Saturday, April 25, 2009

Jeffron the Immortal part 4

so im on to part 4 of the jeffron chronicles.  before i write about jeffron and my adventures from last month....let me share two things that made me enjoy life:

1) last night a huge group of us met at the pub to watch a veeerrrrrry important aussie rules futbol game.  now, for those that know me, know that i dont really "follow" sports very closely (mainly because i dont want to associate myself with anything strenuous) but this fine little australian sport its awesome.  buff dudes + short shorts = TOTZ HAWT OMG!!!1111onewon

anyways, after the game, iain, suzie and i were walking up the street to go home.  while we were walking and enjoyed each other's company, a car of human bros drives by with a butterbean looking fat man sticking his head out of the window and yells the most articulate and clear drive-by clowning EVER!

"NICE GREEN JACKET, PENIS FACE!!!!"

immediately the three of us laughed and were so excited about the man's audacity.  i loved it.  i was so glad that it happened.  but then there was a discrepancy.  i was wearing my dark green hoodie and iain was also wearing a green hoodie.  his however was a brighter green and it was in a checkered pattern.  AND is a hoodie considered a jacket?  suzie concluded that it was in fact iain who the drunk men were "hollering" at.  im pretty sure she based this conclusion on the fact that iain's face looks like a penis.  now if these men yelled "nice green jacket, bag of mayonnaise face!" then we would know exactly who they were talking about.

i just realized that when describing the mystery drive-by man as butterbean, my "lovely" friends from raleigh, nc will leave comments such as:

"ohhh graham...instead of butterbean, you should have just said that the mystery drive-by man looked like a skinnier version of you huh huh uh u huh huh" - caleb 'cobra' gillan

or 

"im pretty sure you have diabetes because of all the late night cake intake...you arent going to fit into the tux for your brothers wedding next weekend" - mom

"no janice, its called a 'tuck'..." - dad



2) today was apparently girls day out because me and the gals from the nunnery decided to do a little art crawl.  there were open "studios" (i quote that for a reason, you will find out why later) throughout the neighborhood so that local artists could show off all their stuff.  it was really cool and the day was perfect for walking around and browsing through people's "studios"

our first stop was at an apartment building...ok...i guess this is it.  downstairs, we ring the room and an old lady's voice peeps through intercom.  i ask her if this was part of the art thing.  her old throat barely produces a "yes" and we were buzzed in.  i swear, i wouldnt have been surprised if she was dead by the time we made it up to her apartment.

we walk in and realize that by "studios" they (they being the brochure) mean people's actual homes.  this is going to be great.

eva, whos attention span is the size of a half eaten raisin, was immediately whining like the babby she is about how this art crawl was a crock of shit.  all the while nomi is in the back asking if the next studio was a restaurant instead.

the walk was really cool AND the next two studios a) were actual studios and b) served tasty treats

one memorable house was this older lady who ended up talking to me about cell phones for like 20 minutes.  i was about to kill myself but she just kept going and going and going about what she was looking for in a cell phone, all the ones that have failed her and how her current one wasnt "doing it for her".

it kinda sounded like she was giving her her whole life story about all the men in her life but no.....just cellphones.

the entire time, im just smiling and nodding.  how do i get caught up in these mindless (and endless) conversations about the most boring subject.  i should have just interrupted her and talked about all my favorite calendars in the past and how STOKED i was to have a kitten one this year.  

"oh my gaaaahhhh you wouldnt believe me if i told you but for march, holy shit, my birthday is in march!!! OMG!! but the kitten was in, you wouldnt believe this....but he was in a tea cup! HOW ADORABLE!! i mean last year was my boat calendar and there was a sailboat which was great at the time.....i was really into the nautical vessels at the time blah blah blah SEE HOW ANNOYING THAT IS AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

sometimes i wish i can just say or do whatever is on my mind but for some reason im convicted by this thing called "social etiquette" which obviously this women didnt live by because first rule of social etiquette is that you need to recognize when your conversation is making the person at the receiving end want to jam knives in his ears and set his face on fire. 

i know, i sound a tad mean right now but this lady was going on and on FOREVER!!  and i would say im a rather patient person (i taught my mom how to fly fish when everyone else in my family refused to teach her) but 20 minutes on the fact that her new cell phone didnt offer the grey background was just too much for me

however, i did have fun with the conversation at the end when i convinced her to buy long range walkie talkies instead of upgrading her cell phone.  i went into walkie talkie salesman mode at the end so i really hope she buys a bunch of walkie talkies for her and her "jobsite"

well my battery is about to die because i forgot to plug it up and i could either:

a) save this and finish it later with stories about jeffron 

or

b) publish something titled "jeffron the immortal part 4" that doesnt include ANYTHING about jeffron





B


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jeffron the Immortal part 3

its finally summer and i (with the company of my friend thollander) have created a pretty rigid summer program.  this program is a perfectly engineered domino set up that will be completely successful.  each step leads to the other.  i present to you the project summer 2009:

sexy summer bods
summer brides
summer babies

by the end of the summer, thollander and i will have full fledged families.  i know, i know..."what about the 9 months birthing baby period?" blah blah blah seriously.  clearly time is of no threat to us since our summer bods will be on active duty by tuesday.  im hoping to have a 3 year old by the end of august.  thollander's babby will be like 2 i think.  their names will reflect the place in which they were conceived soooo im thinking:  

bathtub bennett

and

ferriswheel thollander

the best part is when (mystery bride) and i are at the hospital in support for the birth of ferrisheel thollander....we will sneak away to a hideaway and create 'waiting room bennett'.  waiting room's immune system will be flawless.

i just realized that this has nothing to do with part 3 of jeffron the immortal.  SO WHERE WAS I!  

oh yeah, i realized that dates and times are not my forte so ill just tell the stories i remember from like a month ago.  this should be interesting.  

