Graham's Private Journal

MOVING

2009-11-04T17:32:00.001-08:00

hosts. ill be on wordpress now. sorry blogger. you still look great.

http://fatflanagan.wordpress.com/

pipe it.

George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 3

2009-10-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

let's talk about bacon. now, this was no ordinary bacon. this was the type of bacon that probably knew truths about life...mainly in mathematics. dont ask me how! it was just special. something extraordinary. one person that was supposed to be present but was out of town was our semi-sweet friend nomi. she is what we like to call a non-jewish jew. let's get one thing straight....she isnt jewish....her parents arent jewish....but she did however grow up in israel so we can say that she is culturally jewish. one of these habits she adopted was not eating pork. theres no reason for this other than her cultural upbringing. so she doesnt eat pork...no big deal. i dont give her crap for not eating pork just like she doesnt give me crap for being straight edge. i mean, she is so respectful of my choice and the reason that i choose to be straight edge that i often send her handwritten thank you notes in the mail with hearts and pictures of me expression my gratitude. these expression range from a classy headshot to an interactive picture such as me hugging a puppy with printed off picture of nomi's face as a mask. SOoooOOoooOoooo cuuuute!!!111onewon.

anyways, all that chit chat was to say that this bacon would have won even NOMI's heart. she would have seen it and knew her no-pork run was over. the shine of the maple syrup beamed through the air like rays of delicious light as the aroma filled our noses. as we were about to dig into george's amazing breakfast, i looked up to see eva drooling, which is actually cleaning her face from the dinner the night prior. thollanders eyes were in the back of his skull as he hypnotically tried to eat the air. laura was rolling up her sleeves in preparation for the bacon grease overflow. anna was rubbing the extra bacon grease on george's bald head because thats what you do in marriage. paul was for some reason taking his clothes off. and lars.....lars? dammit lars! GET OUT OF THE HOT TUB! IT'S BREAKFAST TIME!!!

this was by far the best bacon ive ever had. perfectly cooked with a glaze of maple syrup and probably a bunch of other stuff that george used. black magic being one of them! the scrambled eggs were the perfect consistency with cheese and herbs. hashbrowns? YES PLEASE! we devoured this magnificent meal with no shame. fat bodies....healthy minds.

the afternoon was devoted to digesting the breakfast as well as playing darts and pool. which i rule at by the way. i beat EVERYONE....EVERY TIME! well except george at darts. but he's on a team....so he doesnt count! he's cheating. he couldnt play for long because he had to start cooking dinner. george was the hero of the weekend because of his cooking skills. it was ridiculous, i say!

the ham he prepared for dinner was incredible. i think what made the ham taste so delicious was its combo of spices, herbs, and human seasoning. "human seasoning?" the untrained chef asks. well because george is the king of multi-tasking....he decided to cook the hunk of ham in the hot tub with all of us in it.

this sound disgusting but take the word of everyone there.....IT WAS MAGICAL! the human broth hot tub was the secret ingredient in giving the ham the desired flavor. i can hear anna saying, "SSSSSICK!" as she reads this or more accurately, quickly skims this. sorry anna, no pictures this time. well how about this one. that should appease you.

dont judge us. nor george's unorthodox cooking methods. though seemingly disgusting, THEY PRODUCE RESULTS! and not the result i got from the doctor confirming my type-2 diabetes or the result of my american apparel model audition:

but POSITIVE results. wait, i cant say 'positive' because the diabetes test was a positive and the doctor was also positively sure that i ate one of the medical instruments when she was out of the room. YOU CANT PROVE ANYTHING. so i guess the results that george's cooking produces are.....

mathematically complete. by that, i mean they complete people. everyone is, whether they believe it or not, incomplete until they eat from george's kitchen. here is a documentary explaining this phenomenon.

sidenote: this clip is SO MUCH MORE RIDICULOUS when you realize that they are in a room full of people.

im done writing. making that picture took far too much time and effort. so, the weekend was amazing. feel good, look good, do good, eat good, laugh good. i am very thankful to have such amazing friends.

philosophical dinosaurs

christian historians/RV owners

especially the ones that can cook....BECAUSE I LOVE TO EAT.

endnote: mom, i do NOT have diabetes. please dont think that i went to some canadian doctor who told me i had diabetes. dont send anymore articles about childhood obesity or proper eating habits. thank you. i love you.

I just Googled "the greatest moment of my life"

2009-10-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

before i proceed to part 3 of 'George and the Magical Hot Tub', I'd like to share a little something i like to call: pure gold.

canada finally got 'streetview' on google maps and for those that don't know what 'streetview' is, it's similar to street cred but way better. this little internet device allows your to walk the streets (one big step down the middle of the road at a time) of your favorite cities and neighborhoods. it's quite helpful for a couple reasons:

1) showing your friends where your home is

2) showing your stubborn friends that there IS a dairy queen on broadway and trafalgar

3) fantasizing that you are godzilla who destroys cities with snail like speed but can only take out objects that are 3 feet from the street

so pretty much it's the greatest feature of google. theyre really doing it.

the reason it took so long for canada to get this feature is because when google gave them the choice of getting the streetview feature or drinking maple syrup for 3 years straight...well canada obviously chose the latter. google, when (not if) you read this, please promise me that next time you think of an incredible idea and need to offer it to a country, give them another option like "make your own milkshake" or "play in the ball pit at a local fastfood restaurant" JUST to see the look on their faces....and also see what they choose...

so iain and i were hanging out at the bus stop on 4th and trafalgar...looking so super cool when iain pointed and yelled: "LOOK! google car!"

as it passes us, making my family proud was the only thing on my mind. so my middle finger saluted the fruits of 21st century technology. granddad bennett, for one, would be shedding tears of joy as he witnessed his legacy live on. the year was 1969 and granddad bennett was in a middle finger tournament which was the most elite tourney of that time. competitors from all over the globe came to fight over the rigorous course of both physical and psychological extremes. after the 72 hours of battling, my granddad came out the victor. receiving the trophy that trumps all trophies. gold plated....with a wooden middle finger at the top signifying who truly is the master. well, a few years ago for christmas, my granddad passed this on to his successor. at the time i didnt think i was worthy but my granddad saw the needed potential.

for years the trophy sat on my shelf as i passed by it knowing i didnt deserve it....until yesterday. iain ran up to be with his laptop in hand and a smile that would destroy even the meanest of bullies. he showed me something. something magnificent. yesterday was when i became my full ethos. behold:

DESTINY!!

we did it, granddad. we did it.

p.s. the trophy really does exist and my granddad did win it in 1969 and passed it along to me....that part i DIDNT make up.

George and the Magical Hot Tub, part 2

2009-10-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

ok, time is going by and my memory is fading so let's see how well i can keep up this story to the accuracy it deserves. the first night (friday) was very relaxing and everyone just settling in with nothing more to do other than stargazing and hot tubbin'. thollander and i took the cold basement because we were the only ones that would see that as an upgrade from our normal sleeping situation. everyone wins. lars slept in the hot tub and wasnt killed because of his superior method. saturday morning came around and i actually woke up fairly early in regards to graham time......i was up and walking around in the AMs. ate a delicious pop tart and drank some coffee as i stood outside admiring the river and morning breeze. the cool zephyr chilled my white thighs, which were exposed because my robe came undone, as the coffee soothed my insides.

the weekend was obviously on a great start. i cant speak for the others that stayed in the cabin saturday but laura, george and i went into town to shop for groceries. the plan was that laura was going to cook saturday night and george was going to cook everything else (sunday morning and sunday night). lunches were no rules...everyone on their own. i was in charge of making sure they chose the appropriate foods because i was the representative of the eating crew. however my main responsibilities were dedicated to the dessert realm because according to my blood sugar level, i was the expert.

we finally departed from the grocery store with the car packed of fresh goodies. im glad i was there for the process because george was obviously inspired by my presence when he chose the basketball sized ham as his main course for sunday nights dinner. sweeeeeet sweeeeet ham.

that night laura made an AWESOME lasagna. super fun dinner that followed the game of "crazy heads". well, i think thats what the game is called, i kinda forgot and instead of asking lars, im just going to guess. and yes, this is yet ANOTHER invention from lars. its really exciting having a real life inventor as a friend. im inspired to invent my own inventions such as: the natural pillow. this has probably been discovered before but im going to take the 'lars technique of attributing self credit to something pre-existing'. it all started when i was at the water fountain and in the corner of my eye, i saw susie approaching. at first i was struck with the irrational fear of her coming up and hitting the back of my head down to crush all my teeth on the metal spigot. but what really happened was probably just as crushing. as my head was recently buzzed, revealed the contour of my skull...she gently grabbed my head fat roll on the back of my noggin and said..."oh what is the scientific name for this fat roll?" NOOOOOOOOO!! is what i screamed inside but then i though, hey, i could use that as a pillow. BOOM! world inventor.

anyways, 'crazy heads' is the most ridiculous game ive ever played and im pretty sure we all lost 10% of our IQs for it. leaving the group still in the "intelligent" realm while i was finally bumped down to the level of smart dog. or mario lopez. the game is simple both in the rules of play and the intellect needed from the players. this game is all about speed. you pick a card from a deck of playing cards and without any noise or the use of your hands, you write out the number or letter with your.....wait for it.......HEAD!!111onewon. CRAZY HEADS! SO ZANY! CRAZY!! AAHHHHH!! LOSIN' MY MIND! well as inane as it sounds, it was actually really fun. especially when everyone became crazy and competitive. we really got into it....which is hilarious to think of us getting "serious" about crazy heads. we should really be ashamed of ourselves. good thing we had a hot tub there to loosin' up the neck muscles.

throughout the entire weekend, we played darts and pool. now this was great. because i love sports, yes i said sports, where i dont have to run around and/or get hit with a ball. and believe it or not...im pretty much a shark in both areas of pub games. george pretty much destroyed everyone in darts....for very good reason. george, a sexy young man of 33, has just become a member of a darts team. this is definitely something to brag about because george can say that he is the youngest member EVER at the LEGION! i dont know what kind of lottery george won but he got the "in" at LEEEEEEGION! an exclusive lounge for the elderly...mainly retired vets. i have yet to join him but word on the street is that rumors of my dart skills have spread like a buffet table at the LEGION and they are looking for younger chaps so that the average age of the team goes from 103 to 94. im always willing to help out. especially when it gives me two boy scout merit badges.....two birds with one stone!

"wouldnt you get 3 merit badges for this event?" asks the guy whose brain is made of used espresso cakes. NO! ill only get 'darts' and 'aide to the elderly'.....i earned my 'buffet' badge LONG AGO when i was a new born and stole all my moms hospital food. it wasnt technically a buffet but the officials in the boy scout world were nonetheless impressed with my speed and agility...especially with such tiny hands.

oh, i found a picture of george and the LEEEEGION MEN!!!

they look great.

theres a short waiting list...because the LEGION is a "one out, one in" kind of place. but its the true 'one out, one in' kinda policy because it deals with life and death.

i really did it with that whole 'legion rant'....a little off topic. whatever. what else happened at the cabin?

there will be a part 3 that is dedicated to bacon...

George and the Magical Hot Tub

2009-09-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

pathetic. this is one word that describes my blog habit. my weekly cinnamon roll/blog writing has been distracted by a little thing called: heart disease. now before my moms calls my canadian phone with her american phone to frantically ask me if i really have heart disease....i must admit that i dont. but im sure im pretty close. however, the start of the new school year has definitely been a challenge in trying to find ample time for blog world words.

so im here. now. writing a blog. of course about something that happened over a week ago. i lament not writing enough about my family vacation because the bennett family dynamic makes for good comedy. especially the in(s)ane personality of my mother. that 's' is in parentheses because she is absolutely insane but she its the inane type of insanity instead of the, you know, stabby type of insanity.

however, i have to cut my loses and realize that writing about something that happened months ago would only lead to the worst retelling of a story in history. so on to the story that calls for the title of the blog.

not this past weekend but the weekend prior, a group of went on an excursion to anna's parents cabin in the mountains of washington state. the team: lars, laura, eva, anna, george, paul, thollander, and graham flanagan bennett junior. anna, george and i were in the first car that left at 10am (1pm). those two times are anna's planned time, and anna's actual time of leaving. shes about as punctual as thollanders "clock" he bought from a dollar store. heres a little advice: dont buy an alarm clock from a dollar store....actually, just dont buy anything period from a dollar store if you need something reliable.

the drive wasnt that bad but the highlight of the drive up was a nice little country convenience store we stopped in, in small bum town, washington. i walk in to take a gander at all the great merchandise when my eye catches something quite incredible. a t-shirt. however, this was no ordinary t-shirt but a t-shirt that made you say "oh oh" when you saw it. at first glance, the shirt looked like a budweiser logo but upon closer inspection....it was actually a logo for "buttweiser" and there were three cartoon drawings of butts with thongs. wow.

oh this a whole rack of t-shirts? YES! so george and i start flipping through the selection and come across some gems. there was a michael jackson tribute one, which i ended up buying (of course). however, i do regret not buying the best t-shirt in the store...i really dont know what i was thinking. let me paint the picture of the shirt for you...

as you gaze at the majestic shirt, the first thing you notice is cartoon moose in the middle. what is the moose doing? oh, he is having sexual intercourse. who is the moose having sex with? would obviously be a poor question to ask in this particular case, but rather WHAT is the moose having sex with? a cut down tree, of course! since this is a cartoon, the artist took the liberty in letting the tree have the ability to speak because in a speech box from the tree was not words of love but rather, "what the f--?" due to future public presentation of the shirt by a lucky consumer, the artist had to censor the "f-word" to keep the classiness of the shirt. im glad he did that because i didnt want the picture of the moose humping the tree to lose its classiness...

this lovely picture was surrounded my some words, which formed the best poetry of the 21st century. above the picture was: "when i get drunk..." and below: "i make mistakes!"

incredible. and i fully regret not buying it.

so we arrive at the cabin friday evening and i immediately find a robe to put on. my swim trunks, michael jackson(with the sleeves torn off), and the robe was my official outfit for the entire weekend. after the grand tour, i came to the conclusion that the cabin was totally delicious. a couple "selling points" were: pool table, dart board, and the hot tub. however, the true hidden gem of the weekend was: george. george is anna's husband who is totally awesome. im glad he exists.

big statement? i dont care. i can say whatever i want in this here blog. george was the super glue of the trip as he was responsible for the majority of the cooking. i, of course, was responsible for the majority of the eating. the first example of this was the "quick dinner" we had our first night. "hey graham, you want a grilled cheese?" asked george. immediately my response was YES because i love grilled cheeses. hot cheese? dont mind if i do thank you very much!

while waiting for my sandwich, i decide to spend my time wisely so i started cleaning out all my bellybutton lint. after the last piece is pulled out, i realized i had enough to make a completely new shirt. yay goody, a FREE shirt! go green people. right as i was starting to assemble my new creation, george hands me the sandwich.

grilled cheese? george thinks THIS is a grilled cheese? this king sandwich was yes grilled but with: cheddar cheese, turkey, mayonnaise, honey mustard, tomato, caramelized onions AND pure lust. my eyes went dead when i consumed this hearty sandwich--shameless.

the rest of the peoples arrived later and the hot tubbin' began. oh, well the hot tubbin' started for anna the second we walked in...hours before the rest of us. you know, there are some girls that arent as "domesticated" as other traditional housewives, which is fine...but i believe anna takes this anti-standard to a new level. its as if someone tried to domesticate a dinosaur for the purpose of being a guide-dino for the blind....its just not gonna happen and more than likely someone will be killed.

so anyways, since the rest of the team arrived late, the night was just hot tubbin'. and thanks to lars, whose family not only brought hot tubs to canada BUT also invented the most efficient hot tub sitting position to maximize hot tubbin' time. someone employing this maneuver can stay in the hot tub for DAYS without dying. now, i would love to share this knowledge....but this particular move is going to have to cost you...

ok thats good for now...ill discuss more about the delicious foods and good times in a little bit.

Family Vacation 2k9: the Sociology of Mom

2009-08-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

well its been a while since ive posted so the people who read only this to stay in touch with me are probably very worried on my whereabouts...and im interested to understand what their image of me is if they only get a taste from my cyber life. i mean, everything i write in this private journal is 100% accurate. i hate people who employ hyperbole....they are straight up liars in my book.

speaking of which, you should buy my book here: GRAHAM'S BOOK

instead of conventional packaging, each book is delivered to the new master chef in a big jar of mayonnaise. just screw off the 10 inch wide cap, dunk hand in vat, pull out book, lick clean, turn to page 32, and start making your very own spaghetti and meatmayonnaiseballs. now, for all you health nuts out there (martha), you can turn to page 67 for a 'lighter' meal:

4 tablespoons of mayonnaise

4 skittles

dont throw the tablespoon in the sink because this is pretty much what youll be using. its called the "graham's 4 bite anti-depressant". total calories: 510. my advice is not to strain the body in any way because your cholesterol will be the through the roof.

dangerous? maybe. BUT pages 390-400 are dedicated to troubleshooting body malfunctions. youre gonna need to read those pages.

ANYWAYS, i feel so stupid self-promoting my book. i dont mean to squeeze my own pepper here, but...im pretty proud of my first book.

aside from writing and publishing my book, my family came to vancouver from august 9th to the 18th for our family summer vacation extraordinaire. in the midst of the christmas 2k8 disaster, we managed to plan our vacation in vancouver. we thought that since i was already up here and taking summer school, it wouldve been to hard to figure out summer schedules to work out with my parents and two siblings....steve and martha.

this rift in my normal life was filled with family funtimes (clownings) with a dash of arguments and awkwardtimes. my mom, though thoroughly trained in the arts of being a southern belle, sometimes exhibits a complete lack of social awareness. but at least she looks great! same haircut since she won miss western high in high school.

so since you are asking the question, "how is mommy j socially unaware sometimes?" then i have no choice to present the family vacation not in chronological order.

incident 1 of 902938457:

as i was driving the rental car around vancouver and various tourist-friendly places around vancouver, i realized that i was an adult. i know there are several different questionable factors that go into the determination of an adult, such as:

voting age, drinking age, puberty, homeowning, financial independence, out of school, being a parent, killing a lion, various other tribal rites etc etc, the list goes on and on but i was never sure if i was an adult or not until this trip. upon extensive investigation, i have come to the conclusion that the only way you can be an adult is IF you are the one that drives in a vacation.

this responsibility is only deemed fit for a full-fledged adult. and once you are an adult, you must pronounce the word 'adult' correctly: with the emphasis on the A syllable rather than the U. not uhdUlt but A-dult. the A is like the A in 'apple'....you would never say, "excuse me martha, the uh-pple pie that you refuse to eat because you are some sort of health nut has now managed to make its way all over evas face"

so as adult me was driving the family-filled rental car to victoria, bc for a day or two, we had to take a ferry. we end up being late to the first ferry because we just had to stop in a white spot restaurant which is like a canadian classier Denny's. the breakfasts we had were simply shameful and my dad and i felt awful afterwards. my sister of course filled her new stomach...she replaced her God-given stomach with an empty hacky-sack she stole from a hippie when he was cleaning out his bong with diet coke...with a piece of toast and a couple bites of yogurt. im hesitant to say "bites" when talking about yogurt but "sips" definitely doesnt work and "slurps" might not be academically acceptable which shouldnt bother me since i care SO MUCH about being academically appropriate in this blog.

anyways, God told me he was thoroughly disappointed in my sisters decision to use a used hacky-sack when he clearly created the beach ball as a suitable stomach replacement. quit laughing. start learning.

we finally drive onto the ferry along with several other motor vehicles on a collective quest for victoria on vancouver island. we park and begin to get out of the car in order to go upstairs and snag prime seats on the ferry. and let me tell you, snagging prime seats on a ferry is serious business. my dad, sister and i were out of the car ready to go in seconds...my mom however, likes to take her sweet time getting out of the car. it doesnt matter where we are or where we have to be, my mom WILL spend 10 minutes deciding which visor is best for the specific occasion.

so as my mother was meticulously gathering her things to put in her zesty summer tote bag, my sister and dad made a run for it. i, of course being the the favorite of the family, stayed so my mother wouldnt be alone. things were looking encouraging when one of her legs was out of the opened door. however, this is where things got socially awkward.

since her door was open, she was blocking the back door of another car beside us. the drive had walked around and was waiting for my mom so he could get into his car and retrieve his child from the car seat. this particular stranger wasnt prepared for my mom's inability to exit a car in race car drivers speed, much less 10 minutes.

now, this could have been an innocent mistake, HOWEVER, my mom made eye contact with the guy waiting and completely knew he was waiting on her. this social exchange of recognizing each other's purpose and existence would lead to a couple of normal responses:

1) "oh sorry, i didnt know you were there, let me get out of the way" and then grab your things to exit the car so you arent in the way

OR, if you plan on taking a nap first or finish a 1500 piece puzzle before exiting a car like my mother, then this response is acceptable:

2) "oh sorry, i think ill be a while, let me shut this door so you can get your things for a minute" and then pull your leg in and shut the door.

unfortunately, my mother took the unorthodox road which was to smile and stay put. the guy stood patiently as i apologized and begged my mother to hurry up or at least shut the door. "oh that isnt that awkward of an incident" you may say...well this lasted FOREVER! even one minute of two strangers staring at one another with "what the hell is going on?" faces feels like an eternity.

i was pleading with my mother but apparently gathering the right possessions requires full attention and the need to block any outside sound or influence. as i was speaking to her, i could just see her looking into her tote bag, not acknowledging my existence (much less the poor miserable and surprisingly patient stranger), mouthing to herself, "i wonder if im going to need my hairdryer for this hour long ferry ride.."

internal humiliation burns began to weaken my body and the rest of my strength was dedicated to informing this stranger, who actually had time to makeshift a stool out of the stinks and trash he found around his car, about my mothers car-exiting condition and apologizing for wasting his life.

as the last water buffalo was crammed in the spacious tote bag, my mom finally exited the car. SUCCESS! finally the guy was able to get his child, who was now 13 years old, out of the car to be reunited with the family.

as i was questioning my mom about her thought process in that situation, she said, "well i knew he was there!" to which i responded with, "yes i know, which makes things worse!" but she explained that she translated the courteous smile from the gentleman on their first eye contact exchange to mean, "oh hello ma'am, i need to get my child out of that seat and your door is granting me sub-optimal access, but thats ok, take as long as you want."

since i was an Adult now, i thoroughly and firmly explained to my mother of her social faux pas. so which is replied, "i dont know why you are yelling at me."

i ended my lecture on social courtesy and manner with, "quit crying. start learning."

we finally begin out voyage to the upper decks to take in the beautiful british columbia scenery. suddenly we are halted by a sea of people returning to their cars. whats this? then my dad and sister appear to inform us that the ferry ride was over. great. all that effort for NOTHING.

The Wax Mistake, continued

2009-08-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

so there i was, standing in the nunnery kitchen with a back that would make a baby say, "damn i need to shave my behind". i was smiling more because the pain was over. my skin was rosy red and starting to inflame. of course the blood was still squirting because every open pore was like a busted door in the jail cell of grahamskin prison. ESCAPE!

i thought i was done. no problem here. then nomi looked at me and said, "well now its weird because your back is bald and your chest is full"

then the discussion of waxing my chest was hot on everyone's minds. except mine of course. no no no no no nono noooooo i pleaded but they kept arguing for it. eva and nomi were CERTAIN that if they just wax off the top corners then it wold look so much better. i, knowing the ways of the chest hairs, KNEW this was a bad idea. the idea of a unnatural line across the top of the chest hair was the worst idea ever. because it would look so out of place. people would see it and say, "well i know thats not natural, did he wax only part of it....to try to shape it? what a freak!"

however, they wouldnt budge on their foolish idea and insisted i was wrong. "it would look so much better if those top corners were gone..." thollander decides to chime in by siding with the idiot ladies.

"COME ON! THOLLANDER! you know damn well that this is a horrible idea!" i yelled

"oh yeah, most definitely" he replied

i hate thollander because all he wants is misery in my life. nomi and eva were just foolish but thollander knew better!

finally i cracked and decided to let them wax the top corners so they would KNOW that they were wrong and i was right. and they would finally see how STUPID it was going to look. nomi was giddy as she was nuking the lava wax. hated life i did.

as she applied the liquid death to my chest, any sort of endorphins that were running through my adrenaline filled body were exhausted during the back episode. the pain was so much worse. she ripped away. stood back. and busted out laughing because of how dumb it looked. OF COURSE IT LOOKS DUMB! i called it. i would love to say i won this argument but i feel i lost since chest hairs were ripped from my body.

i wanted to leave it. i was done. this was so stupid.

but nomi's peer pressure kicked in again and at this point, i wasnt thinking clearly at all. i was a mess. im pretty sure she had in mind that she was going to take on my whole chest inch by inch.

"theres that little part in the middle that pops out above your shirt, let me get that at least.."

fine. whatever. dammit.

she ripped throat.

everyone is laughing at this point as i go to the mirror to assess the situation. was it halloween? my chest looked like a hideous heart. this asymmetrical line that ran across the top of my chest signified the level of hatred i had in my body. when people say, "ive had it up to here!" they have to make some indicator with their hand but this is never an accurate portrayal. i, on the other hand, had a distinct line that you could see.

coincidentally, it was the same level of dignity that id lost.

this looked horrible. i had to think quickly for a way to redeem this tragedy. uhh, lets make it into a joke! we need to make it look horrible so people know its a joke rather than onlookers trying to figure out what the hell i was doing because NO ONE shapes their chest hair!

i act as if i walk around with my shirt popped off all the time and this would be a serious problem BUT nonetheless, if i find myself at the beach soon, then i want to be prepared to impress all the beach babes that have augustinian metaphysics.

in my stupor, i threw out the suggestion of taking away my sternum! TAKE IT AWAY! whatever, we needed to make it look obvious that it was not serious! ANYTHING! nomi's vietnamese hands (she isnt vietnamese, she just has vietnamese hands....apparently...ask her) stoked my zaftig chest with hot dripping wax. my sternum was covered. the density of the sternum forest was impressive....one could get lost in there....dreams fulfilled.

she grabbed the waxing strip and yanked upwards to the sky. now, my back was a bleeder but my chest apparently is hemophiliac. wow, it seemed like every single pore was ready to BLEED! and bled it did. it was miserable. and to make things worse, my sternum forest was apparently quite resilient like my phoenix wings. because nomi had to go over that spot at least 4 times. great.

we got done and took a look at the "progress". it was horrible. i had two perfect square patches of hair on each titte brother. although the "joke" was the objective, it seemed like attaining it wasnt satisfactory. i looked/felt like an idiot. thollander was quite pleased with this new look of mine.

the parts of my chest that were waxed were already WAY WORSE than my back and honest, my tattoo was less painful than this. i really didnt expect there to be so much blood stowed away behind the skin of my chest. i already knew my pectorals werent muscle but i just assumed the cavity was filled with some sort of semi-solid carbohydrate, not blood. but i guess im learning something new everyday.

so im standing in the kitchen with nomi, eva, and matt around me laughing at me. i really wish someone could see in the window because they would have seen what looked like a shirtless rhinoceros standing in the middle of a laughing parade. clearly being mocked for its rotund figure.....and of course its abnormal hair growth.

after several HOURS(minutes) of debating...we finally decided to just go ahead and take the rest of the chest off. i was really reluctant but gave in to the three's recommendation. i sat down and nomi proceeded to heat up the wax once again.

she painstakingly worked her way down my chest. loving every minute of it. and by "painstakingly" i mean, she was working hard and i was receiving all the pain. she approached the hair around my nipplez and was delicately working her way around my nipple as to avoid the potential of a nipple removal. i have to hand it to my chest...it LOVED its hairs. it fought good and hard to keep the hairs but after the 3-4 times nomi had to go over the same spots, the chest would cry blood for each hair. EACH HAIR.

nomi was getting impatient with the need for a tedious nipple application so i just saw her stare at my nipple, touch the outside of it with the wax application strip, hesitate, and then just smear a big glop of wax across my nipple. well clearly she didnt want to bother with it anymore. luckily it wasnt ripped off. because, you know, as a guy, i really need those and all.

so the event was finally in its closing and i felt great. "great" means "waves of shame" in this context. i hate my life.

this was a few weeks ago and my back is still covered in red bumps. awesome.

