NC Summer '09 part 1

so im sitting in a coffee shop. typical. however, get ready for the change up....im in a coffee shop in NORTH CAROLINA. raleigh to specific. helios....a coffee shop that i used to stomp when i lived in raleigh. i arrived, said hey and hugged my friend cameron who was working and proceeded to get an iced chai and a carrot cake cupcake for FREE! i figure this is a good time to start writing about my adventures in NC. i arrived about 2 weeks ago. so i have lots to say which means that its going to be a quick overview since ive forgotten everything. useless brain.

soooo for those that know, know that i was on some sort of track towards reaching the ever-so-desired goal of a summer bod. i was sorta working out with iain and thollander and sorta eating healthy. i stress the 'sorta' because i have been putting 'eating cinnamon rolls' in both of those summer bod categories. laugh all you want haters, but eating cinnamon rolls is HARD WORK! especially if the cinnamon roll is attached to the back of a grizzly bear's neck. fear = weight loss

regardless of any twisted summer bod track, my decision to visit north carolina was a disgusting surrender of self respect. when i stepped off the plane, the southern humidity, that engulfed my body, made the chore of salivating part of the past. my mouth opened with no remorse as i shoved any deep fried thing within arms length in my mouth. long story short: i have gained weight since ive been back.

evidence: i recently lost half of my suit in a traveling disaster to the dry cleaners. again, long story short: there is a bus driver in vancouver who is wearing premium suit pants. anyways, because of this i had to purchase a sexy euro cut suit. i bought it in vancouver a week before i left for north carolina and if fit perfectly. however, at the wedding i went to last weekend....the pant pockets were rendered useless as my muffin top hung over and down to my knees. breathing was not an option.

i have been to two wedding thus far and i also had to unfortunately miss one because there were two scheduled on the same day. the first wedding was located in hendersonville, nc....a small mountain town.

so i wrote that first part a couple weeks ago in raleigh, nc. now i am in vancouver AND not only that, i turned in my papers yesterday so i have SOME free time to a) sleep b) party c) dream about partying d) write in the blog. what about eating? oh, well that goes without saying....every possible free time activity will ALWAYS be coupled with eating. does anyone think about eating humans? no? ok, well whatever.

so where was i....oh, hendersonville, nc. the bride and groom were from this quaint little town and we just had a lovely dovely bubbly time there. the highlight of trip, no offense to the bride/groom, was our little visit in a particularly creative custom t-shirt shop. though the wedding was amazing and i had TONS of fun.....this t-shirt store had the "x-factor". it gave me butterflies in my stomach, my face was sore from smiling, and my whole body was tingling from the essence of this place of commerce. granted, darius' heavy breathing on the back of my neck may have added to the sensation but nonetheless, this store was special. and by 'special', i mean, state fair quality.

three dominate shirt themes were: god, alcohol, and patriotism. and sometimes (somehow) all three were having a little tea party on one shirt. one of my favorite poetic shirt employed alliteration in communicating the message of the shirt: "god, guns, and girls: what else does a guy need?"

my answer: class.

however, im pretty sure there was sign on the front door that said, "leave you fuckin' class at the door!" so i guess the shirt was in the clear according to the set standards.

darius and i witness the most hilarious and sad exchange ever. a large american male, and by large i mean, large by american standards. instead of the simple "yes" to the question, "would you like to supersize that?", this man's response would be "hell yeah, and ill take another for the road"

so this man was walking with a shirt that he painstakingly picked out that was an irish themed XXXL that read: "LET'S GET READY TO STUMBLE!?" while strutting through the store to show off his wise choice, another toothless male walked by and said, "ohh nice shirt man!". the large man acknowledged the well deserved compliment and continued on his path. then he provided an audible declaration to himself, and no one else. "i LOVE alcohol!" darius and i watched as this self affirmation occurred and were completely amiss as this man chose to vocally express what a simple inner monologue would have achieved.

after this lovely experience, i walked into the back section of the store. there were....paintings? weird, but i decided to take a gander knowing i would probably run into a portrait of either jesus or robert e lee. ohhhhhh whats this!? my eyes lock on one particular canvas that had more vibrant colors on it than an american apparel shop. is that a white man riding a horse with a sword coming out of his mouth? YES! IVE STUMBLED UPON THE SECOND COMING DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF REVELATION!!!! mind you, that 'stumble' was not a reference to that large male's shirt in the previous paragraph. i didnt know i was able to feel the same sensation for another painting as i did with darius the free but this painting was absolutely unbelievable. feast your eyes on this bad boy:

view larger size here

bonus: the owner of the store was the one that painted it. to this day, i regret not buying it. i really blew it on this one.

some special features of this painting:

1) the anger steam coming out of the horse's nostrils

2) heaven is a constant game of jacks under a rainbow

3) jesus opts for golden cowboy boots for apocalyptic adventures

4) is a that a double-sided lightsabre?

5) im pretty sure jesus has cancer if the playground myth of "if your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer" is true. however, jesus, being all-knowing, wouldnt get tricked into getting hit in the face by his own hand.....so nice try childhood bullies!