MY BIRTHDAY!

my birthday was march 23rd and we decided to have a little family dinner at the nunnery and then go to a bowling alley.  we ended up hanging out at the nunnery and i watched as jeffron touched and tasted all my vancouver friends.  he was warmly welcomed.  

by the way, when i say "touch and taste" it usually means that we are just hanging out party times.  however, i dont want to say that theres NEVER touching or tasting because i would be lying.  i tend to bite people.  

now if my memory serves me right, which it probably wont because im stupid, i think i arrived at the nunnery with jeffrons bday present.  while i went to school, jeffron explored all these outdoors stores looking for supplies for his epic adventure.  shit.  wait, i think im getting events messed up again.  

ok, friday! that was the bowling and then that following monday (my actual bday) was an intimate (pants optional) dinner party.  

ok lets talk about friday first because i think jeffrons bday present was monday.  dammit, this is so hard.  STUPID BRAIN!

ok, we were all hanging out at the nunnery in formal attire while making smores outside by the bonfire.  it was delicious and NO ONE made a mess!!!  best night ever.

alright, that was a lie.  we werent in formal attire, nor were we making smores.  and even if we made smores, the fact that i said "NO ONE made a mess" is down right laughable because we ALL know that eva would have melted marshmallow in her hair, chocolate on her face and her leg would be on fire.  pathetic. 

fact time:

we were waiting on michelle (the classiest and nicest person ever) to get off work so we could all go bowling.  i then realized that michelle hadnt met jeffron yet so a saucy thought popped in my head.  next thing we knew, iain, suzie, jeffron, and i were in the car chanting, "FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS!" and driving towards the starbucks that michelle worked at.  the plan was simple...jeffron go in there with his mushroom haircut and hit on/freak out michelle.  a real 'no rules' operation.

we get there and i sneak up to the window to have a peak inside to see if a) she was there and b) show jeffron who the target was.

i slowly (and stealthily) peered around the concrete wall and to the window.  i didnt see her at first so peered a little furthurOH MY GAAAHHHHH!!! SHES RIGHT THERE!  she was at the cream/sugar station RIGHT BESIDE the window...it scared me out.  my heart was pounded HARD AND FAST!

we were all pumped as jeffron went in for the BZL kill!  the squad hercules/team self respect adventures with jeffron were BACK!

right when he went in, a gaggle of teens with capes walked by.  and i know that sounds completely ridiculous but im not making this up.  about 4 teenboys walked by in red capes.  it was weird.  but i wanted one of them to go in the starbucks with my camera and take a couple of ninja pics.  however, we stumbled across some young negotiators because they had some strict demands.  they wanted to walk suzie across the road.  they said it was for some "scavenger hunt" but i just think they wanted to hold suzies hand because the capes have effectively prevented them from touching any human female in their lives and this was THEIR BIG CHANCE!  i could only imagine how sweaty their hands were.  gross.  ol' sweaty hands don don.

but our little caped ninja did a great job:


after about 10 minutes later, jeffron emerges eating a chocolate croissant.  he had a glazed look over his face and was legitimately frightened.  i asked what happened and he just responded with, "you didnt warn me enough about how nice and sweet she was!"

this apparently threw off his plan.  jeffron was ready to go in and make this girl feel so uncomfortable that it would have left her in a pool of shame and despair.  but the fact that michelle was so nice led to jeffron's vastly inappropriate motives to become suddenly thwarted by her charm.  take a look at the picture again and look at jeffron as he is like a deer frozen in front of some headlights.  a pair of classy headlights.

i knew that walking in, jeffrons head was filled with ideas that would make even the writers of 'KIDS' cringe but when he came out....he was a transformed man.  before jeffron could spit off the creepiest of the creepy, michelle's genuinely loving nature pierced his heart like a...like a....dammit YOUTUBES!!! ive been searching for that scene in royal tenenbaums with the pocket knife stabbing because its GREAT! but the internets have failed me.  well, at least you can imagine it...because thats how michelle's and jeffron's convo went.

jeffron panicked and all he thought of was to hold up the creme and yell across the store, "IS THIS 2%!!...IS THIS 2%!!!"  which is actually pretty great, and the dense jeffron is just as good as the jeffron the violator.  

apparently they got in a conversation about chocolate in which jeffron explained to michelle that hes never had chocolate before in his life.  michelle, making no judgments, gave him a free chocolate croissant.  wow.  so instead of her being creeped out, she ended up giving him free stuff.  ridiculous.

