The Wax Mistake, continued

so there i was, standing in the nunnery kitchen with a back that would make a baby say, "damn i need to shave my behind". i was smiling more because the pain was over. my skin was rosy red and starting to inflame. of course the blood was still squirting because every open pore was like a busted door in the jail cell of grahamskin prison. ESCAPE!

i thought i was done. no problem here. then nomi looked at me and said, "well now its weird because your back is bald and your chest is full"

then the discussion of waxing my chest was hot on everyone's minds. except mine of course. no no no no no nono noooooo i pleaded but they kept arguing for it. eva and nomi were CERTAIN that if they just wax off the top corners then it wold look so much better. i, knowing the ways of the chest hairs, KNEW this was a bad idea. the idea of a unnatural line across the top of the chest hair was the worst idea ever. because it would look so out of place. people would see it and say, "well i know thats not natural, did he wax only part of it....to try to shape it? what a freak!"

however, they wouldnt budge on their foolish idea and insisted i was wrong. "it would look so much better if those top corners were gone..." thollander decides to chime in by siding with the idiot ladies.

"COME ON! THOLLANDER! you know damn well that this is a horrible idea!" i yelled

"oh yeah, most definitely" he replied

i hate thollander because all he wants is misery in my life. nomi and eva were just foolish but thollander knew better!

finally i cracked and decided to let them wax the top corners so they would KNOW that they were wrong and i was right. and they would finally see how STUPID it was going to look. nomi was giddy as she was nuking the lava wax. hated life i did.

as she applied the liquid death to my chest, any sort of endorphins that were running through my adrenaline filled body were exhausted during the back episode. the pain was so much worse. she ripped away. stood back. and busted out laughing because of how dumb it looked. OF COURSE IT LOOKS DUMB! i called it. i would love to say i won this argument but i feel i lost since chest hairs were ripped from my body.

i wanted to leave it. i was done. this was so stupid.

but nomi's peer pressure kicked in again and at this point, i wasnt thinking clearly at all. i was a mess. im pretty sure she had in mind that she was going to take on my whole chest inch by inch.

"theres that little part in the middle that pops out above your shirt, let me get that at least.."

fine. whatever. dammit.

she ripped throat.

everyone is laughing at this point as i go to the mirror to assess the situation. was it halloween? my chest looked like a hideous heart. this asymmetrical line that ran across the top of my chest signified the level of hatred i had in my body. when people say, "ive had it up to here!" they have to make some indicator with their hand but this is never an accurate portrayal. i, on the other hand, had a distinct line that you could see.

coincidentally, it was the same level of dignity that id lost.

this looked horrible. i had to think quickly for a way to redeem this tragedy. uhh, lets make it into a joke! we need to make it look horrible so people know its a joke rather than onlookers trying to figure out what the hell i was doing because NO ONE shapes their chest hair!

i act as if i walk around with my shirt popped off all the time and this would be a serious problem BUT nonetheless, if i find myself at the beach soon, then i want to be prepared to impress all the beach babes that have augustinian metaphysics.

in my stupor, i threw out the suggestion of taking away my sternum! TAKE IT AWAY! whatever, we needed to make it look obvious that it was not serious! ANYTHING! nomi's vietnamese hands (she isnt vietnamese, she just has vietnamese hands....apparently...ask her) stoked my zaftig chest with hot dripping wax. my sternum was covered. the density of the sternum forest was impressive....one could get lost in there....dreams fulfilled.

she grabbed the waxing strip and yanked upwards to the sky. now, my back was a bleeder but my chest apparently is hemophiliac. wow, it seemed like every single pore was ready to BLEED! and bled it did. it was miserable. and to make things worse, my sternum forest was apparently quite resilient like my phoenix wings. because nomi had to go over that spot at least 4 times. great.

we got done and took a look at the "progress". it was horrible. i had two perfect square patches of hair on each titte brother. although the "joke" was the objective, it seemed like attaining it wasnt satisfactory. i looked/felt like an idiot. thollander was quite pleased with this new look of mine.

the parts of my chest that were waxed were already WAY WORSE than my back and honest, my tattoo was less painful than this. i really didnt expect there to be so much blood stowed away behind the skin of my chest. i already knew my pectorals werent muscle but i just assumed the cavity was filled with some sort of semi-solid carbohydrate, not blood. but i guess im learning something new everyday.

so im standing in the kitchen with nomi, eva, and matt around me laughing at me. i really wish someone could see in the window because they would have seen what looked like a shirtless rhinoceros standing in the middle of a laughing parade. clearly being mocked for its rotund figure.....and of course its abnormal hair growth.

after several HOURS(minutes) of debating...we finally decided to just go ahead and take the rest of the chest off. i was really reluctant but gave in to the three's recommendation. i sat down and nomi proceeded to heat up the wax once again.

she painstakingly worked her way down my chest. loving every minute of it. and by "painstakingly" i mean, she was working hard and i was receiving all the pain. she approached the hair around my nipplez and was delicately working her way around my nipple as to avoid the potential of a nipple removal. i have to hand it to my chest...it LOVED its hairs. it fought good and hard to keep the hairs but after the 3-4 times nomi had to go over the same spots, the chest would cry blood for each hair. EACH HAIR.

nomi was getting impatient with the need for a tedious nipple application so i just saw her stare at my nipple, touch the outside of it with the wax application strip, hesitate, and then just smear a big glop of wax across my nipple. well clearly she didnt want to bother with it anymore. luckily it wasnt ripped off. because, you know, as a guy, i really need those and all.

so the event was finally in its closing and i felt great. "great" means "waves of shame" in this context. i hate my life.

this was a few weeks ago and my back is still covered in red bumps. awesome.