My Private Journal is getting good reviews

"Graham Flanagan Bennett is a rising literary star.  Relevant, authentic, emergent, and edgy, Bennett's prose sings in a key all its own.  You'll laugh.  You'll cry.  You'll laugh again, and probably snort milk out of your nose.  Graham's Private Journal is the one place in the blogosphere where margarine and love make peace on the page.  Whatever you do, don't miss the Graham Train!!!!1111oneoneonewon" - Jeanne Damoff, author of Parting the Waters: Finding Beauty in Brokenness

Exams

i have been more or less AWOL due to the amount of school work that has been "dealt with" this past couple weeks.  its almost 8pm on thursday night and i have my last exam tomorrow at 1pm.  i dont feel like studying very much tonight because my brain is dead and i just finished my 70th donut in 48 hours.  every ounce of energy that my feeble fat body produces goes straight to my brain so ive lost all sense of simple bodily functions and normalcy.  to be honest, i just erased my last word and replaced it with 'normalcy'.  my original word was going to be 'regularities' which might spark some particular issues/images in what that word entails.  so i opted out of it because i didnt want all my galfriends asking questions like if i was "irregular" or even out of the "Forever Living On as Women in Synchronization" or F.L.O.W.S for short.

now before you berate me of my quote on quote inappropriate claims of women synchronizing....please understand that a) ITS TRUE!!! i think....but thats what i hear and b) im pretty much out of my mind now soooo deal with it.  ok, maybe its inappropriate for a male to talk about that sort of "lady issue" but whatever, that F.L.O.W.S thing was funny and "cute and clever". 

i have to quote "cute and clever" out of respects to karibbean's little brother because when he was about 9 years old, his class was learning vocabulary and one of the words was 'vile'.  and this conversation occurred later that day:

girl (probably a mean one):  "hey zach, you are vile"

zach:  "if by vile, you mean cute and clever, then yes, yes i am vile"

BOOM! he rules

i have noticed that exam week brings out the best and worst out of people and sometimes both.  ill give you my exam schedule so you get a feel for what my week was like:

wednesday 1pm - old testament foundations

thursday 2:30pm - christian thought and culture

friday 1pm - hebrew

for the past two weeks have been studying/reading HARD.  there really has been no time to fury dance at night so all the macdonalds and tim hortons have all got to OMG my ass.  apparently no one told me that hours in the library do NOT equal hours in the gym.  this was news to me and let me tell you....ive paid the price.  the price of PREPPING MYSELF FOR ULTIMATE NORTH CAROLINA GLUTTONFESTS!!!  darius....prepare pretzel town...the mayor is coming back.

this has been a reoccurring theme:  me interrupting myself with NC excitement.  I. AM. TITILLATED!

ok, back to the best and worst of people.

today my good friend luke exemplified both of these all in one day.  i saw that exam week has affected him positively but also has made him lose his mind and make 'uncommon' decisions.  i say 'uncommon' because i tend to make irrational choices and love abnormality so its really not up to me to condemn an action that the common person would find "strange"

so as it were, luke is in a full suit..charcoal 3 button suit, off white shirt (with cufflinks, not classless buttons) and a purple tie (thick, modern, sleek).  some might think this was normal and maybe even sub-par but you really need to know that luke usually looks like a mix between this guy and this guy.  and also, he never really dresses up, so to see him looking premium and ready for a GQ photo shoot (pre underwear photo shoot) is a pleasant delight and a rare of male sunshine in the cloudy days.  

now then comes the worst...

20 minutes before the CTC exam starts today i ask him if he was ready.  he said, "yes" and continued walking along....away from class...

"where are you going", i asked (as if we DIDNT have a final exam in 20 minutes!)

as luke turns to me with an expression of total serenity and confidence he promptly responds, 

"im going to get a martini"

"oh"

but hey, i cheese toast with sugar...so whatever floats your boat, right?

one thing that i did want to happen was the following:

luke ordering a martini, realizing that he wouldnt be able to finish it (in an enjoyable) time and asking the bartender for a to-go cup... then taking the exam in a full suit, styrofoam martini class, montblanc pin, and yelling snooty and snide remarks the entire exam.   such as:

"you call this (italics 'this' to show target of sarcastic tone) an exam?!? its more like finding out that you are more upset by spilling rare merlot on your italian suit pant1 than discovering your wife's affair with the co-founder of a multi-billion dollar company, am i right!?!?"