so we leave to go back to the nunnery.  jeffron just collecting himself in the backseat.  crying and eating his free croissant.  once we get back to the nunnery, the plan extended to jeffron hiding and waiting for michelle to get home.  he was going to come yell for me and tell me that HE WAS IN LOVE AND DIDNT CARE WHO KNEW!  so as michelle gets home, we tried to get her to tell us about a "creepy guy with a mushroom head" that paid her a visit but to no surprise, she didnt seem like anything was wrong.  that this wasnt "story worthy".  i guess this is just standard procedure in michelle-land.

as we were in the kitchen, jeffron comes through the front door and yelling for my attention.  he runs through the hall and makes the most incredible kitchen entrance ever while sliding on his socks like 15 feet screaming that he was in love!

mind you, the kitchen was FULL of people that jeffron had either just met that day or had never met yet.  he goes on and on about how sweet and beautiful michelle was and how he needs to see her again.  all the while, michelle was standing behind him with a bright red face.  then we all bust out laughing and the game was over.  it was goodtimes.  and im pretty sure that to this day, michelle doesnt think it was a joke but rather that jeffron is just "unique".

ok, after that we went bowling!!!!!1111onewon

jeffron, iain, suzie, luke, and i were in lukes car as we journeyed to the bowling alley.  we were having a gay ol time listening to tunes and laughing about adventures until a mini van pulled next to us...just staring into our car.  his window was down and was mouthing something.  we pulled to the red light and jeffron (who was riding shotgun) rolled down his window to ask was the deal was.  

random guy: "hows your fucking president!?"

jeffron:  "uhhh obamas doing well i guess"

random guy: "no no, the other one! he fucked everything up!!"

luke: "oh yeah, sorry about that"

then jeffron just smiled and rolled the window back up.  he was mouthing something while we just smiled.  super awkward.  but we realized that lukes car has a texas license plate sooo i guess that means that we are bush fans and/or bush's relatives.

WE ARRIVE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY!

we walk in. PUMPED AND READY TO PARTY!  when i notice something odd.  there were only 5 pins at the end of the lane.  and the bowlers were throwing a ball the size of a croquet ball.  interesting.  well apparently in canada, their bowling is for children only.  but we had an awesome time.  especially when the blacklights came on for ultimate psychedelic fun.  

here are pictures!

"yeah im going to touch you"


suzie slides on her knees for professional control!



i dont even need to look where i throw it.  i dont know what suz is doing.



CHAMPION!




couple things:

1) its baloney that jeffrons pictures show up bigger than mine.  BUT WHATEVER OVER IT!

2) you may have noticed the SICK THREADS that jeffron and i were wearing that night.  and yes, they are spirit animals.  here is a closer look:




i will tell you the story on how we attained those beautiful shirts later.  and obviously it happened before this party and i failed to write about that awesome day because i have no idea when things happened.  SO the next story will be BACK IN TIME!!!1111onewon or whatever, ill tell that story quick and then jump to the future again.  i have no idea.  MORE STORIES TO COME! thats what i want to say.  

Saturday, April 18, 2009

AND WE ARE BACK!!

alright, well i had my last exam yesterday!! so i am done with term.  this means i can go back to eating cinnamon rolls and writing in my blog everyday.  well maybe not everyday but i can at least start on where i left off.....jeffron. 

few things:  

1) i was informed by a few "eye-witnesses" that my last post was inaccurate.  not in the content but in the timeline.  all that stuff i wrote about definitely didnt happen that first thursday night.  my short term memory is USELESS.  SO to correct this i will just leave out days/dates because obviously i have no real grasp of when anything happen.  ill just tell stories.

2) because i had to take a long break from the bloooggin', its going to be hard remembering all the adventure romance stories between jeffron and i.  but ill give it my best.  if i cant remember anything specific, ill just talk about thollander and i in a bathtub politiking.

3) im not going to write anything today because its lukes bday so we are going to party HARD.  no rules.  (mom2, ill make sure hes safe).

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Jeffron the Immortal part 2

alright, LET THE STORIES BEGIN!!! however, there is one minor set back.....i may or may not be a little "slow".  this coupled with my horrible short term memory will make this little writing venture difficult.  but where did i leave off...

oh, we just crossed the border.  jeffron and i arrive in vancouver pretty late but go straight to the nunnery to a) party and b) give luke his car back.  we walk in as if we own the place because we are the ham jamz and to my surprise, liam, eva's once thought of as imaginary boyfriend has magically appeared in the kitchen to party HARD.  i immediately touch him.  eva whines.

there are many reasons why i love jeffron the immortal but one of them is that once there is a common connection (ie me) then all my friends (strangers to him) become immediate friends to where he is completely comfortable like a cat in any situation.  LET THE PARTY BEGIN! NO RULES! NO REGRETS!

and luckily for jeffron, this particular thursday night was special because we decided to play a group game!!! YAY GOODY!  usually, every thursday night is:

1) nomi and luke argue about something...sometimes its a solid discussion about doctrine but other times the argument is completely absurd because nomi will be defensive and argue ANYTHING ranging from singers to bodily chemicals...