The Wax Mistake

2009-07-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

look, ive done a lot of stupid things. my portfolio has an array of memories that range from countless visits to the hospital to one fateful visit to a prison for a "scared straight" program. warning: the video thats linked features a guy whos favorite word is the f-word. so mom, dont click it...unless you want to live vicariously through your 15 year old son.

regardless of the slew of idiotic choices ive made, the decision i made a couple weeks ago might go down in the "do not do that again" book. which is really full by the way. however, surprisingly "go to prison for a scared straight program" is not in the book. the best part of that day was that the leader of the scared straight program or the 'prison tour guide' was more imaginative and frightening than any of the prisoners. he would describe brutal scenarios and start sentences with "now, if I were a prisoner..." and then we all ate at dennys on the way back. it was awesome. remember the good times, pito? oh, you hate me and regret our friendship? well thats a shame.

back to the story:

it all started when we were discussing our trip to the lake. oh, this is in vancouver by the way. ill return to raleigh, nc stories after this but i really feel i should interject and share this gem. as i was pondering on the subject of sunscreen, i started giggling at the idea that when asking someone to put some on my back, i would have to preface that said volunteer would have to run their fingers through a few "trouble areas" on my back. the trouble areas are certain islands of unwanted hairs. now, before you think i have a body sweater, my trouble areas are not dense rainforests so whatever. my trouble areas include: phoenix wings, bat wings, rib cage fur, and the infamous lower back mat.

for those that are ignorant in the ways of body hair, ill explain each zone so you get a picture of the "party pads". the phoenix wings are hairs that are coming out of the traps in the attempt to provide the ability to fly. bat wings are the upper arm hairs that are the complete opposite of the rest of my arm. if i have a t-shirt on, the arm hairs that are exposed are short, blonde, and growing downward. however, if im at a dance party and things get "wild", then i might pop that sucker off to let my body breath. once that happens, the upper arms reveal longer, darker, and strangely anti-gravity upward growing hairs. unattractive.

the rib cage fur and the infamous lower back mat seem self explanatory. they need to go as well.

eva, who im trying not to clown as much, intelligently and eloquently suggested, "nomi could wax those off for you."

i, whose complete attention was drawn to the cartoonish amount of lettuce in her hair, almost missed her suggestion. not only was i impressed that her attention span lasted through my 30 second explanation of my "trouble areas", but that she would offer some help on the matter.

ridiculous waxing is. thats why i said yes.

nomi, was completely in agreement to this idea because of her sick obsession to either inflict pain on me or let pain happen with no effort of hers to stop it. shes a real meany. yeah thats right, 100% mean, nothing good about her. i hate her. she is the worst. or in the gillan/fresh fashion: she is the ruiner. see, the best part about nomi is that this paragraph is FULL of compliments and nice things but noooooo she will only notice the negative things. silly girl.

so the week preceding the lake trip, nomi and i kept missing a chance to wax my roly-poly flesh. i was crammed with work and didnt have the energy to wake up early. i was up late every night studying HARD with thollander at the grind. and no this was not an appropriately named late night dance club. late night dance club? are their mid-morning dance clubs? im off topic.

the waxing festivities didnt occur in time for the trip. so i strutted my stuff, hair and all, on the beach. the cold, cloudy, lake beach. good times:

we ended the laketimes and arrived back at the nunnery where we lamented that i didnt wax my back for the trip. the day was relatively early so we decided to do it then. great idea! false.

as i popped my shirt off which made michelle blush, thollander laugh, and eva throw up, nomi was microwaving the wax.

thollander and i pleaded with michelle to allow me to lay on the kitchen table for this experiment, she was firm in her sanitary principles and didnt budge. well, the kitchen floor is a close second.

i was ready and happy to rid my back of hairs that served no fashion purpose. i mean honestly, why are they there!?

from the looks of this picture, one might conclude that i dont have a serious hair problem. well thats why my back hairs were elite...they were sneaky in appearance and a victim was clueless until it was too late. "i didnt see anything but something just grazed my face!!" says the victim. terrible.

nomi immediately put her game face on and her "no bullshit, true professional" attitude kicked in as she began to prep me. by prep me, i mean, she told me it was going to hurt.

as she spread the first dollop of wax, or hot lava, my body convulsed as the boiling liquid scalded my skin. "THATS SO HOT!" i squealed. nomi, knowing her sadist nature, probably heated the wax up to an unnecessary temperature just to spite me. the picture below shows the application of the lava wax as well as thollander pointing to my beard, suggesting it should be waxed off as well. jackass.

she ripped away the first strip. and luckily, it wasnt that bad. the spreading of the hot wax was actually way worse than the tear away. for those that know me, know then when pain is upon me, my reaction is to uncontrollably laugh. if im not laughing then two things have occurred: 1) it didnt really hurt or 2) im unconscious

so my high pitched, out of control giggling and out loud laughter began to fill the ears of everyone within a mile radius of the house. nomi had no idea what to do and this really didnt help her professional attitude. her character of being the tough serious pro was quickly broken.

now before you ask, "is she wearing pants?", ill go ahead and answer that. NO!

nomi lives by a few peculiar life guidelines:

a) makes sure to mention that shes from israel in every conversation

b) go to every star trek convention

c) argue that if dogs, who have souls, could talk then it would completely change the relationship however it wouldnt really matter to us since they speak hebrew

d) never wear pants

regent college has been very tolerant of her unique lifestyle and there is actually a special part of orientation dedicated to "nomi preparation" to inform the new students.

now, if you ask her about this photo, she will argue "NO! graham is a liar, i AM wearing shorts but you just cant see them because of my long shirt and the way i was sitting!!" just to appease her, just nod and say, "of course nomi, of course" although we all know she constantly lies and never wears pants.

as nomi was ruthlessly ripping my hairs out, there were a couple immediate problems.

1) my hair, especially my phoenix wings were true fighters. real hardcore hairs that held their ground with the utmost strength and endurance. this meant that not all the hairs tore out so a second and sometimes third and fourth try was needed.

2) the hairs that DID get ripped out decided to leave holes in my skin which obviously was an invitation for blood to escape.

so not only did nomi go over the same spots 3-4 times, but those very spots were bleeding. and let me tell you, hot wax on open wounds IS SO PLEASING!! nomi really knew what i wanted in life. as nomi strategically worked her way down my back, she arrived at the infamous lower back mat which she requested a "helping hand" to hold my pants down. eva-saurus rex offered her claw for the job. so this is by far the most incriminating picture of all three of us:

note the redness where the phoenix wings formally flourished.

the entire time, michelle was heartbroken as if she was watching a torture scene however it was so mesmerizing that she couldnt resist. thollander was yelling out tips for nomi such as: "yeah go over that spot again, im pretty sure you missed a hair", "nomi, im pretty sure it works better if you pull the strip slower" or "the wax is cooling, you should nuke it more". makana provided professional photography.

the back was done and i looked great. by great, i mean my entire back was red, inflamed and covered in dots of blood. but i was smooth...thats what matter, right? the objective was successfully completed but the plan took a wrong turn and what happened next, i truly regret...

to be continued.

TRIFECTA PICTURES

2009-07-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

ok, so i found a shoe box under my bed that said:

DO NOT OPEN unless you a) like to party or b) you want to go down memory lane

after 3 sandwiches, 2 baths, and a nap (not including the 2 naps i had in the bath tub), i finally answered both a and b because i couldnt choose just one.

i found pictures of the TRIFECTA: me, jeffron the immortal, spago

jeffron climbin' sexy graham and spagy:

oh hey! summer dresses, summer lovin', summer secrets:

bath time with jeff-kitty:

p.s. these pictures are 100% real. no funny business.

NC Summer '09: of what i can remember about raleigh

2009-07-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

raleigh, nc aka the city of oaks is full of great people. i wish to meet those people because all i know are the CLOWNS in that city. however, this fits perfect because from the evidence of this blog alone, you know that im a clown too. a sexy clown. a clown that doesnt have to buy make up because the food that i store on my face (so i dont have to walk all the way back to the refrigerator) acts as a professional concealer that successfully scares children.

the first night in raleigh was pretty special because i was met with a warm welcome. it all started when i went to the morning times, a lovely little coffee shop that is a hang out/place of employment for a lot of my friends. its kinda like 'the max' in saved by the bell but with more awkward touching and less ac slater crotch shots. who am i kidding...jeffron the immortal alone makes up for the 'crotch shot quota' that every team should have. i would proceed to link a picture of ac slater sitting backwards in a chair as he always did in the beloved teen show however google images have failed me. so this ice cold businessman looking to get fresh with YOU will have to suffice.

i cant believe there arent thousands of pictures of ac slater in a backwards chair...there sure were a lot of these, but who the hell cares!?

so i arrived at the morning times and ol' jeffey poo was working hard (and lookin' great) as usual. we lock eyes, and run to each other in the typical slow-mo fashion that you see in various rom coms. well obviously the world just doesnt cut to slow-mo to accommodate to a romantic moment but my lethargic stumble of a run made it look like it did. mission accomplished.

side note: i just realized how lax i am with the use of "mission accomplished". it seems like either everyday activities are missions or that i have no idea what a mission really is.

spago was there as well so the trifecta was BACK IN ACTION. when i was living in raleigh, jeffron, spago, and i formed the sexiest trifecta in all of the southeast. here is a little step by step progression to illustrate the sexiness/awesomeness of the grahamjeffronspago trifecta:

warm:

warmer:

HOT SAUCE:

ok i am thoroughly disappointed in my graphic design skills. upon realizing that there were no 'trifecta' pictures, i decided to make my own awesome picture using a simple program on the computers. and hour and a half later, i have failed like non other. ive downloaded 3 'ms paint' wanna-bes for mac and 2 have failed and 1 is too good for me apparently.

im really pissed off. this is the only thing i hate about macs: THERS NO MS PAINT. with ms paint, i was a MASTER! michelangelo (the artist and the teenage mutant ninja turtle) would fall on the ground to worship the art i would create with the ms paint! but with the mac, nnooooooooooo im left with other means to eventually fail. WHAT THE HELL IS A LAYER!! AND WHY CANT I SELECT THEM BOTH! whatever, im probably just completely dense and my graphic design friends are probably giggling like little school dweebs while muttering, "omg i bet he doesnt know the ctrl+alt+f7+leetdragdiack function uh huh huhuhu huhhh" SHUT UP

FURIOUS I AM!

ok whatever, im over it.

so we hang out at the morning times until jeffron got off work around 1030ish or something. we then left and went to a new cool hip bar called the foundation. it was me, jeffron, spago, and courtney. jeffron was drinking his mandatory mountain dew (he has to drink at least 2 liters and/or base jump from one skyscraper a day to keep his sponsorship). i was drinking what sets the foundation apart from other bars: homemade sodas. boom city! homemade gingerale rules hard.

we were only there for a little bit because everyone was going to be meeting at another new hip bar called busy bee. i was so excited that i may or may not have peed a little when thinking about partying hard with all my friends! jeffron left a little early to go back to the morning times to get his bike and said he was going to meet us there. all three places were around the same block so its alllllll gravy baby.

spago, courtney, and i take the short cut down a well lit, spacious, not creepy at all alley. butterflies are battling in my belly as i take each step towards friendville 2k9. wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? is that don don in the flesh waiting to greet me with a big hug (with sweaty palms)?

his mustache glistened in the moonlight as my lethargic stumble started up as if i were running after the remains of a oscar meyer wiener car/ice cream truck collision. the butterflies in my stomach must have found my secret sugar stash in one of the artificial folds in my stomach (the ones that i had surgically put in for "future famine" reasons) because they went into extreme flutter mode and popped my belt and pant buttons off.... weird.

so there i was, running towards ol' don don with my pants quickly falling to my ankles. now, a lot of you are probably wondering..."why were his pants dropping?"

well, i think my steroid butterfly story is fine enough BUT if you need more info, well IM SORRY! the excitement and thrill of the night was so overwhelming that everything was hazy!

but honestly, who WOULDNT drop trou? i mean look at him!

as i reached him, we embraced in a brotherly love hug. it. was. magic.

then immediately, he shoved me off like i was covered in mayonnaise! (likely, but i checked, i wasnt)

whats the deal, DON DON!??

then a bunch of my friends jumped out from every nook and cranny that alley had to offer with water balloons in their hands.

IT WAS A TRAP!!!

solid move sending don don to be the bait....they knew i couldnt resist.

as im getting pummeled by water balloons, i realized that maybe my pants being down around my ankles wasnt nearly as helpful as i thought they would be. i was like a sitting duck frantically shimmering in circles as i was bathing in what i hope was just water. i managed to catch one balloon and CREAM jeffron the immortal whos "hey, im gonna go get my bike, ill meet you at busy bee" really meant "hey, im gonna leave you early so i can get you wet"

side note for nomi: note that 'get you wet' did NOT have a wink wink following it SO quit thinking what i know you are thinking. perv.

they eventually ran out of ammo and they all celebrated as if they won the game winning point in a volleyball game. nerds.

my iphone and mom's cellphone were soaked. oh no. i take them out and them off to the nearest dry hands. the iphone is fine but my moms screen was all white. aaaaawwwweeeesome! i thought mommy deary was going to kill me BUT smart thinking by yours truly, i took the battery out and let it dry up for a day. the following day, it worked perfectly! GRAHAM - 1 CELL PHONE WATER DAMAGE - 0!!!!1111onewoneleven

after that, we all went to busy bee to hang out, laugh, touch, taste, etc. we were on the back patio and it was a lovely night to sit outside completely soaking. there was another group of partiers on the patio.....a 21st birthday to be exact. it was a group of loud OMG whooooo girls and the birthday girl was wearing a crown that said "buy me a drink im 21". which i read as, "do something stupid to me". so i did that.

i walked up, and told her i was going to get her a drink. she whoooed, i gringed, and went on my way to the bar. my friend tori was working so i knew i could get something for free AND the idea in my mind wouldnt cost them much.

i told the bartender that i wanted a big glass full of EVERY SINGLE non-alcoholic liquid he had back there. so he proceeded to put in every mixer, every soda, every fruit, every energy drink, every damn thing he had! it was unbelievable. unbelievably high in sugar content.

i walked up to mary ashley ashleigh (i assume that was her name) and gave her the cool beverage. she asked what it was and i said, "oh, the famous suicide version 2.0". i then waited, stared, smiled with my hands under my chin as she took her sip of every taste imaginable.

"mmmm pretty good!" she said.

"really? i mean, yeah, of course its good!" i replied in shock.

"whats in it?" she curiously inquired

"oh, everything the bar had, except alcohol" i said truthfully

"EWWW NO! im NOT gonna drink it!!" she responded with an alcoholic fury

i wish i didnt say anything and made her drink the whole thing. she gave the drink back and we all had a sip. it was so sweet that the back of your eyes hurt after more than one sip.

thats enough for now. more about raleigh later.

oh ps there is a video of the water balloon attack that hopefully ill get my hands on soon.

NC Summer '09: picture...

2009-07-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

that sums up the ashleigh/justin wedding weekend:

more extreme version

NC Summer '09: of what i can remember about winston

2009-07-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

after having to drop cargo to get the plane off the ground to accommodate to my needs, i left north carolina. i arrived in vancouver only to be in the library full time to write two papers for my book of Daniel class. success! i wrote two 10 pages papers in 5 days. (research, writing, everything). unfortunately i didnt have time to do the wanted illustrations for the papers. maybe next time. after turning those in, i had a couple days to catch my breathe. this was when i wrote part one of the NC adventures. immediately after that, i was full time in the library as well writing my two papers for theology of culture. success. finished on time!

NOW, im free until my next class starting the 27th. so i have time to write in my private journal inconveniently published on a public internet websitepage on a dot com. so i might just have to write about a couple highlights in NC because i have the short term memory of a goldfish.

WINSTON-SALEM:

winston was great because i got to ride my premium cafe racer. 1964 triumph bonneville t120r. riding that around town was so great and i can hardly explain the feeling of riding something that you built from the ground up. flying down the highway knowing that ive touched and tasted every bolt on that machine is both exhilarating and completely terrifying because im not a professional so i could explode without warning. well i guess my amateur mechanic abilities would be warning enough...

winston was full of hanging out with friends and family. erik and i surpassed our rom com quota with ease. for those that dont know what a rom com is, well its the movie genre: romantic comedy.

if i remember correctly, erik loves the rom coms over the com roms but the com roms beat out the rom drams however the com drams would be a strong contender if they hadnt died out in the late 90s.

erik and i (buddies for life):

me, erik, blake, stacey:

garrett wasnt there that evening but i cant forget him because i got to hang with him a lot. this is garrett. i dont know what hes doing in this picture...but note that he thinks covering 10% of his shirt is good enough to protect the whole thing:

unfortunately i cant remember any specific adventure but i do remember having an awesome 100% of the time with all my friends.

oh wait, in winston, i ran into my friend rachel who i went to high school with. she was getting married so my friend patrick and i decided to join their bachelorette party. we fit it well. it was good to hang with some of my high school buddies that i hadnt seen in a while.

here is sarada, me, katie, patrick, kristen, rachel:

they were playing some bachelorette card game that had 'dares' or some odd request on each card. i didnt really know this until from across the bar i hear from rachels mouth, "GRAHAM!! how would you like to spank your mother!?"

appalled i was.

but then i realized what she meant. in high school, rachel was the girl that looked after us with a motherly love SO i called her 'mom'. and no she didnt constantly spank me when i misbehaved in high school BUT this night, she wanted me to spank her. at first, i thought she had lost her mind but she explained that the card told her to. and as we all know, we can never not do something that a little card tells us to do. just a rule of life really.

i decided to give her the whole 'sympathetic dad' routine by telling her that "this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you". well let me tell you.

my joke turned into a reality when i was crying the entire time i open hand slapped her fanny. (the 'fanny' part will only be hilarious to people from the UK or australia as 'fanny' means something completely different than the innocent north american definition of someone's rear end)

now, those that know me personally (hopefully john milbank soon), know that though i feel emotions, i do NOT cry. so when i say that i was crying when i spanked my 'mom', suspicion arises from the validity of the story. well children of modernity, i have EMPIRICAL evidence that will prove the said event:

i cried. she laughed. well everyone laughed. except my real mom upon viewing this picture. im sure i will get a nice little email about decency and chivalry soon. awesome.

"graham! i cant believe you would disgrace our family by letting your hand graze a woman's fanny! i have developed a 5 point essay about common decency for the 21st century called 'janice's tips on finding the donna reed in all of us'..."

ill make sure to post the email when i get it.

OH!!! speaking of emails, i got one from my mother explaining the whole 'all the way' incident.

my email to her:

"hey mom,

remember that first night i was back in NC when you, dad, martha, and i were eating at midtown cafe and were messing with that waitress. and you said, "he dated the owners daughter....they went all the way". now according to the standard definition of 'all the way', katie and i DIDNT have sex...much less kissed. SO as ive been telling this hilarious story to my friends, im trying to figure out what you meant by 'all the way' because even if you did know the definition, and the circumstances were true, i know you would NEVER share that information in a public conversation so nonchalantly. SOOOO clearly you have another definition of 'all the way' and im curious to what you mean.

love, graham"

her response:

"Oh Graham

I am so sorry that you are telling the Midtown waitress story with miscontrued information. I NEVER said that you and Katie went "all the way!" My gosh, I would never say that to anyone.....plus, I would be COMATOSE if I thought y'all went all the way in the 8th grade....

What I said was that "y'all went all the way back to grade school!! However, with the interrupters we have in our family, that last part of my sentence probably never made it out; and if it did, it was probably drowned out by these rude family interrupters and critics. Does this make sense? Golly, next time I say something that you think is out of character for me, PLEASE ask me about it so that you don't misquote me or even worse, get the wrong impression of me.

Love, Mom

PS. My definition of "all the way" is the same as yours."

well im glad we got that cleared up. however not before i saw katie during rachel's bachelorette party and told her what my mom said. we had a good laugh.

JOHN MILBANK

2009-07-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

i am free now. thats right, due to my 'good behavior', i was released from the sticky constraints of the library. and by 'good behavior', i mean, all-nighters with thollander at the grind coffee shop...a cute little 24/7 cafe. im sure they are glad that we are done with our papers too because of the now absent discussions of ontology, ecclesiology, eschatology, etc that filled the air. one of the papers i had to turn in was about JOHN MILBANK and his ECCLESIOLOGY or the fact that ecclesiology is need of some more thinkin' through.

i capitalized his name so he could find it easier when he googles his name and my blog comes up as a result. i got this idea from my friend who has a "serious" blog and posted about tim keller, an author and the pastor of redeemer presbyterian church in nyc. i say "serious" because hers isnt like mine where 90% of the post are about mayonnaise and/or my affinity for adult pajamas. well, tim keller responded on her post which led to the conclusion that he googled his name and her blog came up as a recent result.

SO john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, john milbank, (i assume that the more frequent use of the name will make it show up at the top of the google results)

john milbank is responsible of my excruciating headache tuesday morning between 5am and 6am. i was sweating in my sheets, and the pain was so bad that it made me throw up. it as pure CRAP! and it was the last thing i wanted in celebration of my papers being complete. i blame john milbank's vague and drawn out writing style. theres a big difference between academic writing that is just over your head and poor writing that is unable to convey the appropriate message. john milbank falls in the latter...sorry brother. dont get me wrong, he had some really good stuff to say BUT there were also a lot of inconsistencies....and im pretty sure he made up a few words. SO JOHN MILBANK! if you googled your name, a) you can email me at: fatflanagan@gmail.com to say hey, tell me how your day was, and explain your ecclesiology. AND then ill send you my paper and you can tell me if im right or wrong.

and b) i just really want a theologian to stumbled across my blog to only be completely confused on why some clown that writes dumb stories is critiquing his theology. hilarious. to me. not to him.

SO IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST AND YOU ARE NOT JOHN MILBANK, THEN IM SORRY, BECAUSE THIS WAS AN EXCLUSIVE POST FOR JOHN MILBANK.

key words: john milbank, radical orthodoxy, mayonnaise, ecclesiology, eschatology, king hippo, augustine, bro-zone lair, "sir, youre making a scene"

NC Summer '09 part 1

2009-07-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

so im sitting in a coffee shop. typical. however, get ready for the change up....im in a coffee shop in NORTH CAROLINA. raleigh to specific. helios....a coffee shop that i used to stomp when i lived in raleigh. i arrived, said hey and hugged my friend cameron who was working and proceeded to get an iced chai and a carrot cake cupcake for FREE! i figure this is a good time to start writing about my adventures in NC. i arrived about 2 weeks ago. so i have lots to say which means that its going to be a quick overview since ive forgotten everything. useless brain.

soooo for those that know, know that i was on some sort of track towards reaching the ever-so-desired goal of a summer bod. i was sorta working out with iain and thollander and sorta eating healthy. i stress the 'sorta' because i have been putting 'eating cinnamon rolls' in both of those summer bod categories. laugh all you want haters, but eating cinnamon rolls is HARD WORK! especially if the cinnamon roll is attached to the back of a grizzly bear's neck. fear = weight loss

regardless of any twisted summer bod track, my decision to visit north carolina was a disgusting surrender of self respect. when i stepped off the plane, the southern humidity, that engulfed my body, made the chore of salivating part of the past. my mouth opened with no remorse as i shoved any deep fried thing within arms length in my mouth. long story short: i have gained weight since ive been back.

evidence: i recently lost half of my suit in a traveling disaster to the dry cleaners. again, long story short: there is a bus driver in vancouver who is wearing premium suit pants. anyways, because of this i had to purchase a sexy euro cut suit. i bought it in vancouver a week before i left for north carolina and if fit perfectly. however, at the wedding i went to last weekend....the pant pockets were rendered useless as my muffin top hung over and down to my knees. breathing was not an option.

i have been to two wedding thus far and i also had to unfortunately miss one because there were two scheduled on the same day. the first wedding was located in hendersonville, nc....a small mountain town.

so i wrote that first part a couple weeks ago in raleigh, nc. now i am in vancouver AND not only that, i turned in my papers yesterday so i have SOME free time to a) sleep b) party c) dream about partying d) write in the blog. what about eating? oh, well that goes without saying....every possible free time activity will ALWAYS be coupled with eating. does anyone think about eating humans? no? ok, well whatever.

so where was i....oh, hendersonville, nc. the bride and groom were from this quaint little town and we just had a lovely dovely bubbly time there. the highlight of trip, no offense to the bride/groom, was our little visit in a particularly creative custom t-shirt shop. though the wedding was amazing and i had TONS of fun.....this t-shirt store had the "x-factor". it gave me butterflies in my stomach, my face was sore from smiling, and my whole body was tingling from the essence of this place of commerce. granted, darius' heavy breathing on the back of my neck may have added to the sensation but nonetheless, this store was special. and by 'special', i mean, state fair quality.

three dominate shirt themes were: god, alcohol, and patriotism. and sometimes (somehow) all three were having a little tea party on one shirt. one of my favorite poetic shirt employed alliteration in communicating the message of the shirt: "god, guns, and girls: what else does a guy need?"

my answer: class.

however, im pretty sure there was sign on the front door that said, "leave you fuckin' class at the door!" so i guess the shirt was in the clear according to the set standards.

darius and i witness the most hilarious and sad exchange ever. a large american male, and by large i mean, large by american standards. instead of the simple "yes" to the question, "would you like to supersize that?", this man's response would be "hell yeah, and ill take another for the road"

so this man was walking with a shirt that he painstakingly picked out that was an irish themed XXXL that read: "LET'S GET READY TO STUMBLE!?" while strutting through the store to show off his wise choice, another toothless male walked by and said, "ohh nice shirt man!". the large man acknowledged the well deserved compliment and continued on his path. then he provided an audible declaration to himself, and no one else. "i LOVE alcohol!" darius and i watched as this self affirmation occurred and were completely amiss as this man chose to vocally express what a simple inner monologue would have achieved.

after this lovely experience, i walked into the back section of the store. there were....paintings? weird, but i decided to take a gander knowing i would probably run into a portrait of either jesus or robert e lee. ohhhhhh whats this!? my eyes lock on one particular canvas that had more vibrant colors on it than an american apparel shop. is that a white man riding a horse with a sword coming out of his mouth? YES! IVE STUMBLED UPON THE SECOND COMING DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF REVELATION!!!! mind you, that 'stumble' was not a reference to that large male's shirt in the previous paragraph. i didnt know i was able to feel the same sensation for another painting as i did with darius the free but this painting was absolutely unbelievable. feast your eyes on this bad boy:

view larger size here

bonus: the owner of the store was the one that painted it. to this day, i regret not buying it. i really blew it on this one.

some special features of this painting:

1) the anger steam coming out of the horse's nostrils

2) heaven is a constant game of jacks under a rainbow

3) jesus opts for golden cowboy boots for apocalyptic adventures

4) is a that a double-sided lightsabre?

5) im pretty sure jesus has cancer if the playground myth of "if your hand is bigger than your face then you have cancer" is true. however, jesus, being all-knowing, wouldnt get tricked into getting hit in the face by his own hand.....so nice try childhood bullies!

BACK IN VANCOUVER

2009-07-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

ok, this is just going to be a very short post to let everyone know that i am not dead. for the longest time, ive been SO DAMN BUSY THAT COME ON SOMEONE GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE

summer school was incredibly nuts. all i had time for was read and eat used mayonnaise packets. ok, i dont know why "used mayonnaise packets" came to my mind because fresh, full mayonnaise packets would be the most logical (and deliciously nutritious) choice....but whatever, dont tread on this mind of imagination!

so after summer school classes, i went to NORTH CAROLINA for 3 weeks where i hung out with friends and gained weight. i will soon write professional non-fiction stories about my visit to the great state of north carolina. but now, im back in vancouver and have to be in the library 24/7 because my planning skills were far from ideal and are not envied by the organized.

the way summer school works is that the work/reading/research/writing are all due 6 weeks after the last day of class. however, my body was squatin' fresh vibes in the north carolinas and NOT doing any work. foolish graham. (send pity money immediately)

SO i am going to have to cram for the next few weeks trying to get everything done. therefore, i am here to tell you that i am back from my hiatus only to enter into a new hiatus because with the amount of work i have to do...blogging might be infrequent. BUT who knows, maybe ill have get a second breath one day and blooog about NC ADVENTURE TIMES.

teaser time-

one north carolina quote:

"he dated the owner's daughter in 8th grade........and they went all the way!" - my mom, to the waitress at a restaurant that my friend's dad owns.

the 'he' in that sentence is me. and NO, the information that my mom so nonchalantly shared is NOT true. im pretty sure she had no idea what she was talking about.

GREAT MOM!

