Jeffron the Immortal part 4

so im on to part 4 of the jeffron chronicles.  before i write about jeffron and my adventures from last month....let me share two things that made me enjoy life:

1) last night a huge group of us met at the pub to watch a veeerrrrrry important aussie rules futbol game.  now, for those that know me, know that i dont really "follow" sports very closely (mainly because i dont want to associate myself with anything strenuous) but this fine little australian sport its awesome.  buff dudes + short shorts = TOTZ HAWT OMG!!!1111onewon

anyways, after the game, iain, suzie and i were walking up the street to go home.  while we were walking and enjoyed each other's company, a car of human bros drives by with a butterbean looking fat man sticking his head out of the window and yells the most articulate and clear drive-by clowning EVER!

"NICE GREEN JACKET, PENIS FACE!!!!"

immediately the three of us laughed and were so excited about the man's audacity.  i loved it.  i was so glad that it happened.  but then there was a discrepancy.  i was wearing my dark green hoodie and iain was also wearing a green hoodie.  his however was a brighter green and it was in a checkered pattern.  AND is a hoodie considered a jacket?  suzie concluded that it was in fact iain who the drunk men were "hollering" at.  im pretty sure she based this conclusion on the fact that iain's face looks like a penis.  now if these men yelled "nice green jacket, bag of mayonnaise face!" then we would know exactly who they were talking about.

i just realized that when describing the mystery drive-by man as butterbean, my "lovely" friends from raleigh, nc will leave comments such as:

"ohhh graham...instead of butterbean, you should have just said that the mystery drive-by man looked like a skinnier version of you huh huh uh u huh huh" - caleb 'cobra' gillan

or 

"im pretty sure you have diabetes because of all the late night cake intake...you arent going to fit into the tux for your brothers wedding next weekend" - mom

"no janice, its called a 'tuck'..." - dad

2) today was apparently girls day out because me and the gals from the nunnery decided to do a little art crawl.  there were open "studios" (i quote that for a reason, you will find out why later) throughout the neighborhood so that local artists could show off all their stuff.  it was really cool and the day was perfect for walking around and browsing through people's "studios"

our first stop was at an apartment building...ok...i guess this is it.  downstairs, we ring the room and an old lady's voice peeps through intercom.  i ask her if this was part of the art thing.  her old throat barely produces a "yes" and we were buzzed in.  i swear, i wouldnt have been surprised if she was dead by the time we made it up to her apartment.

we walk in and realize that by "studios" they (they being the brochure) mean people's actual homes.  this is going to be great.

eva, whos attention span is the size of a half eaten raisin, was immediately whining like the babby she is about how this art crawl was a crock of shit.  all the while nomi is in the back asking if the next studio was a restaurant instead.

the walk was really cool AND the next two studios a) were actual studios and b) served tasty treats

one memorable house was this older lady who ended up talking to me about cell phones for like 20 minutes.  i was about to kill myself but she just kept going and going and going about what she was looking for in a cell phone, all the ones that have failed her and how her current one wasnt "doing it for her".

it kinda sounded like she was giving her her whole life story about all the men in her life but no.....just cellphones.

the entire time, im just smiling and nodding.  how do i get caught up in these mindless (and endless) conversations about the most boring subject.  i should have just interrupted her and talked about all my favorite calendars in the past and how STOKED i was to have a kitten one this year.  

"oh my gaaaahhhh you wouldnt believe me if i told you but for march, holy shit, my birthday is in march!!! OMG!! but the kitten was in, you wouldnt believe this....but he was in a tea cup! HOW ADORABLE!! i mean last year was my boat calendar and there was a sailboat which was great at the time.....i was really into the nautical vessels at the time blah blah blah SEE HOW ANNOYING THAT IS AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

sometimes i wish i can just say or do whatever is on my mind but for some reason im convicted by this thing called "social etiquette" which obviously this women didnt live by because first rule of social etiquette is that you need to recognize when your conversation is making the person at the receiving end want to jam knives in his ears and set his face on fire. 

i know, i sound a tad mean right now but this lady was going on and on FOREVER!!  and i would say im a rather patient person (i taught my mom how to fly fish when everyone else in my family refused to teach her) but 20 minutes on the fact that her new cell phone didnt offer the grey background was just too much for me

however, i did have fun with the conversation at the end when i convinced her to buy long range walkie talkies instead of upgrading her cell phone.  i went into walkie talkie salesman mode at the end so i really hope she buys a bunch of walkie talkies for her and her "jobsite"

well my battery is about to die because i forgot to plug it up and i could either:

a) save this and finish it later with stories about jeffron 

or

b) publish something titled "jeffron the immortal part 4" that doesnt include ANYTHING about jeffron