subpoint to 1) real example:

luke: "hey nomi, i have more testosterone than you"

nomi: "uhhh that is BULLSHIT!!.....in ISRAEL, where im from by the way no biggie, jesus stayed at my house whatever, im over it, the woman are blah blah blahh"

and this continues for a while until either luke tries to hug nomi, michelle bakes cookies, or another argument starts up

2) watch the office

3) talk about how theres never anything good on tv after the office

4) watch a movie (a cartoon or comedy because everyone cant handle "emotional" movies now)

5) watch luke sit on nomi while she screams for her life

6) talk in the kitchen (this ranges from a quality group conversation to just a luke/nomi battle...but in all cases, im there to be the comic relieve so people wont start stabbing again)

so thats a usual night at the nunnery on a thursday.  BUT this thursday we decided to play a lovely family fun game called "telephone pictionary".

we had 9 people playing.  so here are the rules:

1) NO PANTS!!

ok here are the real rules of play:

1) each person has 9 (the same number as players) pieces of paper with them numbered

2) each person starts by writing a phrase on the paper...the more creative/funny/absurd the better

3) then you pass your whole stack with the phrase still on top to the next person (either left or right, it doesnt matter as long as everyone picks the same directions)

4) the next person sees the phrase and on the next piece of paper, they draw a representation of the phrase, then put the original phrase on the bottom of the stack

5) then you pass the stack again and the next person (without seeing the original phrase) writes a phrase of what they think the drawing is 

6) this pattern continues until it goes all the way around the table and back to the original. 

7) then you go through the entire stack and laugh laugh laugh at all the stupid things people said and drew yay goody!

these are easy instructions for the common 3rd grader....unless you are thollander, then you need to be explained after every round.  quite annoying for everyone except me...i thought it was hilarious.

then you clown EVERYONE!  it was great fun, and jeffron fit right in....creating delicious phrases and drawings.  i hadnt laughed that much in a long time.  the entire time i was playing, i was just wishing that cobra and party josh were there...their sick brains...i mean "creative imagination" would be a crucial asset to a game like this.

alright, well im going to end this post now because the next one will be quite extensive because it will be about my birthday adventures!!!!111onewon

if blogs had a trailer for the next episode this would be it:

EEEEEEEOooo michelle, go-girls, balls, blacklights, eva crying BOOM CITY YA YA YA YA!  



Saturday, March 28, 2009

Jeffron the Immortal part 1

i know its been forever since i last updated my private journal but diary, i have NOT forgotten you.  im sure you think that ive been completely useless and boring that i have nothing good to contribute to this journal BUT YOU WOULD BE IN THE WRONG!  

i havent been writing in this thing due to lack of adventure but rather SO MANY adventures that i havent had time to reflect and share my stories of wanton mirth.  the reason for this sudden influx of adventures/mischievous festivities is due to the fact that my good friend and co-creator of the world renowned organization squad hercules/team self respect is visiting from north carolina:

JEFFRON THE IMMORTAL!
yeah thats right, ready to party. no rules.

as you can see in the title of this blog....it says part 1....yeah thats right....there are SO many stories that it will be impossible (impossible as in i dont want to do it) for me to write everything down in one post.  sooooo get ready ladies and gentlemen dressed as ladies, you are in for a treat.  a treat that you have TO READ to reach its sweet sugary center.

it all starts on thursday march 19th when i borrow lucas' sex ride (toyota rav-4) and head down to seattle to pick up jeffron who was down there for a couple days visiting his sweatpants wearing friend.  i say seattle because thats what jeffron told me.  however when i google mapped the address he gave me it ended up being over an hour south of seattle.  whatever, this wasnt going to stop me!  so i hit the road EARLY so i could meet them 200 miles away for lunch.  about 4 hours later, i get there late but we still take in 6000 calories of 100% american pancakes at this restaurant south of seattle.

why did it take 4 hours?  oh ill tell you, geez, i really dont know why you are yelling at me.

well, on my way out of vancouver, i hit traffic.  no worries, minor set back.  then i get to the border and this was the major set back.  i get to the border and quickly swallow all my canadian paraphernalia  (hockey pucks, maple syrup, anti-freerdom posters, and lsd) so that wouldnt be scrutinized by the 'murcans.  as im acting cool, i hand the officer my passport and give him a little wink.

officer:  "where are you headed?"

me: "seattle to pick up a friend" (i opted not to explain the whole south of seattle deal)

officer: "is this your car"

me: "no"

officer: "ok, go inside, YOU WILL BE SCRUTINIZED!!!"

well, ok maybe he didnt say that verbatim but his tone definitely painted a frightening picture.  so i park, go inside and start showing the skins.

apparently, they dont like people going across the border without their "own" car.  foolish really.  we talked forever and they asked me to go get the license plate number and registration.  i start panicking about 10 minutes later when i cant find the registration or anything in the car that proved it belonged to my friend luke.  i did find luke's fife but i dont know if they had the technology for a 15 minutes saliva/dna test at the border so i decided that going in with the license plate number and fife wasnt the best of plans.