An American Day

2009-05-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

im sitting in my beloved Grounds for Coffee with a full cup of coffee and IM PISSED OFF! and ill tell you exactly why im pissed off. i, graham bennett, just got STOOD UP! 10 seconds ago.

heres the story...

im just hanging around my apartment (i woke up at 12:15pm by the way) just looooouuuuunging. checking emails, looking at facesbooks, and listening to some sweet jams. i walk over to the fridge and stare at a plate of tomatoes and some carrots and just wondering to myself, "what the hell am i going to do with those?"

i could make a sandwich i guess.....with cheese, tomatoes and carrots? oh wait, i dont have any bread. great. CEREAL! ill have CEREAL! cereal never fails, especially if you rock some fruity pebbles. oh wait, no milk. great.

just then, iain and suzie called. now usually that would sound weird because how could two people operate one phone? well thats just what they do....its weird. iain listens, and then tells suzie, and then suzie talks. they had to get the old zach morris phone in order to fit their heads on it. sweet? far from it.

the conversations last forever because ill say, "hey" and then i can hear iain tell suzie, but suzie usually says, "oh babes, i heard him, but i like when you tell me" and iain will respond, "oh ok good because i really like being just the ear in this phone operation and relaying the message....i feel really cool."

so this usually occurs after everything i say.

anyways, 30 minutes later, the plan was to meet at Grounds for Coffee and hang out....EXTREME STYLE!

so goody, yay, i get to go party!

while im walking down to Grounds for Coffee, im listening to bands like: the minor times, this or the apocalypse, and trap them to get AMPED for devouring cinnamon rolls and politicking about everyday adventures and/or life lessons.

once i arrived, i ordered a medium coffee and a cinnamon roll with icing. the cashier lady then says, "so are you starting to make this a daily routine?"

oh no. i come to this place all the time and they finally caught on and are now concerned with my wellbeing. i respond with, "yeah, im trying to get diabetes by the end of the week."

this wont be hard.

she hands me the coffee and the sugary poison cake...instantly, waves of shame began to penetrate my particularly zaftig body. i sit down, and consume while waiting for the scottish duo to arrive. then i get a call and they inform me that "our plans dont match up"

what?! what the hell does that mean!!??

i was so confused because it was THEIR idea to meet up and hang out. this crushed me. i feel like buying a second cinnamon roll with EXTRA icing to quench my sorrows. who am i kidding....ive already had two...

anyways, they decided to bail on me. this is CRAP! i hate iain and suzie and my hatred to them will just spread to an irrational hatred towards all scotsmen. NEVER trust a scottish person! their mouths are full of gross lies and their hearts are full of poisonous spiders.

whatever, im over it...we will probably hang out later (probably a sleep over or something)....i just said all that to let you know that i turned a bad into a good! as usual, because im awesome, and i live life TO DA MAX!

TIME TO BLOG!! (that was the good outcome of being stood up if you didnt catch on....get with it)

ill tell you about a fun day i had last week with a gaggle of friends. the Incredible Delicious Insightful Open Team Sexy and i went to seattle for the day...mainly to "be american". our choices were intentional and well thought out. it was gini's bday and she wanted people to be awesome and go to an american baseball game.

heres the team:

we meet at the nunnery at 9ish? i think. and we started out way (with two cars full of sexy individuals) to seattle! we immediately hit traffic with other motorist interested in entering the united states of america for some good times. nomi informed us of a premium short cut that would take us on a side road to another border crossing. the side road pooped us out almost at the front of the line. apparently it was "poor form" to turn into the line via this side road. by "poor form" i mean there was a big sign that said NO RIGHT TURNS! but someone let us in anyways.....half of us felt bad, half of us let the glory of beating the system tickle our insides.

we arrive to the border and present our valid passports containing horrible pictures of everyone. the mister man with a badge (and probably a gun) asked us how long we were in canada, since we didnt have canadian passports. very perceptive. i like that.

luke responds by informing this gentleman that we were studying theology at regent college. to which the officer asked if we studied greek. i hadnt. AND NEVER WILL!

luke said yes. which trapped him the officers web of investigation. the officer starts speaking in greek and i immediately start thinking that if luke doesnt know what hes saying then he will catch us in OUR DARK LIES!!! well we werent lying BUT THE COPPERHEAD COULD THINK THAT!

luke recognizes what he was saying and enthusiastically answers, "john 1!"

that was a close one.

the officer gets giddy as well and they start talking greek/studying/being awesome. then another officer comes up and yells, "alright chatty cathy! you cant keep talking to every car!"

SO WE MADE IT THROUGH! and the officer didnt even know i was smuggling in THOUSANDS of canadian treats in my pockets. fooooooools.

as we near seattle, we give the other car a shout to see where they are. unfortunately they didnt take the side road cheat and were only just through the border. they were so far behind. fooooooools.

however, we couldnt get into the stadium because gini (who was driving the other car) had all the tickets. so we decided to spend our time at a starbucks. i think i need to define that 'we'. our team, team winners, included nomi, luke, makana, and me.

time passed.

the other team, 'team interesting smells', arrived and we were granted access to the stadium. we had nose bleeds which was great because we had a birds eye view of the field. let the american day begin! well i guess it began earlier, whatever, shut up.

the day was perfect as we were enjoying the american baseball. moments later, the american foods started to pour in. we had american hotdogs with american ketchup and american mustard, american coca-cola classic, american fries with way too much american garlic on them. it was so delicious and any sort of attempt at achieving a sexy summer bod in canada that week was annulled (the tasty kind) by my decisions in america.

oooooooook it is currently june 16th and i havent touched this blog since may 24th. this is bologna. i started this post so long ago and then school started with INTENSE reading and i was so swamped. on top of the school work, i was helping out with a play so that took a bunch of my time. anyways, lets see what i can remember and finish this dumb post.

so we were at a baseball game? right.

uhhhh ok that finished and i was filled with food. the mariners won? i think so. on the way back we stopped at a mexican restaurant to eat. ok im over it. PUBLISH.

oh wait, before i publish i WILL say that we stopped at target on the way back and that place is so awesome and canada SUCKS for not having them. i bought so much hanes products that i should officially be sponsored. nomi and i clowned laura for her "injury" pew pew pew (inside joke) and then i hated the ride back because luke and nomi decided to blast kelly clarkson. OK BYE.

My Brother's Wedding: Vietnamese for a day

2009-05-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

i am so far behind in my adventure/suspense thriller/informative/life writing because (ill give you a multiple choice question in order to find out my whereabouts):

is it....

a) ive been on so many awesome adventures

b) ive started summer school

c) im playing a few 'extras' in a play at pacific theater

d) im too busy running/exercising/not eating cinnamon rolls to write

e) all of the above

f) all of the above except for d

g) all of the above except for d, BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

(hint: im eating a cinnamon roll as we speak)

answer: g

ok, i know you are thinking...."hey graham, you big goof, answers f and g are the same". well you would be kinda right in life but totally wrong in multiple choice. i, in my head, asked you to answer the "best" possible answer even if more than one are right. so you failed. unless you answered g, then you win. you win nothing though, sorry. look, i dont know why you are yelling at me right now, it was just a stupid question to inform you where i have been and why my writing hasnt been as frequent. ohhhhhh ok, there it is! i cant believe you just brought that up! IM NOT A MACHINE!!!!! ok, lets just get in the bathtub and cool off......for realz......I SAID IM SORRY!!!!! (no i didnt)

the end.

ok not reallly.

a few weekends ago i went to santa rosa, california to partake in the wedding of my older (and only) brother. this weekend was a unique one. a lot of "firsts" for mr. graham. i was supposed to leave vancouver at 5:15am via quickshuttle at an obscure bus stop that was too far to walk and too early to catch another bus to. so luke, the generous one, decided he would drive me to the bus stop at 5am.

thursday morning came and i wake up to luke frantically yelling my name. it was 6:15am. my alarm didnt go off. shit. i figured out that when i was tired and setting my alarm the night prior, i accidently set it to the PM. what an idiot.

im freaking out because my flight flies out of seattle and not vancouver. why did i do that? SHUT UP. well its just cheaper. the imaginary border in the sky increases the price up all willy nilly like.

like i said, luke, the generous one (i really cant emphasis this enough) decides to drive me all the way to seattle. on the way down, we eat mcdonalds breakfast which i havent done in forever AND to top things off, the mcdonalds in the states (im talking the ones that exist right outside the border, not the south) have sweet tea now!! AND ITS SOMEWHAT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

then we continued to blaze through seattle like two bandits on the run from johnny law! it was exhilarating until johnny law caught up. a particularly zaftig police constable standing beside his official police equipped motorcycle pointed at us and flashed his lights from the side of the highway. we were confused nonetheless but decided to pull over in the slight chance that he in fact wanted to "speak kind words" to us. he thought he was sooooooooo great. and in his "kindness" decided to give us a $93.00 ticket for going 65 in a 60. the only redeeming part was that he started a sentence with: "and if i see you in these parts again...."

i didnt catch the end because everything fell silent when i saw the actual ticket and it did in fact say $93.00 for a 65 in a 60.

what the hell?

then we realized it was april 30th so at the end of the month the copperheads hand tickets out as if they were a flier for a crappy local ska band.

we get to the seattle airport with plenty of time to spare and i arrived in santa rosa safe and sound. a shuttle came to pick me up and i spent the next 7 hours either watching tv in the hotel room, reading, surfing the internets in the hotel lobby, or making friends at the hotel bar while eating the most expensive burger and watching the NBAs. have you ever heard of the NBAs? well its were these giants play basketball with what looks likes a tennis ball made to look like a basketball. the video must have been in fast forward because these giants were so fast. it was wild. we yelled at the television.

finally, the rest of my family arrived that night and was a once again reconciled with my mom, dad, and sister. it was the good times. we visited for a bit but were all pretty tired so we hit the hay pretty quick. i was actually pissed off that the beds were made of hay at this "fancy" hotel we were staying at.

i woke up friday to the most annoying telephone ring in the world as my mother was trying to "rally the troops" to meet for brunch....steve (my own damn brother) was meeting us. along with steve, lynh, his fiance, was coming as well. i was going to meet my future sister-in-law for the first time. yeah thats right....the first time.

lynh is from vietnam. the way steve and lynh got together is very interesting and totally rad. kudos to him because i dont think i could pull it off. so here is the summary of their dating adventure:

steve: california

lynh: vietnam

men and suu: lynh's aunt and uncle in california who are friends with steve

one day men says, "hey steve, do you want to meet my niece?"

steve responds, "sure"

so men gives him her email and steve and lynh start emailing back and forth. this is about 3 years ago or something. the communication progressed to more and more emails and then to phone calls etc etc. they exchanged pictures of each other but had yet to meet in person. so this relationship was based upon pure communication alone. pretty rad.

flash forward to two thanksgivings ago. steve is going to vietnam with men and suu to meet lynh for the first time. crazy. he told me that if everything is the way it is while he was there, theres no reason why he shouldnt get engaged. so they did. we got to see pictures and a video of the event.

event? why was there an event for just an engagement? well thats because we are so used to the american engagements which are private and full of rose petals. the only "public event" would be the newly engaged couple calling everyone they know (or now, just updating their facebook status or twitter)

however, in vietnam.....engagements are a huge deal. and such a huge deal that when martha and i saw the pictures and video, we looked at each other and said in unison, "i think steve is already married"

to this day we have no idea. martha likes to joke that he was vietnam married and not american married. regardless of any sort of marriage status he created in vietnam, i know my mom would not allow a wedding ceremony to occur without her being there.....THUS we had a wedding in california. so either steve had one magnificent engagement ceremony and one wedding OR he had two straight up weddings.....ohhhh the mysteries of life tickle me.

flash forward to me reading an email from my mom after she reads this post:

"graham, steve did NOT get married in vietnam, he only had ONE wedding with his MOTHER there. love, mom p.s. i saw a girl today, i think you should ask her out....im so desperate for you to have a wife, you disappoint me."

anyways, after steve went over there to get engarried (yeah thats engaged and married combined) lynh had to wait like a million years for the stupid green card to come through. so steve had to wait a long time in california for his wifiance (yeah thats wife and fiance combined, whatever im over it, you get the idea)

SO FINALLY!!! WE HAD WEDDING TIME

wait no, before that. this is still friday im talking about...the brunch thingy. well thats not too much to say. i met lynh for the first time and it was a lot of fun. she is a vietnamese babedog with premium AZN fashion. she is 26? martha, correct me on this. i hate being late on my blogs because i cant remember everything.

i DO remember my dad getting really defensive when we were recounting the story when our dog shorty ate a stuffed quail. i wasnt there because of my whole canada situation but i heard through the grape vine (internets) that roy, my sisters dog, started to chew on a stuffed quail that my dad had. then shorty, the elder dog, came in and ate the entire bird...then threw it up bc it was mainly styrofoam. dumb dog. well allegedly, my dad came in, saw the mess and flipped out because shorty has never done anything like this. (i blame shorty's misbehavior on roy's immature lifestyle which is a direct correlation of the poor training skills of the owners)

well according to eye witnesses (my sister and mom), my dad started yelling obscenities and expressing deep disappointment as if shorty was a beloved friend or even child. examples that martha reiterated in a perfect "mad dad" impression:

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH I CANT BELIEVE THIS! YOURE A BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!!........ I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT!"

and then he ignored the dog for a while. so while martha, mom, and i were laughing about this, my dad started to get all buggaboo. super defensive for absolutely no reason and denying any sort of overreaction in his melodramatic response to shorty's ill choice of devouring the stuffed bird. ohhhh and this just made his situation even worse when martha and i pressed the issue so much more and employing hyperbolic devices in reanimating the particular scene. "NO I DIDNT DAMMIT!" yelled father as i, who wasnt even there, insisted. it was great. glad to be with the family again.

friday night dinner highlight:

my brother's friend who my parents just met that day talked about the "dutch oven".....incredible. my parents had no idea which was even better.

the wedding:

was beautiful AND awesome because it was half in english and half in vietnamese. it was the first vietnamese catholic wedding id ever been to. the only sucky thing was that it was raining the entire weekend.

the post-wedding lunch:

after the wedding, everyone and by everyone i mean the entire vietnamese community in santa rosa and then the handful of white people that consisted of me, martha, mom, dad, steve, and a few of steves friends. IT. WAS. AWESOME. though i was part of the wedding, i felt like a spectator the entire time because everything was different. it was so cool to experience another culture's wedding festivities and it only got better and better as the day went on.

like i said, after the wedding, everyone went to men and suu's for a lunch. now, this wasnt the reception....this was something between the wedding and reception because the reception is a dinner and the wedding was in the morning. so i thought this was going to be small and just kind of a hang out. false. there was a huge spread and a pig walking around just talking out loud..."ohhh please eat me....you can pull bacon off my back.....meat just faaaalls off my body.....oh and dont mind my eyes, they are little tomatoes!"

tons of food, all the good times. after we filled out bellies with various vietnamese delicacies, we departed to the hotel for some rest and relaxation before the reception.

hotel rest and relaxation:

martha and i wanted to have some premium brother/sister time and to maximize our fun. so we decided to annoy a handful of our friends from the north carolinas with facebook videos. im so happy that facebook has the option of recording a video on someone's wall instead of merely typing your message of information/appreciation/or criticism. i wish i could link the videos to my blog, but i cant. SO please feel free to say to yourself, "oh, i guess you had to be there". and then walk up to a mirror and give yourself the finger.

reception:

the reception is the best part of this vietnamese vacation. it was at a chinese restaurant at the mall. incredible. martha and i really hoped that we were taking over the food court but the restaurant was a legit restaurant that just so happened to be connected to the mall. bummer.

we had the entire thing booked out and to my sweet sweet pleasure, i notice a karaoke machine in the corner. jackpot.

all the receptions ive been to have been buffet style and then you dance and party. nothing formal or structured. in the vietnamese culture, they have a sit down 9 course dinner for the reception. by the way, whenever i say, "in the vietnamese culture" i sound like an awful tour guide or something who is sporting a fanny pack full of jellybeans.

anyways, the food was absolutely incredible and NEVER stopped so my body was full of chinese awesomeness and i was about to explode. the MC of the reception led games, mainly trivia about the bride and groom, and i realized how little i knew about my brother. i didnt know his height, weight, favorite food, most feared animal, or anything!!!

for favorite food i yelled out "AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER" while suu, lynh's uncle, kept yelling "LYNH!" which made everyone laugh and my mom confused.

most of the vietnamese community that was at the reception were older so i was wondering if the karaoke was going to be popular or not. i was unsure of the enthusiasm from the vietnamese elders to this "playful singing machine"

i was dead wrong. once that thing turned on, every person got up to party. group after group got up to sing ridiculously insane vietnamese songs that sounded like a cross between the 80's, techno, and hiphop. it was awesome. my jaw open and i was just taking in the glory the entire time.

martha, steves friend, and i sang "lean on me" whatever, we're over it. we were pretty professional. and by "we were pretty professional" i mean that steve forced us to be professional. while we were looking through the karaoke book to pick a song, he came up to us and exclaimed that we could NOT make fun of this and be "funny". ive never seen him this serious before while he was explaining that this karaoke business is NO JOKE in the vietnamese community and we COULD NOT disrespect anyone. needless to say, we were frightened by his request.

sooooo we sang like we were good. but i was confused because how do you make karaoke NOT funny? ohhhh the mysteries tickled me once again.

a nice little highlight for me was whenever i saw my mom and a small asian child, all i thought of was:

"oh, look at lucille bluth and annyong"

and if any of you dont get that joke then you should stop whatever you are doing and watch every single Arrested Development episode. you should be ashamed of yourself!

well, my mom looks like lucille bluth and because im american, every asian child looks like every asian child.

ok. this post is long. sorry. ill stop.

bottom line: go to asian weddings. the end.

Jeffron the Immortal part 6

2009-05-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaalright, this is going to be the final jeffron the immortal post! i dont care if i miss anything, ITS GONE ON TOO LONG JEFFEY BABBY!!

ive been painstakingly working on this jeffron novel since march 28. ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?? ive been working on this masterpiece (only to be fully appreciated many years after im dead like melville's moby dick) for 43 days! i think my math is right...i dont really want to waste time on that crap. honestly jeffron, these 6 chapters (though one was not really about you) has really made me hate you and regret our friendship.

but for the sake of my regular readers (martha and mom2) i will finish this quest of literature.

side note: last weekend when i was in california (again, ill fill you in later) and saw my sister, she whined and whined like a little babby about not being mentioned in my blog enough. ohhhhh im sorry MARTHA, i live in CANADA now so the frequency of our hangouts have been reduced to ZERO and thus the probability of you appearing in one of my adventures IN CANADA are about 1 in 234567898765432456787654. it was really sad, ladies and gentlebabes, she came to me with a picture she drew in class. it was a picture of me (she used a red crayon so it just looked like a crimson blob) on my computer writing in my blog and the quote above me said"

"ohhh i miss martha so much, ill write about her everyday, my fingers are sticky because of this cinnamon roll, martha loves chocolate, her dog sucks, it should have been named after me, graham the dog, thats what it should have been named, sam cant take pictures without closing his eyes, hes weird, i look like a fat thigh."

aside from her inability to NOT use a comma, i hated the picture.

i took it from her hands, ripped it in half and yelled, "MARTHA! you are 26! GROW UP!"......and then i pushed her. she cried, of course, because shes a crier.

dammit, so far i have written nothing about jeffron. OK GO GRAHAM!

couple highlights:

1) during jeffrons wonderful 12 day stay on my couch, we turned out to be professional movie watchers. one of those movies was Watchmen. it was very exciting and epic. i remember it like it was a couple months ago, when jeffron woke me up one morning by heavily breathing on my face. i woke up and he said, "graham, i want to witness something epic today."

i, of course, agreed and we set off to the internetz database to browse several options. swinging bridge?? OH YEAH! wait, how much is it?........next.

so after house of searching and a dozen of tim horton donuts gone, we decided to just go to the watchmen which was playing in a big fancy theater in the middle of downtown. we walk in and i go straight to the self serve (independence) machine to print my own ticket out. i get my ticket and we go to the escalator to get them rrrrrripped and go upstairs. since the theater is downtown, its several stories so save room. i think theres like 4 stories of theaters, its pretty rad whatever 2009 vancouver, eat it everyone else. my ticket it ripped and jeffron is right behind me, just admiring the view. we go to the snack bar to LOAD up on carbs and soda so that our energy level is to the max while we watch this movie. we have to wait in another line going into the actual theater. dumb lines. we get to the entrance and notice another meticulous worker checking tickets to this fine viewing so that no tricksters go into it for free.

jeffrons hands are full of bags of popcorn and enough chocolate to guarantee my diabetic coma so he was unable to reach for his ticket. not to worry! i was ahead of him and because i had a wheelbarrow full of malt balls and butternnaise (combo of butter and mayonnaise) i was able to park my gluttonbarrow and grab my ticket....jeffron just pointed to me and we got in.

we found some professional seats and began our pre-movie gluttonfest. before the first preview was done, i had downed (extreme style) 2 liters of american mountain dew so my baby bladder was about to burst. unfortunately i couldnt find my ticket stub (must have fallen in the butternnaise) so i asked for jeffrons. jeffron looked at me with a glazed look across his face. both in the sense of "graham, what ticket stub" and that his face had a centimeter layer of popcorn butter.

"come on jeff, you know, the ticket stub....your ticket that allowed you to be in the seat you are in now."

"uhh you bought my ticket, you have it"

"i didnt buy your ticket!"

after several variations of this exchange, we realized that jeffron some out slipped by not one but TWO ticket stops and made it to see Watchmen FOR FREE!!!1111onewon.

now, as you know, i get a lot of things for free, but theres no way around this one.....

oh well. we didnt feel bad since we gave them a hundo-spot for 10 minutes under the slushy machine.

2) SNOWSHOEING!!!

one of the epic things we did was snowshoeing. luke, jeffron and i took a day trip to cypress mountain to violate its show covered mountain side with our muscly white thighs and calves. women love calves. male calves for women are like air to anything that needs air to survive.

so this day, the three amigos decided to work our calves HARD! it worked. i almost threw up.

it was so awesome going from the city that was nice weather, not that cold, and then 40 minutes later be in a place where theres 10 feet of snow. HORRAY! THANKS VANCOUVER!

we hiked forever and made it to the TOP! BECAUSE WE ARE AWESOME. ok, instead of writing about walking around, ill just let you look at pictures:

it was amazing. at the top of the mountain, it was SO bright that i was useless at taking pictures. i couldnt open my eyes to save my life. exhibit a:

on the way down. jeffron and lukey took the adventure to the next level. and if anyone knows anything about BZL levels....then you will know that BZL levels and clothing are inversely related. exhibit b:

i see no better way to end the JEFFRON CHRONICLES than with a picture of two dudes showing off their sexy summer bods IN THE WINTER!

for further pictures, check out:

my flickr

jeffrons picasa

Jeffron the Immortal part 5

2009-05-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

RESUME!

i need to finish this whole jeffron mass posting because i got more and more STUFF to talk about. so lets just talk about a million activities that jeffron and i owned HARD.

GRANVILLE ISLAND!

this magical place is a little place underneath the granville street bridge and is home to restaurants, theaters, art galleries, and the famous granville island public market. its a nice little date spot to bring your significant other...in this case a rough and touch male named jeffron the immortal.

we walked around, lookin' frrresh, all throughout the market. it was packed with EVERY fresh food EVER! i swear the strawberries were the size of softballs. mutants really. there was a chocolate fountain that flowed sweeet milk chocolate the entire time but what unfortunately encased in a protective glass that was "guaranteed fat proof", which is actually a couple grades more durable and furious than bullet proof.

sidenote:

ok, i am currently sitting in the seattle airport waiting for about 3 hours for my shuttle to go back to vancouver. "oh why is graham in seattle?" says the avid reader, concerned parent, or interested friend...THATS EXACTLY MY POINT!! i have SO much to talk about and why im in seattle or, get this, why i was at a vietnamese karaoke party for the past two days......ohhh yeah, i need to quickly finish this jeffron novel so i can move on to, no offense jeffeypoo, MORE VIETNAMESE THINGS!

oh wait, that wasnt the sidenote at all, ok REAL sidenote:

im in the seattle airport and i just watched a group of 20 pilots walk by HOLY SHIT THEY ARE BACK AT IT AGAIN. ok, i feel pretty lucky to get two "fly bys" from 20 pilots wearing their formal navy blue pant suits and rolling their state of the art baggage behind them. it was such a great sight...there precise groups and steady/confident strides made it seem they were professional choreographers (speciality: walking)....now, would a group of pilots be called a "fleet of pilots"?

ok, back to granville island. the walking around with the stop in the hammock store for a "let me act like im seriously going to buy this hammock but really im just lazy and want to lay in a hammock for a while" adventure was great BUT the highlight of the granville island experience was the KIDS MARKET!!!!!11111onewon

the kids market was full of games, toys, small toilets, art tutorials, arcades, annoyed parents, boogers, and most importantly.....GRAHAM AND JEFFRON!!!

we hit that place like we owned it! as we were immediately denied access to the jungle gym/tunnels/ball pit we decided to drown our sorrows first in the toy store. as the children we are, we got pretty bored pretty fast so we traveled upstairs through the sticky handrail staircase (stupid kids) to the arcade.

game on.

there were kids screaming and running around but jeffron and i took the arcade with the utmost seriousness. its business time. makin' the monies......or in this case...makin' the little pieces of paper that you have to annoyingly hold on to and then exchange for cheap plastic goods that you will lose in 5-10 minutes. now, im not going to brag but ill just type a, unnecessarily inflated self-promoting account of what happened...

MY SKILLZ WERE DA BOMBZ AT THE MACHINES!! THEY WERE MY MACHINES!!

HUNDREDS OF TICKETS FOR GRAHAMMY B!!! it was magic as i manipulated every token in order to produce as many tickets to fill a bathtub up. ecstasy caressed my nubile flesh so intensely that i know that cobra felt the aftershock in nyc. children were cheering my name as i was a GOD to them. an ARCADE GOD!!! I TELL YOU!!! as i squeezed every ticket out of the machines, i never once touched the dirty common-folk ground with my feet because i was hovering the whole time due to the 20 kids holding up my throne made of gold plated arcade machine parts. the seat cushions were constructed of the finest balls from the ball pit....filled with mayonnaise for the perfect buoyancy

I WAS LIVIN' THE DREAM!!!! (see picture)

as i was being showered in the blood of all the firstborns, i looked over to jeffron to touch base on his success. it was pathetic. he had one ticket in his hands, which was given to him by a little girl who saw him crying in the corner chewing on his industrial hiking boot. for a split second i felt bad but then i realized that the heavy feeling on my shoulders wasnt a sympathetic feeling towards jeffron...but rather the millions of tickets that were covering me like a royal cloak!! THE TICKETS WERE SO HEAVY BECAUSE I WON SO MANY TICKETS BECAUSE IM SO AWESOME AT THE ARCADES!!!!!!!!!

i told you i wouldnt brag.

we went to the counter to cash in out tickets for some sweet stuff that would make all the cool kids jealous. i didnt think that jeffron would be able to afford anything from his one ticket but apparently he stole a bunch of tickets from a small child sooo goody yay for him.

we looked at the prizes and saw all the most premium winnings such from plastic spider rings to bouncy balls!!! it was incredible. BEST. DAY. EVER.

my reign quickly came to a halt when i realized that one bouncy ball was 345678765432 tickets. dammit. alright, well ill take a couple spider rings, a chinese finger trap, bouncy ball, and a popper. jeffron was able to get a couple of stuff and when the girl at the counter said that he had 15 tickets left....he just pointed at her....winked.....and said, "hey, how about you get yourself something nice"

she laughed and im pretty sure she just took a stick of gum or something.

high rollers.

we took a prize photo shoot which brought the attention of a curious child. we made friends:

after playing with the prizes for about 4 hours, we decided to put them away and keep wandering around the stores. oh kids clothing store? dont mind if we do!

this store, though advertised for children, was really created for jeffron and i. i mean, the magic filled t-shirts came in little boxes THAT LOOKED LIKE T-SHIRTS!!! OMG!!!111onewon yes please a million of those for me i will wear them everyday.

yeah these are lookin' frrrresh:

so now you know where jeffron and i got our magical t-shirts full of power (touching power). now it was time to leave the kids market:

KIDS MARKET = INCREDIBLE LAND 2009!!

i will buy this place, kick all the kids out, and make it my home.

here are some random pics throughout the granville island adventure:

Jeffron the Immortal part 4

2009-04-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

so im on to part 4 of the jeffron chronicles. before i write about jeffron and my adventures from last month....let me share two things that made me enjoy life:

1) last night a huge group of us met at the pub to watch a veeerrrrrry important aussie rules futbol game. now, for those that know me, know that i dont really "follow" sports very closely (mainly because i dont want to associate myself with anything strenuous) but this fine little australian sport its awesome. buff dudes + short shorts = TOTZ HAWT OMG!!!1111onewon

anyways, after the game, iain, suzie and i were walking up the street to go home. while we were walking and enjoyed each other's company, a car of human bros drives by with a butterbean looking fat man sticking his head out of the window and yells the most articulate and clear drive-by clowning EVER!

