George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 3

let's talk about bacon. now, this was no ordinary bacon. this was the type of bacon that probably knew truths about life...mainly in mathematics. dont ask me how! it was just special. something extraordinary. one person that was supposed to be present but was out of town was our semi-sweet friend nomi. she is what we like to call a non-jewish jew. let's get one thing straight....she isnt jewish....her parents arent jewish....but she did however grow up in israel so we can say that she is culturally jewish. one of these habits she adopted was not eating pork. theres no reason for this other than her cultural upbringing. so she doesnt eat pork...no big deal. i dont give her crap for not eating pork just like she doesnt give me crap for being straight edge. i mean, she is so respectful of my choice and the reason that i choose to be straight edge that i often send her handwritten thank you notes in the mail with hearts and pictures of me expression my gratitude. these expression range from a classy headshot to an interactive picture such as me hugging a puppy with printed off picture of nomi's face as a mask. SOoooOOoooOoooo cuuuute!!!111onewon.

anyways, all that chit chat was to say that this bacon would have won even NOMI's heart. she would have seen it and knew her no-pork run was over. the shine of the maple syrup beamed through the air like rays of delicious light as the aroma filled our noses. as we were about to dig into george's amazing breakfast, i looked up to see eva drooling, which is actually cleaning her face from the dinner the night prior. thollanders eyes were in the back of his skull as he hypnotically tried to eat the air. laura was rolling up her sleeves in preparation for the bacon grease overflow. anna was rubbing the extra bacon grease on george's bald head because thats what you do in marriage. paul was for some reason taking his clothes off. and lars.....lars? dammit lars! GET OUT OF THE HOT TUB! IT'S BREAKFAST TIME!!!

this was by far the best bacon ive ever had. perfectly cooked with a glaze of maple syrup and probably a bunch of other stuff that george used. black magic being one of them! the scrambled eggs were the perfect consistency with cheese and herbs. hashbrowns? YES PLEASE! we devoured this magnificent meal with no shame. fat bodies....healthy minds.

the afternoon was devoted to digesting the breakfast as well as playing darts and pool. which i rule at by the way. i beat EVERYONE....EVERY TIME! well except george at darts. but he's on a team....so he doesnt count! he's cheating. he couldnt play for long because he had to start cooking dinner. george was the hero of the weekend because of his cooking skills. it was ridiculous, i say!

the ham he prepared for dinner was incredible. i think what made the ham taste so delicious was its combo of spices, herbs, and human seasoning. "human seasoning?" the untrained chef asks. well because george is the king of multi-tasking....he decided to cook the hunk of ham in the hot tub with all of us in it.

this sound disgusting but take the word of everyone there.....IT WAS MAGICAL! the human broth hot tub was the secret ingredient in giving the ham the desired flavor. i can hear anna saying, "SSSSSICK!" as she reads this or more accurately, quickly skims this. sorry anna, no pictures this time. well how about this one. that should appease you.

dont judge us. nor george's unorthodox cooking methods. though seemingly disgusting, THEY PRODUCE RESULTS! and not the result i got from the doctor confirming my type-2 diabetes or the result of my american apparel model audition:

but POSITIVE results. wait, i cant say 'positive' because the diabetes test was a positive and the doctor was also positively sure that i ate one of the medical instruments when she was out of the room. YOU CANT PROVE ANYTHING. so i guess the results that george's cooking produces are.....

mathematically complete. by that, i mean they complete people. everyone is, whether they believe it or not, incomplete until they eat from george's kitchen. here is a documentary explaining this phenomenon.

sidenote: this clip is SO MUCH MORE RIDICULOUS when you realize that they are in a room full of people.

im done writing. making that picture took far too much time and effort. so, the weekend was amazing. feel good, look good, do good, eat good, laugh good. i am very thankful to have such amazing friends.

philosophical dinosaurs

christian historians/RV owners

mennonite inventors

crazy artists

pious drummers

loving feminists

sexy chefs

especially the ones that can cook....BECAUSE I LOVE TO EAT.

endnote: mom, i do NOT have diabetes. please dont think that i went to some canadian doctor who told me i had diabetes. dont send anymore articles about childhood obesity or proper eating habits. thank you. i love you.

I just Googled "the greatest moment of my life"

before i proceed to part 3 of 'George and the Magical Hot Tub', I'd like to share a little something i like to call: pure gold.

canada finally got 'streetview' on google maps and for those that don't know what 'streetview' is, it's similar to street cred but way better. this little internet device allows your to walk the streets (one big step down the middle of the road at a time) of your favorite cities and neighborhoods. it's quite helpful for a couple reasons:

1) showing your friends where your home is

2) showing your stubborn friends that there IS a dairy queen on broadway and trafalgar

3) fantasizing that you are godzilla who destroys cities with snail like speed but can only take out objects that are 3 feet from the street

so pretty much it's the greatest feature of google. theyre really doing it.

the reason it took so long for canada to get this feature is because when google gave them the choice of getting the streetview feature or drinking maple syrup for 3 years straight...well canada obviously chose the latter. google, when (not if) you read this, please promise me that next time you think of an incredible idea and need to offer it to a country, give them another option like "make your own milkshake" or "play in the ball pit at a local fastfood restaurant" JUST to see the look on their faces....and also see what they choose...

so iain and i were hanging out at the bus stop on 4th and trafalgar...looking so super cool when iain pointed and yelled: "LOOK! google car!"