they then asked if i had a note of consent from luke saying it was ok to use his car.....which i thought was hilarious because apparently going on a field trip and getting into another border requires the same little piece of paper and statement of: "yes, my little graham can do this"

"can you call him and let him talk to us?" says the officer....which would be perfect IF LUKE WOULD BUY A FREAKING CELL PHONE!!!  but thats for another day.  the best question the officers asked me was about jeffron himself: 

officer: "what are you going to be doing in the states?"

me: "oh, im picking up a friend from seattle"

officer: "what kind of friend?"

me: (was was completely thrown off guard by the question and EVERY bone in my body had to resist the temptation of making this into a big joke) "a good one?"

finally, they let me go once they realized that i was THE graham bennett that obama met with to finalize a new national holiday.  thats rights kids...obama's major plan of action is making my dreams come true...

GRAHAM BENNETT'S CLEAN UP DAY!

its the day after easter where the entire nation devotes one day to eat all the left over easter candies.  finally im going to get a little respect!  i presented the idea to obama and he just looked at me, smiled, handed me a cadbury creme egg, winked, and said, "2009....no bullshit!"

so they let me by but said that i may or may not be able to get back into canada because of the following reasons:

1) im not a canadian citizen
2) i just picked up another non-canadian citizen
3) im driving a car that isnt mine
4) a car that is not registered in british columbia
5) a car that is registered in texas (not the best of states to represent internationally)
6) no proof of consent from the real owner of the car

BUUUUUT i was going to let future graham worry about that noise.

so off to pick jeffron up!  the plan was to pick him up and hang out in seattle for the day and party with our mutual friend jussy.  however, after the delays, lunch, and the fact that we were far south of seattle, we ended up getting to seattle at 3:30.  jussy had class at 4.  great.  fortunately, the random exit in the middle of downtown, and the random parking garage that we picked ended up only being 4 blocks away from jussy lived.  DESTINY!  so we were able to see jussy for 15 minutes, and walk him (like responsible parents) to class.

after that, jeffron and i went to pike place.  now, jussy told us that we would be immediately stabbed by locals if he called it pike's place.  so of course, as decent human beings with common courtesy, we made sure to say pike's's'ss place as much as possible.  solid tourists.  we went to the first starbucks which was goodtimes great fun.  oh heres jeffron in the first starbucks.  

ALRIGHT SCREW SEATTLE! ON TO SWEET VANCOUVER!

it was supper time so we decided to stop in some sketchy mexican place to fill out bellies with authentic mexican food before entering into the country with a poor sense of what mexican food is.  it was a pretty normal experience with one main highlight....the bowl of cheese.

back in north carolina, all the mexican restaurants offer the option of a delicious saucer of melted cheese to dip your chips in instead of the regular salsa.  so i immediately asked for that at this place.  they looked at me like i was stupid which caused a 5 minute discussion on what cheese dip was and what i wanted.  finally i said, its just a bowl of melted cheese and the lady looked at me, said something in spanish, smiled, and the backed away slowly.

success?

wrong.  15 minutes later she brings a huge bowl of about 3 pounds of cheese melted with some jalapenos thrown on top.  not exactly what i envisioned would be the cause of my death.  now this sounds like heaven to some people like laura but to the NORMAL person who likes NORMAL amounts of cheese...this was borderline illegal.  the best(worst) part was that this oozing mass was solidifying FAST.  so for someone (or a more appropriate party of 20) would have to eat this monstrosity in 2.5 minutes.  laura would be able to pick this up and down the entire thing before realizing that the bowl was a thousand degrees and melting her hands.  gross laura.


disgusting


while at the restaurant (and waiting to see if we would die from the injection of cheese), we started worrying about getting across the border.  so i may or may not have forged a letter of consent.  i wrote a professional letter stating my purpose and luke's approval as he wrote it.  and then i signed luke's name on it.  illegal? yes. immoral? maybe. jealous? i know you are.

so we get to the border and butterflies were fluttering in my stomach....slowing fluttering due to the amount of cheese covering their dainty wings but fluttering nonetheless.  we get to the border and the canadian officer looks at the passports and says, "why were you in the state?"

i respond with, "oh i just picked up my friend from the airport, hes visiting me in vancouver for a bit"

canadian officer: "driver, did you buy anything while you were down there?"

me: "no"

canadian officer: "ok, youre good to go"

OH YES THAT WAS SO EASY! and i didnt even have to use my fake (sneaky) note which would have totally worked by the way.  he was totally cool and didnt even ask if i was driving my own car.  

so moral of the story:

its really easy to get into canada.  and the united states hates foreigners.

generalizing? dont mind if i do!


Friday, March 13, 2009

Contemporary Christian Music

this is a paper that i turned in for my christian thought and culture class...


Contemporary Christian Music: When are Christians Going to Stop Being Assholes?