"NICE GREEN JACKET, PENIS FACE!!!!"

immediately the three of us laughed and were so excited about the man's audacity. i loved it. i was so glad that it happened. but then there was a discrepancy. i was wearing my dark green hoodie and iain was also wearing a green hoodie. his however was a brighter green and it was in a checkered pattern. AND is a hoodie considered a jacket? suzie concluded that it was in fact iain who the drunk men were "hollering" at. im pretty sure she based this conclusion on the fact that iain's face looks like a penis. now if these men yelled "nice green jacket, bag of mayonnaise face!" then we would know exactly who they were talking about.

i just realized that when describing the mystery drive-by man as butterbean, my "lovely" friends from raleigh, nc will leave comments such as:

"ohhh graham...instead of butterbean, you should have just said that the mystery drive-by man looked like a skinnier version of you huh huh uh u huh huh" - caleb 'cobra' gillan

"im pretty sure you have diabetes because of all the late night cake intake...you arent going to fit into the tux for your brothers wedding next weekend" - mom

"no janice, its called a 'tuck'..." - dad

2) today was apparently girls day out because me and the gals from the nunnery decided to do a little art crawl. there were open "studios" (i quote that for a reason, you will find out why later) throughout the neighborhood so that local artists could show off all their stuff. it was really cool and the day was perfect for walking around and browsing through people's "studios"

our first stop was at an apartment building...ok...i guess this is it. downstairs, we ring the room and an old lady's voice peeps through intercom. i ask her if this was part of the art thing. her old throat barely produces a "yes" and we were buzzed in. i swear, i wouldnt have been surprised if she was dead by the time we made it up to her apartment.

we walk in and realize that by "studios" they (they being the brochure) mean people's actual homes. this is going to be great.

eva, whos attention span is the size of a half eaten raisin, was immediately whining like the babby she is about how this art crawl was a crock of shit. all the while nomi is in the back asking if the next studio was a restaurant instead.

the walk was really cool AND the next two studios a) were actual studios and b) served tasty treats

one memorable house was this older lady who ended up talking to me about cell phones for like 20 minutes. i was about to kill myself but she just kept going and going and going about what she was looking for in a cell phone, all the ones that have failed her and how her current one wasnt "doing it for her".

it kinda sounded like she was giving her her whole life story about all the men in her life but no.....just cellphones.

the entire time, im just smiling and nodding. how do i get caught up in these mindless (and endless) conversations about the most boring subject. i should have just interrupted her and talked about all my favorite calendars in the past and how STOKED i was to have a kitten one this year.

"oh my gaaaahhhh you wouldnt believe me if i told you but for march, holy shit, my birthday is in march!!! OMG!! but the kitten was in, you wouldnt believe this....but he was in a tea cup! HOW ADORABLE!! i mean last year was my boat calendar and there was a sailboat which was great at the time.....i was really into the nautical vessels at the time blah blah blah SEE HOW ANNOYING THAT IS AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

sometimes i wish i can just say or do whatever is on my mind but for some reason im convicted by this thing called "social etiquette" which obviously this women didnt live by because first rule of social etiquette is that you need to recognize when your conversation is making the person at the receiving end want to jam knives in his ears and set his face on fire.

i know, i sound a tad mean right now but this lady was going on and on FOREVER!! and i would say im a rather patient person (i taught my mom how to fly fish when everyone else in my family refused to teach her) but 20 minutes on the fact that her new cell phone didnt offer the grey background was just too much for me

however, i did have fun with the conversation at the end when i convinced her to buy long range walkie talkies instead of upgrading her cell phone. i went into walkie talkie salesman mode at the end so i really hope she buys a bunch of walkie talkies for her and her "jobsite"

well my battery is about to die because i forgot to plug it up and i could either:

a) save this and finish it later with stories about jeffron

b) publish something titled "jeffron the immortal part 4" that doesnt include ANYTHING about jeffron

Jeffron the Immortal part 3

2009-04-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

its finally summer and i (with the company of my friend thollander) have created a pretty rigid summer program. this program is a perfectly engineered domino set up that will be completely successful. each step leads to the other. i present to you the project summer 2009:

sexy summer bods

summer brides

summer babies

by the end of the summer, thollander and i will have full fledged families. i know, i know..."what about the 9 months birthing baby period?" blah blah blah seriously. clearly time is of no threat to us since our summer bods will be on active duty by tuesday. im hoping to have a 3 year old by the end of august. thollander's babby will be like 2 i think. their names will reflect the place in which they were conceived soooo im thinking:

bathtub bennett

and

ferriswheel thollander

the best part is when (mystery bride) and i are at the hospital in support for the birth of ferrisheel thollander....we will sneak away to a hideaway and create 'waiting room bennett'. waiting room's immune system will be flawless.

i just realized that this has nothing to do with part 3 of jeffron the immortal. SO WHERE WAS I!

oh yeah, i realized that dates and times are not my forte so ill just tell the stories i remember from like a month ago. this should be interesting.

MY BIRTHDAY!

my birthday was march 23rd and we decided to have a little family dinner at the nunnery and then go to a bowling alley. we ended up hanging out at the nunnery and i watched as jeffron touched and tasted all my vancouver friends. he was warmly welcomed.

by the way, when i say "touch and taste" it usually means that we are just hanging out party times. however, i dont want to say that theres NEVER touching or tasting because i would be lying. i tend to bite people.

now if my memory serves me right, which it probably wont because im stupid, i think i arrived at the nunnery with jeffrons bday present. while i went to school, jeffron explored all these outdoors stores looking for supplies for his epic adventure. shit. wait, i think im getting events messed up again.

ok, friday! that was the bowling and then that following monday (my actual bday) was an intimate (pants optional) dinner party.

ok lets talk about friday first because i think jeffrons bday present was monday. dammit, this is so hard. STUPID BRAIN!

ok, we were all hanging out at the nunnery in formal attire while making smores outside by the bonfire. it was delicious and NO ONE made a mess!!! best night ever.

alright, that was a lie. we werent in formal attire, nor were we making smores. and even if we made smores, the fact that i said "NO ONE made a mess" is down right laughable because we ALL know that eva would have melted marshmallow in her hair, chocolate on her face and her leg would be on fire. pathetic.

fact time:

we were waiting on michelle (the classiest and nicest person ever) to get off work so we could all go bowling. i then realized that michelle hadnt met jeffron yet so a saucy thought popped in my head. next thing we knew, iain, suzie, jeffron, and i were in the car chanting, "FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS!" and driving towards the starbucks that michelle worked at. the plan was simple...jeffron go in there with his mushroom haircut and hit on/freak out michelle. a real 'no rules' operation.

we get there and i sneak up to the window to have a peak inside to see if a) she was there and b) show jeffron who the target was.

i slowly (and stealthily) peered around the concrete wall and to the window. i didnt see her at first so peered a little furthurOH MY GAAAHHHHH!!! SHES RIGHT THERE! she was at the cream/sugar station RIGHT BESIDE the window...it scared me out. my heart was pounded HARD AND FAST!

we were all pumped as jeffron went in for the BZL kill! the squad hercules/team self respect adventures with jeffron were BACK!

right when he went in, a gaggle of teens with capes walked by. and i know that sounds completely ridiculous but im not making this up. about 4 teenboys walked by in red capes. it was weird. but i wanted one of them to go in the starbucks with my camera and take a couple of ninja pics. however, we stumbled across some young negotiators because they had some strict demands. they wanted to walk suzie across the road. they said it was for some "scavenger hunt" but i just think they wanted to hold suzies hand because the capes have effectively prevented them from touching any human female in their lives and this was THEIR BIG CHANCE! i could only imagine how sweaty their hands were. gross. ol' sweaty hands don don.

but our little caped ninja did a great job:

after about 10 minutes later, jeffron emerges eating a chocolate croissant. he had a glazed look over his face and was legitimately frightened. i asked what happened and he just responded with, "you didnt warn me enough about how nice and sweet she was!"

this apparently threw off his plan. jeffron was ready to go in and make this girl feel so uncomfortable that it would have left her in a pool of shame and despair. but the fact that michelle was so nice led to jeffron's vastly inappropriate motives to become suddenly thwarted by her charm. take a look at the picture again and look at jeffron as he is like a deer frozen in front of some headlights. a pair of classy headlights.

i knew that walking in, jeffrons head was filled with ideas that would make even the writers of 'KIDS' cringe but when he came out....he was a transformed man. before jeffron could spit off the creepiest of the creepy, michelle's genuinely loving nature pierced his heart like a...like a....dammit YOUTUBES!!! ive been searching for that scene in royal tenenbaums with the pocket knife stabbing because its GREAT! but the internets have failed me. well, at least you can imagine it...because thats how michelle's and jeffron's convo went.

jeffron panicked and all he thought of was to hold up the creme and yell across the store, "IS THIS 2%!!...IS THIS 2%!!!" which is actually pretty great, and the dense jeffron is just as good as the jeffron the violator.

apparently they got in a conversation about chocolate in which jeffron explained to michelle that hes never had chocolate before in his life. michelle, making no judgments, gave him a free chocolate croissant. wow. so instead of her being creeped out, she ended up giving him free stuff. ridiculous.

so we leave to go back to the nunnery. jeffron just collecting himself in the backseat. crying and eating his free croissant. once we get back to the nunnery, the plan extended to jeffron hiding and waiting for michelle to get home. he was going to come yell for me and tell me that HE WAS IN LOVE AND DIDNT CARE WHO KNEW! so as michelle gets home, we tried to get her to tell us about a "creepy guy with a mushroom head" that paid her a visit but to no surprise, she didnt seem like anything was wrong. that this wasnt "story worthy". i guess this is just standard procedure in michelle-land.

as we were in the kitchen, jeffron comes through the front door and yelling for my attention. he runs through the hall and makes the most incredible kitchen entrance ever while sliding on his socks like 15 feet screaming that he was in love!

mind you, the kitchen was FULL of people that jeffron had either just met that day or had never met yet. he goes on and on about how sweet and beautiful michelle was and how he needs to see her again. all the while, michelle was standing behind him with a bright red face. then we all bust out laughing and the game was over. it was goodtimes. and im pretty sure that to this day, michelle doesnt think it was a joke but rather that jeffron is just "unique".

ok, after that we went bowling!!!!!1111onewon

jeffron, iain, suzie, luke, and i were in lukes car as we journeyed to the bowling alley. we were having a gay ol time listening to tunes and laughing about adventures until a mini van pulled next to us...just staring into our car. his window was down and was mouthing something. we pulled to the red light and jeffron (who was riding shotgun) rolled down his window to ask was the deal was.

random guy: "hows your fucking president!?"

jeffron: "uhhh obamas doing well i guess"

random guy: "no no, the other one! he fucked everything up!!"

luke: "oh yeah, sorry about that"

then jeffron just smiled and rolled the window back up. he was mouthing something while we just smiled. super awkward. but we realized that lukes car has a texas license plate sooo i guess that means that we are bush fans and/or bush's relatives.

WE ARRIVE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY!

we walk in. PUMPED AND READY TO PARTY! when i notice something odd. there were only 5 pins at the end of the lane. and the bowlers were throwing a ball the size of a croquet ball. interesting. well apparently in canada, their bowling is for children only. but we had an awesome time. especially when the blacklights came on for ultimate psychedelic fun.

here are pictures!

"yeah im going to touch you"

suzie slides on her knees for professional control!

i dont even need to look where i throw it. i dont know what suz is doing.

CHAMPION!

couple things:

1) its baloney that jeffrons pictures show up bigger than mine. BUT WHATEVER OVER IT!

2) you may have noticed the SICK THREADS that jeffron and i were wearing that night. and yes, they are spirit animals. here is a closer look:

i will tell you the story on how we attained those beautiful shirts later. and obviously it happened before this party and i failed to write about that awesome day because i have no idea when things happened. SO the next story will be BACK IN TIME!!!1111onewon or whatever, ill tell that story quick and then jump to the future again. i have no idea. MORE STORIES TO COME! thats what i want to say.

AND WE ARE BACK!!

2009-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

alright, well i had my last exam yesterday!! so i am done with term. this means i can go back to eating cinnamon rolls and writing in my blog everyday. well maybe not everyday but i can at least start on where i left off.....jeffron.

few things:

1) i was informed by a few "eye-witnesses" that my last post was inaccurate. not in the content but in the timeline. all that stuff i wrote about definitely didnt happen that first thursday night. my short term memory is USELESS. SO to correct this i will just leave out days/dates because obviously i have no real grasp of when anything happen. ill just tell stories.

2) because i had to take a long break from the bloooggin', its going to be hard remembering all the adventure romance stories between jeffron and i. but ill give it my best. if i cant remember anything specific, ill just talk about thollander and i in a bathtub politiking.

3) im not going to write anything today because its lukes bday so we are going to party HARD. no rules. (mom2, ill make sure hes safe).

Jeffron the Immortal part 2

2009-04-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

alright, LET THE STORIES BEGIN!!! however, there is one minor set back.....i may or may not be a little "slow". this coupled with my horrible short term memory will make this little writing venture difficult. but where did i leave off...

oh, we just crossed the border. jeffron and i arrive in vancouver pretty late but go straight to the nunnery to a) party and b) give luke his car back. we walk in as if we own the place because we are the ham jamz and to my surprise, liam, eva's once thought of as imaginary boyfriend has magically appeared in the kitchen to party HARD. i immediately touch him. eva whines.

there are many reasons why i love jeffron the immortal but one of them is that once there is a common connection (ie me) then all my friends (strangers to him) become immediate friends to where he is completely comfortable like a cat in any situation. LET THE PARTY BEGIN! NO RULES! NO REGRETS!

and luckily for jeffron, this particular thursday night was special because we decided to play a group game!!! YAY GOODY! usually, every thursday night is:

1) nomi and luke argue about something...sometimes its a solid discussion about doctrine but other times the argument is completely absurd because nomi will be defensive and argue ANYTHING ranging from singers to bodily chemicals...

subpoint to 1) real example:

luke: "hey nomi, i have more testosterone than you"

nomi: "uhhh that is BULLSHIT!!.....in ISRAEL, where im from by the way no biggie, jesus stayed at my house whatever, im over it, the woman are blah blah blahh"

and this continues for a while until either luke tries to hug nomi, michelle bakes cookies, or another argument starts up

2) watch the office

3) talk about how theres never anything good on tv after the office

4) watch a movie (a cartoon or comedy because everyone cant handle "emotional" movies now)

5) watch luke sit on nomi while she screams for her life

6) talk in the kitchen (this ranges from a quality group conversation to just a luke/nomi battle...but in all cases, im there to be the comic relieve so people wont start stabbing again)

so thats a usual night at the nunnery on a thursday. BUT this thursday we decided to play a lovely family fun game called "telephone pictionary".

we had 9 people playing. so here are the rules:

1) NO PANTS!!

ok here are the real rules of play:

1) each person has 9 (the same number as players) pieces of paper with them numbered

2) each person starts by writing a phrase on the paper...the more creative/funny/absurd the better

3) then you pass your whole stack with the phrase still on top to the next person (either left or right, it doesnt matter as long as everyone picks the same directions)

4) the next person sees the phrase and on the next piece of paper, they draw a representation of the phrase, then put the original phrase on the bottom of the stack

5) then you pass the stack again and the next person (without seeing the original phrase) writes a phrase of what they think the drawing is

6) this pattern continues until it goes all the way around the table and back to the original.

7) then you go through the entire stack and laugh laugh laugh at all the stupid things people said and drew yay goody!

these are easy instructions for the common 3rd grader....unless you are thollander, then you need to be explained after every round. quite annoying for everyone except me...i thought it was hilarious.

then you clown EVERYONE! it was great fun, and jeffron fit right in....creating delicious phrases and drawings. i hadnt laughed that much in a long time. the entire time i was playing, i was just wishing that cobra and party josh were there...their sick brains...i mean "creative imagination" would be a crucial asset to a game like this.

alright, well im going to end this post now because the next one will be quite extensive because it will be about my birthday adventures!!!!111onewon

if blogs had a trailer for the next episode this would be it:

EEEEEEEOooo michelle, go-girls, balls, blacklights, eva crying BOOM CITY YA YA YA YA!

Jeffron the Immortal part 1

2009-03-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

i know its been forever since i last updated my private journal but diary, i have NOT forgotten you. im sure you think that ive been completely useless and boring that i have nothing good to contribute to this journal BUT YOU WOULD BE IN THE WRONG!

i havent been writing in this thing due to lack of adventure but rather SO MANY adventures that i havent had time to reflect and share my stories of wanton mirth. the reason for this sudden influx of adventures/mischievous festivities is due to the fact that my good friend and co-creator of the world renowned organization squad hercules/team self respect is visiting from north carolina:

JEFFRON THE IMMORTAL!

yeah thats right, ready to party. no rules.

as you can see in the title of this blog....it says part 1....yeah thats right....there are SO many stories that it will be impossible (impossible as in i dont want to do it) for me to write everything down in one post. sooooo get ready ladies and gentlemen dressed as ladies, you are in for a treat. a treat that you have TO READ to reach its sweet sugary center.

it all starts on thursday march 19th when i borrow lucas' sex ride (toyota rav-4) and head down to seattle to pick up jeffron who was down there for a couple days visiting his sweatpants wearing friend. i say seattle because thats what jeffron told me. however when i google mapped the address he gave me it ended up being over an hour south of seattle. whatever, this wasnt going to stop me! so i hit the road EARLY so i could meet them 200 miles away for lunch. about 4 hours later, i get there late but we still take in 6000 calories of 100% american pancakes at this restaurant south of seattle.

why did it take 4 hours? oh ill tell you, geez, i really dont know why you are yelling at me.

well, on my way out of vancouver, i hit traffic. no worries, minor set back. then i get to the border and this was the major set back. i get to the border and quickly swallow all my canadian paraphernalia (hockey pucks, maple syrup, anti-freerdom posters, and lsd) so that wouldnt be scrutinized by the 'murcans. as im acting cool, i hand the officer my passport and give him a little wink.

officer: "where are you headed?"

me: "seattle to pick up a friend" (i opted not to explain the whole south of seattle deal)

officer: "is this your car"

me: "no"

officer: "ok, go inside, YOU WILL BE SCRUTINIZED!!!"

well, ok maybe he didnt say that verbatim but his tone definitely painted a frightening picture. so i park, go inside and start showing the skins.

apparently, they dont like people going across the border without their "own" car. foolish really. we talked forever and they asked me to go get the license plate number and registration. i start panicking about 10 minutes later when i cant find the registration or anything in the car that proved it belonged to my friend luke. i did find luke's fife but i dont know if they had the technology for a 15 minutes saliva/dna test at the border so i decided that going in with the license plate number and fife wasnt the best of plans.

they then asked if i had a note of consent from luke saying it was ok to use his car.....which i thought was hilarious because apparently going on a field trip and getting into another border requires the same little piece of paper and statement of: "yes, my little graham can do this"

"can you call him and let him talk to us?" says the officer....which would be perfect IF LUKE WOULD BUY A FREAKING CELL PHONE!!! but thats for another day. the best question the officers asked me was about jeffron himself:

officer: "what are you going to be doing in the states?"

me: "oh, im picking up a friend from seattle"

officer: "what kind of friend?"

me: (was was completely thrown off guard by the question and EVERY bone in my body had to resist the temptation of making this into a big joke) "a good one?"

finally, they let me go once they realized that i was THE graham bennett that obama met with to finalize a new national holiday. thats rights kids...obama's major plan of action is making my dreams come true...

GRAHAM BENNETT'S CLEAN UP DAY!

its the day after easter where the entire nation devotes one day to eat all the left over easter candies. finally im going to get a little respect! i presented the idea to obama and he just looked at me, smiled, handed me a cadbury creme egg, winked, and said, "2009....no bullshit!"

so they let me by but said that i may or may not be able to get back into canada because of the following reasons:

1) im not a canadian citizen

2) i just picked up another non-canadian citizen

3) im driving a car that isnt mine

4) a car that is not registered in british columbia

5) a car that is registered in texas (not the best of states to represent internationally)

6) no proof of consent from the real owner of the car

BUUUUUT i was going to let future graham worry about that noise.

so off to pick jeffron up! the plan was to pick him up and hang out in seattle for the day and party with our mutual friend jussy. however, after the delays, lunch, and the fact that we were far south of seattle, we ended up getting to seattle at 3:30. jussy had class at 4. great. fortunately, the random exit in the middle of downtown, and the random parking garage that we picked ended up only being 4 blocks away from jussy lived. DESTINY! so we were able to see jussy for 15 minutes, and walk him (like responsible parents) to class.

after that, jeffron and i went to pike place. now, jussy told us that we would be immediately stabbed by locals if he called it pike's place. so of course, as decent human beings with common courtesy, we made sure to say pike's's'ss place as much as possible. solid tourists. we went to the first starbucks which was goodtimes great fun. oh heres jeffron in the first starbucks.

ALRIGHT SCREW SEATTLE! ON TO SWEET VANCOUVER!

it was supper time so we decided to stop in some sketchy mexican place to fill out bellies with authentic mexican food before entering into the country with a poor sense of what mexican food is. it was a pretty normal experience with one main highlight....the bowl of cheese.

back in north carolina, all the mexican restaurants offer the option of a delicious saucer of melted cheese to dip your chips in instead of the regular salsa. so i immediately asked for that at this place. they looked at me like i was stupid which caused a 5 minute discussion on what cheese dip was and what i wanted. finally i said, its just a bowl of melted cheese and the lady looked at me, said something in spanish, smiled, and the backed away slowly.

success?

wrong. 15 minutes later she brings a huge bowl of about 3 pounds of cheese melted with some jalapenos thrown on top. not exactly what i envisioned would be the cause of my death. now this sounds like heaven to some people like laura but to the NORMAL person who likes NORMAL amounts of cheese...this was borderline illegal. the best(worst) part was that this oozing mass was solidifying FAST. so for someone (or a more appropriate party of 20) would have to eat this monstrosity in 2.5 minutes. laura would be able to pick this up and down the entire thing before realizing that the bowl was a thousand degrees and melting her hands. gross laura.

disgusting

while at the restaurant (and waiting to see if we would die from the injection of cheese), we started worrying about getting across the border. so i may or may not have forged a letter of consent. i wrote a professional letter stating my purpose and luke's approval as he wrote it. and then i signed luke's name on it. illegal? yes. immoral? maybe. jealous? i know you are.

so we get to the border and butterflies were fluttering in my stomach....slowing fluttering due to the amount of cheese covering their dainty wings but fluttering nonetheless. we get to the border and the canadian officer looks at the passports and says, "why were you in the state?"

i respond with, "oh i just picked up my friend from the airport, hes visiting me in vancouver for a bit"

canadian officer: "driver, did you buy anything while you were down there?"

me: "no"

canadian officer: "ok, youre good to go"

OH YES THAT WAS SO EASY! and i didnt even have to use my fake (sneaky) note which would have totally worked by the way. he was totally cool and didnt even ask if i was driving my own car.

so moral of the story:

its really easy to get into canada. and the united states hates foreigners.

generalizing? dont mind if i do!

Contemporary Christian Music

2009-03-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

this is a paper that i turned in for my christian thought and culture class...

Contemporary Christian Music: When are Christians Going to Stop Being Assholes?

As worshipping progressed from the traditional style of organs and hymns to the “contemporary” style of acoustic guitars and goatees, it seems that the church has made a natural and needed shift in time but has lost a lot of what it means to worship. This paper is a critique on the new generation of worship music that has swarmed many North American churches, retail stores and iPods. I will not suggest that we revert back to strictly hymns and organs for that would be placing importance on a particular method in a specific time and culture instead of realizing that our vernacular is different than theirs. The main principles that I will discuss can be easily translated to other cultures and other times…and that’s precisely the point. As churches, regardless of location or time in the world, think intentionally about how they will worship, they need to realize that the timeless truth of Jesus Christ will be expressed through different vehicles of time, culture, and language. However, since I am a white American male, I will be focusing on the North American Church that has decided to employ this new worship music that we call “contemporary”. The need for progression and genuine expression of art in our current culture must be coupled with the vital examination of what our intentions are and whom we are truly worshipping. Truth, honesty and integrity must trump cheap tricks and short-lived fads in order to honor and worship God.

Art: Reflecting the Times

Responding to the times and reflecting on any given era sparks a mass suspicion in the minds of a lot of Christians because it might look dangerously close to being shaped by the times.1 One of the big problems we have today is our inability as a church to look at church history as a progression of methods but rather we take what we have today for granted. Marva Dawn states in her book, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down:

“…the idolatry of traditionalism, which causes us to do everything as it’s always been done, to such an extent that worship remains boring and stale.”2

She goes on to state that the best remedy to this is not throwing everything out. I will whole heartily agree that there are truths in the hymns of Isaac Watts, John and Charles Wesley that we should not throw out just for the sake of being on the “cutting edge”. However, this is where I hate the words “traditional” and “contemporary” when describing the two styles of worship because it implies that the “traditional” was never “contemporary” and this is a foolish mistake. When hymns were first introduced in the 18th century, they were extremely revolutionary and created a completely new standard of worship. They were secular in style, personal and culturally relevant in content, and absolutely shocked the “traditional” form of worship.3 Does this sound familiar? We should not focus the particular vehicle of expression but accept that worship has always been progressing and been a series of experimentations.

Recruitment: First Mistake

This is the starting point to the downfall of our current contemporary movement. Once the purpose of worship is to attract and recruit the unredeemed world then it ceases to become worship. This seems harsh but this needs to be rule number one in every church:

“Worship is easily corrupted when it is treated as a recruitment device, for that shifts its focus from honoring God to pleasing those who profess to honor God.”4

There is a huge difference in honestly honoring God with the worship your church community uses and putting on a face to “win souls”. One is genuine and one is fake and pathetic. The point of worshipping is not to look cool or making people feel good but it is to WORSHIP GOD and ONLY GOD! I will discuss the topic of styles later but first thing is first: worship is not a marketing tool.

Sacred versus Secular: Christian?

Let’s get down to the basics: worship music is “Christian” music, right? The generic consensus of what makes a song sacred has something to do with its content. However, I am going to argue that it is not that simple because just because the name “Jesus” is in the song doesn’t necessarily make it sacred or should be used in worship. Also, what do we do with instrumental music that expresses appropriate responses that words can’t? Many contemporary Christian artists in their quest to be relevant and be “in the world but not of the world” have created a parallel world that mimics the secular world. This “Christian bubble” of a music scene has not produced a Kingdom of God on earth but rather took aspects of the world and retreated to a “safe haven” that is just as full of idols of greed, fame, pride, etc. as the secular music scene.

“Christian pop is the hymnody of idolatry, the self’s worship of the self…[and] it exalts consumption over creation and self-promotion over service.”5

Frankforter is unrelenting but I will have to agree with him whenever I see those huge Christian concerts and feel more disconnected with God than when I’m listening to a secular artist scream his lungs out about the hopelessness and hatred of life. With one I just see an unoriginal shadow who is ripping off the latest pop star while singing the newest “Christian phrase” and the other I see the honest depiction of a broken man who’s completely frustrated with the world and longing to feel something real. I see the “secular” song more sacred because it reveals the true nature of humans, the lament I have for the world, and the real need for Jesus…and calls me to love and serve.
Equating worship music to the Eucharist will create a safe standard. Bread and wine are just bread and wine unless it’s coupled with the Word. This, I realized, is essential to worship music. Frankforter states,

“A joyful noise is a natural, spontaneous, and appropriate response to the discovery of the reality of the Bible’s God. But it is only a response; it is not the cause of the worshiper’s sense of the divine presence.”6

I’m not saying that every song from the contemporary music culture is dispensable, but for it to be worship, it needs to be coupled with the Word and to be used as an honest response to that Word.

Production: Accountability

Michelle K. Baker-Wright brings up an important issue of production in her work, Intimacy and Orthodoxy:

“Thus, many over-personalized worship songs are written in isolation, studio recorded, published, and distributed to thousands of churches that will replicate the same cultural and theological paradigms without any discernment process.”7

For the church to appropriately worship, there needs to be in full communication between the artists and the clergy. Artists need to be their own theologian to fully present the character of God. If you focus more on getting the right style than on the words to attract people (re: recruitment), then you will end up having a lifeless jingle that will sound catchy but wont correctly represent the God who you are worshipping.

Themes: Incomplete

As we entered into the modern world, the importance of individuality rose and the affects of this are clearly seen in the lyrics of popular contemporary Christian music. Most critics will agree that the “Me and My Jesus” mentality in the current worship needs to be altered in order to fully honor God. I can’t stress enough of how Marva Dawn is a champion in this area. She states:

“Such worship fosters the basic perspective that faith depends on how well we notice God’s glory, rather than of the gift of God’s revelation that God’s grace enables us to receive.”8

She explains that the cause of this is the contemporary confusion of praise and “happiness”. Focusing on happiness makes us forget that God’s glory is through Christ’s sacrifice and the suffering of God’s people.9 This sort of repetitive optimism can actually be very spiritually disturbing.