B

Jeffron the Immortal part 3

its finally summer and i (with the company of my friend thollander) have created a pretty rigid summer program.  this program is a perfectly engineered domino set up that will be completely successful.  each step leads to the other.  i present to you the project summer 2009:

sexy summer bods

summer brides

summer babies

by the end of the summer, thollander and i will have full fledged families.  i know, i know..."what about the 9 months birthing baby period?" blah blah blah seriously.  clearly time is of no threat to us since our summer bods will be on active duty by tuesday.  im hoping to have a 3 year old by the end of august.  thollander's babby will be like 2 i think.  their names will reflect the place in which they were conceived soooo im thinking:  

bathtub bennett

and

ferriswheel thollander

the best part is when (mystery bride) and i are at the hospital in support for the birth of ferrisheel thollander....we will sneak away to a hideaway and create 'waiting room bennett'.  waiting room's immune system will be flawless.

i just realized that this has nothing to do with part 3 of jeffron the immortal.  SO WHERE WAS I!  

oh yeah, i realized that dates and times are not my forte so ill just tell the stories i remember from like a month ago.  this should be interesting.  

MY BIRTHDAY!

my birthday was march 23rd and we decided to have a little family dinner at the nunnery and then go to a bowling alley.  we ended up hanging out at the nunnery and i watched as jeffron touched and tasted all my vancouver friends.  he was warmly welcomed.  

by the way, when i say "touch and taste" it usually means that we are just hanging out party times.  however, i dont want to say that theres NEVER touching or tasting because i would be lying.  i tend to bite people.  

now if my memory serves me right, which it probably wont because im stupid, i think i arrived at the nunnery with jeffrons bday present.  while i went to school, jeffron explored all these outdoors stores looking for supplies for his epic adventure.  shit.  wait, i think im getting events messed up again.  

ok, friday! that was the bowling and then that following monday (my actual bday) was an intimate (pants optional) dinner party.  

ok lets talk about friday first because i think jeffrons bday present was monday.  dammit, this is so hard.  STUPID BRAIN!

ok, we were all hanging out at the nunnery in formal attire while making smores outside by the bonfire.  it was delicious and NO ONE made a mess!!!  best night ever.

alright, that was a lie.  we werent in formal attire, nor were we making smores.  and even if we made smores, the fact that i said "NO ONE made a mess" is down right laughable because we ALL know that eva would have melted marshmallow in her hair, chocolate on her face and her leg would be on fire.  pathetic. 

fact time:

we were waiting on michelle (the classiest and nicest person ever) to get off work so we could all go bowling.  i then realized that michelle hadnt met jeffron yet so a saucy thought popped in my head.  next thing we knew, iain, suzie, jeffron, and i were in the car chanting, "FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS!" and driving towards the starbucks that michelle worked at.  the plan was simple...jeffron go in there with his mushroom haircut and hit on/freak out michelle.  a real 'no rules' operation.

we get there and i sneak up to the window to have a peak inside to see if a) she was there and b) show jeffron who the target was.

i slowly (and stealthily) peered around the concrete wall and to the window.  i didnt see her at first so peered a little furthurOH MY GAAAHHHHH!!! SHES RIGHT THERE!  she was at the cream/sugar station RIGHT BESIDE the window...it scared me out.  my heart was pounded HARD AND FAST!

we were all pumped as jeffron went in for the BZL kill!  the squad hercules/team self respect adventures with jeffron were BACK!

right when he went in, a gaggle of teens with capes walked by.  and i know that sounds completely ridiculous but im not making this up.  about 4 teenboys walked by in red capes.  it was weird.  but i wanted one of them to go in the starbucks with my camera and take a couple of ninja pics.  however, we stumbled across some young negotiators because they had some strict demands.  they wanted to walk suzie across the road.  they said it was for some "scavenger hunt" but i just think they wanted to hold suzies hand because the capes have effectively prevented them from touching any human female in their lives and this was THEIR BIG CHANCE!  i could only imagine how sweaty their hands were.  gross.  ol' sweaty hands don don.