As worshipping progressed from the traditional style of organs and hymns to the “contemporary” style of acoustic guitars and goatees, it seems that the church has made a natural and needed shift in time but has lost a lot of what it means to worship. This paper is a critique on the new generation of worship music that has swarmed many North American churches, retail stores and iPods. I will not suggest that we revert back to strictly hymns and organs for that would be placing importance on a particular method in a specific time and culture instead of realizing that our vernacular is different than theirs. The main principles that I will discuss can be easily translated to other cultures and other times…and that’s precisely the point. As churches, regardless of location or time in the world, think intentionally about how they will worship, they need to realize that the timeless truth of Jesus Christ will be expressed through different vehicles of time, culture, and language. However, since I am a white American male, I will be focusing on the North American Church that has decided to employ this new worship music that we call “contemporary”. The need for progression and genuine expression of art in our current culture must be coupled with the vital examination of what our intentions are and whom we are truly worshipping. Truth, honesty and integrity must trump cheap tricks and short-lived fads in order to honor and worship God.

Art: Reflecting the Times

Responding to the times and reflecting on any given era sparks a mass suspicion in the minds of a lot of Christians because it might look dangerously close to being shaped by the times.1  One of the big problems we have today is our inability as a church to look at church history as a progression of methods but rather we take what we have today for granted. Marva Dawn states in her book, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down:

“…the idolatry of traditionalism, which causes us to do everything as it’s always been done, to such an extent that worship remains boring and stale.”2 

She goes on to state that the best remedy to this is not throwing everything out. I will whole heartily agree that there are truths in the hymns of Isaac Watts, John and Charles Wesley that we should not throw out just for the sake of being on the “cutting edge”. However, this is where I hate the words “traditional” and “contemporary” when describing the two styles of worship because it implies that the “traditional” was never “contemporary” and this is a foolish mistake. When hymns were first introduced in the 18th century, they were extremely revolutionary and created a completely new standard of worship. They were secular in style, personal and culturally relevant in content, and absolutely shocked the “traditional” form of worship.3   Does this sound familiar? We should not focus the particular vehicle of expression but accept that worship has always been progressing and been a series of experimentations.

Recruitment: First Mistake

This is the starting point to the downfall of our current contemporary movement. Once the purpose of worship is to attract and recruit the unredeemed world then it ceases to become worship. This seems harsh but this needs to be rule number one in every church:

“Worship is easily corrupted when it is treated as a recruitment device, for that shifts its focus from honoring God to pleasing those who profess to honor God.”4

There is a huge difference in honestly honoring God with the worship your church community uses and putting on a face to “win souls”. One is genuine and one is fake and pathetic. The point of worshipping is not to look cool or making people feel good but it is to WORSHIP GOD and ONLY GOD! I will discuss the topic of styles later but first thing is first: worship is not a marketing tool.

Sacred versus Secular: Christian?

Let’s get down to the basics: worship music is “Christian” music, right? The generic consensus of what makes a song sacred has something to do with its content. However, I am going to argue that it is not that simple because just because the name “Jesus” is in the song doesn’t necessarily make it sacred or should be used in worship. Also, what do we do with instrumental music that expresses appropriate responses that words can’t? Many contemporary Christian artists in their quest to be relevant and be “in the world but not of the world” have created a parallel world that mimics the secular world. This “Christian bubble” of a music scene has not produced a Kingdom of God on earth but rather took aspects of the world and retreated to a “safe haven” that is just as full of idols of greed, fame, pride, etc. as the secular music scene.

“Christian pop is the hymnody of idolatry, the self’s worship of the self…[and] it exalts consumption over creation and self-promotion over service.”5  

Frankforter is unrelenting but I will have to agree with him whenever I see those huge Christian concerts and feel more disconnected with God than when I’m listening to a secular artist scream his lungs out about the hopelessness and hatred of life. With one I just see an unoriginal shadow who is ripping off the latest pop star while singing the newest “Christian phrase” and the other I see the honest depiction of a broken man who’s completely frustrated with the world and longing to feel something real. I see the “secular” song more sacred because it reveals the true nature of humans, the lament I have for the world, and the real need for Jesus…and calls me to love and serve.
Equating worship music to the Eucharist will create a safe standard. Bread and wine are just bread and wine unless it’s coupled with the Word. This, I realized, is essential to worship music. Frankforter states,

“A joyful noise is a natural, spontaneous, and appropriate response to the discovery of the reality of the Bible’s God. But it is only a response; it is not the cause of the worshiper’s sense of the divine presence.”6 

I’m not saying that every song from the contemporary music culture is dispensable, but for it to be worship, it needs to be coupled with the Word and to be used as an honest response to that Word.

Production: Accountability

Michelle K. Baker-Wright brings up an important issue of production in her work, Intimacy and Orthodoxy:

“Thus, many over-personalized worship songs are written in isolation, studio recorded, published, and distributed to thousands of churches that will replicate the same cultural and theological paradigms without any discernment process.”7

For the church to appropriately worship, there needs to be in full communication between the artists and the clergy. Artists need to be their own theologian to fully present the character of God. If you focus more on getting the right style than on the words to attract people (re: recruitment), then you will end up having a lifeless jingle that will sound catchy but wont correctly represent the God who you are worshipping.

