My Brother's Wedding: Vietnamese for a day

i am so far behind in my adventure/suspense thriller/informative/life writing because (ill give you a multiple choice question in order to find out my whereabouts):

is it....

a) ive been on so many awesome adventures 

b) ive started summer school 

c) im playing a few 'extras' in a play at pacific theater

d) im too busy running/exercising/not eating cinnamon rolls to write

e) all of the above

f) all of the above except for d

g) all of the above except for d, BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

(hint: im eating a cinnamon roll as we speak)

answer:  g

ok, i know you are thinking...."hey graham, you big goof, answers f and g are the same".   well you would be kinda right in life but totally wrong in multiple choice.  i, in my head, asked you to answer the "best" possible answer even if more than one are right.  so you failed.  unless you answered g, then you win.  you win nothing though, sorry.  look, i dont know why you are yelling at me right now, it was just a stupid question to inform you where i have been and why my writing hasnt been as frequent.  ohhhhhh ok, there it is! i cant believe you just brought that up! IM NOT A MACHINE!!!!! ok, lets just get in the bathtub and cool off......for realz......I SAID IM SORRY!!!!! (no i didnt) 

the end.

ok not reallly.  

a few weekends ago i went to santa rosa, california to partake in the wedding of my older (and only) brother.  this weekend was a unique one.  a lot of "firsts" for mr. graham.  i was supposed to leave vancouver at 5:15am via quickshuttle at an obscure bus stop that was too far to walk and too early to catch another bus to.  so luke, the generous one, decided he would drive me to the bus stop at 5am.

thursday morning came and i wake up to luke frantically yelling my name.  it was 6:15am.  my alarm didnt go off.  shit.  i figured out that when i was tired and setting my alarm the night prior, i accidently set it to the PM.  what an idiot.  

im freaking out because my flight flies out of seattle and not vancouver.  why did i do that? SHUT UP.  well its just cheaper.  the imaginary border in the sky increases the price up all willy nilly like. 

like i said, luke, the generous one (i really cant emphasis this enough) decides to drive me all the way to seattle.  on the way down, we eat mcdonalds breakfast which i havent done in forever AND to top things off, the mcdonalds in the states (im talking the ones that exist right outside the border, not the south) have sweet tea now!! AND ITS SOMEWHAT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

then we continued to blaze through seattle like two bandits on the run from johnny law!  it was exhilarating until johnny law caught up.   a particularly zaftig police constable standing beside his official police equipped motorcycle pointed at us and flashed his lights from the side of the highway.  we were confused nonetheless but decided to pull over in the slight chance that he in fact wanted to "speak kind words" to us.  he thought he was sooooooooo great.  and in his "kindness" decided to give us a $93.00 ticket for going 65 in a 60.  the only redeeming part was that he started a sentence with: "and if i see you in these parts again...."

i didnt catch the end because everything fell silent when i saw the actual ticket and it did in fact say $93.00 for a 65 in a 60.

what the hell?

then we realized it was april 30th so at the end of the month the copperheads hand tickets out as if they were a flier for a crappy local ska band.  

we get to the seattle airport with plenty of time to spare and i arrived in santa rosa safe and sound.  a shuttle came to pick me up and i spent the next 7 hours either watching tv in the hotel room, reading, surfing the internets in the hotel lobby, or making friends at the hotel bar while eating the most expensive burger and watching the NBAs.  have you ever heard of the NBAs?  well its were these giants play basketball with what looks likes a tennis ball made to look like a basketball.  the video must have been in fast forward because these giants were so fast.  it was wild.  we yelled at the television.

finally, the rest of my family arrived that night and was a once again reconciled with my mom, dad, and sister.  it was the good times.  we visited for a bit but were all pretty tired so we hit the hay pretty quick.  i was actually pissed off that the beds were made of hay at this "fancy" hotel we were staying at.

i woke up friday to the most annoying telephone ring in the world as my mother was trying to "rally the troops" to meet for brunch....steve (my own damn brother) was meeting us.  along with steve, lynh, his fiance, was coming as well.  i was going to meet my future sister-in-law for the first time.  yeah thats right....the first time.