“Only upbeat and happy songs are destructive to worshippers because it denies the realities of doubts concerning God, hiddenness of God, and the feeling of abandonment by God that cloud believers going through difficult times.”10

The fear of looking weak is a twisted idea of our generation because we need to be reminded that redemption is not through the glory of the church but through the crucified Messiah. Thus, a full range of themes should be incorporated in worship, not by focusing on us, but by proclaiming God’s truth and God’s character. Songs of lament need to make its way to our churches. Songs of frustration should frighten us. Songs of mission should promote service. Songs of the Body of Christ should make us forget the individual. The range of themes should reflect the range of responses we have to the Word. As Marva Dawn puts it:

“Instead of recognizing the inadequacy of worship that teaches only one aspect of our relationship to God, [people in difficult times] blame themselves for inadequate faith.”11

Style: Inspiring versus Imitating

So far I have said little about the actual style of music that should represent worship and I’ve done this on purpose because when it comes to worship, the methods are temporal and always in reform. The important thing a church needs to realize is:

“Hope lies not in discovering a single program or strategy to be imposed to all churches, but in trusting the power of grace to guide each in discovering how it can best worship with integrity. Worshipers must become explorers who risk forays into uncharted territory.”12

As Christians, we are the ones that in face of God see the wickedness of life and yet at the same time see the ultimate glory of God. If anyone, we are the ones that know true sorrow and true joy. So, why is it that we have settled for cheap imitations of the world around us? We are the ones that should be inspiring instead of imitating. Do we have such little faith that we feel we need to copy what is popular in the unredeemed world to attract an audience? We need to be innovative and the forerunners of musical talent at the same time respectful of the past. If we find truth in an old hymn, then it would be foolish for us to discount it just because it’s “old".13 My church back home would sometimes take the lyrics of old hymns and put it with contemporary music.14 Style needs to honestly reflect each particular church.15

Conclusion: Epiklesis

Throughout this paper I have touched on some of the aspects of the contemporary worship movement that need serious reconsideration and as a classic critic, I’ve pointed out the short-comings without offering specific remedies or a qualified 12 step program. The only real answer to church health and proper progression is taking the third person of the Trinity seriously. Truly evoking the Holy Spirit to guide each church will reveal what God’s character is and how each specific church and culture should respond and worship. The worship methods of every community will be vastly different but the lasting substance of worship should be consistent: followers who are being led by the Holy Spirit in creating authentic worship in response to the Word and in the language and style of their cultural identity. Inspiring the unredeemed world with their ability to see the world through the eyes of a true and living God and responding with a wide range of emotions to the complex themes of the Bible.

The church is worshipping the favor of the world and not the Triune God when it turns worship into a marketing tool. This makes us look like snakes instead of honest humans trusting in the Holy Spirit and the Power of the Word. Progression ceases when we have no faith that the Holy Spirit will guide the next generation in honoring God.

_______________________________________
1 Steve Turner, Imagine: A Vision for Christians in the Arts, (Downer’s Grove: IntraVarsity Press, 2001), 93.
2 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1995), 47.
3 Rob Des Cotes, Contemporary Worship and Our Quest for Intimate Relationship, (Regent College Thesis, 1997), 28-29.
4 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2001), xiii.
5 Ibid., 135.
6 Ibid., 136.
7 Michelle K. Baker-Wright, Intimacy and Orthodoxy, Missiology 35, no. 2 (April 2007): 169-178. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 176.
8 Marva Dawn, Reaching Out without Dumbing Down, 77.
9 Ibid., 87.
10 Ibid., 88-89.
11 Ibid., 89.
12 A. Daniel Frankforter, Stones for Bread, 169.
13 Kara Mandryck, The Convergence Movement in Contemporary Worship, Didaskalia
(Otterburne, Man.) 17, no. 2 (2006): 19-36. ATLA Religion Database with ATLASerials, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2009), 24.
14 Vintage 21 in Raleigh, NC. The music was written specifically for that hymn to properly match the style and tone of the message with the music...NOT just putting a hymn to a popular song.
15 Imitators will be sniffed out immediately as con-artists.

Is this stealing?

2009-03-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

its sunday so im obviously partaking in my sunday ritual which some would guess (and be wrong) that i was at church. your wrong guess would be close though....i am at grounds for coffee eating a marvelous cinnamon roll and drinking incredibly hot and black coffee. i have made this a graham bennett sacrament. the best part about shoving this 10,000 calorie death trap down my throat is that i JUSTIFY IT! thats right, i completely let myself off the hook by saying, "well, this will be the only big thing i eat all day." so dinner will be just a bowl of frozen vegetables like last night (and i think the night before).

anyways, geez, the only reason i started talking about my cinnamon roll was only to say that eating a cinnamon roll may or may not be the best thing while writing in your bloggypoo. i feel like eva when my keyboard is covered in cinnamon and frosting. "how the hell did that get there.....EVA!!" ohhhh it looks like eva got into the, im going to be safe and say, blueberry pie.

alright back to, or should i say, lets finally start the story at hand. OH MY GOODNESS! this is LITERALLY a "story at hand" because im TYPING it!! that (sadly) just made my day!

so yesterday, i was at bennys bagels with lars, nerida, and maria.....having a lovely time kinda studying. we were there for a loooong time and i was ready to leave and catch some precious vitamin d by staring straight into the sun with my eyes wide open. apparently, thats the only way to REALLY do it (nomi). maria was first to leave....an early strike if you ask me. then later, nerida and i left....lars wanted to stay and "read". well i shouldnt really put quotes around 'read' because that was exactly what he was doing instead of being aware of the cute girl that worked there that was obviously interested in him. way to be oblivious lars.

so nerida and i were OFF! walking down broadway, staying classy, and soaking up premium sun rays through out head windows. she wanted to go into this consignment shop to look for a winter coat and since i was walking with her, i decided, hey...i dont have anything to do....especially not do school work like a responsible person. however, it was to my dismay that this particular consignment shop was sexist. sexist in a sense that it didnt cater to my manly needs by providing manly clothes. it was a "girls only" shop......but i took caleb's nonchalant attitude towards signs like those and "model walked" right in.

nerida told me to try to find clothes that she might like.....this didnt go to well because a) i dont really know nerida that well so i obviously dont know her style and b) ive never shopped for girls....i could go shopping for my own sister and never pick out something "acceptable".

i obviously got bored quick and started playing in the small fountain they had in the store. i was quickly reprimanded by the owner as she explained that theres bleach in that fountain. then i made this connection:

man in "girls only" store = unattended child

or maybe its just me. whatever, im over it.

after nerida tried on the entire store and didnt buy anything, we were OFF AGAIN! this time to blockbuster.

we spend around 3.2 hours in blockbuster trying to figure out what the best movie is to show a bunch of 6th grade girls. and no, im not hanging out with 6th grade girls, thats nerida's "hobby". i didnt even hang out with 6th grade girls when i was in 6th grade. i take that back, i had my first kiss in 6th grade from a girl in braces and after the kiss, my entire face was soaking wet with saliva. it was AWESOME (at the time) but kinda gross thinking about it now.

we finally made out professional choices:

i got Holes. and nerida got Penelope and Wall-E in the hopes that those little girls hadnt seen either.

boom!

while in line, there was a huge bowl of cadbury cream eggs that i of course cant resist. when we get to the register, i try to "negotiate" with the counter lady as i proposed her this fair offer:

"hello lady, is there a deal where we get three movies and get a discount AND a free cadbury egg?"

she laughed and then she went on to explain some boring blockbuster rewards plan blah blah blah WHATEVER YOUNG LADY!

after her failed sales pitch, we just said we would just get the 3 movies. however, i looked at her and asked, "so are you saying that i have to pay for this cream egg?"

with this she looked around, smiled, and then responded with, "wwwweeeelllll, i didnt say that" wink wink

well those 'winks' werent there, but by the tone of her voice, they were implied. so i said, "ohhhhhh gotcha" wink (my wink was there FOR SURE) and then i put the egg in my pocket.

she rang up the movies and we left. once outside, i looked at nerida and said, "well at least i got a cream egg! GOODY YAY!" she looked at me like i was crazy and a BRUTAL THIEF! what an outrage!

however, since shes from australia, ill give her some slack because she didnt know that:

a) there are various north americanisms that mean "yeah you get that for free"

and

b) i get free stuff a lot

SO THE ACCUSATIONS STARTED!!! it was baloney.....she didnt think that "wwweelllll, i didnt say that." (in the tone of "yeah youre getting that for free") meant that I WAS GETTING THAT FOR FREE!

so im a little hesitant to share my little consumerism secret on the internets, fearing a widespread panic of all corporations that a certain someone (me) has been getting free stuff now and again by the simplest method EVER. and no, not stealing!

but simply......ASKING!

for some reason, ive found that if you just ask for it for free....theres a SMALL chance (but a chance nonetheless) that you will get it for free. ive done this mainly at coffee shops but now i can add blockbuster on the list of AWESOME STORE THAT GIVE FREE MERCHANDISE TO GRAHAM FLANAGAN BENNETT JUNIOR!

its really entertaining because since the worker isnt supposed to give free things out, they get an adrenaline rush as they rebel against the "system" and give me a free cookie or coffee. i feel like im doing the ultimate service:

1) creating excitement in the life of a worker in the midst of their mundane works of commerce

2) keeping the corporations in "check" and to let them know they arent more powerful then the everyday man or woman

3) and IM GETTING THINGS FOR FREE

so moral of the story is that if people get things for free, its not necessarily because they stole it. AND you should give things for free a lot because you might make someone's day by giving them something that costs one dollar for free.

Missin' U BaBby aka I HATE ZACH GILLAN

2009-03-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

my "new and improved gluttonfest" comment in my last blog has stirred some quote on quote bad vibes in raleigh, nc where the original gluttonfest was created by myself and a few un-nameable "friends". the original gluttonfest was a stop at five guys burger joint and then on top of that, a visit to pretzel town or ben and jerrys ice cream parlor. BUT I THINK, the ethiopian feast and then the stop at the gelato shop (218 flavors whatever over it) is a much more GLORIOUS gluttonfest. anyways, one such person (zachary) let me know exactly how he felt about my discovery of the newer and better gluttonfest:

Zachary: that isn't gluttonfest, you fucking clown.
get a clue, moron.

me: spare me

Zachary: healthy food?
me: HUGE ethiopian feast and THEN TONS OF GELATO

Zachary: I don't even know you anymore.
get fucked.

so in conclusion....no more GRAHAM AND ZACH FOREVER!!! you can find that tree with our initials in it and CHOP IT DOWN and then feed it to a gang of beavers! I HATE YOU.

below is the latest photo of the former graham and zach:

Welcome to Ethiopia

2009-02-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

when people ask me, "hey graham, did you have fun last night?"....i answer with an enthusiastic "YES!"

there were many goodtimesgreatfun all night long. the special occasion was that our friend lindsay was turning 25 and for the quarter century party, the wanted to go to an ethiopian restaurant. i dont know why, ask her, i was just along for the ride. i pretty much never say no when someone proposes an event that involves food and friends. unless it was that one time that my "FRIENDS" wanted me to go to rehab for FOOD addicts. it was miserable and that little debacle led to me having 3 less friends. ill never love you again WILL STEPHENS, DARIUS, and DA FRESH!!!1111onetwothreelessfriendsIHATEYOU

so luke, eva and i leave school to meet up with the millions of people that will be at this professional dinner. apparently while we are driving, the taxi driver was diving really close beside us in the other lane while staring and smiling at me (i mean, who would blame him, right? guys? right?) i wasnt looking so i didnt know but eva was in the back seat being awkward, staring back, and wiping off any left over food that was left on her face by her childlike (and also dinosaur-like) hands and eating habits.

luke and i didnt notice this creepy guy until he honked his horn. i turn to look at him and hes smiling HARD, and giving me the thumbs up. of course my instinct was to give him the thumbs up as well but my facial expression was one of utter confusion. then, luke did the smart thing and slowed down so that he wasnt driving right beside us anymore. all in all, this was a very weird occurrence that we still dont fully understand.

my (99% correct) explanation is this:

the taxi driver saw that it was the one and only graham bennett in the passenger seat of a particularly sporty toyota rav-4. upon gazing my nubile flesh (specifically my zaftig neck), he was unable to control his giant smile of awe and abundant satisfaction of seeing me in real life. (most people only see me via internets....which is fitting since i have the president of the internets)

so yeah, thats what happened.

we continue along our journey and picked up gini. (she was LOOKIN' GREAT! and made us all look like slobs)

on our way to the ethiopian restaurant, i was asking the car if they even knew what kind of food would be at an ethiopian restaurants because i had no idea. they were unable to fully answer my question so i was left for my own imagination which was later trumped by the reality this ethiopian restaurant provided.

once everyone was there, the restaurant was FULL of us alone. it was great. four of us (luke, gini, lindsay, and i) decided to order four different dishes and share it family style!

we get our food and there were no utensils. there were just rolls of this flat, sponge like bread that you would tear off and bit and use that to pick up the various foods. our choices was chicken, lamb, spicy beef, and spinach. it was INCREDIBLE.

on top of the great food, there were great jokes and conversations. we were at that restaurant for such a long time. while the night was dying down, people were getting up to pay. luke, however, decided to start dancing "African style" and his dancing prompted one of the ladies that worked in the restaurant to dance with him. after seeing this, i knew i couldnt pass up the opportunity to complete life goal number 32. which was to dance in a restaurant of a different culture with the people that worked there. DONE.

so my white ass hopped in the mix and naturally my sexy body mesmerized the other ethiopian woman in the kitchen to throw off her apron and PARTY PARTY.

sadly, no one else joined us so there were 2 white guys, 2 ethiopian women, and 30 confused people standing and watching. clearing not everyone knows how to party (gini and eryn have been to africa so THEY should have been dancing!)

anyways, after the restaurant, luke, eva, gini, heidi, and i went to the dance club. this dance club however is a little different. instead of a bar to drink alcohol, there are 218 flavors of gelato that serve in these crazy things called "bowls" or "cones". it was such a wild experience.

i was really confused because every time i went to the DJ to request a song, he would just look at me and say, "oh, uhhh well its jut a cd playing, you are in a gelato shop."

it was strange but whatever, it didnt stop me from dancing and eating gelato. before choosing the perfect mix of gelato, you were allowed to walk around and take tastes of the various delicious flavors.

i had (and hated):

aloe vera

garlic

balsamic vinaigrette

wasabi

and after i had fun trying the disgusting flavors i ended up with: creamsicle and raspberry cheesecake. I WAS IN HEAVEN. the fat district of heaven that is.

after the NEWER and BETTER version of gluttonfest, we hit the road and were on our way home.

on our drive home, eva decided it would be a great idea to perfectly articulate the story of the weird taxi driver experience that we had earlier to gini and heidi. heres how that disaster happened:

eva: "OMG!!! earlier there was this prius........that was painted yellow!!!...........like a taxi; and he was all like blah blah"

after i heard her say that....mainly the part about the "prius that was painted yellow like a taxi", i really thought that she didnt think it was a taxi but rather some creep who decided one day to make his car look like a taxi, so i interrupted her (rightfully) and yelled:

me: "EVA! it WAS a taxi!"

since im her friend, i wouldnt allow this to go unnoticed so the clownings began! the whole car loved it (minus eva who was hating life at the moment) but it was pew pew pew all the way home.

eva later came up to me that night and said, "graham, you were right in clowning me because my choice of words were far from acceptable in the matter of storytelling. also, do i have any food on my face?"

sidenote:

luke wants to mountain dew feist.

TEAM NAME POLL!!

2009-02-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

alright, i need everyones help here. my sister, who is my sister, is a part of a dodgeball team at school. wait a minute, that sentence was supposed to read, "my sister, who is a teacher,..." but whatever. anyways, there are 6 teachers that are going to battle middle schoolers on the dodgeball courts (headshots count)

THEY NEED A TEAM NAME!!!

ok go.

and please make is "appropriate" because this will be at school and there will be middle schoolers present. i put appropriate in quotations because if its SO ABSURDLY INAPPROPRIATE that a middle schooler will have no idea what it means....then thats acceptable.

oh, and cobra, "team touch me there" is already taken by the middle schoolers.

Reading Weak

2009-02-13T15:06:00.000-08:00

so this reading week is almost over and im completely useless. yes ive had the good times, and yes ive read but no matter how much i read, IT JUST KEEPS GROWING!! my reading is like chinese food. no matter how much i eat, it just magically grows and right before i explode, i look down and see a full, relatively untouched, plate of general tso's chicken.

my mom and dad are probably wondering how my exercising is going and my answer to that would be: YES!

i exercise EVERYDAY!! HARD!!

i wake up. i vigorously struggle to get free of the obstacle course (my blanket). after i get the blood pumping, i stretch for a good bit (bending down to pick up my jeans). now heres the tricky part.....i dont know how many of you have put pants on but let me tell you.....IT IS EXHAUSTING!

once i put my pants on, i take about a 30 minute nap (reenergize!) i wake up to repeat step one. then i work my biceps by straining to open the poorly made chest of drawers to gain access to my clothes. once i give my brain a little work out (pick out what shirt i should wear), i continue the "heavy lifting" by moving my body is such a way to actually dress myself. this is an art, folks.

ah fuck, my shoes.

well, there goes 2 hours of my day.

at this point its about 4pm so i have enough time for a little walk. you know, epic cardio! i start walking with only one thing on my mind. a healthy meal. i arrive at grounds for coffee to celebrate a day of exercising with some milk and a cinnamon roll. so im rejuvenating my body of vital necessities. cinnamon rolls are good for you. its kinda like fruit. yeah, i eat fruit! thats it. healthy stuff for graham b in 2009 woot! im pretty sure cinnamon is a fruit.

ok ok ok this next part im going to tell you is going to BLOW YOUR MIND!!! (notice the all caps and prominent exclamation points in the previous phrase to tell the reader that im screaming)

they pour my milk (probably 1% bullshit, but im not going to push my luck) into a nice classy glass. i say "thank you" to show my gratitude but when i grab the glass, i immediately take back any sort of gratitude that i expressed. the glass was HOT! my brain went wild and all i could think was:

"are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!" "are you seroius?" "you cant be serious!"

by the time i get to my seat, my milk had heated up to room temperature and im pretty sure start curdling along the top. COME ON!

oh, i drink it. dont you worry about me. i had to bite the bullet and nourish my body. i probably burned tonzz of caloriezzz during the day so i had no other choice. plus, esophagus needed some assistance to help get the fruit down to my stomach.

so all in all, im an awful student because im feasting on cinnamon rolls and writing in my blog instead of reading. im weak.

An Account on Dancing

2009-02-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

Dancing. a lot of people have very different images when they hear, "hey you like to dance...party?". usually im open to all sorts of dance styles but theres one thats has been added to my rolodex of images recently. and i dont know if i want it there or not. lets dive into this a little deeper...

when i run into a mysterious man wearing a trench coat in a dark alley....he, on multiple occasions, either asks me, "do you like to party?" or "are you looking to party?". the latter question just assumes that, like every other hot young human male, i like to party. which is true but still, the question seems ambiguous and vague.

as i take my sweet time trying to figure out what he means by "party", the mystery man is waiting patiently (and by patiently, i mean completely still and staring in my eyes......im not even sure hes breathing......no wait, hes just breathing REALLY hard).

after about 15 minutes of pondering my existence in relation to partying, the man finally screams, "DAMMIT GRAHAM!! its the same as EVERY week....DANCING!! im asking if you are looking to DANCE!! you thick shit!"

"oh, right", i replied. but then a series of images of dancing came to mind on what exact dance i was going to perform for the mystery man. (i really need to stop going to dark alleys)

the good, bad, and the majestic rushed through my brain like mayonnaise through the mouth of a white person. and by "white person", i mean that as racist as possible.

however, this week was different because a couple days ago....my sister informed me of a new development that my mother was taking on. so this was a new image that may or may not have been welcome in my extensive dancing collection (get ready for an instructional video by Graham B in 2010...dont worry, ill have a picture in picture of a "less energy" version for senior citizens)

the story goes like this...

my sister comes home one day to let her dog out. she walks inside to grab a delicious cheerwine to sip while she ponders the overly implicit use of human agency in regards to the church as an institution and the subconscious lack of faith in the holy spirit. as she was in the middle of taking a satisfying swig from the glass bottle of pure joy, our mother enters the room....wearing spandex and a tank top while chugging a orange Gatorade thats probably 80% full of pino grigio.

to let everyone know....this sorta behavior is not normal so my sister was definitely caught off guard. the only thing i can picture (unfortunate that im picturing anything at this point) is that my mom looks like a cross between Donna Reed and a brooklyn american apparel model.

after my sister collects herself she utters, "ohhh no. what is that?"

to which my "normal and sane" mother responds with, "what? its cute! and im going to tap dancing"

my sister questions the validity of the previous statement and the next thing my mom says will either:

a) inspire the children of the world never to let go of their dreams and to actually pursue happiness rather than just rent the movie.

b) this.

my mother responds with, "yes martha, im taking tap and jazz.....but this class is only to prepare me for the my hip hop dance class"

HIP HOP DANCE CLASS!!!!

YES PLEASE!!!

my sister screams as if shes won the lottery (which in many ways, has)

she told me that if there is an end of the year recital, i would have to fly in and watch mom hip hop dance. ohhhhhhh the tables have turned....and its bullshit that mom get to participate in the better half of this. instead of her watching our stupid piano recitals that are full of kids with one inch fingers as the parents are supposed to act "impressed" when the kids can reach the foot controls...now we get to look upon a "sick squad" of 20 year olds that has a 60 year old as the ring leader in the pop-n-lock section.

no, i take that back...WE get the better half because it will be beyond amazing to witness this expression of true life wonder and glory. and i might be exaggerating on the 60 year old part....my mom is only 59, she turns 60 in june.

my mother will climb her way up the hip hop ladder until she reaches the top as her new alias 60 cent....or what the cool kids say...siddy cent. she will star in every major music video (or 15 second video blurbs on MTV) and her unmatchable success will lead her to dance at such prestigious venues like: the white house, the superbowl, the opening of my hair salon: superbowlcuts, and lil bow wow's sweet sixteen birthday party (even though 21).

unfortunately she will be involved in a north carolina vs rest of america epic dance battle that will result in her "winning" 100 hours of community service for correcting a police officer's lousy posture by force. she will claim that it was loving force (and even the officer's mother was happy about this) but this still didnt get her off the hook for "assaulting" the poor officer (who DOES have shitty posture)

she will tour the country giving hip hop dance lessons to various pre-teens all the while increasing awareness of the serious issue of childhood diabetes. all in all, she will improve society. no doubt.

SO! in conclusion i am proud of my mom and ESPECIALLY proud of the future mom that ive created in my brain.

Advent - Overcome

2009-01-31T13:33:00.000-08:00

if any of you (mom and dad) like hardcore music then advent's new demo, overcome, is the "new hot jamz" . this makes me miss north carolina hardcore. love these dudes. check them out:

ADVENT

its the first track on the player....and here are the lyrics:

OVERCOME

The foolishness of the cross?
Salvation for the lost?
Are we decieving ourselves for our cause?
I still believe in a GOD i can't see.
What foolish things do i cling to?
I stand accused, i'm a fool this cross i cling to (x2)
Will not be removed.
I cling to YOU
I am rooted in the truth.
In the truth
You, ancient of days.
I steep my heart in your almighty ways.
Spit in the face of the
Saviour
Spit in the face of the
Save Your
Spit in the face of the
Saviour
Spit in the face of the
Save Your Breath
Save you mockery
Saviour. Saviour
Save me. Save me from myself.
Overcome
I am not ashamed. To live is Christ, to die is surely gain.
Overcome
this worthless sense of grief
Stare death in the face. I am not afraid
Overcome
We will stare death in the face(x2)
OVERCOME

Next Dream (of what i can remember)

2009-01-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

for those who dont know, im straight edge meaning i abstain from alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex. but for some reason, i took on another personality. only after i woke up, i realized what (or more specifically, who) i became.

i dont remember exactly what happened in my dream, i only remember bits and pieces.

I got really drunk (probably off of caleb's favorite wine coolers) and for hours upon hours, i screamed for my kilt! i dont own a kilt in real like (although that might be a valuable investment soon) then, still in my dream, i start to sober up and i get really pissed off that i got drunk because i dont do that bologna!

then i wake up. and realize that i became my scottish friend iain macpherson in my dream. when i approached him that day and told him that i got drunk and was screaming for my kilt for hours in my dream, told him that became him....he responded with, "yep, sounds about right"

Dream

2009-01-25T09:19:00.000-08:00

ive never posted a dream before but i must attempt to post the dream i had last night because in the middle of the dream i vaguely remember telling myself that i would post this on my blog. (and when i say 'this' i mean a specific part in the dream) BUT i will just go through all the stuff i can remember. (this dream, by the way, was the time between 8:38am and 9am when i woke up and then we back to sleep)

ok here we go:

It was a beautiful day out at regent college. however, regent college looked a bit different. it kinda reminded me of an old fashioned southern hotel that still had a huge atrium/cafeteria type area for group gatherings. as i said before, it was a beautiful day. but it wasnt a beautiful vancouver day but rather a beautiful southern day. it wasnt north carolina though....but some sort of louisiana landscape. this is a creepily good picture of what im trying to portray. gorgeous blue sky with gnarly mossy branches that have more bends than _______ (fill in metaphor)

"oh so we are in louisiana" says the 'hey i like to form conclusions far to fast' reader.

regardless of the schools original location or even the present landscape offered...we are currently in israel. dont know why, but we are.

that morning, the atrium is full of students and everyone seems loud and lively as they fill the air with stories of wanton mirth. im there hanging out with all the usual suspects at regent college but i kinda look a little different than everyone else... apparently i just woke up because with my messed up bed head, i was taking it easy in my tighty whiteys. two things to note:

1) hanging around in your underwear is not a universal standard for this dream, so i am the only one doing it. but apparently its normal behavior on my part.

2) i DO NOT where tighty whiteys in real life.

as im eating, brandon curling looks to me and asks, "david and i are going to try out, are you coming?"

i respond with, "whoa, wait, you and david sutton came to visit!?"

i met brandon curling was the first friend i had in middle school that came over to spend the night. and i met david in high school. i went to the same school for middle and high school so we all hung out HARD.

this immediately jumps us to me giving them a tour of my 2 story room/apartment which i may or may not have been sharing with another student. oh, all the students lived on campus. i show them my bedroom which seemed very long with a short ceiling. the wall was painted like my old wall back in raleigh but this time...it was a lot shittier. but they still loved it. (there sees to be a crowd here but i can only remember showing david and brandon)

well thats done with because now we are all dressed and walking to the gym for try-outs. im not exactly sure what for though.

the gym is packed and i immediately lose david and brandon. but good news, i see wes richardson. i met wes richardson in a parking lot. (i feel i should explain the great and not creepy story behind this...but im letting the readers imagination take over this one) he starts running off to get to the try outs that he so eagerly wanted to make. he runs into a straight line so he ends up running through a group of guys who i remember from my elementary school (why are they there?). ill note the way he was running because only in retrospect does the running seem "abnormal". his arms were lifted above his head and hands reaching the sky. his bent-at-the-knees legs seemed to only rotate around his hip. holy crap google images are UNBELIEVABLE: here is wes running.

basketballs. we are trying out for basketball....or at least wes is (and i followed him). the potential team was sitting in a semi circle around the coach. as we approach, the coach delivers a mean chest pass to an unsuspecting player. needless to say, the ball hits the kid in the face and he is unable to catch it. instead of an apology, the coach quickly yells, "NAME?! what is your NAME!?"

"uh uh uh name that i cant remember", says the player

coach: "well, name that i cant remember, YOURE CUT!! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

the poor kid gathers his stuff and runs off faster than we can sit down. right when i sit down, the coach says: "whos next?"

well, this next part is unusual to the graham b style but evidently i am a badass in my dreams because without a beat i yell back: "DONT YOU SAY MY FUCKING NAME!!!!" as i point FURIOUSLY at the coach.

the coach and i have an awkward stare down but he breaks the silence by asking if i was going to be able to run with that helmet.

helmet?

i look to my right and i quickly realize i was holding a race car helmet and i had a full leather body suit. i then figured that i was meant to try out for the regent race team with david and brandon. BUT THAT JUST DOESNT MATTER ANYMORE because i now have this asshole coach that i have what it takes! (to play basketball in a full race suit)

i respond to the helmet question with, "I FALL DOWN A LOT!"

in my dream, that was so badass that the rest of the team OOOed ad AHHHed but thinking about it now......maaaaaaybe not the best "come back"

but the coach was impressed and let me stay. the man beside me (i say 'man' because he was in is forties) asks me how i did that and then i go on a rant about "power struggle" and upper hand" and "confident intimidation" that probably made no sense what so ever.

the coach yells out for wes and i to participate in a little one on one foot race.

length: two basketball courts wide and back. (trick is: there were games being played on these courts)

prize: undetermined but probably something totally sweet (both in taste and street cred)

READYSETGO!

now usually in a dream, the persons abilities are amped up to "dream-like" status that are usually superhuman. however, not in my fat filled dreams because this foot race was by far the most pathetic show of running. im even hesitant to call it 'running'. it was more like continuously falling forward and at the last second, catching yourself from falling by putting your foot forward.

my shoes seemed like they were covered in baby powder because the amount of slipping and running in place was absurd. but luckily for me...this WAS a universal standard because wes was doing just as poorly. in the middle of this shit show, i look to my left and see rick, the regent college maintenance man, racing us on the other side of the court AND HE IS KICKING OUR ASSES! his stride is flawless (not for a human but for some freak running robot)

but theres a chance for second! and i am determined to beat wes. THAT SON OF A BITCH! as i get a second wind at the end, i make a move to pass him with "lightening" speed. courteous wes had the time to say, "wow, that was a good move" while i was passing him.

my leather suit is full of sweat and right before i cross the finish line, i wake up.

i know its unofficial but i feel that i was victorious. SO to celebrate, i get out of bed...get on facebook and write, "YOU LOST SUCKER!" on his wes' wall.

