didnt say anything and made her drink the whole thing. she gave the drink back and we all had a sip. it was so sweet that the back of your eyes hurt after more than one sip.

thats enough for now. more about raleigh later.

oh ps there is a video of the water balloon attack that hopefully ill get my hands on soon.

NC Summer '09: picture...

that sums up the ashleigh/justin wedding weekend:

more extreme version

NC Summer '09: of what i can remember about winston

after having to drop cargo to get the plane off the ground to accommodate to my needs, i left north carolina. i arrived in vancouver only to be in the library full time to write two papers for my book of Daniel class. success! i wrote two 10 pages papers in 5 days. (research, writing, everything). unfortunately i didnt have time to do the wanted illustrations for the papers. maybe next time. after turning those in, i had a couple days to catch my breathe. this was when i wrote part one of the NC adventures. immediately after that, i was full time in the library as well writing my two papers for theology of culture. success. finished on time!

NOW, im free until my next class starting the 27th. so i have time to write in my private journal inconveniently published on a public internet websitepage on a dot com. so i might just have to write about a couple highlights in NC because i have the short term memory of a goldfish.

WINSTON-SALEM:

winston was great because i got to ride my premium cafe racer. 1964 triumph bonneville t120r. riding that around town was so great and i can hardly explain the feeling of riding something that you built from the ground up. flying down the highway knowing that ive touched and tasted every bolt on that machine is both exhilarating and completely terrifying because im not a professional so i could explode without warning. well i guess my amateur mechanic abilities would be warning enough...

winston was full of hanging out with friends and family. erik and i surpassed our rom com quota with ease. for those that dont know what a rom com is, well its the movie genre: romantic comedy.

if i remember correctly, erik loves the rom coms over the com roms but the com roms beat out the rom drams however the com drams would be a strong contender if they hadnt died out in the late 90s.

erik and i (buddies for life):

me, erik, blake, stacey:

garrett wasnt there that evening but i cant forget him because i got to hang with him a lot. this is garrett. i dont know what hes doing in this picture...but note that he thinks covering 10% of his shirt is good enough to protect the whole thing:

unfortunately i cant remember any specific adventure but i do remember having an awesome 100% of the time with all my friends.

oh wait, in winston, i ran into my friend rachel who i went to high school with. she was getting married so my friend patrick and i decided to join their bachelorette party. we fit it well. it was good to hang with some of my high school buddies that i hadnt seen in a while.

here is sarada, me, katie, patrick, kristen, rachel:

they were playing some bachelorette card game that had 'dares' or some odd request on each card. i didnt really know this until from across the bar i hear from rachels mouth, "GRAHAM!! how would you like to spank your mother!?"

appalled i was.

but then i realized what she meant. in high school, rachel was the girl that looked after us with a motherly love SO i called her 'mom'. and no she didnt constantly spank me when i misbehaved in high school BUT this night, she wanted me to spank her. at first, i thought she had lost her mind but she explained that the card told her to. and as we all know, we can never not do something that a little card tells us to do. just a rule of life really.

i decided to give her the whole 'sympathetic dad' routine by telling her that "this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you". well let me tell you.

my joke turned into a reality when i was crying the entire time i open hand slapped her fanny. (the 'fanny' part will only be hilarious to people from the UK or australia as 'fanny' means something completely different than the innocent north american definition of someone's rear end)

now, those that know me personally (hopefully john milbank soon), know that though i feel emotions, i do NOT cry. so when i say that i was crying when i spanked my 'mom', suspicion arises from the validity of the story. well children of modernity, i have EMPIRICAL evidence that will prove the said event:

i cried. she laughed. well everyone laughed. except my real mom upon viewing this picture. im sure i will get a nice little email about decency and chivalry soon. awesome.

"graham! i cant believe you would disgrace our family by letting your hand graze a woman's fanny! i have developed a 5 point essay about common decency for the 21st century called 'janice's tips on finding the donna reed in all of us'..."

ill make sure to post the email when i get it.

OH!!! speaking of emails, i got one from my mother explaining the whole 'all the way' incident.

my email to her:

"hey mom,

remember that first night i was back in NC when you, dad, martha, and i were eating at midtown cafe and were messing with that waitress. and you said, "he dated the owners daughter....they went all the way". now according to the standard definition of 'all the way', katie and i DIDNT have sex...much less kissed. SO as ive been telling this hilarious story to my friends, im trying to figure out what you meant by 'all the way' because even if you did know the definition, and the circumstances were true, i know you would NEVER share that information in a public conversation so nonchalantly. SOOOO clearly you have another definition of 'all the way' and im curious to what you mean.

love, graham"

her response:

"Oh Graham

I am so sorry that you are telling the Midtown waitress story with miscontrued information. I NEVER said that you and Katie went "all the way!" My gosh, I would never say that to anyone.....plus, I would be COMATOSE if I thought y'all went all the way in the 8th grade....