as it passes us, making my family proud was the only thing on my mind. so my middle finger saluted the fruits of 21st century technology. granddad bennett, for one, would be shedding tears of joy as he witnessed his legacy live on. the year was 1969 and granddad bennett was in a middle finger tournament which was the most elite tourney of that time. competitors from all over the globe came to fight over the rigorous course of both physical and psychological extremes. after the 72 hours of battling, my granddad came out the victor. receiving the trophy that trumps all trophies. gold plated....with a wooden middle finger at the top signifying who truly is the master. well, a few years ago for christmas, my granddad passed this on to his successor. at the time i didnt think i was worthy but my granddad saw the needed potential.

for years the trophy sat on my shelf as i passed by it knowing i didnt deserve it....until yesterday. iain ran up to be with his laptop in hand and a smile that would destroy even the meanest of bullies. he showed me something. something magnificent. yesterday was when i became my full ethos. behold:

DESTINY!!

we did it, granddad. we did it.

p.s. the trophy really does exist and my granddad did win it in 1969 and passed it along to me....that part i DIDNT make up.

George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 2

ok, time is going by and my memory is fading so let's see how well i can keep up this story to the accuracy it deserves. the first night (friday) was very relaxing and everyone just settling in with nothing more to do other than stargazing and hot tubbin'. thollander and i took the cold basement because we were the only ones that would see that as an upgrade from our normal sleeping situation. everyone wins. lars slept in the hot tub and wasnt killed because of his superior method. saturday morning came around and i actually woke up fairly early in regards to graham time......i was up and walking around in the AMs. ate a delicious pop tart and drank some coffee as i stood outside admiring the river and morning breeze. the cool zephyr chilled my white thighs, which were exposed because my robe came undone, as the coffee soothed my insides.

the weekend was obviously on a great start. i cant speak for the others that stayed in the cabin saturday but laura, george and i went into town to shop for groceries. the plan was that laura was going to cook saturday night and george was going to cook everything else (sunday morning and sunday night). lunches were no rules...everyone on their own. i was in charge of making sure they chose the appropriate foods because i was the representative of the eating crew. however my main responsibilities were dedicated to the dessert realm because according to my blood sugar level, i was the expert.

we finally departed from the grocery store with the car packed of fresh goodies. im glad i was there for the process because george was obviously inspired by my presence when he chose the basketball sized ham as his main course for sunday nights dinner. sweeeeeet sweeeeet ham.

that night laura made an AWESOME lasagna. super fun dinner that followed the game of "crazy heads". well, i think thats what the game is called, i kinda forgot and instead of asking lars, im just going to guess. and yes, this is yet ANOTHER invention from lars. its really exciting having a real life inventor as a friend. im inspired to invent my own inventions such as: the natural pillow. this has probably been discovered before but im going to take the 'lars technique of attributing self credit to something pre-existing'. it all started when i was at the water fountain and in the corner of my eye, i saw susie approaching. at first i was struck with the irrational fear of her coming up and hitting the back of my head down to crush all my teeth on the metal spigot. but what really happened was probably just as crushing. as my head was recently buzzed, revealed the contour of my skull...she gently grabbed my head fat roll on the back of my noggin and said..."oh what is the scientific name for this fat roll?" NOOOOOOOOO!! is what i screamed inside but then i though, hey, i could use that as a pillow. BOOM! world inventor.

anyways, 'crazy heads' is the most ridiculous game ive ever played and im pretty sure we all lost 10% of our IQs for it. leaving the group still in the "intelligent" realm while i was finally bumped down to the level of smart dog. or mario lopez. the game is simple both in the rules of play and the intellect needed from the players. this game is all about speed. you pick a card from a deck of playing cards and without any noise or the use of your hands, you write out the number or letter with your.....wait for it.......HEAD!!111onewon. CRAZY HEADS! SO ZANY! CRAZY!! AAHHHHH!! LOSIN' MY MIND! well as inane as it sounds, it was actually really fun. especially when everyone became crazy and competitive. we really got into it....which is hilarious to think of us getting "serious" about crazy heads. we should really be ashamed of ourselves. good thing we had a hot tub there to loosin' up the neck muscles.

throughout the entire weekend, we played darts and pool. now this was great. because i love sports, yes i said sports, where i dont have to run around and/or get hit with a ball. and believe it or not...im pretty much a shark in both areas of pub games. george pretty much destroyed everyone in darts....for very good reason. george, a sexy young man of 33, has just become a member of a darts team. this is definitely something to brag about because george can say that he is the youngest member EVER at the LEGION! i dont know what kind of lottery george won but he got the "in" at LEEEEEEGION! an exclusive lounge for the elderly...mainly retired vets. i have yet to join him but word on the street is that rumors of my dart skills have spread like a buffet table at the LEGION and they are looking for younger chaps so that the average age of the team goes from 103 to 94. im always willing to help out. especially when it gives me two boy scout merit badges.....two birds with one stone!

"wouldnt you get 3 merit badges for this event?" asks the guy whose brain is made of used espresso cakes. NO! ill only get 'darts' and 'aide to the elderly'.....i earned my 'buffet' badge LONG AGO when i was a new born and stole all my moms hospital food. it wasnt technically a buffet but the officials in the boy scout world were nonetheless impressed with my speed and agility...especially with such tiny hands.

oh, i found a picture of george and the LEEEEGION MEN!!!

they look great.

theres a short waiting list...because the LEGION is a "one out, one in" kind of place. but its the true 'one out, one in' kinda policy because it deals with life and death.

i really did it with that whole 'legion rant'....a little off topic. whatever. what else happened at the cabin?

there will be a part 3 that is dedicated to bacon...