New Idea?

2009-01-21T00:17:00.000-08:00

well its not really a special new idea in a sense that it will altar history or turn tradition upside down....like me going on some sort of diet or something (eating vegetables etc) but rather i need to stop being such a slack ass when it comes to updating this internet private journal thingy that no one but me reads. i share a lot of stuff with myself.

and yes mother, i DO eat vegetables so please dont send me ANOTHER email about your fear of me getting diabetes. which i have been thinking about recently...

mother, YOU (and you alone) are scared that i will get diabetes due to my "irresponsible" eating habits and yet YOU of all people would be held responsible and heres why:

well theres pretty much only one answer to that and that is:

THE MONTH OF DECEMBER!

yes, thats right, i see your secret plan and it all came to me when i was reading this!

ohhhhhhh im on to you "MOM", if thats even your real name! you play they whole "oh i hope my son doesnt get diabetes because he eats like shit all day blah blah blah", all the while you are cramming chocolate peanut butter balls down my throat. i DID think it was weird at dinner when the dinner rolls were being passed out, you gave ME the sugar coated fat rolls.

well, im in canada now so even if i did get YOUR disease (im saying 'your' not that you have this disease but that it was your plan on giving me this plan......maybe even a substitute for coal in my stocking for christmas), canada would just give me as much insulin as i wanted WITH A SMILE! and of course, i would smile back OH WAIT DAMMIT!!! i have just been rambling on without explaining my new idea!

ok, here it goes...shorter posts so that i can quickly fill peoples in on adventures and stories rather than carving out ample time for regular posts. so since this post as been going on aimlessly, how about i call it a day for this one. BOOM!

North Carolina

2009-01-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

it has been forever since i last wrote in my private journal so hopefully this wont be too long of a post. it will be about my adventures in north carolina. ok, here we go.

North Carolina: home of airplanes, cigarettes, confederate flags, deep fried foods, and deep fried confederate flags. well, not so much the last one but in my honest opinion, deep frying flags is way better (and more delicious) than flying one (or having one on your belt buckle).

but in all seriousness, north carolina rules. HARD. it has the MOST FURIOUS(sexy) state motto: ESSE QUAM VIDERI which means "to be, rather than to seem". yeah...pretty bad ass, i know. shut up.

there are good friends, good family, great food. note that i said great for food ONLY good for family and friends. my mom's fear of me getting diabetes is probably valid. i drank so much sweet tea over the holidays that i will definitely be getting some professional kidney stones soon. regent college will be filled with the screams of a man who has no regrets toward his personal eating habits.

i will miss:

bojangles cajun chicken filet biscuit combo with fries and bo'berry biscuits

boberry biscuits are blueberry biscuits with icing on them..making them a delicacy.

"why not call them blueberry biscuits?" said the naive costumer....well instead of blueberries, mr. bojangles has decided to use balls of purple "blueberry flavored" sugar balls instead. its science.

HEAVEN!!!!1111onewon

little richards bbq is another great establishment that will more than likely go out of business due to my lack of attendance. i will miss their famous chopped bbq pork sandwich and side of hush puppies. hushpuppies are pretty much deep fried corn bread thingies that are delicious.

ok, the pictures thus far that ive linked make those food items look unappetizing but I ASSURE YOU!!! they are absolutely wonderful. i mean, make sure to bring your first date to either of those fine family restaurants if you want to "kiss on the mouth" if you know what i mean wink wink.

well, just kiss on the mouth, theres really nothing more to that statement.

the best part about the christmas holiday is the delicious home cooking that only presents itself in the month of december. my mother slaved for hours in the kitchen only to later tell her beloved son, "you cant keep stuffing yourself anymore!"

heartbroken at first but my somber feelings were later subsided by the comfort of more chocolate covered peanut butter balls melting in my mouth. on one (of many) occasions where i had peanut butter balls in one hand and a slice of grandmother's brown stone cake in the other, my father (with a look of both concern and confusion on his face) said, "graham, you are the eatingest dude ive ever met!"

eatingest.

life goal number 6 complete! be responsible for the creation of a new word to describe the gluttonous behavior of a single white male. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i did it. and i did it with a maximum amount of chocolate running through my veins and a cavity filled smile on my face. oh, and a fat ass. i did it with a fat ass....we cant forget that vital part, now can we?

there were two main cities that i visited when i was in north carolina: winston-salem and raleigh.

WINSTON-SALEM

home of krispy kreme doughnuts, texas pete, camel cigarettes, and the birth place of graham flanagan bennett junior.

my stay in winston was warm, tasty, productive, relaxing, reminiscent, exciting, and most of all tasty1. visiting with family, friends from high school, and of course the CSC (carolina slice crew). this isnt a complete picture but its a pretty close attempt at a full attendance of the boys only club who love music, each other, soccer tennis, and mrs. richardson's sweet pink elixir.

there were a couple highlights in winston-salem:

1) SOC (sacred oath crew) FEST. the SOC is a straight edge crew who holds a music fest each year to raise money and food for the homeless in the community. it also gave me a chance to see most of my "music scene" friends. i put quotes around the music scene because i want to make it clear that we do other stuff than just listen to music together. such activities include: this. that. yep. come on. YES!

it was awesome to hang with everyone i hadnt seen in forever. hard tunes, hard dancing, hard basketball playing (the show was in a gym). advent played some great covers which was a nice surprise. torch runner was great.

2) i finished my triumph bonneville cafe racer! this was so awesome. i had been building this motorcycle for about 2 years or more. it arrived at my door in boxed and with the help of blood, sweat, tears, and john french...it was complete. and by complete, i mean it was running...old british bikes will never be "complete". to hear the brit twin roar with no mufflers was so amazing. the cold winter wind hitting my eyes as i pull the throttle back was the best christmas gift anyone could ever get. i worked on this bike for so long and touched ever single nut and bolt but could have never imagined the day to riding it. and then a couple days later I LEFT FOR CANADA leaving my beauty behind. dammit.

before:

after:

3) visiting my old high school because my sister now works there. she is the middle school counselor and teaches music appreciation to high school kids that think brittany spears and soulja boy are "musically talented"...they have a lot to learn...from my sister...who is teaching them. i dont go to this school anymore so this allows me to do two things:

a) visit with old teachers as friends (which is good because they are good people and i like good things with good people that are good and do good things with other good people. good.)

b) mess with the students. i focused on two areas: "boy advice" to middle school girls. and yelling at boys that said hey to my sister.

lil timmy: "hey mrs. metzler"

me: "DONT YOU TALK TO MY SISTER, ILL KIL YOU!!!!!11111onewon"

and yes. i yelled out the "11111onewon" part. lil timmy was scared and confused. mission accomplished. mission? more like life goal number 13. successfully scaring and confusing a 12 year old single white male.

i decided that i probably would be the best teacher in the world because i would more than likely cuss at the kids. i dont know, call me "dark", "ugly", or any other word that my mother would use to describe anything unpleasing, but cussing at kids is hilarious to me.

it was funny how much i said, "geez....kids these days..." while visiting the school that i spent more than half my time in the principles office. i remember in middle school having my name tag on one of the chairs in the principles office. good (unsafe) times. but seriously, kids these days...

4) miguel angel saavedra. enough said.

5) giving the best christmas gift EVER! oh, just a little pencil portrait of my sister and brother in law. its 12"x18" of pure golden glory that will safe the world.

behold!

my dad looked at it silently for a while and then after 10 minutes of studying the picture (or wondering why his son is "not right") he utters, "but why is martha an astronaut?" as if sam being a centaur totally makes sense.

yeah, whatever, im over it.

the standard procedure in winston-salem is to watch movies. i saw some great ones and some ok ones. the curious case of benjamin button and seven pounds were AMAZING (shut up garrett, you dont know what you are talking about)

yes man and valkyrie were good too. i saw yes man with my dad on afternoon (matinee prices!) and in the large theater...it was just me, my dad, and a single old man. in retrospect, we should have sat beside the old man and acted as if the theater was completely full...complaining about the cell phone going of 3 rows behind us.

i wanted to see marly and me because apparently everyone i know that has seen it....cries....like a little baby. SO, i wanted to see what the big deal was. i WAS going to go see it but SOMEONE totally blew it and didnt want to go because it was too late and SOMEONE had to wake up early. ill let it slide.....just this once!

RALEIGH

Bro-Zone Lair....raleigh's only accomplishment. who to thank for this? oh, me, karibbean, and cobra. the "daddies" of the infamous and irresistible BZL. ladies.....karibbean has mono so try to contain yourselves. he denies that he received the kissing disease via mouth contact but im just going to assume that he got it while "practicing" on a blind guy in fuquay-varina in exchange for personalized stationary.

raleigh was great because i got to spend about 4 days there. and let me tell you....those 4 days were FUN FILLED PACKED FUN WITH AWESOME JUICE 2K9.

highlights that make the "normal" person jealous:

1) new years eve party - dancing, prancing, lancing

2) gluttonfest - burgers and ice cream, feel like death, look like hell

3) video game friday - nazi zombies

4) first friday - dave eichenberger is an amazing artist

5) saturday morning bojangles - the usual

6) vintage21

7) post vintage21 brunch. - breakfast burrito at humble pie is the dank bank.

BOOM!

it was incredible and seeing everyone in raleigh was quite delicious. i love raleigh and i love the people that live there. they fill my body with magical feelings and caress my soul with fingers like an angel. a particularly heavyset angel who has "done bad" and got into the cookie dough....and now is licking all the cookie dough off his fingers with superb grace and surprising dexterity. a classy sight for anyone wanting to learn how to stick both hands in one's mouth and chew viciously yet leaving the fingers unharmed. im the cookie dough to the people of raleigh. or better yet, ill be the angel and raleigh be the cookie dough....thats probably a more logical metaphor. WELCOME TO LOGIC!

p.s. "special" thanks to jeffron the immortal for allowing me to sleep over and "party" late night.

some good pictures came out of raleigh that weekend:

there were no pictures of all the other amazing people such as jeffron the immortal, thien, spago, don don, dakota, ashleigh, etc so BLAME DARIUS!

this will do:

I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA AND MISS IT DEARLY!

__________________________________________

1 yes, i put tasty in there twice because: a) it deserves it and b) i may have tasted everything twice. shut up, IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS! i can let myself "get loose" with various food items

My Private Journal is getting good reviews

2008-12-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Graham Flanagan Bennett is a rising literary star. Relevant, authentic, emergent, and edgy, Bennett's prose sings in a key all its own. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll laugh again, and probably snort milk out of your nose. Graham's Private Journal is the one place in the blogosphere where margarine and love make peace on the page. Whatever you do, don't miss the Graham Train!!!!1111oneoneonewon" - Jeanne Damoff, author of Parting the Waters: Finding Beauty in Brokenness

Exams

2008-12-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

i have been more or less AWOL due to the amount of school work that has been "dealt with" this past couple weeks. its almost 8pm on thursday night and i have my last exam tomorrow at 1pm. i dont feel like studying very much tonight because my brain is dead and i just finished my 70th donut in 48 hours. every ounce of energy that my feeble fat body produces goes straight to my brain so ive lost all sense of simple bodily functions and normalcy. to be honest, i just erased my last word and replaced it with 'normalcy'. my original word was going to be 'regularities' which might spark some particular issues/images in what that word entails. so i opted out of it because i didnt want all my galfriends asking questions like if i was "irregular" or even out of the "Forever Living On as Women in Synchronization" or F.L.O.W.S for short.

now before you berate me of my quote on quote inappropriate claims of women synchronizing....please understand that a) ITS TRUE!!! i think....but thats what i hear and b) im pretty much out of my mind now soooo deal with it. ok, maybe its inappropriate for a male to talk about that sort of "lady issue" but whatever, that F.L.O.W.S thing was funny and "cute and clever".

i have to quote "cute and clever" out of respects to karibbean's little brother because when he was about 9 years old, his class was learning vocabulary and one of the words was 'vile'. and this conversation occurred later that day:

girl (probably a mean one): "hey zach, you are vile"

zach: "if by vile, you mean cute and clever, then yes, yes i am vile"

BOOM! he rules

i have noticed that exam week brings out the best and worst out of people and sometimes both. ill give you my exam schedule so you get a feel for what my week was like:

wednesday 1pm - old testament foundations

thursday 2:30pm - christian thought and culture

friday 1pm - hebrew

for the past two weeks have been studying/reading HARD. there really has been no time to fury dance at night so all the macdonalds and tim hortons have all got to OMG my ass. apparently no one told me that hours in the library do NOT equal hours in the gym. this was news to me and let me tell you....ive paid the price. the price of PREPPING MYSELF FOR ULTIMATE NORTH CAROLINA GLUTTONFESTS!!! darius....prepare pretzel town...the mayor is coming back.

this has been a reoccurring theme: me interrupting myself with NC excitement. I. AM. TITILLATED!

ok, back to the best and worst of people.

today my good friend luke exemplified both of these all in one day. i saw that exam week has affected him positively but also has made him lose his mind and make 'uncommon' decisions. i say 'uncommon' because i tend to make irrational choices and love abnormality so its really not up to me to condemn an action that the common person would find "strange"

so as it were, luke is in a full suit..charcoal 3 button suit, off white shirt (with cufflinks, not classless buttons) and a purple tie (thick, modern, sleek). some might think this was normal and maybe even sub-par but you really need to know that luke usually looks like a mix between this guy and this guy. and also, he never really dresses up, so to see him looking premium and ready for a GQ photo shoot (pre underwear photo shoot) is a pleasant delight and a rare of male sunshine in the cloudy days.

now then comes the worst...

20 minutes before the CTC exam starts today i ask him if he was ready. he said, "yes" and continued walking along....away from class...

"where are you going", i asked (as if we DIDNT have a final exam in 20 minutes!)

as luke turns to me with an expression of total serenity and confidence he promptly responds,

"im going to get a martini"

"oh"

but hey, i cheese toast with sugar...so whatever floats your boat, right?

one thing that i did want to happen was the following:

luke ordering a martini, realizing that he wouldnt be able to finish it (in an enjoyable) time and asking the bartender for a to-go cup... then taking the exam in a full suit, styrofoam martini class, montblanc pin, and yelling snooty and snide remarks the entire exam. such as:

"you call this (italics 'this' to show target of sarcastic tone) an exam?!? its more like finding out that you are more upset by spilling rare merlot on your italian suit pant1 than discovering your wife's affair with the co-founder of a multi-billion dollar company, am i right!?!?"

"oh yeah, co-founder....of a multi-billion dollar company.....right? purchase happiness? thank you please!"

no one understands those type of remarks but still, two types of laughter arises in response. one) pity laughter because they just feel sad for the guy and 2) genuine laughter (not for the incomprehensible remarks, but rather because his forehead vein swims through his hair plugs like a champion dog through the weave poles)

the exam went well i think. we had to HANDwrite, i repeat HANDwrite and essay.....what are we? CAVEMEN? this is ridiculous. i demand some sort of gift/cookie/anything to ease the pain of writing with my own pencil instead of typing like a real American. as i was proofreading (yes, i do that now, grad school baby), i realize how AWFUL my handwriting is. i mean, not only does is it not legible, but it just looks stupid. my tutorial professor's handwriting on the other hand, is how do you say in english, totally sexy fun awesome times. i got my research paper back and flipped back to read the comments (gotta B+ whatever im over it, suck it early scholasticism!) and to my delight was the COOLEST handwriting ever! well, maybe not ever, but it was really awesome. aesthetically, it was awesome. however it took a good 2 minutes for me to read the first word...which was INTERESTING!!! yeah, he thought i wrote an interesting paper, again, whatever, im over it.

so i feel sorry for the TAs that grade the CTC exams because it will take them forever to read mine...probably leading them to get pissed and giving me a B (because my last name starts with a B wink wink and i like bologna)

do i?

______________________________________

future conversation with my editor:

dakota: "hey graham, you put 70th donut....did you mean 7th donut?"

me: "no"

north carolina -> four days. get ready.

_____________________________________________________

1 - it is a singular pant because it is one article of clothing. not pants. "but there are two legs" so what, there are two arms to my shirt but its still a shirt not shirts

Excuse me, I'm going to have to speak to Tim Horton!

2008-12-04T21:39:00.001-08:00

as i'm walking up 19th ave towards dunbar st. i get the sudden urge to sing while i walk. at the moment, pedro the lion's song, I DO, is playing in my ears (via ipod woot). the song is great and i am only hoping someone is listening. look up the lyrics please.

where am i going? oh, well its 9pm and i havent eaten dinner yet so with a pocket full of quarters, im walking towards tim hortons. as im envisioning the turkey bacon club combo, my mouth begins to water and my body turns into a ravenous lion as if to prey on an unsuspecting zebra.

in reality this means: i start drooling on myself and rubbing my belly as tim hortons (who has been pre-warned to prep the store by padding the corners and evacuating the women and children) is more than expecting me.

i walk in ready to party when i notice a line....bummer.

then i notice a hefty man at the register who is having some "serious issues" about his bill.

man - "whoa whoa wait, how is this 13.88!!???"

clerk - "well, its 13.22 sir"

man - "whatever! i got 2 combos! 4.10 plus 4.10, and how is that 13.88!!??"

man - "just give me the receipt....ill call the store and fix it myself!"

clerk - "this new receipt or the original one"

man - "THE ONE THAT THERE DAMMIT WHATEVER COME ON THERE THAT RECEIPT 13.88"

man - "the receipt with the 2 combos!............ oh and i got a ice capp................oh yeah, and i got this....." (so i think he finally understood where is 13.22 came from but was too far into it to quite)

clerk - just staring at him at this moment

guy in line - "hahahaha"

man - looking at guy in line as if they were on the same team and giving him the look like, "yeah, do you believe this clerk, this is ridiculous, we should hang out sometime and take steroids"

guy in line - "oh no, im not laughing at her....im laughing at you!" (pointing at man for ultimate clownage)

me - "HAHAHAHAHA YES!"

man - now looks at me

me - "oh, dont worry, im just laughing at what he (guy in line) said

FINALLY!!

i get too order and i get the turkey bacon club combo (as stated before)

turkey bacon club sub (with honey mustard....screw you eva, its delicious!)

choice of donut......canadian maple this time, yes please pipers

can of pepsi.......pepsi really just isnt as good as COCA-COLA CLASSIC

i needed this fuel for exams are coming up and im kinda worried. there is so much information that my brain is about to explode. so i am off to continue my millions and millions of pages of readings of the books

Two Days In A Row!!

2008-11-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

yeah, thats right...posting two days in a row. what are you going to do? call the cops!?!? dont make me laugh. (he he he....maybe a little girly giggle) BUT THATS IT!

anyways, canada doesnt even have cops! i can jaywalk all i want AND NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP ME!! suckers. i dont even care, im over this like when jeffron is over the world (when hes skydiving)

like zach is over 'call of duty' when he gets bozoed1 by darius

like kalib is over me by getting a new girlfriend (this is bullshit....get ready for the fury fight of a lifetime over christmas break "tree-dog!!")

like cobra is over american politics when they apparently withdrew the "necessary rule" of having awesome facial hair to be president. "but but but obama has a great smile..." I DONT CARE!! chester a. arthur DIDNT NEED to smile!!

anyways, the purpose of this post is to share "Photos by Darius". well not all of them because there are a lot. however, ill just share the ones chosen.

these were taken before i moved to canadaland. before i moved, i was interning HARD at my church in raleigh. so as a going away gift, i wanted to give my bosses a nice 11" x 15"ish portrait of me for their offices. so i commissioned the infamously progressive photographer Darius for the epic job. after weeks of preparation and massaging each other's brains for ultimate creativity...our brains finally made love and our intellectual offspring took over the project and created these pictures:

the rest can be viewed by clicked the link in the "Photos by Darius" above.

____________________________

1 "bozoed" is the new "clowned"

As I'm sitting here

2008-11-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

eating the official food of the Bro-Zone Lair, i realize that this is the best opportunity for a little bloggy journal update. i havent written a substantial post in quite some time and im quite jealous of mr. cobra's zeal and rapid fire posting. but i am 100% positive that all the jealousy with transferred from me to him once he views the "official food" picture and sees that it is a delicious platter of ants on a log (prepared and devoured by yours truly)

i think there is peanut butter on my keyboard though...

my grad school is interesting because for one of the assignments, we were to do a "creative diagrammatic summary" of either: exodus, samuel, or job. the reason for this grad school crayon activity is so that we get to do something other than write papers. this is right up my alley because to quote my 11th grade english teacher, "you're just not a good writer"....so i will exceed with my artistic interpretations.

the project was to be limited to 2 pieces of paper...and we had to portray the structure, sub-structure, themes, sub-themes, etc ALL IN A CREATIVE WAY.

i chose the book of job. because its awesome and my idea to present it was supremium!

unfortunately i turned it in without getting a picture of it. im an idiot. however, i can still explain what i did and then ill post the whole thing later.

well, job apparently found out about the internets (specifically the facebooks) and created a profile for himself. (again, not a real profile, just one on the papers....so dont go searching for Job on the facebooks)

Job had a profile picture, information, notes, gifts....and most importantly he had a extensively filled wall.

all the different sections of the books structure was marked off by status changes:

JOB is suffering

JOB is talking to his three "genius" friends

JOB is listening to Elihu

JOB is talking to God

JOB is redeemed!

all the wall posts were all the discussions from his friends. lets meet the players:

so pretty much if i dont get like 200% and $1000 on this assignment then im going to destroy life and eat everything.

regardless of the grade, i really enjoyed re-reading Job and thoroughly studying it...its such an awesome (and brutal) book.

well last night was a party (and i went to it). the theme of this party was "Bollywood" and apparently i didnt know what that meant because i dressed like aladdin....aladdin in the 21st century of course. i made aladdin pants out of my bed sheet and my shoes were totally awesome. "thats what they looked like back then!!" i kept yelling as my friend matt tried to explain that ancient egypt had nothing to do with this party. whatever, i looked great.

after the party, laura, michelle, gini, eva, and i (thats right, girls night out!) went to tim horton's after the party. gini (mamma g, virg), eva (baby feminist spice), and i went inside to get some yum yums. laura (too lame) and michelle (too classy) stayed in the car. as we were waiting in line, i start to hear chatter about my attire from a group of young partiers.

me - "im aladdin!" (as i start to dance)

group - "OMG LOOK AT HIS SHOES!!!"

me - "well, yeah, how else would i steer my magic carpet?"

after the "high" of witnessing the true aladdin, one of the human female partiers proceeded to "fall asleep" in a tim horton "chair". laura and michelle later told us that they were thoroughly entertained with the situation in tim hortons that night. i had fun. the partiers had fun. eva hated her turkey/bacon sandwich because it had honey mustard on it BUT SHES FOOLISH BECAUSE HONEY MUSTARD IS THE DANK BANK! gini was wanting to enjoy her hot chocolate but according to tim horton, "chocolate drank" should only be consumed at boiling temperatures. as for me....I KILLED MY APPLE JUICE AS IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT or if BZL pledging was back in full force! yum goody yay!

well tomorrow (monday) marks the first day of READING WEEK!!!!!! YAAAAYY!!

however, unlike the first reading week, im going to be DISCIPLINED and WAKE UP EARLY to read and work because i have so much work that my face is melting off just thinking about it. i feel like i have to read the entire old testament in one week. also, my insides are crying when i think of hebrew...im so far behind that its not even funny! unless its not happening to you, then its HILARIOUS! soooo feel free to make fun of me and laugh at my expense.....ill eat you.

however, mornings and afternoons will be dedicated to studying but i definitely want to take the advantage of no school for a week to explore the vast and wonderful city of vancouver. i want to be on an adventure every night! IT WILL BE AMAZING! ill walk around all the parts of the city and try to tap into the premium night life of dance-offs, rap battles, and cinnamon roll eating contests!

no longer will i settle for 3 movies a day! (although that does sound awesome)

OH! i just remember that since i dressed like aladdin for that party...i really want to have a party (not at my place) where the theme is that you dress up like your favorite disney character. mine of course would be from disney's robin hood. ill let you guess which one id be.

so yeah, someone have this party. and ill bring a plethora of milks and oreo cookies.

Fun in the Atrium

2008-11-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

the amount of effort and energy it takes for a toddler to climb into a chair is absurdly excessive and ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL!!

Locust - update

2008-11-17T10:04:00.001-08:00

Have Heart

2008-11-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Have Heart: this band has filled my nubile ears for a couple weeks now. i really enjoy this hardcorey hardcore band from boston. the song "bostons" has given me great feelings in my body while i dance to the bus stop and yell the lyrics in the library. speaking of the library...im there a lot. all the time. reading and reading and partying HARD. my research paper is due wednesday so i have been diving my cute little nose in the stacks of the regent library like kid in a candy shop (which is actually a little less rambunctious than me in a candy shop)

so my desk is piled high with books about the eucharist. specifically what the theologians from the early scholastic period thought. apparently this eucharist issue (and all its meanings) was hot topic for debate and discussion in the 11th and 12th century. so as im reading about berengar, peter lombard, anslem, guibert, gerhoh, peter comestor and others, my head fills with so many amazing thoughts and perspectives on this single little sacrament. a lot of those theologians were influenced by the early fathers like augustine but also used platonic and aristotelian ideas to express their points. very interesting.

speaking of augustine and this sorta goes back to my original thought on have heart BUT augustine would be the greatest hardcore vocalist EVER!!! especially reading his masterpiece, "confessions", all i think about is making a hardcore band and just getting up to scream his book.

so the whalewatchers video was a success! im really happy with the way it turned out and i think everyone really enjoyed it. special thanks to iain and suzie for helping me film AND providing me with premium presence in the video. if suzie wasnt able to do it, i would have just substituted "graham chasing a girl" to "graham chasing an ice cream truck". the latter would actually have been more believable. maybe next time. maybe ill do an Advent music video and at the end, i would flip over the ice cream truck, destroy the driver, and eat EVERYTHING!!!!!!111onewon

oh, and i talked to my mom earlier this week and she said she loved the video (especially since there was a girl in it). however, her hopes were crushed and her heart was broken when i had to let her know that suzie was married to iain. and in a desperate attempt to save her hopes, she asked about the girl that i "made out with". she was bummed out again when i told her that the margarine make out session was also a made up story. sorry mom.

im really glad that my macbook camera provided superior quality for the music video. Apple should just go ahead and give me a million dollars for creating a masterpiece on their iMovie. which brings me to my top 2 career choices at this time:

1) film maker who is limited to using the iMovie

2) corporate jester

now before you(dad) tell me im an idiot-boy, let me explain...

as a film maker, i would create artistic representations of real life by capturing every emotion that a human being experiences and because of Apple's wealth, i would be guaranteed like a billion dollar pay check (a week) so i would limit myself to be the #1 representative for iMovie and other Apple products. my sound engineer/producer would be darius on garageband. and with this billion dollar pay check (a week), i would be able to redistribute the wealth so that there would be no more homelessness and hunger. snack packs and luxury shacks for all! (ok, well maybe houses but houses didnt rhyme with snack packs)

as a corporate jester, i would turn miserable lives into HAPPY lives. we are always told that we need to pursue our dreams and if we arent happy with our jobs, then we are dumb....but i think thats a little unrealistic because most people will have to have a mundane job in the corporate place to support their family. well this gets into the STUPID notion that peoples lives are defined by their jobs but i wont get into that right now. im here to explain my idea for the corporate jester. so for those that have sacrificed their quote on quote dreams to work a mundane job 8 hours a day so that they can support their family and feed their kids, well THEY deserve some delicious services from graham bennett. sorry jonas, not that kind of services....go take a bath....siiiiiiiiinner.

i will go into the corporate skyscraper just like any other accountant/analyst/economist/computer person/etc, except my job will be going to every floor, and every cubicle to form friendships and to entertain. i will raise spirits like a yeast raises the bread (except i wont smell like a subway sandwich restaurant....again). now, people will think that i would be distracting the workers and that the company will fail because of my irresponsibility but i dont know how to put this but THEY ARE IN THE WRONG! because of my carefree spirit, skillful joke delivery and ability to connect with EVERYONE, these corporate robots that once hated their 8 hour mundane jobs, will now be alive and happy to come to work. production and efficiency would increase BY A MILLION PERCENT!! for those who think that lame "team building" exercises build morale, they need to be slapped. by my foot. true friendships and the jokes that follow will only spark true morale.

and i may have another agenda as well. we all know that the corporate paycheck distribution is not ideal. the fat cats on top who are more than likely there by corrupt politics are taking in the majority of the monies while the rest of the company (the ones actually doing the work) arent getting what they deserve. SOOOOOOO after being there for a while, i would some how jester my way into the company bank account's panties and then ROBIN HOOD FTW!!!