What I said was that "y'all went all the way back to grade school!! However, with the interrupters we have in our family, that last part of my sentence probably never made it out; and if it did, it was probably drowned out by these rude family interrupters and critics. Does this make sense? Golly, next time I say something that you think is out of character for me, PLEASE ask me about it so that you don't misquote me or even worse, get the wrong impression of me.

Love, Mom

PS. My definition of "all the way" is the same as yours."

well im glad we got that cleared up. however not before i saw katie during rachel's bachelorette party and told her what my mom said. we had a good laugh.

JOHN MILBANK

i am free now. thats right, due to my 'good behavior', i was released from the sticky constraints of the library. and by 'good behavior', i mean, all-nighters with thollander at the grind coffee shop...a cute little 24/7 cafe. im sure they are glad that we are done with our papers too because of the now absent discussions of ontology, ecclesiology, eschatology, etc that filled the air. one of the papers i had to turn in was about JOHN MILBANK and his ECCLESIOLOGY or the fact that ecclesiology is need of some more thinkin' through.

i capitalized his name so he could find it easier when he googles his name and my blog comes up as a result. i got this idea from my friend who has a "serious" blog and posted about tim keller, an author and the pastor of redeemer presbyterian church in nyc. i say "serious" because hers isnt like mine where 90% of the post are about mayonnaise and/or my affinity for adult pajamas. well, tim keller responded on her post which led to the conclusion that he googled his name and her blog came up as a recent result.

SO john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, (i assume that the more frequent use of the name will make it show up at the top of the google results)

john milbank is responsible of my excruciating headache tuesday morning between 5am and 6am. i was sweating in my sheets, and the pain was so bad that it made me throw up. it as pure CRAP! and it was the last thing i wanted in celebration of my papers being complete. i blame john milbank's vague and drawn out writing style. theres a big difference between academic writing that is just over your head and poor writing that is unable to convey the appropriate message. john milbank falls in the latter...sorry brother. dont get me wrong, he had some really good stuff to say BUT there were also a lot of inconsistencies....and im pretty sure he made up a few words. SO JOHN MILBANK! if you googled your name, a) you can email me at: fatflanagan@gmail.com to say hey, tell me how your day was, and explain your ecclesiology. AND then ill send you my paper and you can tell me if im right or wrong.

and b) i just really want a theologian to stumbled across my blog to only be completely confused on why some clown that writes dumb stories is critiquing his theology. hilarious. to me. not to him.

SO IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST AND YOU ARE NOT JOHN MILBANK, THEN IM SORRY, BECAUSE THIS WAS AN EXCLUSIVE POST FOR JOHN MILBANK.

key words: john milbank, radical orthodoxy, mayonnaise, ecclesiology, eschatology, king hippo, augustine, bro-zone lair, "sir, youre making a scene"

NC Summer '09 part 1

so im sitting in a coffee shop. typical. however, get ready for the change up....im in a coffee shop in NORTH CAROLINA. raleigh to specific. helios....a coffee shop that i used to stomp when i lived in raleigh. i arrived, said hey and hugged my friend cameron who was working and proceeded to get an iced chai and a carrot cake cupcake for FREE! i figure this is a good time to start writing about my adventures in NC. i arrived about 2 weeks ago. so i have lots to say which means that its going to be a quick overview since ive forgotten everything. useless brain.

soooo for those that know, know that i was on some sort of track towards reaching the ever-so-desired goal of a summer bod. i was sorta working out with iain and thollander and sorta eating healthy. i stress the 'sorta' because i have been putting 'eating cinnamon rolls' in both of those summer bod categories. laugh all you want haters, but eating cinnamon rolls is HARD WORK! especially if the cinnamon roll is attached to the back of a grizzly bear's neck. fear = weight loss

regardless of any twisted summer bod track, my decision to visit north carolina was a disgusting surrender of self respect. when i stepped off the plane, the southern humidity, that engulfed my body, made the chore of salivating part of the past. my mouth opened with no remorse as i shoved any deep fried thing within arms length in my mouth. long story short: i have gained weight since ive been back.

evidence: i recently lost half of my suit in a traveling disaster to the dry cleaners. again, long story short: there is a bus driver in vancouver who is wearing premium suit pants. anyways, because of this i had to purchase a sexy euro cut suit. i bought it in vancouver a week before i left for north carolina and if fit perfectly. however, at the wedding i went to last weekend....the pant pockets were rendered useless as my muffin top hung over and down to my knees. breathing was not an option.

i have been to two wedding thus far and i also had to unfortunately miss one because there were two scheduled on the same day. the first wedding was located in hendersonville, nc....a small mountain town.