lynh is from vietnam.  the way steve and lynh got together is very interesting and totally rad.  kudos to him because i dont think i could pull it off.  so here is the summary of their dating adventure:

steve: california

lynh: vietnam

men and suu: lynh's aunt and uncle in california who are friends with steve

one day men says, "hey steve, do you want to meet my niece?"

steve responds, "sure"

so men gives him her email and steve and lynh start emailing back and forth.  this is about 3 years ago or something.  the communication progressed to more and more emails and then to phone calls etc etc.  they exchanged pictures of each other but had yet to meet in person.  so this relationship was based upon pure communication alone.  pretty rad.

flash forward to two thanksgivings ago.  steve is going to vietnam with men and suu to meet lynh for the first time.  crazy.  he told me that if everything is the way it is while he was there, theres no reason why he shouldnt get engaged.  so they did.  we got to see pictures and a video of the event.

event? why was there an event for just an engagement?  well thats because we are so used to the american engagements which are private and full of rose petals.  the only "public event" would be the newly engaged couple calling everyone they know (or now, just updating their facebook status or twitter)

however, in vietnam.....engagements are a huge deal.  and such a huge deal that when martha and i saw the pictures and video, we looked at each other and said in unison, "i think steve is already married"

to this day we have no idea.  martha likes to joke that he was vietnam married and not american married.  regardless of any sort of marriage status he created in vietnam, i know my mom would not allow a wedding ceremony to occur without her being there.....THUS we had a wedding in california.  so either steve had one magnificent engagement ceremony and one wedding OR he had two straight up weddings.....ohhhh the mysteries of life tickle me.

flash forward to me reading an email from my mom after she reads this post:

"graham, steve did NOT get married in vietnam, he only had ONE wedding with his MOTHER there.  love, mom    p.s. i saw a girl today, i think you should ask her out....im so desperate for you to have a wife,  you disappoint me."

anyways, after steve went over there to get engarried (yeah thats engaged and married combined) lynh had to wait like a million years for the stupid green card to come through.  so steve had to wait a long time in california for his wifiance (yeah thats wife and fiance combined, whatever im over it, you get the idea)

SO FINALLY!!! WE HAD WEDDING TIME

wait no, before that.  this is still friday im talking about...the brunch thingy.  well thats not too much to say.  i met lynh for the first time and it was a lot of fun.  she is a vietnamese babedog with premium AZN fashion.  she is 26? martha, correct me on this.  i hate being late on my blogs because i cant remember everything.  

i DO remember my dad getting really defensive when we were recounting the story when our dog shorty ate a stuffed quail.  i wasnt there because of my whole canada situation but i heard through the grape vine (internets) that roy, my sisters dog, started to chew on a stuffed quail that my dad had.  then shorty, the elder dog, came in and ate the entire bird...then threw it up bc it was mainly styrofoam.  dumb dog.  well allegedly, my dad came in, saw the mess and flipped out because shorty has never done anything like this.  (i blame shorty's misbehavior on roy's immature lifestyle which is a direct correlation of the poor training skills of the owners)

well according to eye witnesses (my sister and mom), my dad started yelling obscenities and expressing deep disappointment as if shorty was a beloved friend or even child.  examples that martha reiterated in a perfect "mad dad" impression:

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH   I CANT BELIEVE THIS! YOURE A BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!!........ I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT!"

and then he ignored the dog for a while.  so while martha, mom, and i were laughing about this, my dad started to get all buggaboo.  super defensive for absolutely no reason and denying any sort of overreaction in his melodramatic response to shorty's ill choice of devouring the stuffed bird.  ohhhh and this just made his situation even worse when martha and i pressed the issue so much more and employing hyperbolic devices in reanimating the particular scene.  "NO I DIDNT DAMMIT!" yelled father as i, who wasnt even there, insisted.  it was great.  glad to be with the family again.

friday night dinner highlight:

my brother's friend who my parents just met that day talked about the "dutch oven".....incredible.  my parents had no idea which was even better.