but our little caped ninja did a great job:

after about 10 minutes later, jeffron emerges eating a chocolate croissant.  he had a glazed look over his face and was legitimately frightened.  i asked what happened and he just responded with, "you didnt warn me enough about how nice and sweet she was!"

this apparently threw off his plan.  jeffron was ready to go in and make this girl feel so uncomfortable that it would have left her in a pool of shame and despair.  but the fact that michelle was so nice led to jeffron's vastly inappropriate motives to become suddenly thwarted by her charm.  take a look at the picture again and look at jeffron as he is like a deer frozen in front of some headlights.  a pair of classy headlights.

i knew that walking in, jeffrons head was filled with ideas that would make even the writers of 'KIDS' cringe but when he came out....he was a transformed man.  before jeffron could spit off the creepiest of the creepy, michelle's genuinely loving nature pierced his heart like a...like a....dammit YOUTUBES!!! ive been searching for that scene in royal tenenbaums with the pocket knife stabbing because its GREAT! but the internets have failed me.  well, at least you can imagine it...because thats how michelle's and jeffron's convo went.

jeffron panicked and all he thought of was to hold up the creme and yell across the store, "IS THIS 2%!!...IS THIS 2%!!!"  which is actually pretty great, and the dense jeffron is just as good as the jeffron the violator.  

apparently they got in a conversation about chocolate in which jeffron explained to michelle that hes never had chocolate before in his life.  michelle, making no judgments, gave him a free chocolate croissant.  wow.  so instead of her being creeped out, she ended up giving him free stuff.  ridiculous.

so we leave to go back to the nunnery.  jeffron just collecting himself in the backseat.  crying and eating his free croissant.  once we get back to the nunnery, the plan extended to jeffron hiding and waiting for michelle to get home.  he was going to come yell for me and tell me that HE WAS IN LOVE AND DIDNT CARE WHO KNEW!  so as michelle gets home, we tried to get her to tell us about a "creepy guy with a mushroom head" that paid her a visit but to no surprise, she didnt seem like anything was wrong.  that this wasnt "story worthy".  i guess this is just standard procedure in michelle-land.

as we were in the kitchen, jeffron comes through the front door and yelling for my attention.  he runs through the hall and makes the most incredible kitchen entrance ever while sliding on his socks like 15 feet screaming that he was in love!

mind you, the kitchen was FULL of people that jeffron had either just met that day or had never met yet.  he goes on and on about how sweet and beautiful michelle was and how he needs to see her again.  all the while, michelle was standing behind him with a bright red face.  then we all bust out laughing and the game was over.  it was goodtimes.  and im pretty sure that to this day, michelle doesnt think it was a joke but rather that jeffron is just "unique".

ok, after that we went bowling!!!!!1111onewon

jeffron, iain, suzie, luke, and i were in lukes car as we journeyed to the bowling alley.  we were having a gay ol time listening to tunes and laughing about adventures until a mini van pulled next to us...just staring into our car.  his window was down and was mouthing something.  we pulled to the red light and jeffron (who was riding shotgun) rolled down his window to ask was the deal was.  

random guy: "hows your fucking president!?"

jeffron:  "uhhh obamas doing well i guess"

random guy: "no no, the other one! he fucked everything up!!"

luke: "oh yeah, sorry about that"

then jeffron just smiled and rolled the window back up.  he was mouthing something while we just smiled.  super awkward.  but we realized that lukes car has a texas license plate sooo i guess that means that we are bush fans and/or bush's relatives.

WE ARRIVE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY!

we walk in. PUMPED AND READY TO PARTY!  when i notice something odd.  there were only 5 pins at the end of the lane.  and the bowlers were throwing a ball the size of a croquet ball.  interesting.  well apparently in canada, their bowling is for children only.  but we had an awesome time.  especially when the blacklights came on for ultimate psychedelic fun.  

here are pictures!

"yeah im going to touch you"

suzie slides on her knees for professional control!

i dont even need to look where i throw it.  i dont know what suz is doing.

CHAMPION!

couple things:

1) its baloney that jeffrons pictures show up bigger than mine.  BUT WHATEVER OVER IT!

2) you may have noticed the SICK THREADS that jeffron and i were wearing that night.  and yes, they are spirit animals.  here is a closer look:

i will tell you the story on how we attained those beautiful shirts later.  and obviously it happened before this party and i failed to write about that awesome day because i have no idea when things happened.  SO the next story will be BACK IN TIME!!!1111onewon or whatever, ill tell that story quick and then jump to the future again.  i have no idea.  MORE STORIES TO COME! thats what i want to say.  