Themes: Incomplete

As we entered into the modern world, the importance of individuality rose and the affects of this are clearly seen in the lyrics of popular contemporary Christian music. Most critics will agree that the “Me and My Jesus” mentality in the current worship needs to be altered in order to fully honor God. I can’t stress enough of how Marva Dawn is a champion in this area. She states:

“Such worship fosters the basic perspective that faith depends on how well we notice God’s glory, rather than of the gift of God’s revelation that God’s grace enables us to receive.”8 

She explains that the cause of this is the contemporary confusion of praise and “happiness”. Focusing on happiness makes us forget that God’s glory is through Christ’s sacrifice and the suffering of God’s people.9   This sort of repetitive optimism can actually be very spiritually disturbing.

“Only upbeat and happy songs are destructive to worshippers because it denies the realities of doubts concerning God, hiddenness of God, and the feeling of abandonment by God that cloud believers going through difficult times.”10 

The fear of looking weak is a twisted idea of our generation because we need to be reminded that redemption is not through the glory of the church but through the crucified Messiah. Thus, a full range of themes should be incorporated in worship, not by focusing on us, but by proclaiming God’s truth and God’s character. Songs of lament need to make its way to our churches. Songs of frustration should frighten us. Songs of mission should promote service. Songs of the Body of Christ should make us forget the individual. The range of themes should reflect the range of responses we have to the Word. As Marva Dawn puts it:

“Instead of recognizing the inadequacy of worship that teaches only one aspect of our relationship to God, [people in difficult times] blame themselves for inadequate faith.”11 

Style: Inspiring versus Imitating

So far I have said little about the actual style of music that should represent worship and I’ve done this on purpose because when it comes to worship, the methods are temporal and always in reform. The important thing a church needs to realize is:

“Hope lies not in discovering a single program or strategy to be imposed to all churches, but in trusting the power of grace to guide each in discovering how it can best worship with integrity. Worshipers must become explorers who risk forays into uncharted territory.”12 

As Christians, we are the ones that in face of God see the wickedness of life and yet at the same time see the ultimate glory of God. If anyone, we are the ones that know true sorrow and true joy. So, why is it that we have settled for cheap imitations of the world around us? We are the ones that should be inspiring instead of imitating. Do we have such little faith that we feel we need to copy what is popular in the unredeemed world to attract an audience? We need to be innovative and the forerunners of musical talent at the same time respectful of the past. If we find truth in an old hymn, then it would be foolish for us to discount it just because it’s “old".13  My church back home would sometimes take the lyrics of old hymns and put it with contemporary music.14   Style needs to honestly reflect each particular church.15   

Conclusion: Epiklesis

Throughout this paper I have touched on some of the aspects of the contemporary worship movement that need serious reconsideration and as a classic critic, I’ve pointed out the short-comings without offering specific remedies or a qualified 12 step program. The only real answer to church health and proper progression is taking the third person of the Trinity seriously. Truly evoking the Holy Spirit to guide each church will reveal what God’s character is and how each specific church and culture should respond and worship. The worship methods of every community will be vastly different but the lasting substance of worship should be consistent: followers who are being led by the Holy Spirit in creating authentic worship in response to the Word and in the language and style of their cultural identity. Inspiring the unredeemed world with their ability to see the world through the eyes of a true and living God and responding with a wide range of emotions to the complex themes of the Bible.
The church is worshipping the favor of the world and not the Triune God when it turns worship into a marketing tool. This makes us look like snakes instead of honest humans trusting in the Holy Spirit and the Power of the Word. Progression ceases when we have no faith that the Holy Spirit will guide the next generation in honoring God.


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1 Steve Turner, Imagine: A Vision for Christians in the Arts, (Downer’s Grove: IntraVarsity Press, 2001), 93.
2 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1995), 47.
3 Rob Des Cotes, Contemporary Worship and Our Quest for Intimate Relationship, (Regent College Thesis, 1997), 28-29.
4 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2001), xiii.
5 Ibid., 135.
6 Ibid., 136.
7 Michelle K. Baker-Wright, Intimacy and Orthodoxy, Missiology 35, no. 2 (April 2007): 169-178. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 176.
8 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, 77.
9 Ibid., 87.
10 Ibid., 88-89.
11 Ibid., 89.
12 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, 169.
13 Kara Mandryck, The Convergence Movement in Contemporary Worship, Didaskalia
(Otterburne, Man.) 17, no. 2 (2006): 19-36. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 24.
14 Vintage 21 in Raleigh, NC. The music was written specifically for that hymn to properly match the style and tone of the message with the music...NOT just putting a hymn to a popular song.
15 Imitators will be sniffed out immediately as con-artists.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Is this stealing?

its sunday so im obviously partaking in my sunday ritual which some would guess (and be wrong) that i was at church.  your wrong guess would be close though....i am at grounds for coffee eating a marvelous cinnamon roll and drinking incredibly hot and black coffee.  i have made this a graham bennett sacrament.   the best part about shoving this 10,000 calorie death trap down my throat is that i JUSTIFY IT!  thats right, i completely let myself off the hook by saying, "well, this will be the only big thing i eat all day."  so dinner will be just a bowl of frozen vegetables like last night (and i think the night before).

