The Wax Mistake

look, ive done a lot of stupid things. my portfolio has an array of memories that range from countless visits to the hospital to one fateful visit to a prison for a "scared straight" program. warning: the video thats linked features a guy whos favorite word is the f-word. so mom, dont click it...unless you want to live vicariously through your 15 year old son.

regardless of the slew of idiotic choices ive made, the decision i made a couple weeks ago might go down in the "do not do that again" book. which is really full by the way. however, surprisingly "go to prison for a scared straight program" is not in the book. the best part of that day was that the leader of the scared straight program or the 'prison tour guide' was more imaginative and frightening than any of the prisoners. he would describe brutal scenarios and start sentences with "now, if I were a prisoner..." and then we all ate at dennys on the way back. it was awesome. remember the good times, pito? oh, you hate me and regret our friendship? well thats a shame.

back to the story:

it all started when we were discussing our trip to the lake. oh, this is in vancouver by the way. ill return to raleigh, nc stories after this but i really feel i should interject and share this gem. as i was pondering on the subject of sunscreen, i started giggling at the idea that when asking someone to put some on my back, i would have to preface that said volunteer would have to run their fingers through a few "trouble areas" on my back. the trouble areas are certain islands of unwanted hairs. now, before you think i have a body sweater, my trouble areas are not dense rainforests so whatever. my trouble areas include: phoenix wings, bat wings, rib cage fur, and the infamous lower back mat.

for those that are ignorant in the ways of body hair, ill explain each zone so you get a picture of the "party pads". the phoenix wings are hairs that are coming out of the traps in the attempt to provide the ability to fly. bat wings are the upper arm hairs that are the complete opposite of the rest of my arm. if i have a t-shirt on, the arm hairs that are exposed are short, blonde, and growing downward. however, if im at a dance party and things get "wild", then i might pop that sucker off to let my body breath. once that happens, the upper arms reveal longer, darker, and strangely anti-gravity upward growing hairs. unattractive.

the rib cage fur and the infamous lower back mat seem self explanatory. they need to go as well.

eva, who im trying not to clown as much, intelligently and eloquently suggested, "nomi could wax those off for you."

i, whose complete attention was drawn to the cartoonish amount of lettuce in her hair, almost missed her suggestion. not only was i impressed that her attention span lasted through my 30 second explanation of my "trouble areas", but that she would offer some help on the matter.

ridiculous waxing is. thats why i said yes.

nomi, was completely in agreement to this idea because of her sick obsession to either inflict pain on me or let pain happen with no effort of hers to stop it. shes a real meany. yeah thats right, 100% mean, nothing good about her. i hate her. she is the worst. or in the gillan/fresh fashion: she is the ruiner. see, the best part about nomi is that this paragraph is FULL of compliments and nice things but noooooo she will only notice the negative things. silly girl.

so the week preceding the lake trip, nomi and i kept missing a chance to wax my roly-poly flesh. i was crammed with work and didnt have the energy to wake up early. i was up late every night studying HARD with thollander at the grind. and no this was not an appropriately named late night dance club. late night dance club? are their mid-morning dance clubs? im off topic.

the waxing festivities didnt occur in time for the trip. so i strutted my stuff, hair and all, on the beach. the cold, cloudy, lake beach. good times:

we ended the laketimes and arrived back at the nunnery where we lamented that i didnt wax my back for the trip. the day was relatively early so we decided to do it then. great idea! false.

as i popped my shirt off which made michelle blush, thollander laugh, and eva throw up, nomi was microwaving the wax.

thollander and i pleaded with michelle to allow me to lay on the kitchen table for this experiment, she was firm in her sanitary principles and didnt budge. well, the kitchen floor is a close second.

i was ready and happy to rid my back of hairs that served no fashion purpose. i mean honestly, why are they there!?

from the looks of this picture, one might conclude that i dont have a serious hair problem. well thats why my back hairs were elite...they were sneaky in appearance and a victim was clueless until it was too late. "i didnt see anything but something just grazed my face!!" says the victim. terrible.

nomi immediately put her game face on and her "no bullshit, true professional" attitude kicked in as she began to prep me. by prep me, i mean, she told me it was going to hurt.

as she spread the first dollop of wax, or hot lava, my body convulsed as the boiling liquid scalded my skin. "THATS SO HOT!" i squealed. nomi, knowing her sadist nature, probably heated the wax up to an unnecessary temperature just to spite me. the picture below shows the application of the lava wax as well as thollander pointing to my beard, suggesting it should be waxed off as well. jackass.

she ripped away the first strip. and luckily, it wasnt that bad. the spreading of the hot wax was actually way worse than the tear away. for those that know me, know then when pain is upon me, my reaction is to uncontrollably laugh. if im not laughing then two things have occurred: 1) it didnt really hurt or 2) im unconscious

so my high pitched, out of control giggling and out loud laughter began to fill the ears of everyone within a mile radius of the house. nomi had no idea what to do and this really didnt help her professional attitude. her character of being the tough serious pro was quickly broken.

now before you ask, "is she wearing pants?", ill go ahead and answer that. NO!

nomi lives by a few peculiar life guidelines:

a) makes sure to mention that shes from israel in every conversation

b) go to every star trek convention

c) argue that if dogs, who have souls, could talk then it would completely change the relationship however it wouldnt really matter to us since they speak hebrew

d) never wear pants

regent college has been very tolerant of her unique lifestyle and there is actually a special part of orientation dedicated to "nomi preparation" to inform the new students.

now, if you ask her about this photo, she will argue "NO! graham is a liar, i AM wearing shorts but you just cant see them because of my long shirt and the way i was sitting!!" just to appease her, just nod and say, "of course nomi, of course" although we all know she constantly lies and never wears pants.

as nomi was ruthlessly ripping my hairs out, there were a couple immediate problems.

1) my hair, especially my phoenix wings were true fighters. real hardcore hairs that held their ground with the utmost strength and endurance. this meant that not all the hairs tore out so a second and sometimes third and fourth try was needed.

2) the hairs that DID get ripped out decided to leave holes in my skin which obviously was an invitation for blood to escape.

so not only did nomi go over the same spots 3-4 times, but those very spots were bleeding. and let me tell you, hot wax on open wounds IS SO PLEASING!! nomi really knew what i wanted in life. as nomi strategically worked her way down my back, she arrived at the infamous lower back mat which she requested a "helping hand" to hold my pants down. eva-saurus rex offered her claw for the job. so this is by far the most incriminating picture of all three of us:

note the redness where the phoenix wings formally flourished.

the entire time, michelle was heartbroken as if she was watching a torture scene however it was so mesmerizing that she couldnt resist. thollander was yelling out tips for nomi such as: "yeah go over that spot again, im pretty sure you missed a hair", "nomi, im pretty sure it works better if you pull the strip slower" or "the wax is cooling, you should nuke it more". makana provided professional photography.

the back was done and i looked great. by great, i mean my entire back was red, inflamed and covered in dots of blood. but i was smooth...thats what matter, right? the objective was successfully completed but the plan took a wrong turn and what happened next, i truly regret...

to be continued.