AND WE ARE BACK!!

alright, well i had my last exam yesterday!! so i am done with term.  this means i can go back to eating cinnamon rolls and writing in my blog everyday.  well maybe not everyday but i can at least start on where i left off.....jeffron. 

few things:  

1) i was informed by a few "eye-witnesses" that my last post was inaccurate.  not in the content but in the timeline.  all that stuff i wrote about definitely didnt happen that first thursday night.  my short term memory is USELESS.  SO to correct this i will just leave out days/dates because obviously i have no real grasp of when anything happen.  ill just tell stories.

2) because i had to take a long break from the bloooggin', its going to be hard remembering all the adventure romance stories between jeffron and i.  but ill give it my best.  if i cant remember anything specific, ill just talk about thollander and i in a bathtub politiking.

3) im not going to write anything today because its lukes bday so we are going to party HARD.  no rules.  (mom2, ill make sure hes safe).

Jeffron the Immortal part 2

alright, LET THE STORIES BEGIN!!! however, there is one minor set back.....i may or may not be a little "slow".  this coupled with my horrible short term memory will make this little writing venture difficult.  but where did i leave off...

oh, we just crossed the border.  jeffron and i arrive in vancouver pretty late but go straight to the nunnery to a) party and b) give luke his car back.  we walk in as if we own the place because we are the ham jamz and to my surprise, liam, eva's once thought of as imaginary boyfriend has magically appeared in the kitchen to party HARD.  i immediately touch him.  eva whines.

there are many reasons why i love jeffron the immortal but one of them is that once there is a common connection (ie me) then all my friends (strangers to him) become immediate friends to where he is completely comfortable like a cat in any situation.  LET THE PARTY BEGIN! NO RULES! NO REGRETS!

and luckily for jeffron, this particular thursday night was special because we decided to play a group game!!! YAY GOODY!  usually, every thursday night is:

1) nomi and luke argue about something...sometimes its a solid discussion about doctrine but other times the argument is completely absurd because nomi will be defensive and argue ANYTHING ranging from singers to bodily chemicals...

subpoint to 1) real example:

luke: "hey nomi, i have more testosterone than you"

nomi: "uhhh that is BULLSHIT!!.....in ISRAEL, where im from by the way no biggie, jesus stayed at my house whatever, im over it, the woman are blah blah blahh"

and this continues for a while until either luke tries to hug nomi, michelle bakes cookies, or another argument starts up

2) watch the office

3) talk about how theres never anything good on tv after the office

4) watch a movie (a cartoon or comedy because everyone cant handle "emotional" movies now)

5) watch luke sit on nomi while she screams for her life

6) talk in the kitchen (this ranges from a quality group conversation to just a luke/nomi battle...but in all cases, im there to be the comic relieve so people wont start stabbing again)

so thats a usual night at the nunnery on a thursday.  BUT this thursday we decided to play a lovely family fun game called "telephone pictionary".

we had 9 people playing.  so here are the rules:

1) NO PANTS!!

ok here are the real rules of play:

1) each person has 9 (the same number as players) pieces of paper with them numbered

2) each person starts by writing a phrase on the paper...the more creative/funny/absurd the better

3) then you pass your whole stack with the phrase still on top to the next person (either left or right, it doesnt matter as long as everyone picks the same directions)

4) the next person sees the phrase and on the next piece of paper, they draw a representation of the phrase, then put the original phrase on the bottom of the stack

5) then you pass the stack again and the next person (without seeing the original phrase) writes a phrase of what they think the drawing is 

6) this pattern continues until it goes all the way around the table and back to the original. 

7) then you go through the entire stack and laugh laugh laugh at all the stupid things people said and drew yay goody!

these are easy instructions for the common 3rd grader....unless you are thollander, then you need to be explained after every round.  quite annoying for everyone except me...i thought it was hilarious.

then you clown EVERYONE!  it was great fun, and jeffron fit right in....creating delicious phrases and drawings.  i hadnt laughed that much in a long time.  the entire time i was playing, i was just wishing that cobra and party josh were there...their sick brains...i mean "creative imagination" would be a crucial asset to a game like this.

alright, well im going to end this post now because the next one will be quite extensive because it will be about my birthday adventures!!!!111onewon

if blogs had a trailer for the next episode this would be it:

EEEEEEEOooo michelle, go-girls, balls, blacklights, eva crying BOOM CITY YA YA YA YA!