anyways, geez, the only reason i started talking about my cinnamon roll was only to say that eating a cinnamon roll may or may not be the best thing while writing in your bloggypoo.  i feel like eva when my keyboard is covered in cinnamon and frosting.  "how the hell did that get there.....EVA!!"  ohhhh it looks like eva got into the, im going to be safe and say, blueberry pie.

alright back to, or should i say, lets finally start the story at hand.  OH MY GOODNESS! this is LITERALLY a "story at hand" because im TYPING it!! that (sadly) just made my day!

so yesterday, i was at bennys bagels with lars, nerida, and maria.....having a lovely time kinda studying.  we were there for a loooong time and i was ready to leave and catch some precious vitamin d by staring straight into the sun with my eyes wide open.  apparently, thats the only way to REALLY do it (nomi).  maria was first to leave....an early strike if you ask me.  then later, nerida and i left....lars wanted to stay and "read".  well i shouldnt really put quotes around 'read' because that was exactly what he was doing instead of being aware of the cute girl that worked there that was obviously interested in him.  way to be oblivious lars.

so nerida and i were OFF!  walking down broadway, staying classy, and soaking up premium sun rays through out head windows.  she wanted to go into this consignment shop to look for a winter coat and since i was walking with her, i decided, hey...i dont have anything to do....especially not do school work like a responsible person.  however, it was to my dismay that this particular consignment shop was sexist.  sexist in a sense that it didnt cater to my manly needs by providing manly clothes.  it was a "girls only" shop......but i took caleb's nonchalant attitude towards signs like those and "model walked" right in.

nerida told me to try to find clothes that she might like.....this didnt go to well because a) i dont really know nerida that well so i obviously dont know her style and b) ive never shopped for girls....i could go shopping for my own sister and never pick out something "acceptable".

i obviously got bored quick and started playing in the small fountain they had in the store.  i was quickly reprimanded by the owner as she explained that theres bleach in that fountain.  then i made this connection:

man in "girls only" store = unattended child

or maybe its just me.  whatever, im over it.

after nerida tried on the entire store and didnt buy anything, we were OFF AGAIN!  this time to blockbuster.

we spend around 3.2 hours in blockbuster trying to figure out what the best movie is to show a bunch of 6th grade girls.  and no, im not hanging out with 6th grade girls, thats nerida's "hobby".  i didnt even hang out with 6th grade girls when i was in 6th grade.  i take that back, i had my first kiss in 6th grade from a girl in braces and after the kiss, my entire face was soaking wet with saliva.  it was AWESOME (at the time) but kinda gross thinking about it now.

we finally made out professional choices:

i got Holes.  and nerida got Penelope and Wall-E in the hopes that those little girls hadnt seen either.

boom!

while in line, there was a huge bowl of cadbury cream eggs that i of course cant resist.  when we get to the register, i try to "negotiate" with the counter lady as i proposed her this fair offer:

"hello lady, is there a deal where we get three movies and get a discount AND a free cadbury egg?"

she laughed and then she went on to explain some boring blockbuster rewards plan blah blah blah WHATEVER YOUNG LADY!

after her failed sales pitch, we just said we would just get the 3 movies.  however, i looked at her and asked, "so are you saying that i have to pay for this cream egg?"

with this she looked around, smiled, and then responded with, "wwwweeeelllll, i didnt say that" wink wink 

well those 'winks' werent there, but by the tone of her voice, they were implied.  so i said, "ohhhhhh gotcha"  wink  (my wink was there FOR SURE)  and then i put the egg in my pocket.

she rang up the movies and we left.  once outside, i looked at nerida and said, "well at least i got a cream egg! GOODY YAY!"  she looked at me like i was crazy and a BRUTAL THIEF!  what an outrage!

however, since shes from australia, ill give her some slack because she didnt know that:

a) there are various north americanisms that mean "yeah you get that for free"

and 

b) i get free stuff a lot

SO THE ACCUSATIONS STARTED!!!  it was baloney.....she didnt think that "wwweelllll, i didnt say that."  (in the tone of "yeah youre getting that for free") meant that I WAS GETTING THAT FOR FREE!

so im a little hesitant to share my little consumerism secret on the internets, fearing a widespread panic of all corporations that a certain someone (me) has been getting free stuff now and again by the simplest method EVER.  and no, not stealing!

but simply......ASKING!

for some reason, ive found that if you just ask for it for free....theres a SMALL chance (but a chance nonetheless) that you will get it for free.  ive done this mainly at coffee shops but now i can add blockbuster on the list of AWESOME STORE THAT GIVE FREE MERCHANDISE TO GRAHAM FLANAGAN BENNETT JUNIOR!

its really entertaining because since the worker isnt supposed to give free things out, they get an adrenaline rush as they rebel against the "system" and give me a free cookie or coffee.  i feel like im doing the ultimate service:

1) creating excitement in the life of a worker in the midst of their mundane works of commerce

2) keeping the corporations in "check" and to let them know they arent more powerful then the everyday man or woman

3) and IM GETTING THINGS FOR FREE

so moral of the story is that if people get things for free, its not necessarily because they stole it.  AND you should give things for free a lot because you might make someone's day by giving them something that costs one dollar for free.