OR better option would be to form relationships with those fat ass cats on the top floor (i would be accepted because of my girth alone) and share Jesus with them so that their hearts would change and they would be doing the redistribution themselves. THAT WOULD ALSO BE FTW!

SO, my goals for life are finding myself in the position to:

1) be a disciple of Christ
2) make people laugh

all other things are just minor details.

im also getting back into art:

It's Come to My Attention

2008-11-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

im a real boy.

The Whalewatchers - Pretty Money

2008-11-03T10:17:00.001-08:00

just something i put together for some buddies in north carolina.

OMG NINE DAYS!

2008-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

so according to my korean friend (who is currently in korea) told that its been 9 days since my last post. annyong. so i guess im due to write in this thing. however i dont have ample battery life in my computer for me to really devote quality time to this post. so ill try my best to write all the "important" things before i am cut off. no, im not going to plug my computer in...just shut up!

NINE DAYS!

a lot has happened in nine days and it going to take sooooo much effort in remembering all the steamy details. ill start with the things that i missed from my last post. i remembered later that i had forgotten to add a very KEY MOMENT.

iain, suzie, and i were hanging out and they told me about a haunted house around the corner from their (better than mine) basement apartment. after we consume the best lasagna in the world (THANKS SUZIE!) we started heading towards the house. on the way, iain was explaining that they came across this house in the "building" stage....some guy just putting stuff in his yard. oh great. stuff in the yard....im so excited.

however, as we near the house, screams of frightened humans filled our anticipating ears. we get to the house and i see the most absurd thing ever. this family has turned their entire front yard into an enclosed house of doom.

now, i can feel the skepticism through the internetz but i assure you....this was professional.

we enter (free woot woot) and enter a small room that was filled to the brim of horror/halloween decorations and "dead" things. ooooo scaryyyyy (please)

then things turned for the worse and iain, suzie, and i were screaming/grabbing each other/crying/and urinating ourselves. (not necessarily in order)

there was room after room with endless themes and "workers" dressed up in costumes and scaring the shit our of you. this was by far the best haunted house ive ever been to. this enclosed house of death included ALL the front AND back yard. IT WAS HUGE and you had no idea what was a fake person or a real person waiting to scare you. it was awesome. the pattern of screams to laughs was great. ( i got my ab workout for the year)

and canadians arent messing around...every haunted house ive been to before, the "scary demons" werent allowed to touch you. in canada? false. right when i thought, ohhh if wont be scary, they will say boo and thats it.....HOLY CRAP THIS DEMON IS YELLING AT ME AND AND GRABBING ME HELP HELP HEEEELLLPPPP!!!!

it was so awesome. i cant wait to go back.

NEXT!

ive discovered something great. AND it fits perfectly with my grad school....

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

oh yes. the whole bible is translated for you kitty kats. some of my favorites:

JOB 38:1

Ceiling Cat startz tokking an wont shuddup

1 And teh Ceiling Cat sez in teh windz:
2 "OMG, WTF iz u sayinz? u iz a noob!

EZEKIEL 23:20

20 She liekd teh guys with teh big dixxxes... teh RLY big uns, like donkeys LOL... and massiv cumbuckits like horse

nooooooow im learning!

NEXT!

see now im pissed that ive waited so long because ive forgotten everything. im dumb.

oh wait.

i hiked up a mountain sunday. and then we went back down just to go back up another peak. it was good though. laura, virg, dan (karibbean's camp crush), and myself met up at dans house at 7am. early. we drive to THE CHEIF because we were going to show it whos boss.

the climb was super awesome and was just pretty much a steep rock staircase the entire way up. once we got to the top, the view was PREMIUM. i could see north carolina!!! so i tried to spit on it. however, the wind sent it right back and it hit me in the face. i guueeessssss i deserved that.

side note: i miss north carolina. it rules. the people rule. the food rules. the end.

i was exhausted after the hike so my body is currently on broken mode right now. and apparently i used my left leg 80% of the time because it is SO SORE. quads.

OH!

halloween party is this friday and my costume is going to BLOW YOUR MIND!

so you know how halloween (for girls) is the day where its OK to dress like a whore????

is it OK? false. you look like an idiot AND i know you are freezing because its late october.

and maybe it would be more acceptable if you just actually said what you were dressed as. for example...if i asked...

me - "oh, what are you dressed as?"

girl - "im a prostitute that has a fetish with cotton balls"

me - "wow, well, you really pulled it off....congratulations?"

me - "here, take my jacket...or youre going to die"

HOWEVER...this is how the conversation really happens...

me - "oh, what are you dressed as?"

girl - "IM A LAMB!! seeeeee, i have a cotton balls here, here and here"

me - "you just pointed to your nipples and crotch....this is just awful. i dont even know whats going on...this cant be acceptable"

me - "here, take my jacket...or you will probably get groped by a phi delt"

and sometimes these costumes dont make any sense. its as if they were playing mad libs and read: 'slutty (noun)' and went from there.

so, im going as a SLUTTY NOTEBOOK!!

i mean, i own post-it notes right?

so i figure, ill just get naked and wear three (perfectly placed) post-it notes.

and before my fellow brothers from the bro-zone lair comment on how i need a billion post-it notes or more efficiently 3 billboards to cover my body.....just remember guys....SEXY NOTEBOOK!

general updates:

1) no girlfriend (sorry martha)

2) no boyfriend (mom, im not gay)

3) still fat

4) danny is an idiot because its only been 8 days

End of Reading Week

2008-10-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

reading week began with an ultimate high and naturally, this led to a steady downfall. the furious make out session maybe wasnt the best thing for the beginning of the week because now, the rest of the week pales in comparison. im going to attempt to describe the week with the best of my ability. now, to make this post seem somewhat decent, please shove crayons up your nose until you have forgotten about the previous post of majestic wonder.

well first off, we had movie night pretty much every night of the week. movies ranging from definitely, maybe to wall-e to eastern promises. if any of you want to see viggo mortensen aka LOTR's aragorn in a brutal (yet sensually inspiring) naked fight scene while covered in tattoos then eastern promises is the movie for you...so is the labyrinth...for different reasons.

we did however make it to the actual movie theater one night. the movie we saw was nick and norah's infinite playlist. it was funny and fun. a real fun funny flick. in the middle of the movie however I, the only person who found this awesome, started "hootin' and hollarin' " like jesus did when God clowned Job in Job 38. (maybe this wasnt exactly recorded in the bible but im sure it happened)

nick and norah both claimed to be straight edge which was awesome because i couldnt think of any other movie where straight edge is mentioned. later, my friend garrett told me about an underground film that was made called "the edge of quarrel" where straight edge is mentioned but it was never on the silver screen so im not counting it. also, apparently it sucked (aside from good live footage of Botch). zach, have you seen this? you look great.

tuesday night was a special night. by special, i mean we didnt do the same thing as every other night of the week. in my CTC lecture, we have tutorial groups that meet once a week and discuss the lectures and the readings. now, i know what you are going to say...and i know that most universities have tutorial groups buuuuut do your tutorial groups meet at the professors house for desserts??? and get to know each other while eating delicious sweets??? i thought not.

each tutorial group is led by a professor (not necessarily the professor that leads the lecture) so my tutorial group leader is craig gay and the TA is steve watts. ghita, laura, virg and i all go together to craigs house. to get to craigs house, one has to leave the comforts of marked roads and street lights. it was quite dark as we were trying to find out where his house was. as we were slowly cruisin' through the neighborhood like a car of gang members searching for the next squirrel to practice our drive-by skillz we see a person with a reflective vest on. this person was pretty far ahead of us and he all admired his "safety first" attitude. did i mention that this person was 15 feet tall? AND IT WAS COMING RIGHT FOR US!!! in an unusually slow trot.

ghita started freaking out because she hates tall people and wanted to run her car into his kneecaps but i assured her that she had nothing to be afraid of. for this man was merely riding a horse. ghitas nerves calmed and the blood rushed back to her white knuckles of annihilation. unfortunately laura is deathly afraid of horses and vomited ALL OVER ME. it was so gross and i panicked because i didnt want to go into craigs house with laura vomit all over me. (did i mention she was eating paint earlier that day?)

so my body looked like a jackson pollock painting that had been used as a beer pong table at the latest phi delt party.

on the bright side, ghita had a change of clothes in her trunk. problem solved?

of course not!

i looked like a bag of mashed potatoes with a few rubber bands wrapped around it. her t-shirt was broken and the pants she gave me left nothing to the imagination. to everyones surprise, the night went swimmingly and craig even complimented me on my classy attire. THE END of tuesday night!

everyday of the week, i woke up late and went to some coffee shop to spend hours and hours reading. although it felt like i accomplished a lot, i really didnt. reading week was like eating at a chinese restaurant. i spend hours eating my plate of general tso's chicken and when i feel like my stomach cant take another bite, i look down and see a full plate in front of me! IS THIS MUTATING OR SOMETHING!?

oh, and apparently 23 = 102 in fat years because my lower back is killing me. for the past couple years, my lower back every once and a while gets sore but this time its different. i started doing some ab workouts (eating more) and stretching my hamstrings and glutes. the past two nights ive slept on the floor with two rolled up towels. one under my neck and one under my lower back. it definitely helps a little but i dont want to get used to it...i want my back to be normal. suzie, iain's wife, was "nagging" my back and definitely could tell a difference with one vertebra. she kept saying it was "softer than the others" but she told me not to quote her on that so please ignore the previous quotation marks.

dr. ghita told me to go to the doctor and i told her that ive already been to TWO doctors.

DR. BENNETT (hey, thats me!)

and

DR. INTERNETS

nurse youtubes is pretty good at showing me how to stretch. she has soft hands.

what else is new....

oh!

waiting for laundry equals perfect time for experimenting.

this morning (while waiting for my laundry to finish) i put a ton of pomade in my hair because i wanted to see if i could give myself a pompadour. ive never attempted this before but then again, laundry takes forever.

so im going to town and realize that no matter how much pomade i used, the brand i had wasnt going to cut it. i need murray's pomade. regardless of the lack of murray's i had, i managed to create a decent pompadour. no, there are no picture because it was "decent", not extreme! ill have to grow my hair out some more, buy murray's and try again. ill never be able to match this guy.

i cant wait till next laundry day! GOODY YAY

so laundry was done and i so i hop in the shower to wash all this crap out. after three shampooings, the pomade was still in there. ohhh shits. whatever im over it. ill have to try again with either hand soap or dish detergent.

ive decided that laundry day will either lead me to be the greatest inventor on earth or dead from some ridiculous accident. either way i will make the headlines.

"genius man invents..."

"stupid man dies from..."

OR IF IM LUCKY...

"BREAKING NEWS: MAN INVENTS NEW AWESOME WAY TO DIE!"

Truth or Dare

2008-10-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

my life will never be the same. who knew that an innocent get together at josh's place on a friday night would be the catalyst for such a life changing event? i sure didnt. the evening began with a phone call from gini. gini's real name is virginia (she's from virginia) but she goes by gini. i, one the other hand, call her virg. the pronunciation of 'virg' is just how you say the first part of the state, or in this case name, virginia. i find that virg is a more fitting name to her personality as she is always on the verge of beating me up whenever i call her virg.

as im talking to virg on the phone, she expresses her true purpose of this certain phone call. she wanted to see if i would join her and ghita for a lovely dinner at a yet to be determined restaurant. we were all planning on going to josh's place for the evening but they wanted to grab dinner before the hang out session for obvious energy requirements. after the phone call, i was trying to think of a quality yet moderately priced place for consuming food. while taking a break of contemplating delicious restaurants near josh's lair, i called ghita to see if she could pick me up on her way to picking up gini.

now, some would view this request as a rude and imposing gesture but i assure you, it was neither. i was a polite gentleman as i looked at google maps to make sure that i was, in fact, on the way to gini's house aka the nunnery. i made sure my proposition was full of the genuine "ma'ams", "pleases", and "thank yous". ghita of course complied. one thing about ghita, is that she is generous and compassionate. she is actually in the middle of her residency of becoming a pediatrician and decided to take a year off to come study at regent.

as i awaited for ghita's call to inform me that she was outside, i was diligently putting in some hours at The Internets. as i published my previous internet private journal entry, my phone vibrates on the ikea wooden table. half startled and half excited, i picked up the phone. ghita's lost but luckily only about a block away. so i walked outside to greet her and expressed my giddy anticipation for the delicious food we were about to devour. i told her my restaurant suggestion and her facial expression was that of an unimpressed father who just found out that his only daughter is dating a boy with a belly button ring.

i was baffled that she wasn't as excited as i was about going to The Sushi King House. she explained that she didn't really like sushi but then said that she's only had it a couple times back home in saskatoon, saskatchewan...a place known for calling hoodies 'bunny hugs', and not known for its sushi.

by the time the freezing car ride to gini's was over, i had convinced her to give sushi another try since we are in the land of asians. however the heat of my excitement was almost extinguished by ghita's poor choice to keep the windows down in the car. i mean, come on!

we pick up and gini and head to the sushi king. the dinner was filled with balance of laughter, wise words, and profanities from both the ladies. gini was frustrated that she couldn't eat the sushi pieces in one bite and ghita was just about to lose it as she was unable to use chop sticks. how embarrassing. this is the very restaurant that my landlord took me that was known for its extremely and unnecessarily large sushi rolls.

after the wonderful dinner, the three of us treated ourselves with premium gelato. i of course chose the most professional pairing of dark chocolate and coffee. i was in heaven. well, at least the gelato shop in heaven.

finally, it was time to take our full bellies to josh's. the first thing i do when we got there was grab and dr. pepper and joined josh for some guitar hero. regardless who won (he won), we had to keep reminding the girls to stay calm and not take their tops off. josh's axe shredding skills and my unbeatable stage presence led the girls in a downward spiral of lust and perversion. as josh and i saw that we were making the women stumble, we respectfully laid our axes down. as this point, the door bell rang. it was luke.

luke is feisty little ball of energy. his constant poking at my recently worked out pectoral muscles does not bid me well. i repeat, does NOT bid me well. please stop it luke, you further tenderize my already tender body. aside from the sadistic side, luke is also one of the most brilliant and well rounded people i know. i love listening to his intense and knowledge filled conversations. his love for jesus and humankind is something to admire...even if he pokes my sore buff boobies.

while he wailed at guitar hero, the rest of us played foosball. josh and i represented Team Awesome while gini and ghita represented Squad Fail. Josh and I were able to perfect our victory dance while the g-girls were able to master their sobbing technique.

the next thing on the agenda was to play a friendly game called 'asshole'. asshole is a fun game that is usually played as a drinking game. since we werent drinking, we decided to tweak the rules a little bit. for example, whenever the 'social' card was played, we didnt all drink but rather high-fived each other. it was great. another alteration was incorporating 'truth or dare' in the game. whenever the president put his thumb on the table, the last person to put their thumb on the table was asked a truth or dare question. the asshole of each round was also asked a truth or dare question.

the five of us were not only having a blast but also learning some "truths" about each other. then came the moment that would lead to the driving force that would change my life. ghita was last to put her finger down as josh, the president, sneakily put his thumb down while someone put down the social card. as everyone was distracted by making sure to high-five each other, ghita was the last to catch on to josh's devilish plan. josh then proceeded to ask ghita whether she preferred a truth or dare. ghita's bold response left all of us thinking of what the dare could be. a previous dare that luke had to preform was extremely fun to watch so josh pressured ghita to do the same dare. she was to eat a spoonful of margarine. as she attempted to down the tasty (if used in moderation) spread, she gagged and spat it out. so as she couldnt complete the dare, she switched to a truth. technically you cant really switch between truths and dares but we made an exception because the rest of us couldnt bare watching ghita gag on fake butter again.

josh looks intently into ghita's eyes and says, "of the first year guys at regent......who would you kiss?"

the room fell silent as the rest of us waited in anticipation of her answer.

she tried to explain that she didn't know anyone well enough etc etc but josh explained that this was more hypothetical than anything and that she wasn't expected to ask the person out on a date in the near future. she ran her fingers through her blond hair as she was deeply thinking of what to say. her hesitation made sense only when she finally said the person who her lips desired...for that person was in the room!

the butterflies of my heart filled my stomach as she muttered the very name that my parents gave me 23 years ago! oh how beautiful is was to hear my moniker in a woman's sensual voice. as the other three oooed and aaahhhed like school kids on a playground, ghita and i blushed uncontrollably. this however was only the appetizer at cafe life changers.

the game continued and the main course of the life changing meal arrived a couple rounds later as the truth or dare question was laid upon ghita once more. this time i was president so i asked ghita, "truth or dare?" she responded with dare because she couldn't face another truth question. now, since i was president, i had the final decision on what dare to enforce. josh immediately yells out his suggestion for dare....which was for ghita to kiss me! the butterflies in my stomach turned to war rhinos that were fighting over the last cinnamon roll. however, i didn't want to be the creepy president to force a girl to kiss him so i laughed away josh's suggestion. while i was trying to think of a good dare, josh had rallied up gini and luke in a campaign to make the kiss happen.

their peer pressure was thicker than the margarine that ghita gagged on earlier. before i could do anything, ghita caved to their peer pressure. her wild desire took over her body like a master puppeteer and i was paralyzed as she leapt over the table with eyes filled with passion. although time was in slow motion, the combination of fear and excitement gripped my heart and froze my body. i couldn't run away nor did i want to. ghita grabbed my face with her pediatric hands and as the spectators used their hands to close their gaping mouths, ghita slightly opened hers.

my eyes were fixed on her eyes and hers on mine. it was like a fairy tale as all i could hear in my head was the acoustic version of Radiohead's "Lucky". are these the very moments that poets and artists find their inspirations? these surreal times of overwhelming emotion? was this "my time", my time to truly know what its like to touch someone else's lips with my own? the only reference i've ever known was the new years party of 2005 where brad dexter forced a pity kiss on me because, being a good friend, he felt sorry that i didn't have a significant other to smooch with as the ball dropped. this was all about to change.

as ghita's confident lips began to caress my quivering lips, i could see the imaginary grand parade in the air. angels and dragons were dancing around fireworks as sigur ros and radiohead played together in perfect unity and a waterfall of sweet tea poured over my body.

we embraced as if we were alone and as our tongues collided, my mouth was filled with the taste of margarine. it was fate that allowed me to feast on the margarine coated mouth as if God himself wanted to put me in a comfortable situation (i used to practice kissing a buttered baked potato when i was a child.......last year).

as we released, my heart was pounding out of control and i finally knew was it felt like to kiss a human female. the rest of the evening was a blur as i was just stunned by a buttered mouth. we continued the game and ghita and i had a hard time concentrating. her eyes were constantly gazing at me while i was too much in a post-kissing high that i couldn't function as a human being.

the night winded down as we were now watching the movie, 'definitely, maybe'. josh kept insisting that ghita and i cuddle or hold hands at least but both of us were well on our way down awkward avenue to stop and hold hands. i could see in ghita's eyes that if the goofy spectators weren't present, the hand holding would have been top on her list of things to do. she was smitten as i, on the other hand, was constantly thinking of butter.

we left josh's apartment and everyone said their goodbyes. the boys went to the boys car and the girls went to the girls car. ghita and i said bye as if that 'bye' was no different than every other 'bye' but in reality it was the most emotionally filled 'bye' in the history of humankind. this particular 'bye' could be used to create peace on earth. if this 'bye' was a sandwich, it would easily outdo a double big mac from mcdonalds.

only God knows the future of the event that occurred that friday night. the mystery is the beginning of another story within a story. there is only one thing for sure that can be taken away from this story and that is:

margarine is not only a substitute for butter but also a preferred substitute for saliva.

The Internets are angry

2008-10-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

what the hell is wrong with me? another week has gone by without me updating my private journal. my last post was written last weekend and the subject matter was about the weekend before that! and im pretty sure i was supposed to write about that weekend earlier this week but nay, ive waited until now. friday. so i have to write about last weekend AND this week? do i have a choice? well the company im working for, The Internets, pays me 45,000 a year to write this journal and one of the requirements was to write about everything interesting, regardless of how behind i get. so here it goes.

well, it was a moist and cloudy day last friday and Graham decided that it would be polite (with a hint of sexy) to tell the hard working bus driving technician that he loved him and his loyalty to the TransLink - South Coast British Columbia Transportation Authority. Before the seductive love poem could leave Graham's mouth, the bus suddenly slammed into this little kidaaaah SCREW IT!! you know what The Internets...I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! you can take the 45000 and shove it up your ass! you cant make me write about every little mundane event! its just nonsense! ohhh im fired? well YOURE FIRED! FROM LIFE! JERKS. aaahh HA! graham: 1, internets: 0!!! pew pew pew!

ok, in reality its more like graham: -45000 and internets: a billion monies

so, now ill just try to focus on the highlights.

last weekend: saturday night we had game night at christa, julie, heather and lindsay's apartment. it was totally awesome because:

1) fresh cookies

3) good friends

3) tons of games

7) fresh cookies

i also got to experience playing a new game that id never even heard of. it was settlers of catan. apparently its sooo popular everywhere in the world and that im an idiot for not knowing it existed. well whatever. but it was a lot of fun! i lost though. i came close once but then i lost. and cried. and then ate all the pieces.

after settlers, we all played spoons. that came rules and i pretty much won every single time!!! im so awesome. if spoons was a olympic sport, i would get the gold medal for sure. if spooning was an olympic sport, then the country Bro-Zone Lair would DOMINATE THE WORLD.

the people at the party will claim that i didnt win at spoons. but they are liars and who believes liars anyways? stupid people do, thats who. are you stupid? thats what i thought.

i feel like i did something awesome sunday night but it was sooooo long ago that i forgot. sorry, The Internets...please take me back baby.

the week was full of reading and studying as usual. i had a hebrew vocabulary quiz tuesday and a hebrew grammar test thursday. i got a 12/12 on the vocab quiz because im sik-wit-it when it comes to hebrew and im still awaiting my score for the grammar test. i think i did pretty good though.

p.s. for any of the people that caught my tribute to nerds in the middle of this post, good for you. you are too a nerd because you saw it. turn off your ps3 and go outside. darius.

so i started something new this week. my aussie friend josh and i have started going to the gym to work out. we are are going to try for 3 times a week. we went wednesday and earlier today. both times ive run for a while and then lifted. and both times ive felt like death afterwards. im sore and tender. but i need it. i need to look buff when i go home and see caleb because apparently i have some competition of some shit. you stand no chance!

the first day, josh and i went to the locker rooms to change into our spandex. once we looked the part, we were off to find the weight room! after walking around like fools trying to find out where to go, we finally asked someone. the guy pointed that way, and we were confused because thats were the showers were. uh. this is awkward. so every time you go in and out of the locker room to or from the weight room or pool, you have to walk through the showers. great. so we just start walking as men, mainly old men, are showering. i didnt know if it was rude or not that i didnt offer to wash the fat guy, who obviously couldnt reach the middle of his back. i start thinking of the horrific situation of a wandering child (particularly a little girl) running around and finding herself in a wet room of ding dongs. i would never want that to happen in real life but i wouldnt mind laughing if it were in a scene in an upcoming rob schneider movie.

so before and after the workout, josh and i have to experience the walk of shame on awkward avenue.

as for reading, im behind in it but GOOD NEWS!! because this coming week is READING WEEK. in college, this meant spring break BZL but this reading week will actually be filled with reading. ALL THE TIME. i have so much reading to do its ridiculous. and on top of that, i have to study for my old testament exam which is right after reading week.

another thing that im going to do during reading week is go on a personal retreat. ive never done one of these but the school is recommending it. my ears are always filled with righteous tunes but for the retreat, im going to seclude myself with my bible, journal, augustine's 'confessions' and really listen to God's word in my life. im really excited about this because i feel my life is full of distractions that it will be good for me to really contemplate who i am and truly listen to what God wants me to do.

i am thankful for all the friends that i am making and all the valuable information i am learning.

i am not thankful for whoever designed the locker room.

Black and White was so long ago

2008-10-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

alright, so i didnt think that school would take away from my internet blogging, but apparently it has. but the good news is that i have retired from traditional clogging so that i could resume internet blogging. my lawyer frowned upon this decision but i looked at his face and told him deal or no deal with it! It's my highway so hit the exit ramp if all you want to do is poop on my party.

so im back. and ready to write! im sitting in calhouns, drinking coffee, and typing 2 words a minute! there are a lot of people here so my people watching is to the max. this little kid just fell out of his chair. his failure will now exist eternally via this blog.

well, ill sum up last weekend. last weekend was a pretty packed weekend of fun times. friday night was the championship game of aussie rules futbol in australia. its ok if youve never seen a game before, because i hadnt. but friend josh, who is from australia, really loves the AFL. so he invited a bunch of people to meet at a pub and watch the game. i immediately got "into" it. it was awesome. the dudes were huge AND fast. opposite of zach gillan. but then again, if zach played aussie rules futbol, he wouldnt need to be huge and fast. he would confuse the opponents with his intelligence and logic. if that didnt work, then he would make fun of them until they would cower in defeat... enabling zach to walk with ease to the goal line.

we didnt stay long at the pub friday night because we had class the next day. school on saturday? yes, we were very lucky that weekend. saturday from 9am - 4pm was the writing course that i had to take. good thing i had a lot of friends in that class because i would have drowned in writing knowledge. the combination of friendly jokes and 3, i repeat, 3 breaks WITH refreshments throughout the day saved me from the abyss of paper structures and "common mistakes"

i will say that there were some gems in this class. it was good to hear all the tips. beef tips.

my art also blossomed during this day. i drew a fat old lady sitting on a traffic light pole. someone said, "it looks like you!". jerk. this person was zach gillan living vicariously through my inner monologue. why am i talking so much about zach gillan in this stupid post? am i starting to miss north carolina? or this a form of stockholm syndrome where i long to be insulted and physically abused? im hungry.

side note: i love out its acceptable for a child to look upon a table of strangers as if they were watching reality tv. children shouldnt watch reality tv shows in the first place, unless it was "little people, big world" or something...a show that my father should never watch. he denies it but i suspect him of having a phobia towards "little people". i pray that my father never finds a golden ticket and wins a trip to willy wonkas chocolate factory. thats a hilarious disaster waiting to happen.

my other drawing was awesome! and my next idea for a business. one of the sentences in the workbook had Star Wars in it so i start thinking about star wars. i decide to draw jabba the hutt (my obvious role model). well, i begin with the head and the next thing i know, i forget how exactly the body looks. i mean, i could have easily drawn my arm and come up with a close match but i wanted to be professional about this. so instead of doodling a fake body, i draw an ice cream cone instead, with jabba's head as the delicious dairy dessert. (check out that alliteration, that class worked!)

and around the drawing, i wrote "Jabba creamery Hutt". ill work out the details later but when i get a chance, ill post the picture. the picture will make your stomachs yearn for tasty treats from jabba creamy hutt that you will dream of the day you come into one of my stores and order two scoops of chocolate Mace Windu ice cream with Chewy gummy-wookies and extra jedi sprinkles. eat shit ben and jerry.

saturday night was the first regent party and from what ive been told, regent students like theme parties. this was the annual black and white party. it was a lot of fun. dancing, eating oreos, talking, sweating, standing outside to cool off, dancing some more, and looking at awesome costumes. bonus: i have my new head shot. like 5 star in raleigh, i impressed everyone with my sick wit it dance movez. in the middle of performing the silent stomp blender, i rolled my ankle. however, the rush from the oreos and coca-cola classic saved my life. well, night at least because i kept on partying. HARD. caleb would have loved this party. there was more bulge there than a van halen concert. some gentlemen took the black and white party as an excuse to show off their new spandex pants. i would have joined them but mother "lost" them when she was doing the laundry.

my friend paul had to take the bus to the party. and the best part was that he was alone so he had no companions to make it clear to the public that he was going to a theme party. so he sat on the public bus, which was full of people, looking like this. goody.

this past week has been full of reading and studying. my schedule is so full and i cant imagine taking more than 9 hours. i only have class 3 days a week but im there in the library monday - friday. the good thing is that im learning SO much and all the stuff im reading is really awesome so i dont mind doing all the work. but it is so easy to get behind. 9 hours is great because i work a lot but i still have some time for a social life. i would die if i stayed in the library 21/8. oh by the way, canadians have 8 days a week. each day is 21 hours. its kinda weird because of the whole day/night thing is never consistent but they REALLY wanted syrupday to be a part of the week. whatever, im getting used to it.

ill try to update my blog more often because i hate writing about stuff that was sooo long ago. and now ill have to write something soon about THIS weekend. im about to go to game night. should be awesome. so yeah, ill try to sacrifice school work so that i can inform you about all the adventures of my life.

i saw the vp debates on thursday. if sarah palin winks at me one more time, im going to crawl through the screen and remind her that this is a political debate rather than a beauty pageant. then i will punch her in the face. with my foot.

