Jeffron the Immortal part 1

i know its been forever since i last updated my private journal but diary, i have NOT forgotten you.  im sure you think that ive been completely useless and boring that i have nothing good to contribute to this journal BUT YOU WOULD BE IN THE WRONG!  

i havent been writing in this thing due to lack of adventure but rather SO MANY adventures that i havent had time to reflect and share my stories of wanton mirth.  the reason for this sudden influx of adventures/mischievous festivities is due to the fact that my good friend and co-creator of the world renowned organization squad hercules/team self respect is visiting from north carolina:

JEFFRON THE IMMORTAL!

yeah thats right, ready to party. no rules.

as you can see in the title of this blog....it says part 1....yeah thats right....there are SO many stories that it will be impossible (impossible as in i dont want to do it) for me to write everything down in one post.  sooooo get ready ladies and gentlemen dressed as ladies, you are in for a treat.  a treat that you have TO READ to reach its sweet sugary center.

it all starts on thursday march 19th when i borrow lucas' sex ride (toyota rav-4) and head down to seattle to pick up jeffron who was down there for a couple days visiting his sweatpants wearing friend.  i say seattle because thats what jeffron told me.  however when i google mapped the address he gave me it ended up being over an hour south of seattle.  whatever, this wasnt going to stop me!  so i hit the road EARLY so i could meet them 200 miles away for lunch.  about 4 hours later, i get there late but we still take in 6000 calories of 100% american pancakes at this restaurant south of seattle.

why did it take 4 hours?  oh ill tell you, geez, i really dont know why you are yelling at me.

well, on my way out of vancouver, i hit traffic.  no worries, minor set back.  then i get to the border and this was the major set back.  i get to the border and quickly swallow all my canadian paraphernalia  (hockey pucks, maple syrup, anti-freerdom posters, and lsd) so that wouldnt be scrutinized by the 'murcans.  as im acting cool, i hand the officer my passport and give him a little wink.

officer:  "where are you headed?"

me: "seattle to pick up a friend" (i opted not to explain the whole south of seattle deal)

officer: "is this your car"

me: "no"

officer: "ok, go inside, YOU WILL BE SCRUTINIZED!!!"

well, ok maybe he didnt say that verbatim but his tone definitely painted a frightening picture.  so i park, go inside and start showing the skins.

apparently, they dont like people going across the border without their "own" car.  foolish really.  we talked forever and they asked me to go get the license plate number and registration.  i start panicking about 10 minutes later when i cant find the registration or anything in the car that proved it belonged to my friend luke.  i did find luke's fife but i dont know if they had the technology for a 15 minutes saliva/dna test at the border so i decided that going in with the license plate number and fife wasnt the best of plans.

they then asked if i had a note of consent from luke saying it was ok to use his car.....which i thought was hilarious because apparently going on a field trip and getting into another border requires the same little piece of paper and statement of: "yes, my little graham can do this"

"can you call him and let him talk to us?" says the officer....which would be perfect IF LUKE WOULD BUY A FREAKING CELL PHONE!!!  but thats for another day.  the best question the officers asked me was about jeffron himself: 

officer: "what are you going to be doing in the states?"

me: "oh, im picking up a friend from seattle"

officer: "what kind of friend?"

me: (was was completely thrown off guard by the question and EVERY bone in my body had to resist the temptation of making this into a big joke) "a good one?"

finally, they let me go once they realized that i was THE graham bennett that obama met with to finalize a new national holiday.  thats rights kids...obama's major plan of action is making my dreams come true...

GRAHAM BENNETT'S CLEAN UP DAY!

its the day after easter where the entire nation devotes one day to eat all the left over easter candies.  finally im going to get a little respect!  i presented the idea to obama and he just looked at me, smiled, handed me a cadbury creme egg, winked, and said, "2009....no bullshit!"

so they let me by but said that i may or may not be able to get back into canada because of the following reasons:

1) im not a canadian citizen

2) i just picked up another non-canadian citizen

3) im driving a car that isnt mine

4) a car that is not registered in british columbia

5) a car that is registered in texas (not the best of states to represent internationally)

6) no proof of consent from the real owner of the car

BUUUUUT i was going to let future graham worry about that noise.

so off to pick jeffron up!  the plan was to pick him up and hang out in seattle for the day and party with our mutual friend jussy.  however, after the delays, lunch, and the fact that we were far south of seattle, we ended up getting to seattle at 3:30.  jussy had class at 4.  great.  fortunately, the random exit in the middle of downtown, and the random parking garage that we picked ended up only being 4 blocks away from jussy lived.  DESTINY!  so we were able to see jussy for 15 minutes, and walk him (like responsible parents) to class.

after that, jeffron and i went to pike place.  now, jussy told us that we would be immediately stabbed by locals if he called it pike's place.  so of course, as decent human beings with common courtesy, we made sure to say pike's's'ss place as much as possible.  solid tourists.  we went to the first starbucks which was goodtimes great fun.  oh heres jeffron in the first starbucks.  

ALRIGHT SCREW SEATTLE! ON TO SWEET VANCOUVER!

it was supper time so we decided to stop in some sketchy mexican place to fill out bellies with authentic mexican food before entering into the country with a poor sense of what mexican food is.  it was a pretty normal experience with one main highlight....the bowl of cheese.

back in north carolina, all the mexican restaurants offer the option of a delicious saucer of melted cheese to dip your chips in instead of the regular salsa.  so i immediately asked for that at this place.  they looked at me like i was stupid which caused a 5 minute discussion on what cheese dip was and what i wanted.  finally i said, its just a bowl of melted cheese and the lady looked at me, said something in spanish, smiled, and the backed away slowly.

success?

wrong.  15 minutes later she brings a huge bowl of about 3 pounds of cheese melted with some jalapenos thrown on top.  not exactly what i envisioned would be the cause of my death.  now this sounds like heaven to some people like laura but to the NORMAL person who likes NORMAL amounts of cheese...this was borderline illegal.  the best(worst) part was that this oozing mass was solidifying FAST.  so for someone (or a more appropriate party of 20) would have to eat this monstrosity in 2.5 minutes.  laura would be able to pick this up and down the entire thing before realizing that the bowl was a thousand degrees and melting her hands.  gross laura.

disgusting

while at the restaurant (and waiting to see if we would die from the injection of cheese), we started worrying about getting across the border.  so i may or may not have forged a letter of consent.  i wrote a professional letter stating my purpose and luke's approval as he wrote it.  and then i signed luke's name on it.  illegal? yes. immoral? maybe. jealous? i know you are.

so we get to the border and butterflies were fluttering in my stomach....slowing fluttering due to the amount of cheese covering their dainty wings but fluttering nonetheless.  we get to the border and the canadian officer looks at the passports and says, "why were you in the state?"

i respond with, "oh i just picked up my friend from the airport, hes visiting me in vancouver for a bit"

canadian officer: "driver, did you buy anything while you were down there?"

me: "no"

canadian officer: "ok, youre good to go"

OH YES THAT WAS SO EASY! and i didnt even have to use my fake (sneaky) note which would have totally worked by the way.  he was totally cool and didnt even ask if i was driving my own car.  

so moral of the story:

its really easy to get into canada.  and the united states hates foreigners.

generalizing? dont mind if i do!