the wedding:

was beautiful AND awesome because it was half in english and half in vietnamese.  it was the first vietnamese catholic wedding id ever been to.  the only sucky thing was that it was raining the entire weekend. 

the post-wedding lunch:

after the wedding, everyone and by everyone i mean the entire vietnamese community in santa rosa and then the handful of white people that consisted of me, martha, mom, dad, steve, and a few of steves friends.  IT. WAS. AWESOME.  though i was part of the wedding, i felt like a spectator the entire time because everything was different.  it was so cool to experience another culture's wedding festivities and it only got better and better as the day went on.

like i said, after the wedding, everyone went to men and suu's for a lunch.  now, this wasnt the reception....this was something between the wedding and reception because the reception is a dinner and the wedding was in the morning.  so i thought this was going to be small and just kind of a hang out. false. there was a huge spread and a pig walking around just talking out loud..."ohhh please eat me....you can pull bacon off my back.....meat just faaaalls off my body.....oh and dont mind my eyes, they are little tomatoes!"

tons of food, all the good times.  after we filled out bellies with various vietnamese delicacies, we departed to the hotel for some rest and relaxation before the reception.

hotel rest and relaxation:

martha and i wanted to have some premium brother/sister time and to maximize our fun.  so we decided to annoy a handful of our friends from the north carolinas with facebook videos.  im so happy that facebook has the option of recording a video on someone's wall instead of merely typing your message of information/appreciation/or criticism.  i wish i could link the videos to my blog, but i cant. SO please feel free to say to yourself, "oh, i guess you had to be there".  and then walk up to a mirror and give yourself the finger.  

reception:

the reception is the best part of this vietnamese vacation.  it was at a chinese restaurant at the mall.  incredible.  martha and i really hoped that we were taking over the food court but the restaurant was a legit restaurant that just so happened to be connected to the mall.  bummer.  

we had the entire thing booked out and to my sweet sweet pleasure, i notice a karaoke machine in the corner.  jackpot.

all the receptions ive been to have been buffet style and then you dance and party.  nothing formal or structured.  in the vietnamese culture, they have a sit down 9 course dinner for the reception.  by the way, whenever i say, "in the vietnamese culture" i sound like an awful tour guide or something who is sporting a fanny pack full of jellybeans.

anyways, the food was absolutely incredible and NEVER stopped so my body was full of chinese awesomeness and i was about to explode.  the MC of the reception led games, mainly trivia about the bride and groom, and i realized how little i knew about my brother.  i didnt know his height, weight, favorite food, most feared animal, or anything!!!

for favorite food i yelled out "AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER" while suu, lynh's uncle, kept yelling "LYNH!" which made everyone laugh and my mom confused. 

most of the vietnamese community that was at the reception were older so i was wondering if the karaoke was going to be popular or not.  i was unsure of the enthusiasm from the vietnamese elders to this "playful singing machine"

i was dead wrong.  once that thing turned on, every person got up to party.  group after group got up to sing ridiculously insane vietnamese songs that sounded like a cross between the 80's, techno, and hiphop.  it was awesome.  my jaw open and i was just taking in the glory the entire time.

martha, steves friend, and i sang "lean on me" whatever, we're over it.  we were pretty professional.  and by "we were pretty professional" i mean that steve forced us to be professional.  while we were looking through the karaoke book to pick a song, he came up to us and exclaimed that we could NOT make fun of this and be "funny".  ive never seen him this serious before while he was explaining that this karaoke business is NO JOKE in the vietnamese community and we COULD NOT disrespect anyone.  needless to say, we were frightened by his request.

sooooo we sang like we were good.  but i was confused because how do you make karaoke NOT funny?  ohhhh the mysteries tickled me once again.

a nice little highlight for me was whenever i saw my mom and a small asian child, all i thought of was:

"oh, look at lucille bluth and annyong"

and if any of you dont get that joke then you should stop whatever you are doing and watch every single Arrested Development episode.  you should be ashamed of yourself!

well, my mom looks like lucille bluth and because im american, every asian child looks like every asian child.  

ok.  this post is long.  sorry. ill stop.  

bottom line: go to asian weddings. the end.