so i wrote that first part a couple weeks ago in raleigh, nc. now i am in vancouver AND not only that, i turned in my papers yesterday so i have SOME free time to a) sleep b) party c) dream about partying d) write in the blog. what about eating? oh, well that goes without saying....every possible free time activity will ALWAYS be coupled with eating. does anyone think about eating humans? no? ok, well whatever.

so where was i....oh, hendersonville, nc. the bride and groom were from this quaint little town and we just had a lovely dovely bubbly time there. the highlight of trip, no offense to the bride/groom, was our little visit in a particularly creative custom t-shirt shop. though the wedding was amazing and i had TONS of fun.....this t-shirt store had the "x-factor". it gave me butterflies in my stomach, my face was sore from smiling, and my whole body was tingling from the essence of this place of commerce. granted, darius' heavy breathing on the back of my neck may have added to the sensation but nonetheless, this store was special. and by 'special', i mean, state fair quality.

three dominate shirt themes were: god, alcohol, and patriotism. and sometimes (somehow) all three were having a little tea party on one shirt. one of my favorite poetic shirt employed alliteration in communicating the message of the shirt: "god, guns, and girls: what else does a guy need?"

my answer: class.

however, im pretty sure there was sign on the front door that said, "leave you fuckin' class at the door!" so i guess the shirt was in the clear according to the set standards.

darius and i witness the most hilarious and sad exchange ever. a large american male, and by large i mean, large by american standards. instead of the simple "yes" to the question, "would you like to supersize that?", this man's response would be "hell yeah, and ill take another for the road"

so this man was walking with a shirt that he painstakingly picked out that was an irish themed XXXL that read: "LET'S GET READY TO STUMBLE!?" while strutting through the store to show off his wise choice, another toothless male walked by and said, "ohh nice shirt man!". the large man acknowledged the well deserved compliment and continued on his path. then he provided an audible declaration to himself, and no one else. "i LOVE alcohol!" darius and i watched as this self affirmation occurred and were completely amiss as this man chose to vocally express what a simple inner monologue would have achieved.

after this lovely experience, i walked into the back section of the store. there were....paintings? weird, but i decided to take a gander knowing i would probably run into a portrait of either jesus or robert e lee. ohhhhhh whats this!? my eyes lock on one particular canvas that had more vibrant colors on it than an american apparel shop. is that a white man riding a horse with a sword coming out of his mouth? YES! IVE STUMBLED UPON THE SECOND COMING DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF REVELATION!!!! mind you, that 'stumble' was not a reference to that large male's shirt in the previous paragraph. i didnt know i was able to feel the same sensation for another painting as i did with darius the free but this painting was absolutely unbelievable. feast your eyes on this bad boy:

view larger size here

bonus: the owner of the store was the one that painted it. to this day, i regret not buying it. i really blew it on this one.

some special features of this painting:

1) the anger steam coming out of the horse's nostrils

2) heaven is a constant game of jacks under a rainbow

3) jesus opts for golden cowboy boots for apocalyptic adventures

4) is a that a double-sided lightsabre?

5) im pretty sure jesus has cancer if the playground myth of "if your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer" is true. however, jesus, being all-knowing, wouldnt get tricked into getting hit in the face by his own hand.....so nice try childhood bullies!

BACK IN VANCOUVER

ok, this is just going to be a very short post to let everyone know that i am not dead. for the longest time, ive been SO DAMN BUSY THAT COME ON SOMEONE GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE

summer school was incredibly nuts. all i had time for was read and eat used mayonnaise packets. ok, i dont know why "used mayonnaise packets" came to my mind because fresh, full mayonnaise packets would be the most logical (and deliciously nutritious) choice....but whatever, dont tread on this mind of imagination!

so after summer school classes, i went to NORTH CAROLINA for 3 weeks where i hung out with friends and gained weight. i will soon write professional non-fiction stories about my visit to the great state of north carolina. but now, im back in vancouver and have to be in the library 24/7 because my planning skills were far from ideal and are not envied by the organized.

the way summer school works is that the work/reading/research/writing are all due 6 weeks after the last day of class. however, my body was squatin' fresh vibes in the north carolinas and NOT doing any work. foolish graham. (send pity money immediately)

SO i am going to have to cram for the next few weeks trying to get everything done. therefore, i am here to tell you that i am back from my hiatus only to enter into a new hiatus because with the amount of work i have to do...blogging might be infrequent. BUT who knows, maybe ill have get a second breath one day and blooog about NC ADVENTURE TIMES.

teaser time-

one north carolina quote:

"he dated the owner's daughter in 8th grade........and they went all the way!" - my mom, to the waitress at a restaurant that my friend's dad owns.

the 'he' in that sentence is me. and NO, the information that my mom so nonchalantly shared is NOT true. im pretty sure she had no idea what she was talking about.

GREAT MOM!