Politics 101

2008-09-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

i have a couple of questions/comments:

1) how do these people exist?

2) why do these people have the right to vote?

3) this is why actors use a southern accent to denote the stupidity of a character in a movie

FYI

2008-09-26T18:55:00.001-07:00

Regent College Retreat 2k8

2008-09-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

alright, well its almost the weekend and i havent even written about the previous weekend which was the regent college retreat. it was the good times. even the 2.5 hour standstill wait that we had at the border. oh, our retreat was in some camp in washington state.

so, when i registered for the retreat, they assigned me a car (since i didnt have a car and opted not to walk there). so i was placed in a car of all girls. goody yay, GIRLZ NITE!!!!111one

i climb in with julie, heather and christa. it was going to be awesome. i knew these girls but i didnt know them very well. by the end of the trip, we knew each other very well. christa actually liked me and then hated me, and then i gave her some chocolate and now shes my friend again. (but she still gives me the stink eye)

like i said 3 paragraphs prior, we had to wait in the border-crossing line for 2.5 hours. it was ridiculous so we HAD to make it fun. the way i made it fun was to go into the duty free shop and buy chocolates (which i used later as a swiss/american peace offering)

while i was in this huge duty free shop, i was really tempted to go up to the counter (they had a counter by the way....they were selling coffee and gelato) and say, "there isnt any duty in this chocolate gelato is there???"

but i "grew up" and didnt. so i opted to settle for going into the bathroom and having a conversation with myself in the mirror for 6-7 minutes. oh, and strangers dont like it when you say, "hey dad" to them.

as i walk out of the duty free shop, i see the rest of the girls out of the car and grinning. ohhh great, i must have missed something funny. so i get there and they told me that some of my possessions "may" be missing...

awesome. i have to look like a jackass while searching for my belonging in this huge line of cars. so i head one way...and not a minute passes before i hear an old couple yelling out of their oldsmobile to go the other. awesome, at least someone is on my side!

i find my hoodie and i think im done. but nay. my passport is missing. honestly, who hides someone's passport while we are about to cross the border. but it was close to the car bc they were scared someone might steal it...they wanted to keep an eye out. more like 6 girly eyes.

adventure 1 over?

i guess thats an adventure.

so we begin the second adventure. which was to play dutch blitz on the trunk of the car. now i didnt know what this card game was but it was awesome. a lot of fun. and when we had to move forward, someone would climb in the car and slowly move ahead while the rest of us would keep playing and walking at the same time. everyone else were pissed because they werent having as much fun as us. we rule.

oh, the reason christa hated me was because she was at first denied at the border bc she was swiss and she was walking. ok well, julie and her decided that since she would probably have to go inside to get her fingerprints and picture taken, then it would be faster if she went ahead and did all that jazz. well, this is what they encountered:

Pissed Off Officer: "where are you from"

Christa: "switzerland, you know, the harmless neutral country"

POO: "where are you walking to?"

C: "uhhh america"

POO: "where exactly!"

C: "well, im with a car but i thought it would be faster to walk because to see if i had to fill out anything since im neither canadian nor american"

POO: "you cant do that, you have to go away. you have to go back to your car and once you and your car come, all 4 of your have to come inside for questioning!"

sooo christa hated me because im american and refused her into my country. a couple minutes after posing for pictures of 'me kicking christa out of america' i gave her some chocolate and asked if she liked me again. she was unsure.

ARRIVAL!

we finally get to the camp and its dark. it took forever for us to get there. stupid border.

so my plan was to share a tent with my friend andy. but i had no idea where he was and he had no idea if i was even going to show up that night. but we finally found each other and i climbed in the tent. we had nice pillow talk for a bit and then went to sleep. he fell asleep really fast and almost immediately started snoring. i was in trouble.

lets just say, i didnt get much sleep.

i also wake up to a puddle of water beside me.

the retreat was SO AWESOME regardless if it sprinkled the whole time. all the chapel services and activities were so fun. it was really great that we all could come and hang out and get to know each other better.

saturday night was probably the most fun of the trip.

we did some ceilidh dancing which is traditional scottish dancing. IT WAS SO AWESOME and i was super sweaty...well everyone was super sweaty. yeah i definitely want to do that again, at some hip club. just walk in while everyone is trying to booty dance and just bust out some ceilidh dancing skillz with some friends. WE WOULD RULE THE NIGHT.

after the dancing was THE TALENT SHOW WHATEVER!!!

the talent show was totally premium. there were acts of actual talent but for the most part it was just meant to be funny. the host, joe, was awesome. the whole time he spoke, it was like stand up. his material was great but maybe a little much for kids.....and yes there were kids there. my favorite quote was from a professor who go up and said:

"joe, you are really funny, my favorite part of your monologue is the 10-12 questions that my little boys are asking me that i wont be able to answer for another 5 years!"

i was actually recruited to join in a group talent gig. it was really fun.

this is how it went:

the first video is of matt and his heartfelt poem that he wrote when he was in high school. high school was pretty rough on him. im in the second video...the second video is part 2 and is a response to matts poem. our part was kind of an artistic interpretation of matts poem... im the guy with the black pants, white jacket and hat.

yeah, we rule. im professional now. millions of dollars.

the best compliment was from my new costa rican friend eduardo. i asked him how we did and he grabbed my shoulder, looked intently in my eyes and said, "you are going to make it my friend"

after the retreat, we piled in the car and headed home. the wait to get into canada was like 20 minutes. it was awesome. canadians were way cooler and less paranoid.

all in all, it was an AWESOME trip. i got to know so many people well, it is so great to have such a tight community in an academic setting.

Fun in the Kitchen

2008-09-19T12:52:00.001-07:00

alright, ill give a little update on my premium cooking skillz! by the end of the term, ill probably be the best cook in the world. ive found out one thing...i like soup. and i like adding canned vegetables to soup. doesnt matter what kind of soup or veggies because it will ALWAYS taste delicious and give you powers. powers of excellent eye sight and listening skills while watching a movie and/or tv show and/or a picture of the BZL shower time. well, you really dont need listening skills for the last one but the energy used for listening can easily be transfered to the eyes...FOR MAXIMUM GAZING!

so for your view pleasure, i give you a couple of he meals ive had:

what we see here is none other than chicken noodle soup, a staple in every sick childs life. oh wait! what do we have here??? what are those little yellow balls of ultimate flavor??? CORN!! oh no he didnt!!

yes i did folks. i added half of a can of corn to my soup, turning a regular meal into a culinary masterpiece. and to add to the savory meal, ive added whole wheat bread. and my date for the evening is the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. great meal, great flick, great times.

round 2. very similar but instead of chicken noodle soup, we have tomato soup. and of course, i added the other half of the can of corn. i mean, it was only logical that i used that...if i waited another day or so, they would probably go bad. BUT NAY! it was delicious. for extra flavor and texture, ive added saltines and a diet soda. the peanuts in the background were not a part of this meal but rather another experiment that im working on.

to enjoy this meal, ive put on Mr. Show with david cross and bob odenkirk. you know how people say that certain wines enhance the meal? well, i believe that movies/tv shows enhance the meal A MILLION TIMES MORE!!!

i will say that preparation for this meal did come with some ill fated consequences. while reaching for the bottle of diet coke, the top of it hit the side tray of the refrigerator off and 8 eggs flew into the air and landed at my feet. surprisingly none of them broke!

of course they all broke, what are you? an idiot? you should really be ashamed of yourself.

sick tatty:

so i was on the bus with branden and there was a guy sitting beside me that looked like a GQ model. he was fit and wore black slacks, black shoes, a turquoise button down shirt with a black tie. ladies, he looked premium. however, he started talking. to me, to be exact.

hepper: "hey bro, whats your tatty say?"

i was first very displeased with his choice of the word "tatty". now, as you can see, his name was hepper. but he was neither a heifer nor a leper.

me: "it says 'redeemer'...do you have any tattoos of your own?"

hepper: "yeah, i have 'bro' tattooed on my foot"

now i respond with "haha thats awesome" in a very "inside voice" manner but in head i was screaming, "YESSSS!! OH YEEEESSSSS!!!!!! CHAD YES!!! COME ON!!!!"

the three of us talked the rest of the ride about school and what we were studying. i also found out that 3rd year hepper is pledging the beta house. the beta house is the frat house that is right beside regent college on campus. so pretty much i have an "in" with beta and now i can party hard with the brothers.

as for school, it is going well but there is SO MUCH READING. even though i dont have classes monday or fridays, i still have to come to school to go to the library. along with reading, my hebrew homework takes me FOREVER! but it is really cool and i am really enjoying the courses im taking. the stuff im learning and the conversations im having with my new friends are really amazing.

i also saw the new coen brothers film, burn after reading, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

UPCOMING EVENTS:

so this weekend is the regent college retreat. we are going somewhere in washington state...im not really sure what campground but we are staying there the weekend to have fun. there was a choice to camp out for sleep in the cabin. i am going to be camping with andy. it is going to be totally awesome and we are going to make smores and scare other people at night.

there is also going to be a talent show saturday night and just as a heads up, i may or may not have been recruited for a dance routine...

Donkey has a new nickname

2008-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

so after classes thursday, eva told me about a "get together" that was occurring friday night at a coffee shop called wired monk. apparently there was a live band there and good times to be had. since that trumped my nothing plans, i of course accepted her invitation.

friday night came around and i hopped on a bus to go to this wired monk place. i arrive at 8:15 or so and walk in to see like 10 or so fellow first year regent students sitting around like 3 joining tables with a variety of beverages. coffee, beer, and ian from england was drinking what looked to me like a big glass full of snow. he exclaimed the the shaved ice drink was mint flavored. i really wished this happened:

ian - "oh, yes ill have a large of the shaved ice, please"

clerk - "ok, well what flavor do you want? we have peach, strawberry, grape, orange..."

ian - "flavor? ohhh no, none for me thank you. 'cold' will be my flavor thank you very much"

clerk - "oook, thatll be a million dollar"

ian - "yum yum yum i looooove snow flavored shaved ice"

so while im searching for an empty chair to join the group, i notice one that is right in front of the band. no one was sitting in it but there was something hanging off the back. i asked the guy standing near it if it was his and he said he wasnt sitting in it and that he could move the thingy. awesome, i scored a chair. before i could walk away, he said, "hey do you know anything about PAs?" i looked at him and said, "sorta" so for the next 15 minutes, i was hooking up everything. all the mics, sound checking them, adding effects to certain mics, etc etc. i loved it because it took me back to working v21 productions. it was fun and easy since there werent many things to mic.

the first act was this solo guy who sang and played the acoustic. he was this black guy with short hair but with two 7 inch dreads in the back, forming duo-rat tails. it was awesome. he was really good and scat like none other.

the second act was a 2 person band. the front man sang and played an array of instruments. steel guitars and a banjo. the drummer was awesome. they played like a blues, rock, mix. i dont know. their myspace page says: Blues/ Ambient/ Big Beat soooo pretty much they ruled

i sat between ghita and donkey (mike) and so i talked to them the most. it was awesome that we all could hang out outside school and that we are finally past the "where are you from", "what classes are you taking", "why did you choose regent", "aaaand whats your name again" questions and can actually move on to normal conversations.

ghita is from saskatchewan and claims that a hoodie is called a "bunny hug"...i just told her that the reason its called that, is because where shes from is because they are still making apparel from wild animals and they just happened to make the hoodie entirely out of rabbits. its good that we are past introductions and have moved onto clowning each other.

so while mike was in the bathroom, someone asked to be reminded of his name (a reoccurring pattern for everyone) and someone said mike but i quickly corrected them and said his name was donkey. they asked why and i explained that his last name is yonkers. so:

yonkers to donkers to donkey. its just a logical progression. come on! its like:

caleb - kalib - karib - karibbean

so anna asked if i should just take the next step and call him 'ass'. while everyone was laughing, mike came back and asked what was so funny. someone pointed at me and said "oh he was making fun of you"....mike thought they said ian so looked to ian wanting an explanation. ian quickly pointed blame to me and i laughed and pointed it back to ian. but i finally took ownership of the insult (privilege in my book) so i grabbed his shoulder and looked intently in his eyes and said, "mike, your new name is asshole"

everyone laughed because i took it another step by adding hole to his recently upgraded name, ass. he laughed and so i explained the progression from donkey to ass and finally to asshole.

he accepted this name and told us that he was going to get his professors to call him that. haha YES!

prof - "mike?....is mike yonkers present?"

mike - "oh yes, but i prefer to be called 'asshole', sir"

we will have to see how well this works.

side note:

im really excited about my 2 new pairs of shoes:

mad madison III and therapeutic tam tam

Graduate School Week 1 - Day 3, little asia

2008-09-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

day 3:

thursday. i get to school at 7:45am to start my final day of the week. hebrew starts at 8am and so i get in there and sit next to donkey. pete comes in later and sits next to me. so after completing the hebrew homework for that day with superb understanding of the material and memorizing how to say and write all the consonants, im feeling pretty good about this so called hebrew language.

side note: speaking of hebrew. back in NC, i had to go to some megachurch because my boss had to meet with one of there administrative persons, whatever, regardless of the reason, i found myself wandering around this ridiculously large campus. i walked around and saw every room....several rooms were ornately decorated and filled with musical instruments. so after a couple hours of walking around in the walled up city, i had to stop into their coffee shop to replenish my energy. this coffee shop (inside their main entrance way/cafeteria/art gallery/enormous room thats in the front of the building) looked very similar to starbucks. even the logo was very similar. now, i asked them if this was a starbucks and they said that starbucks lets them rename it or something, im not really sure if they knew what they were talking about. i look at the logo and instead of the starbucks mermaid lady thing? there was jesus with the crown of thorns. now, the way they drew him, it looked similar (art-wise) to the lady. and instead of "starbucks" they wrote "he brews". wow.

ok back to school. so i was thinking i was doing well but then the lesson for the day was vowels. well the vowels in hebrew are just dots and small symbols that go mainly under the consonants. goody. now, in english, we have a,e,i,o,u but as we know, those letters have different sounds with certain words. but we just keep the a the a. in hebrew, theres a different name of the vowel for each sound made. i havent looked at my hebrew notes yet, so its going to take me some time to memorize all that crap.

the class got out at 9:30 and i didnt have class again till 2:30. so that huge break consisted of:

hanging out

reading

hanging out

eating

hanging out

good times.

lunch was good. pete, eugene, donkey and i were going to eat together. males only! we wanted to try something new....so pete suggested the downstairs of the shops beside the school. i didnt know anything about this "downstairs" he spoke of but being the zany daredevil that i am, i said "sure, whatever, ill do anything, watch out daughters of man!"

we go downstairs and it opens up into "little asia". well, i named it little asia.

it was like a mall food market but there were only asian food counters. it was awesome. my lunch was $3.99 and i was full. YES CHEAP! eugene got this dessert thing....it was like a red bean smoothie thing with coconut or something, and it was hot (temperature wise, not jonas hot)

he thought it was pretty tasty, so i tried some. it was weird, not bad? but i didnt want a second bite.

after lunch, we continued our "hanging out". talking about theology or arrested development and stupid stories of our past. so half of the people that overheard us, probably thought that we were sexy scholars. and the other half thought we were sexy morons. it pretty much was no question that we were sexy.

class was awesome, there was a guest professor to give the lecture. the lecture was pretty dense and got a lot of people thinking hard.

ok speaking of hard....im sitting in a coffee shop right now called grounds for coffee. i came here to indulge myself in a delicious cinnamon roll. it ruled. anyways, this guy just came in and if regent had a prom, he would be my date FOR SURE. his shirt (blouse) looks like something our of the renaissance period. a sexy burgundy long sleeve shirt that flowed in the wind. there was a cut on his shirt from the neck to his chest and this was laced with a brown leather string. and you know what else flowed in the wind? his pony tail. although he had male pattern baldness, he still wanted to live on the wild side. his blouse was tucked in to some jean shorts, not just any jean shorts, but cut offs that would make a normal nevernude blush. awesome.

hey! class was over! DAY 3 (final day) COMPLETE!

the rest of the day consisted of me hanging out with myself, watching mr show episodes, eating and writing day 1 and day 2 of grad school adventures in the blog that you are reading at this very moment.

Graduate School Week 1 - Day 2, what time is it?

2008-09-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

day 2:

well, this is what should have happened...

wake up with enough time to enjoy oatmeal and make it to school for my 9:30-12:30 old testament class. enjoy peers in an academic setting. diligently take notes on the exhilarating lecture. get out of class to have a nutritious lunch with fellow graduate students. exchange kind stories and encouraging words over lunch. then have the rest of the day to study and or socialize.

in reality, this is what happened...

mmm yaawwwnnn, what time is it? oh no! 1:30pm! I FAILED MISERABLY FOR THE SECOND TIME! MY PHONE WAS ON SILENT!! youre right martha, i need to get a real alarm clock....one that is not my stupid silent phone.

ohhh man, i cant believe it! oh well, its the first week and the OT class is a huge lecture. im sure i didnt miss much. plus pete emailed me the notes that he took. YAY GOOOODY! anyways, i get to campus to do a little hebrew homework. while there, i hang out with fellow students and one asks me if im going to the CTC movie night that evening at 6:30. the purpose of this movie night was to be a way for students to watch a movie and pick out the theology in the film. sounded right up my alley so i opted to go. of course, thanking them for reminding me of the time.

the movie night ended up lasting about 2 hours but it was AWESOME. the first meeting was more or less a intro lecture on what the movie night was going to be about. the speaker was a film maker/professor of theology in film at regent...he talked about the art in film making and how a lot of film makers want to paint a picture within a picture. creating themes that can be found personal to the viewer. he also talks about finding the theology in movies that didnt have overtly "christian" images. he said that movies with more subtle parables and seemingly unrelated messages were often the most influential and effective. the film maker creating art in the secular sense, using images and themes that all humanity can relate to, can tell a story thats inside a larger story. he spoke fast and i didnt take notes so im missing a lot of his interesting points. (no test or anything)

at the end of the class he wanted to talk about the basics of dissecting a scene to find the deeper meaning of what the film maker is trying to express. he played a scene from citizen kane....which is apparently the best movie ever made. he said that it wasnt necessarily the most entertaining movie but it was the best made. he played the scene all the way through without saying anything. it was an interesting scene, the scene where kanes mom is basically signing guardianship over to this banker. the dad sorta refuses a bit, the mom is firm in her decision, and the kid (kane) is kinda pissed but goes anyways.

then he replays it and pauses on every important part to discuss what is going on. he paused it like every other second. and it was so cool how when you really dissect it, the film maker is A GENIUS. all the tricks to create a message......camera angles, camera movements, actors movements, camera focus, actors positions in the world around them, sounds..both volume of actors voices and background music, edits, costumes....literally everything! it was so rad and it took the scene to a whole new level. a couple cool techniques about the scene was:

1) there was one edit to another camera angle where the mom was the prominent figure in the shot and the dad and banker were in the background. and the way the camera was angled, made it seem like the dad and banker were the little angel and little demon on the moms shoulders...having opposing views and the mom has to choose. and it was perfect for the context of the scene.

2) costume choices. between the kid and the banker...it was almost exactly the same as in charles dickens' oliver twist. the professor explained that at the time of the movie, people really connected with such an image (sort of reminded nostalgia) and sparked a deeper emotion in the viewer who was familiar with oliver twist. also there is a part where the costume choice for the mother was very similar to the way the virgin mary always looks in traditional art. it was really cool.

3) there was a shot of the scene where you could see the ceiling and this was the first time you could see the ceiling in a movie. (or one of the firsts) the professor said that this was very innovative because where were the mics?? well apparently the ceiling was made of fabric (even though it looked like wood) and the mics were right above the fabric. sweet PIES!

im excited about this part of CTC. its optional but ill probably be there every time.

well thats pretty much it for day 2. since this is kind of a short post, i can talk about the new friends that i have made....

pete - finding nemo, tons of energy, solid dude but i will forever clown him on his hollister zany one-liner t-shirt

eugene - mr vancouver, wants to reshape the asian church, solid bro

paul - down with music sceeeenne, push mosh lets go! wwwwheres the circle piiiiat

branden - super smart, a lot of biblical background, somehow a first year and already in exegesis, rooms with jason

jason - super smart, a lot of biblical background too, loves philosophy, just turned 29 so we went out to PARTAYYYY, rooms with branden

mike - i call him donkey, super cool, rock climbs, loves arrested development and wet hot american summer, YES

makana - ultimate frisbee dude, hawaiian, loved my airbrushed 'graham' shirt

josh - australian who always wheres jean shorts, hilarious (but hes the only person in the world that is allowed to wear jean shorts)

andy - dans roommate, they lives really close to me, we share very similar tv/movie taste, we already watched ren and stimpy together

dan - karibbean was right....he IS dreamy

luke - i have a feeling me and him are going to have some amazing conversations, hes also a rugby player who is smaller than me

iain - scottish dude who laughed really hard when i told him i was going to open a restaurant chain called flanagans funtimes....'ello sire, here are your potatoes and a punch in the face! he also wants to massage my body

susie - iain's wife who hates that he wants to massage my body

sam - super chill dude

ian - english dude who has some fuuuuuutbol skills

nerida - 33 year old australian babe dog who will have a MDiv at the end of the year....we are getting married (she doesnt know it yet)

eva - lives with like 8 other girls in "the nunnery"....div school humor hardy har har

kathy - COFFEE LADY!! regent student who works at the coffee shop. shes rad

ghita - looks young but apparently has already finished med school and just took a break from her residency to come study jesus for a year. has one more year left in her residency? shes cool AND in my tutorial

and MILLIONS MORE!

YAY FRIENDS!

Graduate School Week 1 - Day 1, whatever, im over it!

2008-09-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

for my first term in graduate school, i have chosen to take 9 hours rather than 12. they actually encourage first year students to do this so they can gradually get into things. also they said i was "a little slow". now, they could have meant physically, as in, the girth of my body moving through the air creates, what scientists call, a wind impermeability. wind impermeability is basically the extreme of wind resistance except instead of just a sensation of the air hitting the body, the wind actually forces the subject (my neck) to move in a slow motion fashion. so whenever i have to turn my head to face the professor when he calls my name, the bulk of my neck catches the air like an open sail and it takes me a good bit of time to actually look the professor in the eye.

OR they could have meant mentally. but no one will ever know. anyways, the courses i am taking are:

intro to the old testament

christian thought and culture 1

intro to hebrew

my class schedule rules the world too. i am only in class tuesday, wednesday, thursday. i rule, you suck. i win.

tuesday:

i get to school around 7:30am....to hang/read my pirate book before classes start. i sit down to sip my extremely, unnecessarily burning starbucks coffee and open my bag to grab my book when pete sits down. alright, sweet, ill just hang with him before class starts. pete, or annyong, is the finding nemo bookbag guy that i mentioned before. we love southern food. i come to find out that pete is in every class of mine. pete is non-stop...full of energy and loves to socialize/goof around. im going to have to resist myself from recreating the infamous 6th grade contest between brandon and myself. this certain contest began by brandon and myself seeing who could be sent to the principles office the most in one day. by the end of the day, the score was neck in neck with 7 each. pretty good. UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE! stupid brandon gets sent ONE LAST TIME making his total score: 8. he was the victor.

but im an adult now so i wont be doing that. (please mom, dont send me any worry filled emails)

we sat down in intro to hebrew and couple minutes before 8. the first bit of the class was the generic roll call and instead of "here", the student must say something interesting about themselves. i wasnt sure what to say soooo ill be the guy with one kneecap. BUT WHATS THIS!? another graham in the class? our battle to the death will occur at 3:30pm at the swing set.

hebrew was cool and even though ive only been out of school for less than a year, it felt weird being in class again. its really exciting starting a language from no prior knowledge. when i learned (and then later forgot) spanish, theres always a couple things i knew and at least the alphabet is pretty much the same. we had an assignment for thursday from the book and we had to memorize (verbally and in writing) all the consonants.

alef

bet

gimel

dalet

waw

zayin

het

tet

yod

kaf

lamed

mem

nun

samek

ayin

tsade

qof

resh

sin

shin

taw

whatever, im over it!

once that class ended, we went upstairs to hang out until 11. the first chapel of the year was at 11. it was to be the good times. AND it was. the chapel was PACKED with everyone and we prayed, worshiped, and the prez gave another entertaining talk about the year to come. then there were announcements. they are all run by the students so they were loaded with hilarious pictures and jokes. it was a lot of fun. i had one concern with chapel though.....since it was packed, i was sitting at the side, behind the band. although the band consisted on just a piano, guitar, and violin...my concern was with the violin, or rather the violinists mic. i was dangerously close to that stupid microphone. so while we were singing, all i could think about was, "oh crap, i hope that mic isnt picking any of my voice up, please dont pick up my voice, ohhhhh pretty pretty pretty pretty please plleeeeeaaaase, im not martha, i dont have a perfect voice, oh martha! martha! martha!"

apparently i sound like a 5 year old little girl when i plead to myself in my mind. pete on the other hand was BELTING out his voice, unafraid of any sort of mic consequence. he had a nice voice though....i credit his soft teeth.

tuesdays are chapel and after chapel, community groups. community groups will meet after chapel to hang out. groups. community. groups forming community with one another. that starts next week....i dont know what group im in but ill make sure that its EFF TEE DOUBLE YOU!

1:30 rolls around and its time for christian thought and culture. this is a large lecture that is held in the chapel and is taught by an exuberant australian. he rules. that class rules. its going to be very interesting to see how peoples background or traditional presumptions will be shaken up in the beginning of the course, learn to grow from the course and start to latch onto different theological ideas concerning culture, and finally, at the end of the course, BRAWLING WITH MEDIEVAL WEAPONS ON WHOS RIGHT!!!

just kidding? (the question mark adds a bit of mystery and suspense, wink wink)

"doc, hows my health?"

"youre going to die?"

it works for SO MANY THINGS!

"holy goo, whats that smell?"

"i have diarrhea?"

"do you?"

"youre going to die?"

anywho, that is one thing that i really love about regent. all the professors have very different backgrounds and theological standpoints....there are some that straight disagree on a lot of things, but regardless of their differences, they are all still best friends and love one another. (love in a godly way....not the way karibbean loves oasis)

after CTC1 (thats what the proz, like myself, call christian thought and culture), i had my CTC tutorial. the tutorials meet once a week and are smaller groups to discuss the lecture. most people know what tutorials are....and if you dont, then get your head out of your ass and start livin'! TUTORIALS ARE THE NEXT BIG THING!!!

i was lucky enough to have mine right after the lecture so that the material from the lecture was frrrrresh on my mind. eugene (mr. vancouver) was cloooowwwned hard because he was assigned a tutorial that meets at 830 in the morning...on a day that was supposed to be his day off. PWNED! soooo SOOOOOooorrrryyyyyy! (darius, i need an audio track for that!")

by the way, for those who dont know the meanings of some of the vocabulary used in this blog, please contact darius fresh for a free lesson in the new American language. welcome to the Bro-Zone Lair. mom, that was a joke, please do not call my friend darius at work. he is a scientist.

that was also a joke, please do not email me explaining that you were not going to, in fact, call darius.

as for the tutorial. it was fun. 12 people, i think. great number if you ask me. since it was the first tutorial.....the main objectives were introductions. we paired off and learned about one another only to tell the class about our new friend. my partner was orlando. he told me his nickname was sonny, and that was the first thing he told me. he is from the philippines and moved to vancouver with his wife 3 months ago. he is vegetarian and loves sweet and sour tofu. he was excited to tell the class that my favorite food was a bojangles chicken filet biscuit. this immediately prompted a debate between me and a certain laddy in the class.

"oh...you like bojangles more than chic-fil-a? ewww"

"what the hell did you just say to me?"

there were now 11 people in my tutorial and i felt bloated.

tutorial ended at 4:30.

i head home and stop into the dairy queen to reward myself with a blizzard for completing the first day of school without throwing up or eating anyo...uhhh, getting kicked out. i order a medium blizzard with extra reese's. the kid behind the counter insisted that if i add coffee flavor, then it would be totally premium. i was feeling adventurous so i accepted his offer. (i paid for that damn offer) it. was. delicious. i feel sorry for those who have a lactose intolerant "issue" because they will never feel joy like the joy i felt when i devoured the queen's dairy delicacy.

DAY 1 COMPLETE!!!