"oh yeah, co-founder....of a multi-billion dollar company.....right? purchase happiness? thank you please!"

no one understands those type of remarks but still, two types of laughter arises in response.  one) pity laughter because they just feel sad for the guy and 2) genuine laughter (not for the incomprehensible remarks, but rather because his forehead vein swims through his hair plugs like a champion dog through the weave poles)

the exam went well i think.  we had to HANDwrite, i repeat HANDwrite and essay.....what are we? CAVEMEN? this is ridiculous.  i demand some sort of gift/cookie/anything to ease the pain of writing with my own pencil instead of typing like a real American.  as i was proofreading (yes, i do that now, grad school baby), i realize how AWFUL my handwriting is.  i mean, not only does is it not legible, but it just looks stupid.  my tutorial professor's handwriting on the other hand, is how do you say in english, totally sexy fun awesome times.  i got my research paper back and flipped back to read the comments (gotta B+ whatever im over it, suck it early scholasticism!) and to my delight was the COOLEST handwriting ever! well, maybe not ever, but it was really awesome.  aesthetically, it was awesome.  however it took a good 2 minutes for me to read the first word...which was INTERESTING!!!  yeah, he thought i wrote an interesting paper, again, whatever, im over it.

so i feel sorry for the TAs that grade the CTC exams because it will take them forever to read mine...probably leading them to get pissed and giving me a B (because my last name starts with a B wink wink and i like bologna)

do i?

______________________________________

future conversation with my editor:

dakota: "hey graham, you put 70th donut....did you mean 7th donut?"

me: "no"

north carolina -> four days.  get ready.

_____________________________________________________

1 - it is a singular pant because it is one article of clothing.  not pants.  "but there are two legs" so what, there are two arms to my shirt but its still a shirt not shirts

Excuse me, I'm going to have to speak to Tim Horton!

as i'm walking up 19th ave towards dunbar st. i get the sudden urge to sing while i walk.  at the moment, pedro the lion's song, I DO, is playing in my ears (via ipod woot).  the song is great and i am only hoping someone is listening.  look up the lyrics please.  

where am i going?  oh, well its 9pm and i havent eaten dinner yet so with a pocket full of quarters, im walking towards tim hortons.  as im envisioning the turkey bacon club combo, my mouth begins to water and my body turns into a ravenous lion as if to prey on an unsuspecting zebra.  

in reality this means: i start drooling on myself and rubbing my belly as tim hortons (who has been pre-warned to prep the store by padding the corners and evacuating the women and children) is more than expecting me.

i walk in ready to party when i notice a line....bummer.

then i notice a hefty man at the register who is having some "serious issues" about his bill.

man - "whoa whoa wait, how is this 13.88!!???"

clerk - "well, its 13.22 sir"

man - "whatever! i got 2 combos! 4.10 plus 4.10, and how is that 13.88!!??"

man - "just give me the receipt....ill call the store and fix it myself!"

clerk - "this new receipt or the original one"

man - "THE ONE THAT THERE DAMMIT WHATEVER COME ON THERE THAT RECEIPT 13.88"

man - "the receipt with the 2 combos!............ oh and i got a ice capp................oh yeah, and i got this....." (so i think he finally understood where is 13.22 came from but was too far into it to quite)

clerk - just staring at him at this moment

guy in line - "hahahaha"

man - looking at guy in line as if they were on the same team and giving him the look like, "yeah, do you believe this clerk, this is ridiculous, we should hang out sometime and take steroids"

guy in line - "oh no, im not laughing at her....im laughing at you!" (pointing at man for ultimate clownage)

me - "HAHAHAHAHA YES!"

man - now looks at me

me - "oh, dont worry, im just laughing at what he (guy in line) said

FINALLY!!

i get too order and i get the turkey bacon club combo (as stated before)

turkey bacon club sub (with honey mustard....screw you eva, its delicious!)

choice of donut......canadian maple this time, yes please pipers

can of pepsi.......pepsi really just isnt as good as COCA-COLA CLASSIC 

i needed this fuel for exams are coming up and im kinda worried.  there is so much information that my brain is about to explode.  so i am off to continue my millions and millions of pages of readings of the books